The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Saturday, March 07, 2009


eyre square in april
wind stirred the leaves
and school girls peddling

i think i like mark
i'm really fond of gary
meet me at the warwick
don't tell mary

trivial things are rare
than all the myths of yesteryear
and if i stood here ages hence
the talk would be no different

Friday, March 06, 2009

catcher in the wryness

Miss Hungary was telling me about Hungary.
"We're all mad about water polo," she said. "Our national water polo team nearly always wins a gold at the Olympics. It's a source of great pride to us because it's the only time we get a chance to show ourselves to the world. Hungarians play water polo to win."
The Aroma Cafe hummed around us.
I tried to look wise and interested at the same time.
"Water polo," I mused, "I'm not really familiar with it. How do the horses move about in the water? How do you swing the mallets?"
Miss Hungary favoured me with a brief searching Hungarian look just to be sure I wasn't joking.
Then she laughed.
And laughed.
And laughed again.
As love struck waifs go, I think we can safely say, she was fairly dazzled.

Thursday, March 05, 2009


First day at the orphanage.
Found abandoned in the streets of Meki, Ethiopia, last week.
Photo sent to me by Mar Diaz of Meki Orphanage.

from our sports desk

The price of a share in the Johnston Press on the British stock exchange this morning is 5.78 pennies.








an open letter to michael grade head of the independent television network in great britain

Dear Michael Grade.
ITV has just announced it is laying off 600 people from their jobs.
Your company has released a press statement assuring the public that programme quality will not suffer.
Here is the news.
No one cares about the quality of your programming.
No one has cared about the quality of your programming for thirty years.
Your programmes are dross.
We don't look to television for any standard of quality.
It's not there.
What people care about is the 600 members of staff you are off loading in the mistaken belief that dumping staff is the way to deal with a recession.
Dumping staff is blinkered 1980's style cretinism Michael Grade.
If everyone gets dumped there ain't gonna be no one to watch TV.
Because we'll all be fighting the last great civil war.
This is what you need to do Michael Grade.
Rescind the order to dump 600 members of staff at ITV.
Announce that no one is going to be fired as long as you're in charge.
Get mad Michael Grade.
Have a Christian conversion.
You'll enjoy it.
It's fun being on the side of the forces of good instead of the forces of darkness.
Say you're going to trade your way out of the recession.
Say you'll take a pay cut to zero.
Say everyone else at ITV will work for a tenner a week if need be.
But no one will be fired.
Let's start to beat this thing Michael Grade.
All it takes is a little vision.
Thank you for your time.
James Healy.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

jihad a go go

The United Nations has issued an order restricting the movements of Ibrahim Boyasseer an Al Qaeda leader based in Ireland.
Ibrahim Boyasseer is a high ranking agent of Osama Bin Laden.
Ibrahim Boyasseer's senior role in Al Qaeda has not prevented Ibrahim Boyasseer from getting and retaining an Irish passport.
Let me be clear.
According to the Irish Independent, Ibrahim Boyasseer has had an Irish passport for 18 years.
His terrorist activities have been internationally well known and documented since before Nine Eleven.
Yes, even though Ibrahim Boyasseer is a Libyan terrorist thug, known to a range of Intelligence agencies including those of the United Nations, the United States, Interpol, and the Philippines, for some incredible reason Ireland's kleptocratic Fianna Fail government has furnished him with an Irish passport and let him keep it in spite of repeated warnings from those same international security services, to wit that Ibrahim Boyasseer is Muslim terrorist scum.
One wonders why this fine fellow was ever accorded the benefits and privileges of Irish citizenship in the first place.
Specifically one wonders did Ibrahim Boyasseer make any million dollar donations to former Irish Prime Minister Albert Reynolds' pet food factory or to any other Fianna Fail politicians or to any other Fianna Fail linked businesses.
One also wonders did Ibrahim Boyasseer make any million dollar donations to Irish judges.
Most precisely one wonders how many Irish politicians and Irish judges overall have received million dollar donations from Arab terrorists.
I think we should be told.
I refer to the possibility of financial inducements being offered by Arabs to Fianna Fail politicians because of one famous case where an Arab "businessman" who obtained an Irish passport twenty years ago, did indeed do so by going the Albert Reynolds route.
That is to say he donated a million dollars to Albert Reynolds' pet food factory.
Remember folks, this was when a million dollars was a lot of money.
Though not really enough for most of us to sell out our country.
Still Fianna Fail is a different country.
They do things differently there.
Although it's Ireland that pays.
Albert Reynolds claims that he as Prime Minister was not aware that the Arab, to whom his government was giving an Irish passport, had made a million dollar donation to Albert Reynolds' pet food factory.
I kid you not.
You couldn't make it up.
Back to the present day.
So the United Nations has woken up briefly from its anti American stupor.
And the United Nations has instructed Ireland to seize the assets of yet another Arab terrorist with an Irish passport, Ibrahim Boyasseer.
And the United Nations has instructed Ireland to prevent Ibrahim Boyasseer from travelling on his Irish passport.
Nice of them.
Eight years after Nine Eleven.
They finally got around to it.
The rest of us have had to take our chances on meeting Ibrahim Boyasseer in the streets of Dublin and hoping he was in a good mood that day.
Warnings to the Irish public about his nefarious activities have flowed solely from international sources.
Our domestic security agencies don't like to worry us with such trifles.
In 2004 the United States security services identified Irish passport holding Ibrahim Boyasseer as an Al Qaeda chief.
The Filipinos and their security agencies got excited about him around 2005.
Last year Interpol issued a warrant for his arrest.
Now the United Nations has weighed in.
And he still has an Irish passport.
Clearly someone in our kleptocratic Fianna Fail government and others in our treasonous legal establishment, clearly I say, these guys are letting the side down.
But not Ibrahim Boyasseer's side.
Think about it.
During Ibrahim Boyasseer's days of freedom wandering around the Irish Republic, the rest of us have been meeting Ibrahim Boyasseer and his henchmen on Grafton Street and Abbey Street and O'Connell Street, and just hoping today wasn't the day they were planning any mass murders.
The Irish Independent describes Ibrahim Boyasseer as a Muslim businessman.
Well, I suppose mass murder is a kind of business.
And a United Nations order has gone out for the seizure of his assets.
What do you think folks?
Does Ibrahim Boyasseer have much in terms of assets?
Well, I've heard you can put aside a tidy bundle on social welfare.
That's right.
This Muslim businessman lives in a leaf fringed South Dublin suburb at the pleasure of the Irish tax payer.
I mean he survives on social welfare.
Ibrahim Boyasseer who has never contributed anything to Ireland lives off social welfare.
Doesn't do to get too worked up about these things.
Let me see.
Gotta stay calm.
I worked and paid taxes to the Irish government for 20 years.
I spent a decade of my working life at the Leinster Leader newspaper.
At the end of this time, I was fired by a British company called the Johnston Press which had recently taken over the Leinster Leader newspaper, and had run it (into the ground) for one year.
Interestingly enough I then found myself barred from collecting the unemployment assistance I was entitled to.
I was entitled to unemployment assistance from the Irish government because I had paid unemployment assistance social insurance for twenty years.
I found myself, I really did, I found myself unable to collect any unemployment assistance at all because someone in the Newbridge Social Welfare Office devised a bureaucratic pretext to cut off my entitlement.
The Dublin Social Welfare Office refused to review the decision of the Newbridge Social Welfare Office because they said it hadn't been a formal decision.
Fianna Fail Minister of State Sean Power told me: "Blah, blah, f--king useless incompetent overpaid Fianna Fail blah."
I never got my money.
Ya gorra larf.
Still as long as they're looking after Libyan terrorists what have the rest of us got to worry about.
They don't cut off Ibrahim Boyasseer's entitlement do they!
Because Social Welfare Offices of the Republic of Ireland are afraid of Ibrahim Boyasseer.
Or worse.
Like our kleptocratic Fianna Fail government.
They're in his pocket.
If you meet Ibrahim Boyasseer down the boozer, by the way, you should be aware that he sometimes uses an alias, to wit Abu Al Banaan. He also sometimes spells his last name Bouisir or Buisir or if he's feeling a tad exotic, Buwisir. When he's really bored he uses his Daddy's name Abdul Salam Boyasseer, or even his Grand Daddy's, Mohamed Boyasseer.
Let me put it this way gentle friends.
You should not play darts with anyone sporting any permutation of these names.
Nor should you carry any clocks for him on to aeroplanes.
Hoo boy.
Boyasseer, Buwisir, Banan, indeed.
Names to conjure with.
In other news, Ireland's most visible exponents of Islamic power, the Black Jackets Muslim crime gang have undergone a cultural sea change. They haven't given up terrorism or drug dealing or extortion.
But they have changed their jackets.
Black Jackets members still patrol Grafton Street, Abbey Street, and O'Connell Street throughout the day.
They still meet in the Kylemore cafe on O'Connell Street sitting at tables in the front window which they use as their city centre office.
They still work for security firms in the Stephens Green Centre, the Ilac Centre, Arnotts et al.
They're still waitering in the Westbury Hotel, Bewleys Cafe, Mao's Restaurant et al.
They're still prevalent as sign holders on Grafton Street.
They're still there.
Only their favoured item of clothing has changed.
For some arcane reason, the Black Jackets no longer wear black jackets.
Instead they wear a variety of multi hued coats, wind sheeters, anoraks and what have you.
One of em even wears a little red jacket.
We shall call him little red riding hood.
So the Black Jackets have put their black jackets in moth balls.
It's most strange.
The Norwegian leather industry must have gone into terminal decline since these Islamic terrorist low life stopped wearing leather.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009


(our weekly chess puzzle)

Count Vladimir Pochuchyev versus Sheikh Hassan Bin Mohammed.
Stockholm 1993.
Black is attacking in strength and White needs to come up with something good. The initiative will swing to his opponent if he doesn't find an aggressive countering move. White, to move, eventually found an unorthodox way to unsettle the Syrian grandmaster. Can you see what he came up with?
Solution: Count Pochuchyev leapt out of his seat, punched Sheikh Hassan in the face, then gave him a root in the bawls as he was going down.

Monday, March 02, 2009

fortunes of war

mid the carnage of the crimea
a heathenish warrior confronted me
swung a bloodied sword
bellowed like a demon
my courage failed within
my lips begged forgive
the heathen dropped his sword
and cried

by the last trees of Pachendaele
a nobleman pressed a gun
to the cornice of my brow
he had known
the gentle love of woman
friendship from on high
but though i pleaded for my breath
he shouted

Sunday, March 01, 2009

flowers of india

Photograph by Divyavibha Sharma.