The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Saturday, November 10, 2018

scene from the motion picture vampires of dublin

Camera Reveal: Dracula is strolling on a moonlit walk with a very pretty girl. She's got a certain je ne sais quoi. Instantly engaging. The quality of the ingenue. Sort of like Ola Rae from the Michael Jackson Thriller video. She's got it. Whatever it is. Dracula is trying to impress her with bravado and big talk. He is perhaps trying to hard.

Dracula: Of course being a vampire is not all fun and games. There are times you just want to settle down. You wonder, what's it all about? I remember Leonardo Da Vinci asking me for advice about getting old. I told him whatever age we are is a good age. But do I really believe it? The 500's are a hard age. I'm telling you. It feels like nobody loves you when you're 500. Where do you even go to meet girls? And female expectations keep changing. Women keep moving the goal posts. Back in the Regency you could add a hundred years to your age and they'd love it. Now if you're older than twenty one, they don't want to know you unless they've seen the deeds to your castle. In which case you don't want to know them. How does one keep up? And I'm changing too. So much adjustment to make in a world that never stands still. Hormones raging. They really rage when you're 552 and you can't get any. The 500's make being a teenager look like a walk in the park.

FX: Incidental music implying that the pretty ingenue is changing into a werewolf or something.

(Camera tracks from Dracula turning towards her slowly as camera zooms in to her face and freezes.)

Music: A jarring note.

(The girl has turned into the British comedian Tim Vine.)

Dracula: You! From the Snooker programme.

FX: The baseline beat from the Zombie dance sequence in Michael Jackson's Thriller starts. Tim Vine dances really well. An array of unappealing British comedians and celebrities emerge from tombs and park benches and the BBC canteen and such like. There's Jonathan Ross, Jo Brand, Ricky Gervais, etc etc. They dance very effectively with Tim Vine.)

Tim Vine: (Singing) Cos this is the BBC,
BBC comedy night
No one's gonna save you
From the politically correct atheistic left wing shite
BBC comedy night
You're fighting for your life
Inside a BBC
Anodyne toilet of shite
Ner ner
Night creatures crawl
With a Marxian mandate for abortion advocacy
There's no escaping the compulsory taxation which finances the Islam inside
There's no place you can hide
Doo doo doo 
It's close to midnight
Soviet sympathising presenters are closing in from every side.
You try to run
But a freemason frames you for child abuse like we did to Cliff Richard
You want some fun
You still think you can speak freely in your own country
You peasant swine
You're out of time
Coth thith ith a thiller
Thiller night
No one's gonna save you
From the trade unionist with the forty eyes
Thiller night
You're fighting for your life
Inside a BBC
Toilet of left wing shite"

(Dracua flees pursued by BBC zombies.)

Vincent Price: "Darkness falls across the land
The midnight hour is close at hand
And whomsoever dares to own a TV
Must finance the BBC
Whilst anyone else who shall be found
Opposing Muslim immigration to our land
Must stand and be labelled a racist by us
For making such an inconvenient fuss
The funk of forty thousand leftists
manipulating discourse for the sheer hell of it
And grisly Jihadists from every third world hell hole
Are closing in to steal your soul
And though you fight to say alive
Your society starts to collollopse
For no mere mortal can resist
The evil of... BBC bollocks"

Monday, November 05, 2018

de re ducula

Sitting at the window seat in the Tearman Cafe.
I beckon the Manageress.
She approaches.
"I miss the wooden ducks," I tell her.
"You weren't the only one who complained," sez she.
"I wasn't complaining. That was public discourse. Intended to edify and stimulate. I was teaching but I was learning too. I had no complaint at all."
"Well they're gone."
"A pity. Having just gotten used to wooden duck displays promoting mutual masturbation as marriage, I was starting to feel quite progressive. I was looking forward  to seeing your ducks embracing the rest of the liberal atheistic agenda for our country. I was looking forward to seeing a duck having an abortion. And I couldn't wait to see your asssisted suicide ducks. Or a couple of your ducks euthanising an elderly duck."

michael d higgins and the plot that worked

A few weeks before Ireland's Presidential elections, the ultra left wing IRA infiltrated Marxian atheist abortionist, contraceptivist, national broadcaster  RTE, financed by compulsory taxation on the citizenry but utterly unaccountable to them, claimed that an opinion poll showed incumbent candidate Michael D Higgins would win 70 percent of the vote.
In the actual election last week only 40 percent of the population voted.
The atheistic abortionist bigoted Marxian anti Catholic Higgins won half of that vote.
That is to say he won the votes of 20 percent of the population whereas RTE had been suggesting he would win 70 percent of the overall eligible vote.
RTE collapsed the potential voting turnout for Higgins' opponents by releasing the nonsense figure claiming 70 percent of the population would vote for him.
How did we get from 70 percent pf the overall population supporting Higgins in an opinion poll to the actual overall percentage of the population who voted for Higgins being just 20 percent?
Because the 70 percent figure was invented.
Come back Vladdie Putin all is forgiven.
Mother Ireland you're rearing them yet.

heelers first law of womanology

You can learn an awful lot from a woman's eyes.
You can learn nothing from her magnificent silken clad thighs.

Corollary: To the modern lecher a come hither look is indistinguishable from a get lost creep.