The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Saturday, April 06, 2019

a short monograph on knife crime in ireland and britain

There is no knife crime in Ireland and Britain.
There are gang wars in Ireland and Britain.
The reason that hundreds of teenagers are being stabbed to death annually on the streets of London is that major mafias (including IRA factions, along with Cosa Nostra, Chinese Triads, the Russian mob, South American Zetas, MS13, and the Muslim Brotherhood's various Al Qaeda and Isis franchises) now routinely mentor teenagers as proxy operators for drug dealing, extortion, rape, revenge, torture and murder.
The teenagers themselves form somewhat independent skang gangs whose posed independence provides convenient cover to the Mafias who direct them.
Thus the use of teenagers and children as foot soldiers gives the Mafias a tier of separation from those carrying out their crimes against humanity.
This plausible deniability with regard to the mayhem they are inflicting on us should now cease.
The solution is not to search every single teenager in London for knives as advocated by the faux humanitarians of Sky News and the Metropolitan Police.
The solution is to go to war with the Mafias.
Bring the Mafias onto the map.
Name them.
Map them.
Analyse them.
Express opinions about them.
Create a vocabulary for public discourse about them.
Make them the news.
Anathematise them.
And then.
End them.
The wars of the future will be mafia.

Friday, April 05, 2019

scene from the motion picture vampires of dublin

The Post Credit Sequence.
You think the movie is over.
Then we hit you with this.

Dracula has parked a car on the verge of a lonely country road.
A very pretty girl is sitting in the passenger seat. She has that extraordinary quality of the ingenue. Like Julie Louis Dreyfus or Dianne Keaton only better looking. We need a really good looking girl for this scene. Like the Triage nurse from Tallaght hospital who wears the name tag Fiona, or that honey from the planet Raunchketron the mafia sent to seduce me in 2016 at Starbucks on Westmoreland Street.
Dracula is himself, not disguised or anything.

Drac: "Honestly, we're out of gas."

Girl: "You just want to have sex."

Drac: (Face a study)" No. Really. I'm telling you. We're out of gas, petrol, diesel whatever they call it in Ireland."

Girl: "Humph."

Drac: "Listen. I don't particularly want to be stranded here. We're near Athy. I may be a being of limitless evil but I'm not suicidal. It's the murder capital of South Kildare, headquarters of the IRA's caliphate in Ireland. And it's got no good restaurants."

Girl: "Caliphate or no caliphate, there will be no ridies for you... So what do we do now?"

(Cut to Dracula and girl walking along the road.)

Girl: "I'm sorry I didn't believe you about not wanting sex. I'm sorry for thinking you staged the car breakdown just to proposition me. I'm sorry for thinking you just wanted to have your wicked way with me. I'm sorry for thinking you just wanted to get into my pants."

(Dracula's face is a study ricocheting between pathos, wimsy and rueful irony.)

Drac: "Okay, okay. We get the message. Sheesh... But you know I like you, don't you?"

Girl: "Yes."

Drac: "And I hope you like me the way I like you."

(Girl's face is a study ricocheting between pathos, whimsy, rueful irony, etc etc.)

Girl: "Er. Ye-es."

(Dracula staggers sideways and may be about to morph into a monster or something although he's already plainly Dracula.)

Drac: "My vampire nature is asserting itself... run away.

(Girl staggers sideways and might be morphing too.)

Girl: "You run away... I'm having my period."

(Camera moves around a bit between the two.)

Music: Eerie, dramatic, scary, sort of.

(Camera swings to Dracula for a reaction shot. He looks stunned. Camera moves on to frame girl.)

Music: A jarring horror movie sensation style note.

(Girl has morped into British comedian Tim Vine.)

Drac: "Oh no. Not you again."

Music: The classic baseline thing. "Thunk thunk."

(Tim Vine and zombie comedians dance a bit before he sings. The dancing has to actually be good.)

Tim Vine:
"Coth thith ith the BB thee
BBC comedy night
No one's gonna save you
From the left wing atheistic abortionist contraceptivist conformist shite
BBC comedy night
You're fighting for your life inside a left wing
Heap of Shite
Thith ith a thiller
Thiller night"

Music: Very catchy baseline continues as Tim Vine does zombie dance from Michael Jackson's Thriller with zombie British comedians.

Vincent Price:
"Darkness falls across the land
A BBC comedian is close at hand
And whomsoever refuses to pay
A State imposed licence fee to the BBC
Must stand and face the trade unionists from hell
Or rot inside a Freemason's shell
The foulest stench is in the air
The conformist left wing euthanasiast assisted suicide abortionism of 40,000 years
And grisly feminists from every tomb
Are closing in to seal your doom
And though you fight to change the channel
You mind knows something's not quite right
For no mere mortal can resist
A heap of atheistic, abortionist, feminist, freemasonic BBC shite."

Music: More of the great baseline. Zombies inching forward as in the famous John Landis video. Dracula fleeing in abject terror.

We fade out.

Thursday, April 04, 2019

questions to be resolved by the investigators of the boeing 737 max crashes

1. Was it Jihad? Were any members of the Ethiopian or Indonesian flight team or maintenance crews Jihadists? From the flight recorder, can we rule out the possibility that one of the pilots was deliberately crashing the plane while telling the other one he was doing everything right? Could Jihadists have sabotaged the flight computer? If, as has been stated by investigators, the forward sensor on both the Ethiopian plane and on the Indonesian plane was feeding incorrect data to the flight computers, we have to ask did someone knowingly damage or interfere with the forward sensors on both planes in order to cause them to crash?  There have been several incidents in the past ten years of Jihadi pilots simply ramming commercial jets into the ground or the ocean or buildings. (The Air Malaysia disaster etc) We should be aware of these and we should be asking questions about the extent of ongoing Jihadist infiltration and targeting of airlines and other transport facilities.

2. Was it an act of espionage by a foreign government (cf the Putin administration in Russia) designed to cripple western industry?

3. Was it an act of espionage commissioned by a rival commercial carrier or manufacturer?

4. Was some other secret brotherhood of evil involved in sabotaging the plane through computer hacking or any other way? Freemasons? Devil Worshippers? Et al?  Is there an Unknown Unknown involved? Something not even on our map of potential causalities?

5. Did the Boeing Corporation allow a plane into the market with computer software on it that crashes the planes?

All these questions should be asked and properly answered.
If Number 5 is true, I believe the Boeing Corporation will be finished as a trading entity.

Wednesday, April 03, 2019

mother ireland you're rearing them yet

"One of the buildings at work is haunted," said Teresa.
"Yes. It's haunted by a shower of neurotics on the staff," I replied with supernatural insight.
"It's a very old building," quoth she.
"It's the perfect match. A very old building. And an ageing bunch of  half wits," answereth I.
"James a door opened by itself."
"No. It was ajar and a draft blew it open."
"I mean it slammed shut by itself."
"Well which is it? Did it open or shut by itself."
"It opened and shut."
"And the person who saw this happening isn't making it up? You sure? I think maybe you and the staff are wandering in and out on your anti depressants and most of the time you don't know whether the doors are open or closed or not."
"James a really level headed girl told me the door opened and shut on its own."
"When you say level headed how serious can I take it? I mean, what's level headed to a person like you? You're as mad as a brush. In the words of that great investigator of the paranormal Shaniah Twain: When you say level headed, that don't impress me a lot. Ner ner ner ner ner. Sure you've got a cookery school but you talk a lot of rot. Now don't get me wrong. I think you're alright. But when you say a house is haunted, my first thought is well that's a load of old shite. Ner ner ner. That don't impress me much. Ner ner ner."
"Thanks a bunch."
"Enjoys a laugh does she, this level headed girl? Likes to vary the monotony of a working day spent with complete neuros by making up stories about doors that open and close on their own? Bit of a level headed mischief maker maybe?"
"There have been too many stories James. People say they feel a presence."
"The presence of young Snurdlebaum from accounts having a larf, I'll wager."
"Okay, James. Given we all think the place is haunted, what would you do?"
"Get a priest to say Mass there. That's all you need to do."
"But what if it's not an evil spirit?"
"You don't worry about what it is. Get a priest to say Mass. If it needs prayer, your prayers will help it. If it's not meant to be there, the celebration of the Mass will reclaim the hall. That's all."
"I thought you didn't believe me."
"I don't have to believe you. It's just a case of looking after business. If you think there might be something there, get a Padre to perform the ancient celebration of the liberating truth of the universe. All time and all of heaven and earth are mystically present in adoration where Mass is said. Nothing that's not meant to be there will find it easy to be there after that. Get it done."

Tuesday, April 02, 2019

watching the defectives

Browsing through a copy of the bankrupt atheistic abortionist euthanasist contraceptivist anti Catholic Irish Independent newspaper.
The newspaper has been left in the cafe for readers to avail of without the trouble of shelling out any cash.
A complimentary copy they call it.
They nearly can't give them away.
On the cover it says 2.20 Euro is the purchase price.
Soon it will be officially a free sheet.
Judging by the current strategy of preserving brand recognition by leaving them in cafes, I'd say it's a free sheet already.
And lo.
On page ten I find.
An ad sponsored by the self styled Broadcasting Authority of Ireland (using tax payers money, ie my money) in association with Independent Newspaper group's front organisation News Brands Ireland.
The ad represents another corporate strategy from Ireland's bankrupt readerless viewerless media groups.
That is to say it is their last gasp.
They're hoping to create a business model for themselves by criminalising the internet.
The ad is a generalised slander designed to imply that all internet news sources are suspect.
It reads:

"It's important for you to know where your food comes from. Isn't it just as important for you to know where your information comes from?

What a thought provoking bit of agit prop.
They raise an interesting point though if we apply it to them.
Let's see.
My questions.
1. Who are the Board of the State sponsored RTE television company and who appoints them?
2. Has the Board of RTE been subverted by the drug dealing, people trafficking, child abusing IRA terrorist mafia?
3. Why do known IRA sympathisers continue to control television output on RTE?
4. Have any other secret brotherhoods of evil infiltrated the Board at RTE aside from the IRA and its political proxies in the Sinn Fein party?
5. Were Soviet era KGB agents of influence serving as senior staffers at the Irish Times?
6. Do Soviet era KGB agents of influence continue to serve as senior staffers at the Irish Times?
7. How is the Irish Times editorial position determined?
8. Who has determined the Irish Times consistent editorial position in favour of abortion, euthanasia, contraceptivism, and commmunism for the past fifty years?
9. Who gave white collar mafioso Denis O'Brien a billion dollars of public money to purchase a controlling interest in Independent Newspapers?
10. Who cancelled Independent Newspapers' billion dollar debts to Allied Irish Bank by bringing the bank into State control and then writing off the Independent Newspapers debt which Denis O'Brien and his fellow billionaire share holders were simply refusing to pay?
11. Who has directed Independent Newspapers culture war against the Christian religion?
12. Why has the Fine Gael political party been permitted to pour public money into Independent Newspapers in the form of paid for news reports?
13. And so on.

Monday, April 01, 2019

scene from the motion picture vampires of dublin

(Camera: Interior Castle Dracula. The rumpus room. Drac and co are socialising.)

Enter Francois, Drac's amanuensis with a captured prisoner he's found wandering outside.

Francois: "Master, I found this one wandering in the grounds."

(Francois pushes prisoner forward. The prisoner's hands are in chains.)

Drac: "I think I know you."

British Comedian Tim Vine: "Well, everybody does."

Drac: "You're that guy who used to present Snooker on the television."

Tim Vine: "That's my brother David."

Drac: "I quite like him."

Tim Vine: "Vine with me."

Drac: "Is there a reason for you presence here?"

(Tim Vine does some Tim Vine patter which he'll have to script himself. The vampire themed jokes come thick and fast. Dracula is not a fan. As Tim Vine appears to pause for breath, Dracula raises his head from his hands.)

Drac: "I'm going to let you go. Francois! Loosen his bonds."

Francois: "But you never let them go."

Drac: "My mind is made up."

(Francois unlocks chains.)

Tim Vine: "Fang you very much."

(Tim Vine turns to girl vampire who is wearing a low cut dress.)

Tim Vine: "And fang you for the mammaries... Hmmm. Maybe I'll stay for an a-pair-of-teef. A pair of teeth. Geddit?"

Drac: "Off you go now Tim Vine. There's a comedy night special on the BBC at nine o'clock which you mustn't miss. Fare thee well Tim Vine. Fly, fly, fly."

(Tim Vine walks somewhat glumly out the door.)

(A moment later Tim Vine bursts through the door again accompanied by music.)

Music FX: Theme from Whatever Happened To The Heroes.

Tim Vine: (singing)
"Whatever happened to
All the comedians
I mean the good ones
Not the tragedians
Whatever happened to the heroes
Nerdle nerdle ner
Nerdle nerdle ner
Whatever happened to the heroes
Nerdle ner
Nerdle nerdle ner
No more Fawlties anymore
No more Fawlties anymore
Ner ner ner ner ner ner nerdle ner ner nerdle nerdle ner
Whatever happened to
Eric Morecombe
He got an art attack
That made his ears burn
Whatever happened to
Bill Oddie
Frankie Howerd
And the great Shappie Khorsandi
Whatever happened to the heroes
Nerdle ner
Nerdle nerdle ner
No more heroes anymore
No more Goodies anymore
No more Benny Hills anymore
Ner ner ner ner nerdle nerdle ner ner ner ner
Ner ner ner ner ner ner
Ner ner ner ner
Whatever happened to
Mike Yarwood
They replaced him
With someone no good
Whatever happened to the heroes
Nerdle nerdle ner
What every happened to the heroes
Nerdle ner
No more Mainwarings anymore
No more On The Buses anymore
No more Ooo Er Missus anymore
Ner, ner, ner, ner, nerdle nerdle ner ner
Nerdle ner nerdle ner nerdle ner ner"

(Tim Vine exits as though he had never been.)

new advertising campaign for the sun newspaper

Cor blimey.
In this week's super soaraway Sun, we expose the creepy perverts who make money for their readerless newspapers by publishing phone sex lines and then labelling people who have been disrupted by those phone sex lines as creepy perverts. Yes. We're exposing the creepy perverts who run Rupert Mudock's News International Corporation, the Daily Star, the Daily Mirror, and Insert Name Of Creepy Pervert Run Newspaper Group Here. And Rupert's the biggest perv of the lot.
Cor blimey.
Only in the super, soaraway, phone tapping, police bribing, politician corrupting, citizenry debauching, Sun.
Corrrr blimeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyy.

and now this

"Are you serious James?" wondered Maisie Baines apropos of nothing at all.
"Is the Pope a Soviet era freemasonic infiltrator of the Catholic church," I answered (rhetorically).