The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Saturday, August 27, 2016

subtle intimations of light

The Italian journalist Oriana Fallacci stood up, eyes blazing.
She leaned towards the Ayatollah Khomeini.
In a single fluid gesture she tore off the chador, a Muslim head covering she had been compelled to wear to obtain the interview, and flung it on the ground.
"I hate this medieval rag," she shouted, "and I'm not going to wear it."
The Ayatollah Khomeini's son took her arm and hustled her to one side.
He stared at her.
"That is the first time in my life," he told her, " that I have ever seen my father laugh."

(Source: Christopher Hitchens book 'And Yet.')

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

this sporting life

There has been widespread relief in Ireland tonight at news that the government is taking immediate action to address gangland infiltration of the Irish Olympic Committee.
At a packed press conference, the Irish government has announced the immediate appointment of IRA mafia capo Gerry Adams to head up the Olympic Committee.
Mr Adams will be assisted by former hitman Martin McGuinness and a committee of drug dealing people trafficking child abusing IRA skang gang mobsters including Gerry Hutch, Christopher Kinahan and Slab Murphy.
"It's the best way of dealing with corruption," commented Sports Minister Shane Ross. "We're bringing it into the open. Any attempt to remove the IRA and its associated rackateers from control of the Olympic Committee would have left us all facing charges before the courts which are themselves controlled by the IRA. At least now there is no longer any secret IRA mafia infiltration of the Olympic Committee. It's all above board. If you can't beat them join them. Oh Mummy! Helllllp!"
To allay public concerns about unofficial IRA infiltration of the Olympic Committee of Ireland, the organisation will henceforth be officially known as the IRA Olympic Committee of Ireland.
The incoming IRA Olympic Committee have already announced some of their draft picks for the Tokyo Olympics in 2020.
"We've picked our equestrian team this evening," announced a pleased Gerry Adams. "Cian O'Connor will ride Michelle Smith in the showjumping event. We accept that in the past there have been allegations that Cian O'Connor's horses used drugs but no allegations were ever proven against Cian himself. He's just been unlucky with the sort of horses he chose to hang out with. We also accept that some of Michelle Smith's blood samples came back as one hundred per cent Johnny Walker whiskey but these tests were carried out subsequent to her three gold medal wins in Atlanta in 1996 not before, and anyway it has never been specifically illegal to urinate pure whiskey. In spite of all that's been said about Michelle and other IRA Olympic drug cheats, you have to remember that she was allowed to keep her three OIympic swimming gold medals. You should also remember that she's a qualified barrister and practices law in the Republic of Ireland. Amid all this media obsession about our drug cheat Olympians, the perfect compromise is to have Michelle as Cian's horse in the showjumping events. That way no one will ever be able to prove anything and even if they could prove it, they'll be too scared to say anything in case she sues them or we shoot them."
There was further surprise at the press conference this evening when Sports Minister Shane Ross told reporters that he was dealing with the current ticket fraud scandal by appointing another IRA drug dealing faction known as the INLA to handle all future sales of Olympic Games tickets in Ireland.
"The INLA will sell Ireland's Olympic tickets from now on," commented a grim Mr Ross desperately trying to conceal his British accent. "And they hate touts."

Sunday, August 21, 2016

the crunch question

Question: Does the arrest by Brazilian police of the head of Ireland's Olympic Council in a ticket fraud scandal and the discovery of yet another Irish Olympic competitor up to his neck in drugs, taken in context with discredited Irish Olympians from previous years, ie the gold medal "winners" Michelle Smith in swimming and Cian O'Connor in show jumping, (bear in mind that drug samples from Cian O'Connor's horses being held as evidence were stolen on two separate occasions in outrageous circumstances bearing all the hallmarks of a gangland rescue operation, once from an official premises in Ireland and once from a motorcycle courier on the continent who was hijacked and ordered to hand over Cian O'Connor's horse's drug samples, none of which has discouraged the gangland infested Irish Olympic Committee from continuing to select Cian O'Connor to represent Ireland at the Olympic Games, just bear it in mind), does all this, along with the presence of the IRA in boxing clubs around Ireland, a presence brought into plain view by the recent gangland shooting mounted by the Hutch IRA gang against a rival drug dealing IRA cell styled the Kinahan mafia at a boxing event in the Regent Hotel Dublin and the subsquent all out IRA mafia faction gang war tearing civil society and the rule of law in Ireland to pieces, not to mention the murder this week of a man on holiday in Spain by Kinahan IRA mob blitzers, and the attempted murder of yet another drug dealer in Dublin tonight even as I'm writing this, does all this imply that the IRA and gangland have taken over the running of Olympic sporting organisations in Ireland along with sections of the Judiciary, the media, the trade union movement and the police?

Answer: Yes.