The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

My Photo
Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

the handshakes

There is a tradition at Irish funerals, where mourners file past the front pew in church, shaking hands with family members of the deceased.
At my mother's funeral, you can imagine the poignant expression on my face as the Chief Executive of Allied Irish Banks hove into view and clasped my hand.
I glanced sideways at my brother Doctor Barn who did not seem immune to the irony of the situation.
Next up was government Minister Sean Power.
I had written most unfairly about Sean Power on this website.
My expression as I shook his hand bore equal traces of guilt and sheepishness.
Another sideways glance revealed Doctor Barn's bemusement had not lessened.
Hard on the heels of Minister Power came Councillor Fionnuala Dukes  who is a leading figure in Ireland's main opposition political party.
I have never written or said a bad word about Mrs Dukes.
I may inadvertently have called her husband a philandering anti Catholic thieving bar steward.
But only once or twice.
In Kilcullen church Mrs Dukes favoured me with a hug.
I turned to Doctor Barn.
"This funeral is starting to read like a Who's Who of people I've dissed on my blog," I hissed. "I mean, who next? Osama Bin Laden?"

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

five keys to beating the recession

1. Donegan's Electrical in Naas. There are two Donegans shops in Naas run by different members of the same family. Both are conducted with an old worldly excellence of courtesy and service.
2. The prayer garden and the Adoration chapel at Saint Conleth's church in Newbridge
3. Bradbury's Athy three Euro special. You can get a sandwich and a pot of tea for three Euro in the afternoon. The tea pot fills three cups of tea. Bradburys cups are mug size. My cup runneth over. I kid you not.
4. There's 50 minutes free internet access available five days a week at County Kildare's libraries. Never mind the overpaid hatchets. Just use the computers.
5. The breakfast at An Coulan cafe in Kilcullen. Tender is the rashers.
6. Daily mass at 5.45 pm with the Dominicans in Newbridge.
7. The Flash Gordon theme tune from the 1981 film with Freddie Mercury on vocals.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

budweiser psycho killer beats the rap

An American Judge Liberal has just accorded the right to silence to yet another murder suspect. This time the suspect happens to be the billionaire heir to the Anheuser Busch Budweiser company who for the second time in his life has been found with a dead girl in his possession. Little Buddy Budweiser has now gotten away with murder twice using this generously accorded purely notional right to silence. Here is the news. There is no right to silence for billionaires who habitually murder girls. We have really got to put a stop to Judge Liberal.