The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Saturday, May 19, 2012

the beast must die

(Position Points written in response to a young Italian who told me today following the supposed Mafia murder of a schoolgirl that the Mafia could not be defeated.)

1. The Mafia is evil.

2. The Mafia must be destroyed.

3. We must destroy the Mafia.

4. Mafiosi will henceforth have no standing before the law.

5. The 500,000 members of Mafia families must suffer and be seen to suffer exponentially more than they are causing 59,500,000 other Italians, ie everyone else, to suffer.

6. Half a million Mafiosi must not be allowed to continue to rule Italy from the shadows at the expense of 59 million five hundred thousand other Italians who wish to be free of them.

7. Mafia attacks must be punished with overwhelming force.

8. The Judiciary in Italy must be fired. The present generation of politicians and political parties must also be fired. Firing them will mean establishing broadly based anti Mafia political parties and winning an election.

9. Army courts will try Mafiosi.

10. Mafia trials will take no more than a day.

11. Five hundred thousand Mafiosi are to be imprisoned without trial.

12. Mafiosi are to be given no visitation rights from friends or family or gang members.

13. Mafiosi are to be jailed for a minimum of ten years.

14. Mafiosi are to be held in isolation to prevent them planning, strategising or reorganising to deal with the war against them.

15. If Mafia attacks continue against schools or any other targets, all Mafia sentences are to be extended from ten years to life.

16. If Mafia attacks continue against schools or any other targets after the imposition of general life sentences on Mafiosi, the general life sentences are to be replaced with the death penalty. This will happen. We should be prepared for it.

17. Such Mafiosi as are not executed are to be dispersed and/or held overseas.

18. The town of Corleone in Sicily is to be proscribed. Its entire population will be deported and/or incarcerated without compensation of any sort. Let its name henceforth be a curse in Italy and the world.

19. The Italian army will invade and conquer Naples with the express purpose of militarily destroying the Mafia organisation styling itself the Camorro. Martial law will be declared and enforced in Naples. Citizens of Naples will no longer have the right to vote. All young men in Naples will be conscripted. If Naples remains recalcitrant, expel it from the Italian Republic. This will happen.

20. The army will  invade and conquer Calabria with the express purpose of destroying the criminal Mafia organisation styling itself the Ndrangheta. Martial law will be declared and enforced in Calabria. Citizens of Calabria will no longer have the right to vote. All young men in Calabria will be conscripted. If Calabria remains recalcitrant, expel it from the Italian Republic.

21. The army will invade and conquer Puglia with the express purpose of destroying the criminal Mafia organisation styling itself Santa Coronita Unita. Martial law will be declared and enforced in Puglia. Citizens of Puglia will no longer have the right to vote. All young men in Puglia will be conscripted. If Puglia remains recalcitrant, expel it from the Italian Republic.

22. All towns and regions in Italy will hold a referendum on whether they wish to be Mafia Free Zones.

23. All schools and classrooms will display prominent anti Mafia slogans on their walls. Every child in Italy will contemplate a poster saying "Mafia Scum," and/or "Death To The Mafia" as they study. The Mafia's lien on the next generation will be broken decisively using this and any other means at our disposal.

24. The first class in every school every day will be devoted to anti Mafia propaganda. When we're finished no member of the next generation, expecially such children of Mafiosi as we permit to remain in school, should be able to contemplate the Mafia without repulsion and disgust.

25. All towns will display prominent MAFIA FREE ZONE and MAFIA SCUM signage. All television news programmes will have MAFIA FREE ZONE and MAFIA SCUM signage behind the presenters.

26. We will create infectious assumption as we move towards each official declaration of each town and region in Italy as a MAFIA FREE ZONE.

27. Each town must have a public stocks in which Mafiosi are exposed to public ridicule. The Mafiosi should be gagged during their daily detention in the stocks.

28. Mafiosi should be fed bread and water. Nothing else.

29. When the Mafia murder teachers and school children again as they inevitably will, the response must be immediate and decisive.

30. Young people must establish new political parties to repudiate the Free Masonic/Socialist/Fascist/Mafia hijacking of their country.

31. The fear of creating something worse than Mafia rule cannot compel us to do nothing.

32. If we repent of our sins and return to God, the Mafia will wither into nothing overnight.

33. Let the tyrant beware.


Copies to: Al Qaeda, the European Parliament, the government of the Republic of Ireland, Freemasons, etc.

Friday, May 18, 2012

scene from the motion picture vampires of dublin

Mike entered the snooker room at Castle Dracula.
Dracula, practicing alone, was in the process of going for a difficult red.
"Stop you foul fiend of hell!" roared Mike.
Dracula missed the red and straightened up.
Face contorted with unholy fury, he turned to Mike.
"You," he exclaimed. "Here!"
"Yes, me here," snarled back Mike as if he meant it.
Dracula eyed his missed red and then turned back to Mike.
"You," he exclaimed again. "You... You bollocks."
Dracula moved from the snooker table and began advancing on Mike.
Mike whipped a crucifix from under his coat.
Dracula recoiled sincerely.
"Back you foul fiend of hell," roared Mike, somewhat unnecessarily since Dracula was already cowering and hissing and moving backwards in a manner that showed no inkling or intention of ever moving forward again.
There was an awkward moment with Mike waving the crucifix and Dracula cowering but nothing else really happening.
"Back you foul fiend of hell," roared Mike, this time because he couldn't really think of anything else to say.
"Careful," managed Dracula. "Careful. You nearly had my eye out there."
"Back," snarled Mike but the snarl was lame compared to his previous efforts.
He was finding it hard to think of good one liners to go with the work in hand.
A thought struck Dracula.
"Hey, the crucifix only works if you believe in it," he said suddenly straightening up all business like and ceasing to hiss.
"I do believe in it," iterated Mike with a hint of doubt.
"Been to mass lately?" enquired Dracula.
"Well no. But I believe. Back. Back. You. You foul... You foul..."
"You believe in what exactly?" demanded Dracula taking a step towards him.
"Well, er, I believe in a great oneness. You know. Like we're all on a musical journey. Er. Will that do?"
"No it won't do," said Dracula grinning.
Mike gingerly laid the crucifix on the snooker table.
With Dracula eyeing him quizzically, he picked up a snooker cue and broke it over his knee.
"A snooker cue?" said Dracula.
"A wooden stake," enunciated Mike confidently.
"A focquing snooker cue," repeated Dracula almost to himself, before adding with a touch of bitterness: "My focquing snooker cue."
It was Mike's turn to step forward.
He brandished his snooker cue.
"I banish thee Dracula to endless darkness," he roared.
"Again with the roaring?" queried Dracula leerily.
"It's not really the sort of thing you can say in a conversational voice," countered Mike.
"You know the snooker cue has to go through my heart?" said Dracula.
"You what?" said Mike.
"It has to go through my heart to kill me," explained Dracula.
"Ah for f--k's sake," said Mike.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

an open letter to television magician david blaine

Dear David.
The levitation.
It had to be trick photography.
Okay, okay.
Micro mesh cables doing the lifting suspended from other effectively invisible micro mesh cables.
Okay, okay.
Repelling electric magnets in your shoes reacting against metal in the pavement.
Okay, okay.
If it's something else, you should know that getting on TV (or getting a mention on the Heelers Diaries) is not worth your immortal soul.
Seriously though.
James Healy

Copies to: Rihanna Baines, Lady Gaga and Madonna Ciccone.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

our coming attractions

Extract from my forthcoming play.


Curtain rises on Holmes' rooms at 22B Baker Street. The furnishings, muted lighting and decor give a gentle suggestion of the Victorian period. There is clutter but it is indupitably interesting clutter. A window opens on the street. Holmes and Watson are seated in armchairs. From outside comes the sound of a horse clip clopping over cobbles.

Holmes: Hark Watson. If I'm not mistaken our next case approaches. Outside our door a man is dismounting from his horse. He is a small man, sallow skinned, and silver haired, with an exceptionally long grey beard. Conservatively dressed in the style of about the late 1870's. He has a hump and only one leg. He lost his other leg in the Crimea. He speaks good English but with a marked German accent. His concerns at this moment run chiefly to the whereabouts of a certain missing diplomatic treaty. But ah. He is here. The game is afoot.

(There is a knock on the door. Watson gets up and opens it. A girl enters carrying two cocoanut halves with which she has been making clip clop sounds. She is tall, angular, sensual, with a mane of lustrous dark hair, short leather skirt, sensational legs, etc etc. Particularly etc etc.)

Girl: (In Cockney accent.) Is this Baker Street? I'm lookin for a loaf of bread.

Holmes: (Fascinated) Are you from... Germany?

Girl: No... Luton airport.

Watson: Astonishing Holmes. Wrong on every count.

Holmes: F*** up Watson.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

at swim two koreans

Two Korean girls of my acquaintance enter stage left and approach my table in the Starbucks cafe on Dawson Street.
"Hi James," they call.
I had seen them enter but had hidden from them by holding my copy of Love One Another magazine over my face.
"How did you know it was me?" I enquire, lowering the magazine.
"We could see your belly," chorus the Koreans.
I do think that was mean.

tilting at liberals

archbishop diarmuid martin is in slavery
to a habit obscene and unsavoury
with maniacal howls
he deflowers young owls
which he keeps in an underground aviary