The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Saturday, August 07, 2010

all the gold in the world


the spy who refused to have sex with me

Vladimir Putin sat in his plush Moscow office.
He was confronting his three top agents about their past twelve months of spying activities in Ireland.
Alyona Blizhnikova, Irina Kuksova and Evgenia Tarasova.
In the KBG they are known as the three honeys.
"So what did you learn in a year of spying on Heelers?" barked President Putin.
Various dreamlike expressions coursed across the three girls faces.
"I learnt that a man who respects you spiritually is like a pearl of great price," murmured Alyona.
"I learnt that true friendship doesn't have to be about the sensual pleasures of the flesh," whispered Irina.
"Really?" said Evgenia looking disbelievingly at the other two.

Friday, August 06, 2010

the full text of traitor mayor of new york mike bloomberg's speech welcoming the construction of a mosque on the site of the nine eleven attacks

"All my life I've loved America. (Sniff.) All my life I've cared for this country and its people. (Wipes away tear.) But I am ashamed when I see Americans (voice trembles with emotion) attempting to deny Muslim Jihadis the right to build a Mosque at the scene of Islam's greatest victory in the modern era, right here at Ground Zero where Osama Bin Laden carried out the glorious Nine Eleven attacks. Why can't Americans accept that Muslim superheroes are our natural over lords? (Sniff, sniff, boo hoo.) How can anyone call themselves American and deny Muslims the right to build their Gestapo headquarters here in Manhattan. Why shouldn't the Muslim SS have its training camps anywhere they like. Americans are so childish and repressed when it comes to superior cultures like the peaceloving religion of Islam. Why are Americans so foolish? Boo ho hoo. Boooo hoooo hooooo. Oh it makes me weep. We Americans are so bigoted. Wahhah, boo hoo hoo hooo, wahhhhh. Why must we must force our views on innocent Muslims who just want to chant Allah U Akbar in downtown Manhattan and gleefully celebrate another successful infiltration of a prostrate western country. Booo hooo hooo. Why are Americans so small minded? How dare Americans oppose Jihad! How dare they. Allah will smite them and smite them again. And Bloomberg television will continue to receive revenue from gormless Arab princes who know full well that everyone has their price. Wah boo hoo. Oh the humanity. I won't tolerate Americans who are intolerant of our Muslim over lords. I won't tolerate Americans who refuse to allow the construction of Muslim Nazi mosques all over America. I won't tolerate. I Mike Bloomberg. I won't tolerate. Ein reich. Ein volk. Ein Allah U Akbar. Sieg heil. Sieg heil. Sieg heil. Mussies uber alles baby."

teddy bear's picnic

if you go down to the woods today
you're sure of a big surprise
if you go down to the woods today
you'd better go in disguise
for every muslim that ever there was
is certain to be there because
today's the day
that muslims light forest fires
fire starting time for muzzzle ims
the little muzzzle ims are having a lovely time today
watch them ignite dry brushwood
with accelerant fluid and thermite explosive
see them gaily gad about
the little muslims are having a lovely day
and at six o'clock the UN and Amnesty International will take them home to bed
because they're tired little Jihadi's
if you go down to the woods today
you'd better not go alone
if you go down to the woods today
you're walking into a war zone
cos every muslim that ever there was
is certain to be there because
Al Qaeda is now trying to commit mass murder
by precipitating natural disasters
mass murder time for muslims
the little muslims are having another mass murder today
see them set fire to the forests in Russia, North America and Australia
as they celebrate their holy days
see them gaily massacre about
the little muslims are planning to wipe out the State Of Israel
and at six o'clock the UN and Amnesty International will take them home to bed
because otherwise the Israelis would kick their tired little muslim arses all around the battlefield
if you go down to the woods today you may see something bad
there's a pan muslim alliance of murderers about
which has been put together by Teddy Ahmadinejad
and every Jihadi that ever there was
is certain to be there because
today's the day that Muslims secede kosovo from serbia, attempt to secede mindanao from the philippines, secede north cyprus from cyprus, attempt to secede kashmir from india, attempt to secede xinjiang from china, attempt to secede russia's southern regions from russia, down planes in russia, blow up the nevsky express train in russia, blow up hydroelectric dams in russia, blow up the subway in russia, (putin do you really still think these muslim scum are your allies against the free world), start forest fires in russia, australia and north america, commit mass murder in thailand, drive tens of thousands of buddhist people from their homes in thailand, seize the presidency of thailand, torch french cities, stab the mayor of paris, slaughter film director Theo Van Gogh, slaughter Dutch Prime Minister Pym Fortyn, blow up trains and buses in London, attempt to blow up Glasgow airport, blow up 200 people in Madrid, initiate a plot to murder hospital patients called "those who save you will kill you" in british and irish hospitals, blow up 3000 people in New York, seek to poison rome's water supply with cyanide, blow up a hydro electric dam in russia, murder police officers in china, murder thousands of ordinary people in India, launch ethnic cleansing murder missions in nigeria, turn somalia into a charnel house of horror, commit genocide in darfur, commit genocide in southern sudan, assassinate the president of lebanon, beat to death a hundred serving maids a year in lebanon, kill five thousand woman a year in egypt for wearing short skirts, commit limitless and untold murders of men, women and children in every country actually already ruled by muslims, launch unprovoked terror war against israel using iran's proxy terror army hamas in the gaza strip, launch unprovoked terror war against israel using iran's proxy terror army hezbollah in lebanon, launch unprovoked terror war against israel using iran's proxy government in syria, launch unprovoked terror war against israel using iran's newly developed nuclear weapons,
and at six o'clock the UN and Amnesty International will take them home to bed
because they're tired little jihadi's
if you go down to the woods today
you'll see they're ready to slay
there's lots of marvellous things to do
and wonderful games to play
beside the lake beneath the trees
they'll hide and seek as long they please
that is to say as long they can get social welfare benefits
because today's the day the Muslims have their Jihad
yes today's the day the mussies have their Jihad
jihad time for Muzzle ims
the little Muzzle ims are having a lovely Jihad today
watch them playing unawares
that the world has copped on to their little game
see them strap on suicide vests
they hope to kill their first batch of infidels before the sun goes down
and at six o'clock the UN and Amnesty International will release another trumped up damning report accusing the State of Israel of committing human rights abuses
because the UN and Amnesty International through criminal incompetence, collusion and just plain evil
are trying to deliver us all into black islamic night

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

if barack had been president in 1945

"All American troops will be withdrawn from Germany by the end of August. We're not staying around for the Cold War. Five years is enough. The American people have elected me to make peace. Peace in our time. George Bush caused World War Two. I've had enough. The Cold War would only be a war of convenience not of necessity. From now on it will be up to Germans to decide what sort of country they want to live in. I don't think there's any chance Communist Russia will simply take advantage of our withdrawal in order to absorb Germany and the rest of Europe. I don't think there's any chance the Iranians will now profit from our withdrawal to absorb Iraq. I don't think the Iranians are serious when they threaten to inflict thermonuclear war on the rest of humanity. If Iran ever blew up western cities with atomic weapons, I would of course have no hesitation in imposing severe economic sanctions. Screw you guys. I am going home."

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

dances with rooskies

A night of shooting stars.
I looked at Natassia.
She was most luminous.
There had been something I'd wanted to ask her for some time.
I just blurted it out.
"Is Vladimir Putin going to reabsorb Latvia into Russia?"
It was a Kodak moment.
Particularly when...
"Yes," she shot back without hesitation.
I thought she must have misunderstood my question.
"I mean," I said, "is Vladimir Putin going to start grabbing countries in Eastern Europe and forcing them to be part of Russia?"
"Yes," she said again. "Yes, he is."
I made one last attempt to be clear.
"What I'm saying," I said, "is do you think Vladimir Putin wants to turn back the clock to the Soviet era? Is he going to use the Russian army to seize Latvia and other countries?"
"He is," she said. "Of course he is."
I stared.
"But this is terrible," I told her.
"No it isn't," she said.
I stared a bit harder.
"But it will mean Russia is our enemy again," I persisted. "It will mean Russia is everybody's enemy except the Muslims. And they'll turn on you as soon as it suits them the same way Hitler did. If Russia annexes Latvia the whole of humanity is once more in darkness."
"It's not like that," insisted Natassia.
She had forgotten how familiar I am with Russian language and culture.
The English phrase "It's not like that," when spoken by a Russian means: "It's exactly like that."
I stared at her as hard as I am physically able to stare at a beautiful woman.
"You can't be serious," I said. "You couldn't willingly choose to plunge the world into war."
Natassia shook her pretty head.
"It's not like that," she said again. "My town in Latvia is ninety percent Russian. Only ten percent of the people speak Latvian. So if Russia takes back my town, we will all be happy."
"You won't be happy Natassia," I told her darkly. "If Vladmir Putin starts usurping power in countries on Russia's borders again, hell will follow with him."

Monday, August 02, 2010

the exorcist

Evening at the Chateau.
The Mammy is doing a crossword in the Sunday Express.
"Hey son," she calls to me.
"What," sez me.
"You that's so religious," quoth she. "Give me two words, five letters and six letters describing the four lowest ranks of the Roman Catholic clergy, namely Porter, Exorcist, Lector and Acolyte."
Ireland's greatest living poet thought for a moment.
A thought struck me.
Not the answer.
Just a thought.
"Here's a thought," sez me. "You all think Exorcist is such a low rank. But I gotta tell ya. If any of us needed an exorcist, it's amazing how important he'd start seeming. If you needed one, you'd probably rate the exorcist right up there with the Pope. Minor order indeed. Oh. Minor orders. That's the answer."

Sunday, August 01, 2010

heelers sorts out the korean peninsula

Evening at the chateau.
My cousin Frances and I are hatching cups of tea in the kitchen.
It is the same Frances who can eviscerate a classroom full of teenage hoodlums at fifty paces with a single blow of her tongue.
"Where did you get the tea set?" wonders Frances, admiring the brightly coloured cups and plates.
"Miss Korea gave it to me," I tell her.
"Miss Korea?"
"Yes," sez I. "I never met such a girl to give me presents. That tea set there. The ornamental Korean screen you saw in the hall. The Korean fan hanging over the mirror in the dining room, all those are from her. My writing desk is covered with Korean pens."
"You have a writing desk?"
"Okay, it's more a ranting at Muslims desk, but yes."
"And there's Korean money in my wallet which she gave me as a keep sake. She gave me a Korean diary.There's some sort of a Korean symbol stuck to my mobile phone. There's a Korean flag on my key ring. If you open the larder you'll find a ruddy great jar of undrinkable Korean tea. That book over there about China, she gave me that because she knew I was interested in China."
"And the tea set's Korean too?" wondered Frances.
"We thought it was," I explained. "But actually she heard me calling it my Korean tea set and burst out laughing. Then she told me she bought it in Ireland."
"Why did she give you all those things?" prodded Frances.
"Damned if I know," sez me.
"And where is she now?"
"That's just it," sez me. "Damned if I know again. She gave me all these presents. Then she disappeared. Doesn't ring me. Doesn't take my phone calls. It's most strange. The only bright side has been that I worry less now about the Korean political situation. The tensions between North and South Korea. In the past I was constantly concerned that North Korea would shortly obliterate South Korea. I have had a modest interest in political situations in various countries worldwide. Sometimes my analysis of what's going on in them is quite unsettlingly close to the mark. With Korea, whenever I looked at it, I would shake my head with more than a modicum of desolation. I had an awful feeling that Mr Kim the dictator running North Korea would soon make good on his promise to detonate atomic weapons in South Korea. And whenever the aforementioned psycho dictator made one of his periodic statesmanlike I'll kill you all announcements, I'd shake my head and murmur: He isn't joking. And I would be morose and sullen and slightly depressed and so on. Because my analysis is so rarely wrong. And it seemed to me that South Korea was living in the shadow of the scythe. And I had an unerring feeling that a terrible conflagration was at hand for all those people. But now. Now after Miss Korea stopped talking to me. Now whenever the dictator in North Korea threatens to exterminate the entire population of South Korea, I just shrug my shoulders and murmur: Ah well, nobody lives forever."