The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Saturday, September 09, 2017

when the joke needs an explanation it's not a good joke

If Heelers Had Been An Advertising Executive...

A girl is walking down Grafton Street with me.
She's known me for years.
Suddenly I exclaim: "You're wearing F---ing Stupid, arent' you?"
The girl looks nonplussed.
I sprint away from her over to a flower seller who says in rich Dublinese: "Do ye want flowers luv?"
I reply: "Give me the biggest bunch you've got. How much are they? Yoikes. No, not those then. Okay. That little blue bunch."
I return to the girl and present her with the flowers.
A coolo narrator voice intones: "When a man you've met many times before suddenly buys you flowers, that's F---ing Stupid."


The explanation for the joke:
Some years ago there was an ad for Impulse Body Spray on television where a man overwhlemed by the scent of her Scent rushes up to a girl in the street and presents her with flowers.
The narrator then pronounced the classic tag line: "When a man you've never met before suddenly buys you flowers, that's Impulse."
My version actually happened.
And if chance had made me a business mogul I think I could have marketed F---ing Stupid successfully.
If you people aren't laughing by now, just go away and don't come back.

Thursday, September 07, 2017

star trek eleven the search for schlock

First Officer Spock: "Captain we're reading some anomalies in the Vortzel system."

Captain Kirk: "Seriously?"

Spock: "There seems to be a significant energy surge from behind the asteroid cluster."

Kirk: "On the screen."

Spock: "Umf, umf, umf."

Kirk: "No not you Mr Spock. Get down from there. I mean patch through onto the screen an image of the energy surge you're detecting behind the asteroids."

Spock: "Oh right."

FX: Sounds of explosions from off. Ship shakes. Mr Sulu falls out of his chair.

Kirk: "Mr Sulu, what was that?"

Sulu: "Sorry Captain. I farted."

Kirk: "Fainted?"

Sulu: "No Captain."

Kirk: "Oh. Oh. Oh for the love of Pete."

Sulu: "I ate too much Hawaiian pizza last night."

Kirk: "Well next time try to give us a warning."

FX: More explosions. Sparks. Dramatic Nerdly Nerdly Ner Ner music. Ship shakes worse than ever.

Kirk: "Sulu! You again?"

Sulu: "Not me this time Captain. We're being fired upon by Klingons."

Kirk: "The dastards."

Lieutenant Uhuru: "The Klingons are hailing us Sir."

Kirk: "That sounds nice of them. I haven't been hailed in years. They must like the way we explode when fired upon. On the screen. Oh for crying out loud. Not you Uhuru. The Klingons. Put the Klingons on the screen. Patch through an image of the Klingon Commander who wants to talk to us onto the screen. Thank you. And for heaven's sake wear a longer dress. Every time you move I see stars."

Uhuru: "The Klingon leader wants to parlay, Captain."

Gorak The Destroyer: "Par-TAY, Par-TAY. Is everyone in this universe deaf?"

Kirk: "This is Captain James T Kirk of the Federation Star Ship Enterprise. Why did you fire on us?"

Gorak: "I thought you were my mother."

Kirk: "This is Federation Space."

Gorak: "I don't see your name on it. Prepare to meet your doom Kirk. Helmsman, open fire on the Federation ptaaks."

Klingon Helmsman: "On the what?"

Gorak: "Them! Them! Open fire on them!"

Kirk: "Fire all phasers Mr Sulu! Mr Sulu? Mr Sulu, what's wrong with you? Are you asleep?"

Doctor McCoy: "It's worse than that. He's overacting Jim. I mean dead."

Kirk: "He can't be dead. He owes me ten dollars. And anyway, only people in the lower ranks. Ensigns and such like, die on this show. We never lose a named regular character."

Sulu: (Reviving) "I'm not dead. I just farted again."

Kirk: "See?"

Spock: "The Klingon ship is coming about for another attack run Captain. I strongly recommend we beat a hasty retreat."

Kirk: "You seem very calm about all this Spock."

Spock: "Actually I'm terrified."

FX: Kthow, kthow, neato firing sounds, explosions, sparks et al

Sulu: "I'm sorry Captain."

Kirk: "Sorry you still haven't obeyed my order to return fire at the Klingons who have shot at us about fifty times since then?"

Sulu: "No. Sorry I just let one rip again."

Kirk: "Kirk to engineering."

Mr Scott: "Scotty here Captain."

Kirk: "Scotty, lock transporter beams on our location and beam the contents of Mr Sulu's farts over to the bridge of the Klingon vessel."

Scotty: "Aye aye, Captain. Tis a bonny plan."

FX: Sounds of Klingons gasping. Muted strains of "What is this stink?" "It's disgusting." "Oh the Klinganity."

Sulu: "Sir, five more Klingon birds of prey decloaking off our starboard bow."

Kirk: "Exsqueeze me?"

Sulu: "More Klingon ships sir... Appearing beside us."

Kirk: "Why didn't you just say so?"

Sulu: "Well I thought it would be more dramatic if I... Uh oh... Sir, the Klingon warbirds are firing on us."

Kirk: "You mean?"

Sulu: "Yes. The ships."

Fx: Kthow, kthow, blathow, kerrrrrumph. Zoodle, zoodle, blatttttthooom.

Kirk: "Have we been hit?"

Spock: "No Captain. That was Mr Sulu again."

Kirk: "Sulu for crying out loud. No more Hawaiian pizzas for you."

Uhuru: "Shields at seventy percent and holding, Captain."

Kirk: "Whew. All that noise and explosions and farts. I thought somebody might actually be getting hurt."

Spock: "The Klingons are charging up their disruptors again and locking on."

Kirk: "What are you talking about?"

Spock: "Their guns. They are loading their guns again and pointing them at us."

Kirk: "Scotty Get us the hell out of here. Give me Warp Factor Five, now Mister."

Scotty: "She'll nae take it Cap'n. She'll nae take nae more cliches."

McCoy: "It's worse than that, it's repetitious Jim."

Kirk: "Shut up Bones."

Gorak the Klingon: "I'm going home. I much prefer the Next Generation anyway. Some of the science actually works on that. Seasons three and four were really rather well put together with only occasional lapses into violence, bad taste, and anti life amorality. The Sherlock Holmes episodes were genuinely thought provoking and very nearly works of art."

Mr Chekov: "Do I get no mention at all in this episode, Cap Teen?"

Kirk: "Oh go write a wearisome theatre play."

Chekov: Yes Cap Teen.

Uhuru: "The Klingon ships are breaking off the pursuit."

Kirk: "They must have heard us mention Chekov's plays. Thank you Lieutenant Thighs. I mean Uhuru. For heaven's sake, is this really Star Fleet regulation dress code for women? I don't know how we get any work done around here. It's impossible to concentrate on important things like space battles the way you people dress."

Wednesday, September 06, 2017

considerations of padre pio

In the 1960's shortly before his death, the Italian priest Padre Pio is supposed to have been asked whether the apocalypse was at hand.
He's supposed to have answered: "Can't you see the world is catching fire?"
It's occasionally difficult to separate myth from reality with regard to Padre Pio.
He might have said the above.
It sounds a bit like something he'd say.
A certain measured caution is advisable.
On the internet one finds a cottage industry in bogus claims of sayings attributed to Padre Pio. One such is a recurrent and (according to some who knew him) apparently untrue claim that Padre Pio predicted three days of darkness during ye aforementioned approaching apocalypse.
Separating truth from fiction is the order of the day in these sorts of cases.
I have been particularly intrigued by some interesting testimonies from Irish people relating to Padre Pio's supposed providential interventions or even posthumous appearances in supernatural circumstances.
One that got my attention was from a Mr Donald Enright who attended mass at Padre Pio's monastery in the 1970's ten years after the Padre's death and claimed to have seen Padre Pio appear on the altar during the service along with an image of the crucifixion and a sky filled with stars.
I'd do my best to be open minded about his testimony but, er, it's not easy.
Another testimony that caught my eye is that of Gemma Dillon who in the 1980's accepted a request to assist a priest in translating some notes about Padre Pio for a book. The priest warned her to be careful as two other people had attempted the translation and both had experienced unfortunate events afterwards.causing them to abandon the project. Gemma Dillon pooh poohed the priests concerns.
On the night she received the notes, she woke after midnight with a premonition of evil. Within a quarter of an hour there was an attack on her house by a terrorist faction which was rampaging around the country during that period.
A group of men burst in, roughed her up and shot her husband. Her husband was not expected to live but in fact did survive.
The implication in Gemma Dillon's story is that something evil does not want the world to know that God sent a great Saint to the earth in Padre Pio.

Tuesday, September 05, 2017

dances with wolves

An Autumn evening some years ago.
Strolling through the town of Newbridge.
A figure approaches.
It is a man who styles himself Father Ruairi O'Domhnaill.
At the time this occurred he had a small acquaintanceship with me.
Enough of an acquaintanceship for him to confide in an off moment that he came from a family which enjoyed links to the upper echelons of the IRA.
Enough of an acquaintanceship thereby to scare the bejabers out of me.
But a small enough acquaintanceship too.
Someone had told me that Ruairi O'Domhnaill himself was a linear descendent of Padraig Pearse who led the 1916 Rising.
He can't be that linear since Pearse had no known issue. (Aside from All Out War With Britain.)
But possibly linear-ish.
In my short acquaintanceship with him, I had endeavoured to respect Ruairi O'Domhnaill even though I wouldn't touch his politics with a forty foot barge pole.
So this day he approached me and wanted to talk.
He said: "James, I've discovered something very interesting about Cromwell. After his massacres in Ireland in the 17th century he was recalled to Britain to explain the immense loss of civilian life before the House of Parliament. He told parliament: What do you want me to do? When I surround a house in that beknighted country, the people emerge and charge my soldiers holding nothing in their hands but their Rosary beads. How exactly to you expect me to fight people like that?"
I listened to the Padre's words and thought about them.
"It's beautiful," I said. "It's very beautiful. But it sounds like internet tosh to me. Too good to be true. It's just too perfect that a man like Cromwell would pay us this tribute. I would suggest you don't use it in a sermon unless you can confirm he really said it."
"I'm very close to confirming it," answered the priest.
"Unless you get proper verficiation," I persisted, "don't use it. The Catholic Church does not need to proceed on the basis of any lie. There was and is enough heroism in the Christian faith without us having to make it up."
That very evening I wandered into Newbridge Church.
Father O'Domhnaill came out to say mass.
The mass was beautiful as it always is, regardless of who says it or attends it, because God is there.
Then it was time for the sermon.
With a glance in my direction and a hurriedly averted gaze, and looking as if butter wouldn't melt in his mouth, O'Domhnaill began.
"After the massacre at Drogheda, the English General Oliver Cromwell was summoned back to parliament to explain his bloodletting..."

Monday, September 04, 2017

heeler the peelers fashion tips for the modern girl

Garments worn decolleté are distracting, and may cause misunderstandings or drooling. (On my part.)

Sunday, September 03, 2017

our television listings

(An atheistic abortionist contraceptivist Stalinist television station funded through compulsory taxation on the citizenry of the Republic of Ireland who are forced to finance RTE whether they watch it, or approve of it, or abominate it, or not.)

9.00 Murder She Wrote. Jessica is arrested on suspicion of murder after Sheriff Teasle realises there has been a homicide in close proximity to her at least once a week every month every year for the past two decades.
10.00 Strictly Come Dancing. Tonight Yolanda will be partnering Fred in the dance off with Maisie and Zorgon. The couples will be dancing to the sounds of the Monty Baines Big Band who will be playing their jazzed up version of "I Just Bought A Burgher From the Mahdi of the Mother who inspired The Jihadi who was a brother of the Baddie Who Tried To Stab The Prince Of Wales."
12.00 Midday News. Read by Kim Jung Un featuring the usual denunciations of President Donald Trump which RTE likes to pass off as news..
1.00 Lunch Hour with the Stars. Who knows what the hell this is.
2.00 Hawaii Five Oh. Grittily violent remake of pervily violent American 1970's cop series, this time set in Dublin Ireland and featuring lagar louts who become police officers. It would have been better if they'd extended the theme tune to a full three minutes. At least those three minutes would have been vaguely watchable.
2.30 The Bill. Miffley has Dodgeson bang up to rights for GBH against Bolky but the Guvnor wants to call it quits. Foreign language programme for psychopaths..
3.00 Women's Hour. Leg waxing harridans discuss how much they agree with each other about everything.
4.00 Murder She Wrote The Early Years. A teenage Jessica prevents a teengage Osama from nuking Cabot Cove. A whiff of Summer romance is frowned on by their families.
5.00 Early Evening News. Read by Chairman Mao.
6.00 The Angelus. The bells, the bells, rung by Quasimodo.
6.01 Evening News. Read by Lavrenty P Beria.
7.00 The Archbishop Diarmuid Martin Laughter Hour. Horror series in which an atheistic leftist plant infiltrates an ancient church in order to enslave it to Communism and then hands over the running of Hollis Street hospital to a pair of abortion activists who turn it into a charnel house and then use it to launch a reverse takeover of the famous and much respected Saint Vincent's hospital and then through a slanderous media campaign contrive to expel the nuns of Saint Vincent's from the running of their own  hospital. I mean I don't want to go casting no aspoyshuns.
8.00 The Omen. Documentary about Pope Francis.
9.00 News And Weather. Read by Pol Pot. (Who is also Director General of RTE)
9.30 The Rose Of Tralee. Wearisome beauty contest presented by Randy Mac Rahman.
10.00 The King Of Comedy. Martin Scorsese's only good film.
12.00 The Commish. Another cop show. one that doesn't even bother trying to create any credibility for its outrageous plot lines. This week Chief of Police Noreen O'Sullivan refuses to resign after it emerges that her officers have been routinely falsifying crime statistics by simply not recording the homicides. This follows on last week's episode when Noreen O'Sullivan refused to resign after the discovery of a money laudnering operation at the Police training college. A similar theme was evident in the episode three weeks ago when Noreen O'Sullivan was accused in the Irish parliament of being a party to the framing of a hero cop on false allegations of child abuse. Yet another similar theme occurred in the episode four weeks ago when Noreen O'Sullivan refused to resign after Irish police officers claimed to have carried out a million breath test operations on motorists that never took place. This follows hot on the heels of the episode six weeks ago where a parliamentary enquiry demanded Noreen O''Sullivan hand over all her mobile phones and Noreen O'Sullivan while refusing to resign claimed she couldn't hand over her mobile phones because she had lost them all. Seriously though she's doing a brilliant job.
1.00 Closedown. I wish they would close the bloody thing down.