The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Monday, August 06, 2018

silent flows the pee

Wandering around the skangernet, by chance I alight on broadcaster journalist poet Bill Bates' complete arse of a blog.
It's called A Kilcullen Charade.
(A Kilcullen Chronicle actually - Ed note.)
And lo!
What light through yonder bullshit breaks.
It is a photo of abortion rights activist Richard Fortescue at Royal Ascot race course.
I suppose even baby killers need a break now and again.
So having legalised the murder of unborn children in Ireland through referendum, it's off to the races to celebrate.
Ah me.
Now is the Summer of my discontent made wondrous winter by this sonofabitch.
Bill Bates' blog is obsessed with Richard Fortescue.
I think it's the tache.
He's photographed it from every conceivable angle, in rain, snow, wind, and various other mundane weather events which Bates invariably attributes to climate change.
Could the tache itself be the cause of climate change?
We'll know on Judgement Day.
In today's photo yon Fortescue has a lean and hungry look. But he's smirking, as though he'd just stooped over to pick up a winning lottery ticket and discovered an aborted baby instead.
My gentle pre-raphaelite features take on a translucent hue.
I think it's most unfair that Richard Fortescue and literally thousands like him over the years, have been forced to travel all the way to the UK to attend Royal Ascot.
I think they should build a Royal Ascot in Ireland so that Richard Fortescue and his cohorts could attend Royal Ascot without having to cross the Irish sea.

Sunday, August 05, 2018

closing scene from where eagles dare


(Richard Burton and Clint Eastwood have just rescued General Carneby from the Schloss Adler, in the process more or less single handedly wiping out the German army's 12th SS Alpen Corps. Afterwards the reconstituted Alpen Corps will switch to Cornflakes and thereby become much more difficult to outwit in daring two man commando operations. The name Cornflakes Corps will also prove effective in lulling the Britishers into a false sense of breakfast. But we only learn this in the sequel. Having rescued General Carneby, Richard and Clint make a rendezvous with an allied plane and are flying home over Occupied France. The French are occupied as usual winning the World Cup, obsessing about their fashion sense, electing coffee shop boulevardiers as President, and giving citizenship to Jihadis. France is not actually under occupation. Unless you count the Jihadis. Which some of you still don't. Yet. Also in the plane are Mary Ure and another good looking actress from the 1960's. Birgitta something. No. Not Birgitta. Mary Ure and, and, and what? Mary Something Else? Ah this will really drive me mad.  Our heroes are sitting grimly in the cargo hold of the rescue plane. Colonel Fortescue has flown with the plane to meet them.)

Richard Burton: "There's one other thing Colonel."

Colonel Fortescue: "Oh yes?"

Richard: "When I showed SS Colonel Kramer the name I pretended was the top German agent in London, he accepted it without hesitation."

Colonel F: "And whose name was that Major?"

Richard: "Yours Colonel."

Colonel F: "Oh Focque."

Richard: "This whole operation was in fact staged just to unmask you."

Colonel F: "Double Focque."

Richard: "And your machine gun is loaded with blanks."

Colonel F: "Treble Focque. That's really the last straw. I knew I should have stayed home from work today."

Richard: "Yes Colonel."

Colonel F: "Have I a choice?"

Richard: "If you want it."

Colonel F: "Thank you Major. The thought of a trial. The exposure. The shame."

Richard: "Yes Colonel."

Colonel F: "You like saying Yes Colonel with that strange almost Shakespearian significance, don't you?"

Richard: "Yes Colonel. It's called acting."

Colonel F: "Well I'll be on my way." (Moves to the cargo bay door, lifts a parachute from the bench.)

Richard: "Ah ah."

Colonel F: "Oh when you said I had a choice you meant I can jump out of the plane without a parachute. Thanks a ******* bunch."

Richard: "You're welcome Colonel."

Colonel F: "Can I please take a parachute?"

Richard: "No Colonel."

(Colonel F jumps from the plane. Clint closes the door. One of the good looking actresses goes to cuddle Richard. I think it's Mary Ure. No it was the other one. Richard would never have cuddled Mary Ure because of the louche vampire films.)

Clint: (Drily.) "The sooner I make Dirty Harry the better."

Ingrid Pitt: "Actually I made the louche vampire films. Mary Ure was quite a serious actress. And it was Mary Ure that Richard cuddled."

FX: (Coolo music kicks in.) "Tukka tukka tuk. Tukka, tukka, tuk. Ner ner ner, ner ner ner nerdle ner. Ner ner ner nerdle ner. Ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner, Tukka tuk, etc etc."