The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Saturday, August 10, 2013

the inscrutable east

Strolling in the park with Miss Korea at evening.
Urban youth loll scarily on the grass.
There are a lot of them.
All leather, and cleavage, and hot pants, and high heels, and black tights.
And that was just the guys.
I shudder as we pass.
"Don't judge them," orders Miss Korea, noticing my abject terror.
"Am I allowed to judge them if they kill me?" I hiss with a hint of desperation.
"Never judge a book by the cover," clich├ęs Miss Korea.
"Even if the cover of the book shows me being mercilessly slaughtered?" I venture.
"Just remember that Shakespeare quote about courage that you told me," muses Miss Korea.
The cheeky baggage.
I know the one she means.
"A coward dies many times before his death," I recite, "the valiant never taste of death but once. I gotta tell ya my little hibiscus blossom, Shakespeare was wrong. The valiant are tasting of death all the time. In the most meaningful way, ie by getting killed. And I bet before they get killed they've said to themselves a hundred times: How did I get myself into this situation? Why do I keep getting myself into this sort of situation? It's Shakespeare's fault. Him and his 'the valiant never taste of death but once.' What a load of old cobblers. If I ever meet him I'm gonna give him a root in the bawls." 
Ah it was a howl bold readers.
At least I wanted to howl but I was afraid I might upset the youths.
They who are the future of Ireland.
Truly our country is royally screwed.

Tuesday, August 06, 2013

are you a googlebot or a jihadi

Take this fun Heelers Diaries quiz and find out.

1. When you read the Heelers Diaries do you immediately...
(a) Get a warm fuzzy feeling and want to photocopy everything electronically for the edification in perpetuity of all at the Google Corporation?
(b) Get a warm fuzzy feeling and want to blow up the world?

If you answered...
Mostly a's: You're a Googlebot.
Mostly b's: You're a Jihadi.
No, wait. It's the other way around.

(What's a Googlebot? - Ed note)
(I've no idea. - Heelers note)
(What's a Jihadi? - Barack Obama note)
(Sigh. - Heelers note)