The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Saturday, January 22, 2011

a rann for rwanda

half a million leaves
fell from the tree
a man might count forever
before he'd count their beauty

i wake or sleep
sitting or standing
in a vision of leaves
and everything ending

Friday, January 21, 2011


Eamon Dunphy: Beer and cocaine snorter. Formerly a critic of Ireland's corrupt kleptocratic Fianna Fail class until he started snorting beer and cocaine with Ireland's corrupt kleptocratic Fianna Fail class. Now reinventing himself once more as a critic of Ireland's corrupt kleptocratic Fianna Fail class. Let's not let him do it.
President Mary McAleese: Northie socialist who somehow became President of Ireland through a tacit alliance with Ireland's corrupt kleptocratic Fianna Fail class. Occasionally likes to pose Catholic. It's just a pose. Claimed a few years ago to a bunch of school kids in Athy that "we are the first generation with the means to end poverty." She was advocating limitless spending on limitless socialisms which of course has as it always does led to limitless economic collapse. Now reinventing herself as the moral guardian of the nation. Let's not let her do it.
Garret Fitzgerald: Former Prime Minister for Ireland's main opposition party Fine Gael. Three decades ago, before Fianna Fail ever got in on throwing free money at gangster banks, Garret Fitzgerald and Fine Gael used Ireland to bail out Allied Irish Bank which as usual had gone bust through its own clownish adventurist corruption. Fitzgerald bailed em out while securing absolutely no return for the Irish people, no ownership, no guarantees of probity, nothing. Fitzgerald did ensure though that this gangster bank could continue to pay its board of directors million dollar salaries and bonuses for doing nothing right up until the moment thirty years later when reality once more kicked in and Allied Irish Banks could no longer conceal its desolate trading position with accountancy tricks. This time Fianna Fail signed us all up to pay Allied Irish Banks debts. Garret Fitzgerald got there first. He is currently busily reinventing himself as an economic sage in the pages of the Irish Times. Let's not let him do it.
David McWilliams: Pseud economist and louche git. Several years ago he laughingly told a meeting of investors at a conference sponsored by a stockbroking and accountancy firm, that he had represented Ireland at economic consultations with the European Union as adviser to former corrupt kleptocratic Fianna Fail Prime Minister Bertie Aherne without knowing what the hell he was talking about. At the Dublin conference he made the whole thing sound like a big joke. Now posing as an advocate of fiscal rectitiude. Let's not let him do it.
Ruairi Quinn: Member of Ireland's Labour Party. Lifelong socialist atheist abortionist. Brother of Lochlainn Quinn who as a board member of Allied Irish Banks was able to purchase a vineyard in France for thirty million quid. The nation is now picking up the tab for Allied Irish Banks thousands of millions of dollars of losses. The Quinns and their ilk think they should be let keep their vineyards. Let's not let them do it.

Thursday, January 20, 2011


PADDY PUP... God wanted him to chew up a sunbeam.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

ger colleran's moment of truth

It was morning in the Daily Star offices.
The editor Ger Colleran sat behind his desk.
Ger Colleran is famous in Ireland for a cowardly and grotesque lie which he perpetrated on national television a few years ago, wherewith he falsely maliciously and malignly claimed children had been sexually abused in every Catholic Church presbytery in Ireland.
As editor of a newspaper which is half owned by a British porn baron, he likes to pose as a champion of moral probity.
And he just loves to falsely impugn the faith of our fathers.
Today he was brooding over a print out of The Heelers Diaries.
A minion entered.
Like most of the younger male staff at the Daily Star, the minion was a sneaky looking piece of work in a cheap suit.
"Caruthers," murmured Ger Colleran softly. "Is it true?"
"Is what true, Sir?" answered the minion.
Ger Colleran took a deep breath.
"Am I really a slatternly vapid assinine turpitudinous egg yolk of a man?"  he wondered.
The minion looked at his shoes.
"Er," he said. "Er, um, I mean, well, that is to say, I'm, eh, I'm sure, eh, I mean, who can judge, I mean, er, Heelers himself probably doesn't even know what he means by that."
Ger Colleran stared vacantly towards the window.
His vapid turpitudinous slatternly soulless egg yolk eyes were filmed with tears.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

election slogans

Fine Gael (Ireland's main opposition party): "Under Prime Minister Garret Fitzgerald, we corruptly bailed out Allied Irish Banks thirty years ago. We were on the game before anyone else ever thought of throwing free money at banks, and we secured a grand total of nothing for Ireland in return. But we're not Fianna Fail."
Labour (Ireland's formally socialist party): "We promised never to go into governmental coalition with Fianna Fail and then did so. But we're not Fianna Fail."
The Greens (Ireland's party for poor little rich atheists): "We promised not to go into government with Fianna Fail and then did so. But we're not Fianna Fail."
Sinn Fein (Ireland's party for former terrorists): We love bombs, defunct political ideology, Karl Marx, and Jihadis, in that order. But we're not Fianna Fail."
Fianna Fail (Ireland's main political party): We're not Fianna Fail. Okay we are. But vote for us anyway.