The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Saturday, August 23, 2008

portrait of an american actor of character

will smith pudding and pie
shot all the aliens and made them cry
but when the jihadi's came out to play
will smith sat at home in his plush penthouse apartment in the hollywood hills making snide remarks about president bush

the night visitor

She came to me in her glory.
She said: "James you always honoured me."
I said: "It was because you had the kids. You let nothing stand in your way. You gave them their chance at life. Anne, you should have seen your daughter at the funeral. She was gorgeous. She was just terrific. She was doing a reading and she got into trouble with the Biblical language. And the more she tried to read the sentence the more bogged down she got. Finally she just said Bleccchhh. I've never heard anyone say Bleccchhh on the altar before. She said Bleccchhh, and that got her focused, and then she went back and read the full sentence perfectly. It was brilliant. Best thing I've ever seen at a funeral... I'll see you sometime in eternity Anne. We'll meet at the pillar. Second star on the right. Straight ahead till morning."

Friday, August 22, 2008

letter from a daughter of china

hi james,
how are you? i am glad you ask me about tibet. some people even don't do any research but they already made their mind by media.
have you heard cnn apologize for the fake picture and untrue report about tibet at the beginning of riot? of course not, they didn't repeat it as usual. but at least they did once and they took down the picture from internet as request. and in japan anybody who join to march for support tibet against olympic will be paid 100 euro per day, this is my friend who study in tokyo phoned me and told me, by the way there were 3000 chinese people on o'connell st to march for support olympic and chinese government, we informed all the tv channel, but nobody came on that day to report, only irish time took picture then report it in the middle of pages. but there were 3 tibet people with flag standing on street a few monthes ago, their news everywhere. i do understand we need fully respect 3 tibet people's voice, but why ignore our 3000 people's voice and stories? why fake news from cnn?why western media try to block all the support government news?what's going on?
One thing is for sure , we are not American following dog! at least we didn't vote yes on the issue of iraq war just for get bush's happy face! Honestly, we have completely opposite political system from western country. And we are getting stronger and stronger, but does that means we will control the world and cause the war?have you see any that type Chinese? i want to say we are easy going and hard working people. we don't want to cause any trouble, we just want to let our life getting better and better, under this government, our life getting much better, they still have problems, but they are progressing for the country, I grew up in china and stayed in Ireland for 7 years, and come back china once per year, I watch cnn bbc everyday in ireland. my eyes tell me the truth! not cnn or bbc. Tibet is a big tourist place not only for foreigner but also for Chinese, my father was there for holiday and his collegue was working there for 3 years. the people have peaceful and religion life there, government don't want change their life at all, maybe their special life style can attract a lot tourists as well. But the people there have right to choose their own life style, not just following the tradition. So the government build school, restaurants, electricity, tv, shower (because as tradition they only should have 3 showers in their life.). if they want to go to school for education instead of going to temple for all their life, they have right to choose themselves, not dalai lama!! nobody should use religion to control their people, people have right to choose their life and religion! do you think dalai lama would be happy to see his followers getting less and less? Do you think American like us to be stronger? Are they really care about our people's life or they just try to destroy our government to build another new one who can only say yes to American!?why they only report bad news about us?why they wouldn't let word know 99.9% chinese support and happy about our current government? Inside Tibet the people are very angery about the western media un truth reports, they are happy about their life but some people try to use riot monks to make up stories. that's why dalai lama state that he didn't seek independent but freedom, actually he knew nobody will vote for him except his following monks and American! because people are happy there, that's the real truth!
Even if we open the gate of tibet for western media, but they only report a few monks voice and ignore most Tibet people's voice, what should we do?
Can our true voice be heard by world? Can we spread truth bigger than cnn, bbc, wester media community? From this lesson, we know we can't. they are too strong. They can tell whatever they want , truth or fake, it is up to them. we were crying without sound when we see all the world try to against Chinese government which they are making effort to develop our economic life.
cnn, bbc, from "human right" point of view, please please let world know the real china inside!!
James, You are very welcome to ASK me about Tibet. But you need to go to china and stay there for a while before you make any comment on Tibet issue.
That `s my opinion base on my back ground and my eyes.. not only from media.

Hi Valerie.
Thanks for the reply and the food for thought.
My questions...
Did the Communist Party of China invade Tibet in 1950 and subject it to Chinese rule?
Was the the invasion of Tibet by the Communist Party of China illegal, immoral and vile?
Outside of Tibet, did Chairman Mao and the Communist Party of China murder a hundred million Chinese in order to retain power?
By the way, I always refer to the Chinese Communist Party when speaking of the government of China.
Because I don't believe the Chinese people support this government and its crimes at all.
Valerie this isn't BBC or CNN propaganda.
The Communist Party of China did invade Tibet and had no right to do so.
The Communist Party of China's invasion was immoral, illegal and vile.
Chairman Mao and the Communist Party of China did murder a hundred million Chinese between 1950 and 1976.
If you think these things are BBC or CNN propaganda you are attempting to turn truth into lies.
And lies into truth.
Valerie you said 99.9 percent of Chinese agree with their government.
If that was true, wouldn't the Chinese Communist Party allow free elections in the morning?
But it's not true.
And the Chinese Communist Party will never allow free elections.
You said 3000 Chinese protested in Dublin in support of the Chinese Communist Party's policies.
Xiao Lin if even 300 million Chinese protested in support of conquering a peaceful free nation like Tibet, then the action of conquering Tibet would still be illegal, immoral and vile.
If a billion Chinese protested in favour of the above mentioned murder of a nation, the murder would still be murder.
And if the billion were joined by a final 200 million Chinese (bringing the total to 99.9 percent of the population of China) protesting in favour of the Chinese Communist Party's lying mendacious psychotic oppression of an ancient people, why then surely even you must admit that such a protest could still in no way change the lie into truth, could in no way change the mendaciousness into honour, could in no way change the psychosis underlying the oppression into righteous valour, and of course could in no way change any of these things from what they ultimately are, namely sad miserably deluded attempts at concealment of a shabby piratical Chinese Communist Party tyranny.
The truth does not change Xiao Lin just because a billion people love the lie.
But the Communist Party of China has never had even close to a billion people on its side.
If it did, it wouldn't have to commit quite so many mass murders.
Xiao Lin, you made some remarks about the Americans.
I don't agree with what you said about them.
You seem to support the Muslim side in the War On Terror.
You are less supportive of Al Qaeda's actions in the Xinjiang Uighur region of your own country, aren't you?
Funny, that.
America's liberation of Iraq from the Saddam Hussein family murderocracy, and America's liberation of Afghanistan from the hideously deranged Taliban are in no way similar to any trans border actions by the Chinese Communist Party government.
You're on weak ground when you sneer at America.
America's behaviour in the international sphere is on a different moral plain to that of the Chinese Communist Party government.
Take a look at other countries America has liberated.
Western Europe and Eastern Europe, from the Nazis and the Communists.
Italy, German and Japan, from their own dictatorships.
South Korea, Taiwan, and the Philippines, from communist terror movements allied to China.
All those American backed and American protected countries are free.
Not perfect.
But free.
You know what I'm talking about.
You've lived in Ireland.
You've seen freedom.
Whether you wanted to see it or not.
Now look at the countries which have been liberated by the Communist Party of China.
I'm begging you to look at them.
You need never speak to me or write to me again.
But at least for these brief few moments, allow yourself to look on the tiniest infinitesimal possibility that everything you've always believed is utterly crassly wrong.
Look at the countries who are allies of China.
The countries whose governments could not exist without the support of the Communist Party of China.

North Korea.
The Islamic Republic of Sudan.

Xiao Lin... The people of these countries survive under the most evil dictatorships on the planet. You don't have to be religious to know evil when you see it. You don't have to be religious to know that evil can never be good. Nor can evil ever produce good results. No matter how many billions protest that it does. You don't have to be pro American to recognise that the Chinese Communist Party is the only thing propping up the useless clownish dictators in Burmah, North Korea, Zimbabwe, and Sudan. These are unbecoming friends for any Chinese person. They shame you. The murders Xiao Lin. The rapes. The starvation. All because those countries are following a communist path sponsored by your government, a path which leads to nothing but impoverishment, desolation, and death.
China must step from the communist path to the path of life.
You say to me that China is strong.
How can China be strong when the Communist Party of China has stolen Tibet from its own people?
Strong countries are not petty thieves.
How can China be strong when the Communist Party of China doesn't allow the people of China to say what they truly think about anything?
Strong countries are not afraid of words.
And how can you, a daughter of China, say to me that China is strong when the Communist Party of China forces Chinese women to abort their unborn children in their millions every year?
Is this strength?
This is barbarism Xiao Lin.
You and your people will answer to God for it.
There was another interesting comment you made.
You suggested I could not know about China until I had lived there.
This of course answers all my arguments without answering any of them.
It is unworthy of you Xiao Lin.
Remember I'm Irish.
A significant minority of my Irish (generally communist) countrymen spent the past eighty years inflicting terrorism on the rest of us. Whenever they were challenged about this, they would reply: "You don't know what you're talking about because you don't live where we live."
I thought it was a specious argument then from the terrorists.
I think it is a specious argument from you now.
I'm telling you Xiao Lin, I can oppose murder in any country on earth, without living in the same neighbourhood as every murderer on the planet.
I can and I do.
You made some references to the religion of the Tibetans.
But the Tibetans have invaded no country.
Their religion has a lot more in its favour than the atheistic communist twaddle you seem so proud of.
Perhaps the Communist Party of China could take some lessons from the Tibetans on how it should conduct itself towards its neighbours and towards the rest of the world.
Xiao Lin your remarks about the Dalai Lama seemed unfair to me.
The Dalai Lama is a man of peace.
The Chinese Communist Party should treat him with respect.
The Chinese Communist Party should renounce every lie it has ever told about him.
The Chinese Communist Party should make itself accountable to the truth with regard to the Dalai Lama and indeed with regard to everything else.
What a golden age would dawn for mankind in that hour.
Then would the Chinese people truly have stood up.
You know something.
China will be free of this communist dictatorship you so love.
Otherwise Xiao Lin, the God you don't believe in will fling your armies from Tibet in a single night.
Your glittering cities will be brought low by the wrath of the Creator you have denied.
Your ancient culture, your spectacular accomplishments throughout history, your sublime technologies, your nation's illustrious destiny, all will be washed away in a moment like a splash of mud from the path of life.
Honorable and noble Xiao Lin, I tell you this because I love you.
PS: CNN and the BBC hate President Bush more than you do.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

from our sports desk

The Leinster Leader (owned by British stock exchange quoted group Johnston Press) has advertised for a new editor.
By my reckoning if someone actually applies for the job and accepts it, that will make four editors in about a year for the now near legendary Leinster Leader.
Excuse me.
There's something I've got to do.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hah hahhh haahhhhhhh hahhhhhhhhhhhh, ho ho ho ho, heee hee he , he ha he he heeeeee, ha ha ha ha ha ha, hahhhhhhhh haaaaaahhhhhh haaaaaaaaaaaaaah, ho ho ho ho hooo hee heee heeeee, ho.
And we're back.
Rumours have even begun circulating that the Leinster Leader and its owner Johnston Press may have been cursed.
I can now confirm these rumours are true.
Why just five minutes ago I cursed them myself.
The exact phrase I used was: "What a useless shower of miserable incompetent wh-ring f--k faced bast--ding wh-ring c--ts."
And I meant it to sting.

Note: James Healy was fired from the Leinster Leader three weeks before Christmas.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

pilgrim's lack of progress

As long as you proceed with a true heart, the universe is on your side.
Once you play her false, the universe will no longer be your advocate.
Well, so I've been told.
Evening with Big Hair in the Cafe Insomnia near Trinity College.
Watching the Trinners types tripping along the pavement outside.
I'm thinking to myself how much I'd like it if a few of them really would trip.
Resentful of the glamorous effervescence of youth, moi?
Big Hair is watching me intently.
I begin to quiz her about Valerie, one of her friends she'd introduced me to yesterday.
You know the sort of questions.

What's she like?
No, what's she really like?
Did she say anything about me after I left?
Are you sure she didn't mention me?
Did she look sad for a moment after I was gone?
Are you absolutely positively certain she didn't mention me?
Did she say any words that rhymed with my name?

Ah yes gentle travellers of the internet.
The desperation stakes.
Big Hair fielded my questions with professional aplomb. But there was something in her manner. She was hedging. I could feel it.
When I could take no more, I confronted her with my suspicions.
"For crying out loud," I burst out, "what in tarnation are you hiding?"
"Okay," sez she, "there's something you should know about Valerie."
She paused.
My little mind reeled with wondrous possibilities.
Was Valerie an Islamist assassin working for Osama Bin Goatherd?
What if she's a jewel thief wanted on three continents?
Or how about if she's just an insatiable sex maniac whose greatest fantasy is balding pot bellied poets with three mobile phone speed bumps on their right cheek.
"Okay," sez Big Hair again. "Here it is. "Valerie is a little bit eccentric. Be careful. There. I've told you."
And she looked tremendously guilty as if she'd just betrayed a sacred trust with this complete nonentity of a revelation.
Oh the humanity.
Irony too.
Apparently Big Hair was actually trying to protect me from her mad bad dangerous to know friend who shock horror Ma Kettle, is a little bit eccentric.
As the initial disappointment passed, I began to laugh.
In fact, soon I was laughing so hard I couldn't stop.
"What's so funny?" enquired Big Hair with an edgy note in her voice.
I regained control of my equilibrium with some difficulty.
"You're funny," I explained. "You calling anyone eccentric. I mean, what could be eccentric by your standards? The illustrated Oxford English Dictionary has a picture of you beside the word eccentric."
The Unquiet American was less amused by this remark than you might expect, and our evening ended soon after that.
I sat alone in the Cafe Insomnia watching Nassau Street fill up with the dusk.
It had been a busy day for me.
A day of slap downs really.
Slapped down in the morning by Valentina Sexanova, a Russian acquaintance who didn't appreciate my gentle diplomatic lobbying on behalf of the South Caucasian Republic of Georgia.
Slapped down by Lu Yi via email over similar representations regarding Tibet.
Finally on the receiving end of a vintage Big Hair walk out.
You gotta wonder.
What am I trying to prove?
I glanced out the window.
The pavement was like a catwalk.
The city full of this year's girls.
About to start College.
And trying on their femininity for size.
In truth, I hope none of them trip up.
I stood.
Bold readers, if you had seen me in the doorway of the cafe this evening, you might have noticed the curiously whimsical expression playing about my rugged features.
At that moment you might have thought me a strangely gallant figure.
At odds with the world and in perpetual defiance of it.
I walked into the night.
Each man must be a legend to himself.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008


An email from Sheikh Ahmed.
We've been out of touch for a few years.
Mild disagreement about the War On Terror.
Today he's sent me a lecture about the poet Ezra Pound which he's due to deliver to some literary group in a British university.
The covering note attached to the lecture reads as follows:
Have a look at this and make any alterations you feel are necessary.
Now gentle travellers of the internet, this calls for discernment.
The Sheikh has a towering intellect. He speaks ten languages.
But English is not one of them.
Okay he speaks English.
It's just that it's not possible to know what he means when he speaks it.
As for his written English, the results are even more surrealistic.
I cast my eyes over the lecture.
Yes, I could make some alterations.
But it would mean writing a whole new lecture.
The lecture as it is, might as well have been written in ancient Egyptian.
It's genuinely utterly incomprehensible.
What on earth should I do?
First off, I gotta make friends with some Buddhist intellectuals.
They're less likely to take offence at my constructive criticisms than the Muslim ones.
And they're less likely to take action.
I'm telling you folks.
Whom the gods wish to destroy, they first make mad.
Clearly they've got it in for both me and Ahmed.

Monday, August 18, 2008

into the great wide open

Sunday, August 17, 2008

dances with hamsters

Evening at the Chateau de Healy.
I'm sitting in the front room trying to watch Star Trek.
MC Hamster is sulking in her cage.
She really is.
I wouldn't have believed such a small animal could sulk.
But God has crafted dignity into everything he created.
Even the littlest things.
She is lying in the centre of her cage in a state of sullen lassitudinous protest. Her body limp. Her head resting on the edge of her wheel.
She adopts this pose after I've been playing with her and returned her to the cage too soon.
She's maintained it tonight for fully half an hour.
"It's no use Hammy," sez I in some exasperation. "I'm not taking you out again. I've been playing with you for ages. You've already been out twice today. If you'd sit still when I take you out, like you're doing now, then it would be different. But I know the moment I release you from that cage, you'll be all action again. There's no use staring at me. I'm not doing it. Look. You've got the biggest cage in Ireland. There's hamsters who would love to be living there. Get up on that wheel and have a bit of a run. I can't be playing with you all the time. It's your own fault anyway. I'd buy other hamsters for you to play with only I know you'd kill them. Yes I've read all about that. Hamsters won't socialise with other hamsters except for mating purposes and even then there's liable to be trouble."
Hammy moved from the centre of her cage to the bars and grasped them poignantly.
Her Prisoner of Zenda routine.
This is very difficult to resist.
Sternly, I turned my attention back to Star Trek.
Captain Kirk was in a fist fight with someone who was trying to take over the universe or something.
The usual.
When next I looked at the cage, Hammikins was standing upright on two legs back in the centre, her body half turned away, her eyes locked accusingly on me.
She might have been the Phantom of the Opera.
I could nearly see the cape.
"Hammy," I mused, "I thought you were supposed to have very bad eyesight. You're not supposed to be able to see an inch in front of your nose."
Her big black eyes never left me.
Presently I got up, walked across the room and took her out of the cage.
"You needn't look so smug," I told her. "You're going straight back in, as soon as the McCain Obama debate starts."