The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Friday, December 12, 2014

how the mafia got its groove back

The new White Water Centre had just opened in Ireland.
Everyone was excited.
A huge commercial shopping development creating jobs and business activity right here in the heartland.
Only the mafia was upset.
For management at the White Water Centre were young and naive.
And management at the White Water Centre were refusing to bow to mafia extortion threats.
It was all very upsetting.
For the mafia.
Didn't the White Water Management realise that the mafia run all large scale business operations in Ireland?
How on earth could they be convinced?
So the mafia began phoning in bomb threats to the White Water Centre.
All through the Summer.
And every time a bomb threat was received,  the Centre had to be evacuated.
So management gave in to the mafia.
The Rah got its extortion money. (Protection money they call it.)
Chinese Triads got the contract to clean the toilets via the Yu Dong Refrigeration company Ltd.
Eastern European gangs were given control of security.
Al Qaeda (ie Muslim drug gangs) were allowed to run the concession stands in the corridors. (They were selling ten foot tall wall lamps of the twin towers up until recently.)
And that is how the mafia got its groove back.

rah week at the heelers diaries

For the past seven days we've been celebrating Rah Week at the Heelers Diaries.
We've shared some larfs.
Changed the world a bit.
We even brought Brian Byrne into it once or twice.
But you know folks.
All I've got a is a clapped out arse of a Dell computer.
Three modems and the truth.
All I've got is a clapped out arse of a Dell computer.
The rest is up to you.

have devil worshippers murdering children in ireland avoided detection by using the terrorist rackateering IRA's rat line of infiltrators in the media, judiciary and police, to escape justice


heelers conquers brian byrne

Wandering up the stairs in the Tearman cafe.
Who do I espy at the top of the stairs but the famous Irish broadcaster, writer, poet, Brian Byrne sitting at his favourite table.
What to do.
I've inadvertently caught his eye.
My instinct is to look down and hurry past.
But the stairs is long.
I can't look down now.
He's seen me and is glaring most glaringly.
I've got to just brazen it out.
I walk towards him holding the gaze.
His faces is flushed. The eyes are bulging a bit. He seems to be labouring under the weight of a great pression.
I draw level with him.
It is not Brian Byrne at all.
It is a local gangland rah man skank whom I would not wish to stare down in my wildest dreams.
The gang banger is trembling as I pass.
So the f--k am I.

ooh ahhh up the national lottery

Mid the brouhaha that has been drummed up this week over the terrorist rackateering IRA's infiltration of the judiciary, police, media, civil service and trade union movement in Ireland (You drummed it up Heelers - Ed note) perhaps we should spare a thought for another institution of Irish public life which appears to have suffered a modest Rah infiltration.
I refer of course to the national lottery.
The Americans ran into problems with mafiosi infiltrating, and sometimes running, their lottery systems.
The Brits, notably Sir Richard Branson, have claimed that mafia groups were involved in tendering and running some of Britain's lotteries.
Is Ireland any different when it comes to mafia scum stealing from the citizenry?
I think not.
The Rah don't rig the Lottery every week.
Just now and again.
Three cases folks among many.
1. A Limerick gangland family won a hundred million dollars in the Euro millions lottery.
2. A Rah man collected 2.5 million Euro in the National Lottery.
3. There is a third generic method by which my sources suggest the Rah may obtain the occasional Lotto win. Let's speak theoretically to avoid breaking the libel laws. Let us state that the case I am about to outline is fictional but illustrates a potential IRA methodology for rigging the Irish National Lottery. Here's what happens. A couple, whose near relative died in a fictional gangland shooting, ie his fictional gangland pals fictionally shot him on his fictional doorstep in my f--king fictional town, claim to have purchased the winning ticket in the lottery. The couple take a court case against the actual holders of the ticket who have no idea what numbers they picked and believe it is possible they were given someone else's ticket. Out of pure decency, the innocent people who actually hold the winning ticket agree to give the claimant couple half the two million Euro prize. Could such eventualities be orchestrated by unscrupulous Rah men? All that is necessary for this gangland scam to be workable, is for the couple making the claim to have an accomplice on the staff of the shop selling lottery tickets. That's the sole capital investment they have to make, aside from buying the odd lottery ticket. As soon as a big win comes out of that shop, they can claim to have been given the wrong ticket. Their accomplice on the staff can say: "Oh yeah I did give them to wrong ticket.I remember it all so clearly. I recall their exact numbers, and handing them the wrong ticket, and giving their very ticket to the people who won. I remember it all.. What can have come over me." And if the nice people who'd actually won the Lottery are nice enough, they might even divvy up half the prize right there and then without the need for the gangland couple to perjure themselves in court. And if they do go to court, why with all the judges on the Rah payroll, they might even win there.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

ooh ahh up the trade union movement

Ireland's current unfolding scandal regarding the terrorist rackateering IRA's infiltration of the judiciary, media, civil service and trade union movement has led me to propose some decisive solutions to the nation threatening imbroglio.
I suggested here that in answer to the IRA's now known hijacking of the television station RTE we should simply use an election process to appoint the board of management at RTE.
I suggested a similar remedy for the IRA's hijacking of judges and courtrooms.
Let the people elect their judges. Make em directly accountable. Let's see the Rah infiltrate that one.
Which brings us to those loveable goons (literally) of the trade union movement.
The trade unions have completely been Rah run for at least three decades.
It is interesting to see trade unionist Brendan Ogle organising opposition to water charges in Ireland.
Mr Ogle is not a Rah man.
He is a member of a splinter group from the Rah.
The Rah was too moderate for him.
Be assured the Rah and Mr Ogle's splinter group collaborated regularly in killing people.
The Rah and its splinter groups are like Al Qaeda and its splinter groups in that regard.
Killing innocents is a great way to bury your differences.
Before organising the peassssssants revolution against paying for water, Mr Ogle organised the wooooooooorkers revolution for the trade union in the perennially strike bound perennially bankrupt CIE railway company. A little bit more recently he organised the trade union for the most overpaid workers in Europe, that is the Irish electricity company workers.
Mr Ogle's moral scruples about peasants paying for water, (He means Irish peasants. He fully expects German peasants to continue to pay our water bills for us) did not at that earlier stage, lead him to any scruple about facilitating IRA mafia rackateers in overcharging Irish citizens to switch on a light bulb.
But I digress.
In seeking to deal with the Rah hijacking of Irish trade unions, I suggest that we look to America.
Our solution to the hijacking by IRA rackateers of the teachers, nurses, transport, civil service and electrical trade unions, should be the same solution the Americans adopted when the Italian mafia's hijacking of American trade unions was uncovered.
We need to proscribe through law all rackateering IRA activity within the trade union movement.
We need to hold grand jury investigations whenever IRA infiltrations of the trade unions are uncovered as has happened this week.
The Americans called these measures the Rico Laws.
It could work here.
I would also humbly suggest to nurses, teachers, bus drivers and civil servants, all you nice middle of the road people, maybe you should stop appointing murderers to extort your ridiculous pay claims from our bankrupt (morally and financially) government.
No more Rah men.
No more mafias.
No more Al Qaedas.
Listen folks.
We cannot be sure of victory.
But let us begin.

confucius he say

Why does Starbucks Dublin insist as part of corporate policy that its staff ask every customer his or her name in order to seem friendly, instead of just hiring friendly staff?

Tuesday, December 09, 2014

ooh ahhh up the RTE authority

Amid all the brouhaha in Ireland this week regarding the IRA's infiltration since the 1960's of the Judiciary, trade union movement, police and media, there has been a strange absence of comment re one of the Rah's more salient hijacking's of a public institution.
That is to say the hijacking in plain sight of the national State funded monopoly television and radio broadcaster RTE.
RTE has been a Rah run operation for five decades.
Rah men and women sit on the shadowy authority which runs RTE.
Rah men and women have traditionally walked into production jobs and journalism jobs at RTE apparently through the novel interview technique of singing: "Ooohhh aahhhh, up the Rah."
That's in the rare instances where they were required to sit for interviews.
Sunday Independent writer Eoin Harris (no friend of mine) has noted in his column recently after reading this blog that many of the Rah men he knew as a Rah man himself at College in the 1960's got jobs in RTE.
He added that he had never heard of any of them renouncing the Rah.
Former head of journalism at RTE Charlie Bird, a lifelong Rahman with no journalistic qualification beyond his inside access to what the Rah wanted him to say about America, Israel and the Catholic Church, Charlie Bird, I say, knows all about it.
And what can be done, m'dear henny pennies?
Well how about this.
Why not elect the shadowy board of governors who run RTE?
Universal suffrage would be the way to go.
They've been making us all suffer their woeful IRA propaganda for fifty years.
So why not make them accountable to the citizenry for a change?
And if the Rah can win an election, f--king let the Rah have RTE.
And if they can't, let the f--king Rah f--k off with themselves back to the bog holes where they hide the bodies of the people they have tortured and killed over the past fifty years?

Footnote: We should seriously consider electing our Judiciary also. For the same reason.

no truth in the rumour

NO truth in the rumour that the Audi motor company is to change its motto to Vorsprung Durch Drug Scum because drug scum are the only people driving Audis. No hang on. That is true.

Sunday, December 07, 2014

the beast must giggle

The noble Heelers quaffing tea in the mid afternoon.
Around me the Tearman cafe teems with life.
The door jingles.
And lo!
Writer, broadcaster, poet Brian Byrne enters with the fresh whiff of his latest award for Saving White Rhinos or Community Service or some such thing lingering on the breeze.
I gotta tell ya.
These awards are meaningless folks.
They give em to anybody.
Well nearly anybody.
I groan inwardly as the Great Byrne approaches.
I bear him a grudge you see.
He's always outing me in print for some purely notional wrongdoing or other.
You'd think I'd be small game for the man who saved the white rhino.
(Served the community - Ed note)
Why doesn't he go after the ephin IRA or some of the drug dealers living on Main Street?
But no.
I can't so much as fart in mixed company without a passionate expose of my crimes immediately appearing on his witteringly inane excrescence of a blog.
And now.
Now this galoot is going to want to talk to me just to show the world that in spite of my propensity for resentment, my unforgiving vengefulness and my perpetual ill will (towards him), he's the better man.
Why do you test me oh Lord!
My mind races.
Maybe I should just cut him dead.
I should here explain to my Jihadi and mafia readers that for most of us in Ireland cutting someone dead traditionally means simply not speaking to them.
That's the sense in which I am using the phrase vis a vis my cafe guest.
So right.
If he says anything, I'll remain in a pool of beatific superior stillness.
Not a word will pass my lips.
Quoth the Heelers nothing at all, as Edgar Allen Poe might put it.
Or would that be too obvious?
I mean I can't keep using the silent routine every time.
My fans will start to think I'm becoming too predictable.
Never mind the Jihadis and the mafia.
Even Edgar Allen Poe might be a tad disappointed.
The Great Byrne draws nigher.
There are three empty seats at my table.
Great Scott what if he joins me!
No he's passed and is sitting nearby.
But we're not safe yet.
They always want to talk to me.
Lesser writers I mean.
Oh the ineveitability of it.
Chintzy chintzy cheeriness.
Half dead and half alive.
Okay, as soon as he says something, I'll indicate the three empty chairs and proclaim: "Brian I'm here with Edgar Allen Poe, Thomas Hardy and Alfred Lord Tennyson. I can't talk to you at the moment."
Then if he persists I'll positively snarl like Basil Fawlty in the Lord Melbury episode: "I'm talking to Lord Tennyson."
That would be good.
The minutes tick by.
Slowly realisation dawns.
Well I'll be.
He is not in fact going to talk to me.
When he leaves, as he eventually does, I sit there a wiser, weaker man.
I am too abstacted to even notice Franziska the Kraut sexor waitress refilling my tea cup with coffee.
Ah Franziska du bist schon, ich liebe dich und ich wunsche ihn viel spass heute abend.
But that thought comes to me later.
I tell you at this moment I don't even notice the fair Franziska.
I am thinking only of the writer, broadcaster, poet Brian Byrne.
Not talking to me.
The cheeky little shite.
I wonder what I did on him.

no truth in the rumour

NO truth in the rumour that Sony Corporation hacked into its own computers to drum up advance word of mouth at Christmas for multi million dollar movies no one is interested in, and then used the thoroughly disinterested North Koreans as a backdrop to spice up the scam. Oh wait. That is true.

who killed cock robin

(or who hacked into the mainframe computer at sony corporation to steal movies no one is interested in?)

not i said the jihadi
even though i'm a baddy
i didn't do it with my little axe
not enough blood you see
and i prefer completely different sorts of attacks

not i said kim jong un
president of the north koreans
munching down his be-ans
we've never even heard of sony corp
and most of us haven't used a computer before
know what i me-ans

it was me said sanjio takamura
chief executive of sony
i hacked our computura
with my fingers bony
to drum up prepublicity
for our worthless multi million dollar movies
that no one was talking about
i guess that makes us a liddle bit phony
over here at sony