The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Friday, January 13, 2017

dung dung dung dung dung dung dung ner nerdle nerdle ner

George O'Dowd singing on the sexevision.
Not a big fan.
But this song has something.
George sings:

"I know all there is to know
about the Crying Game's plot
Ner nerdle nerdle ner
Teenagers might think it's boldly transgressive
But really it's not
Ner nerdle nerdle ner
First there are kisses
Then a girl who's a man
Who's simultaneously dating
A British soldier
And an IRA man
Don't want no more
Dung dung
Don't want no more
Dung dung
Of the Crying Game
No don't want no more
Of the Crying Game
Nerdle nerdle ner
Dung dung dung dung dung dung dung
Nerdle nerdle nerrr
Someday soon
I'm gonna tell the moon
About the Crying Game
And if he likes it
Well maybe he's insane
Ner nerdle nerdle ner
Don't want no more
No no no
Of the Crying Game
No no
It's just another Neil Jordan film
And they're all the same
Nerdle nerdle nerrrr
Oh yes
I know all there is to know
About the Crying Game's plot
Dung dung dung dung dung
Nerdle nerdle ner
Conformist pseuds and trendies might think it's daring
But really it's just tommy rot
Nerdle nerdle ner
First there are kisses
Then the usual Neil Jordan pseudo radical gender bending
Which if you seen his other films
Or read any of his books
Is basically unending
Don't want no more
Oh no no no
Of the Crying Game
Don't want no more
Of the Crying Game
First there's Stephen Rea's over acting
Then a surprise phallus rather prominently projected into the camera shot
Which if like James Healy you've ever actually worked in a film as an extra with Stephen Rea
I think you'll agree
He deserved what he got
Don't want no more
No no no
Of the Crying Game"

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

ye beste olde hal roche jokee

A homeless guy goes into the Apollo house shelter in Dublin which is run by the Home Sweet Home activist group.
"I'll have a room for the night," says the homeless guy.
"I'm sorry sir," says the desk clerk, "we don't do rooms here."
"Okay," says the homeless guy, "can I get some soup from your soup kitchen?"
"I'm sorry sir," says the desk clerk, "we don't do soup here."
"Alright, then can I at least wash myself in the bathroom?" says the homeless guy.
"I'm sorry sir," says the desk clerk, "we don't do washing here."
"Well what do you do?" asks the homeless guy.
"We're fronting for the IRA," says the desk clerk.
And the homeless guys says: "Oh."

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

to what serves mortal beauty

Me and the ghost of Thomas Hardy sitting in the Caffe Nero near Dublin's Stephen's Green.
We are contemplating the beautiful manageress.
"Ah Thomas she has more power than your dreams," quoth I.
"Go over and talk to her," sez he.
"What would I say?" quoth I.
"Tell her what's on your mind," sez he.
"Modern girls don't appreciate being told they're rides," I demur.

nobody shouted rah

At a press conference today Mr Brendan Ogle announced that the Irish government had caved in to his lobbying efforts and would create two new homelessness shelters in Dublin.
Brendan Ogle heads up an activist group which purports to campaign on behalf of homeless people.
The group is cutesily styled Home Sweet Home, a title belying the somewhat sinister full time mob connections of many of its members.
Brendan Ogle and his fellow activists recently seized control of a building in Dublin and began using it as a shelter for homeless people.
He noted today that the campaign had not been expensive as he wasn't paying rent for the building he seized.
The assembled journalists and lackeys at the press conference laughed appreciatively at his attempted witticism.
And nobody shouted Rah.
It has been suggested by some of us that Brendan Ogle of the IRA is an IRA associate of the drug dealing IRA mobsters who run the Irish trade union movement on behalf of the IRA.
Incidentally the IRA causes most of the homelessness in Ireland by hooking citizens on its drugs in order to keep them in penury for life scraping whatever money they can get together to pay the IRA for drug poisons that are killing them so that IRA skang gangs can drive around in free Audis and BMW's.
I mean I don't want to go casting no aspoyshuns.
The IRA has also infiltrated two left wing political parties in Ireland, ie the People Before Profit group and the Anti Austerity Alliance.
An Irish parliamentarian who is part of those left wing groups, one Gino Kenny, (two Gino Kenny's would have been ridiculous) has introduced legislation in parliament to legalise what he calls medicinal marijuana.
Gino Kenny's legislation is an IRA gambit to turn dirty drug money into clean money.
The IRA mafia is supplying the drug poisons which cause homelessness.
The IRA is setting up homelessness charities through Brendan Ogle.
And the IRA is using Gino Kenny to move Ireland into a situation where drug dealing will be legal.