The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Saturday, April 14, 2012

the monica leech laugh in

Monica Leech, Donal Kinsella and James Healy walk into a bar.
The bar man is Judge Eamon DeValera.
"What'll it be, Gents?" says Judge DeValera all jovial bonhomie.
"Well," sez Monica Leech, "I feel Independent Newspapers libelled me when they attempted to report on the circumstances in which I received government contracts to design internet sites. I felt their attempts at reportage implied I was having a sexual laision with a government Minister."
"Okay," says Judge DeValera. "I'll award you two million dollars in damages for that. Is that enough?"
"It'll do for now," replies Monica coolly.
"How about you?" Judge DeValera directs his question to Donal Kinsella.
"Well," says Donal Kinsella, "I was overseas at my company's annual conference and I tried to gain entry to a female employee of my company's bedroom three times in one night while stark buck naked and having earlier in the day suggested she might like to have sex with me. I felt libelled when my company released a damage limitation press release which implied I'd done something wrong."
"Will ten  million be enough?" muses Judge DeValera.
"That will do nicely, Sir," says Donal Kinsella in a voice like the man from the old American Express ad.
"And yourself?" says Judge DeValera turning to James Healy.
"Well," says James Healy, "it's about an Independent Newspapers journalist called Paedophile Ian O'Doherty, so called because he once falsely maliciously and malignly claimed in the Irish Independent that the Catholic Church is itself a paedophile ring. A few weeks ago Paedophile Ian O'Doherty attempted to identify me to his readers in his column which is supposedly read by a million people a day. In his column, he falsely maliciously and malignly claimed that I was an anonymous blogger, and then falsely maliciously and malignly likened my writings to those of racists and other propagators of hate speech on the internet who are anonymous. In the same column he threatened me with what he called an interesting surprise."
"Anything else?" asked Judge DeValera grimly.
"Well," said James Healy, "yesterday someone purporting to be Paedophile Ian O'Doherty left a message on my voicemail threatening to, as he put it, take everything I have and break my fingers if I ever wrote about him again."
"Good Lord," breathed Judge DeValera. "Anything else?"
"Well," said James Healy, "a year ago on the morning of my mother's funeral, a similar message was left from someone purporting to be Paedophile Ian O'Doherty on my answering machine threatening to kill me."
"Do you think he knew your mother was being buried?" rapped Judge DeValera.
"I think he did," answered James Healy.
For a moment Judge DeValera was lost for words.
"Great Scott," he exclaimed finally. "Has Independent Newspapers completely lost the run of itself? Do they just hire any drug scruff looking for cash to finance his habit? I mean are they completely out of control? Do these young thugs think that because Independent Newspapers has been leading a forty year free for all against the Catholic Church, that they can now threaten individuals in their own homes with violence and death? I mean do they think the law has ceased to apply to staff at Independent Newspapers? And by staff I obviously mean staphilococcusses. I mean are these people crazy? What a shower of cosmic lowlife? I mean what is going on here?"
Overcome by emotion Judge DeValera stepped back from the counter and began wiping out his beer glasses.
For long moments you could hear him muttering to himself.
Oddly elegiac, curiously creative and impassioned phrases like: "Penile dements," "Bastorial drug scruff," and "Unutterble scumbags."
Chuck Norris who was also in the bar wandered over.
"Heelers," he said. "If Paedophile Ian O'Doherty so much as looks at you, I'll kick his bawls through the roof of his mouth. That's if he has any."
"He has a mouth alright, Chuck" replied Heelers. "He just doesn't have any bawls."

Friday, April 13, 2012

kenny watch

The anti Catholic publication styling itself the Irish Independent, which is hoping to survive by obtaining public money from anti Catholic Irish Prime Minister Enda Kenny to cover up its massive multiple hundred million dollar losses, today prints two full colour splash photos of the aforementioned anti Catholic Irish Prime Minister Enda Kenny.
Enda Kenny is a weak, vacuous, vacant, vapid, venal and vomitous hairstyle of a man whose anti Catholic Fine Gael political party has substantial connections to white collar criminals including, among others, billion dollar mobile phone services provision super thief Denis O'Brien, along with Denis O'Brien's former acolytic fixer in Fine Gael the uber corrupt one time Communications Minister Michael Lowry (one time was enough for Michael Lowry to give Denis O'Brien billion dollar mobile phone contracts free of charge), and of course the O'Reilly family themselves publishers of the anti Catholic Irish Independent.
One photo of Enda Kenny in today's anti Catholic Irish Independent is on the cover.
Another is on the letters page.
Just in case we forgot what he looks like.
All very newsworthy.
The rest of the anti Catholic Irish Independent's cover is filled with a puff piece spuriously claiming Irish Catholics oppose their own Church.
The spurious claims are based on a spurious survey by a spurious left wing rump group of priests styling themselves spuriously the Association of Catholic Priests, and claiming spuriously to have 800 spurious members.
The anti Catholic Irish Independent also finds room today to run a front and back cover article about a Spanish nun accused of trafficking babies.
Of course the anti Catholic Irish Independent is most famous for its columnist Paedophile Ian O'Doherty who several years ago falsely maliciously and malignly claimed in the newspaper that the Catholic Church is itself a paedophile ring.
Yesterday someone claiming to be Ian O'Doherty left a message on my answering machine threatening to break my fingers if I ever wrote anything about Paedophile Ian O'Doherty again.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

archie relaxes

Archbishop Diarmuid Martin is relaxing in front of the television with an unusually wary Papal Nuncio.
The Papal Nuncio as he sips his tea, has the manner and gait of a man who  suspects his drink has been poisoned.
Perhaps he does.
The two are watching a BBC rerun of the old Cold War spy thriller Smiley's People.
Like all BBC thrillers, the thing moves at a somnolent pace.
Archie is enjoying it though.
Every now and then he chuckles to himself as though at a secret joke.
Occasionally he exclaims out loud: "Oh no. No way."
Finally the Papal Nuncio is overcome with curiosity.
"Dear Mood," he says in his thick Italian accent, "Wassa so fonny? Ziss is more bor-r-ring than fonnnny."
Archie wipes his eyes.
"I gotta tell you Gaetano," he says when he's caught his breath, "espionage is nothing like the BBC portrays it. All this earnest wearisome melodrama. All this ponderous ham acting. It's so unreal. Spies are ordinary people. Just like you and me."

a satire on the bbc's ongoing attempts to incriminate president george w bush and prime minister tony blair

Even though President Bush and Prime Minister Blair are no longer in office, the British Broadcasting Corporation (referred to by British soldiers as the Baghdad Broadcasting Corporation on the eve of the Iraq liberation) continues to seek to discredit and criminalise both Mr Bush and Mr Blair and their successful interventions in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Yesterday I came across an interview on the BBC's 24 hour news channel in which a BBC commentator gleefully questioned a supposed Iraqi defector.
The defector claimed that he had been the source for much of Mr Bush and Mr Blair's Intelligence info on Saddam prior to the liberation.
The BBC man never subjected him to any probing questions about his own bona fides.
Everything was orgastically orchestrated to vitiate the reputations of the Bushwhacker and Mr Blair.
The interview went something like this.

Gavin Essler: "My guest is Islam Bin Mohammed. Mr Mohammed you were the source of much of the information in the dossier which was used to justify intervention in Iraq?"
Bin Mohammed: "I was."
Gavin: "You gave details about Saddam's chemical laboratories."
Bin Mohammed: "I made them up."
Gavin: "You said he had a biological weapons programme."
Bin Mohammed: "I made them up."
Gavin: "His atomic weapons programme?"
Bin Mohammed: "Made up."
Gavin: "His sponsorship of Al Qaeda affiliate Ansar Al Islam on Iraqi soil?"
Bin Mohammed: "I made it up."
Gavin: "His sponsorship of suicide bombers attacking Isreali civilians?"
Bin Mohammed: "I made that up."
Gavin: "His sponsorship of assassination missions against Western and Arab leaders?"
Bin Mohammed: "I made them up."
Gavin: "The eight year Iran Iraq war in which a million people died?"
Bin Mohammed: "I made that up."
Gavin: "The invasion of Kuwait in which hundreds of thousands of people died?"
Bin Mohammed: "I made that up."
Gavin: "Is there anything you didn't make up?"
Bin Mohammed: "Well I'm telling you the truth Gavin."

doctor barn's casebook

Afternoon coffee with Doctor Barn.
I've played him a recording of a voicemail which someone purporting to be Paedophile Ian O'Doherty (so called since he falsely maliciously and malignly claimed in the anti Catholic Irish Independent that the Catholic Church is itself a paedophile ring) has left on my mobile phone.
The person leaving the voicemail threatens to break "Every finger in my body."
Doctor Barn listens owlishly.
"Well," says he with a smile, "I wish he would break your fingers."
"Why?" sez me, face drawn and poignant.
"Because then you'd get cash out of him," chortles Dr Barn with more levity than I liked.
Why is it noble readers of the internet, that everyone I talk to about this, seems to find the prospect of me getting my fingers broken, even by a semi literate low brow drug scruff, so goddam funny?

mtv on the heelers diaries

Flicking through the channels on the Sexevision.
And lo!
MTV is playing Alannah Miles' classic homage to Elvis called Black Velvet.
The thing is a work of art.
Yet she has updated it.
Alannah Miles sings:

"Dublin city
In the middle of a dry spell
The Church being persecuted
By pseudo Judicial abortionist skanks
Marxian atheists
Hijacking the Irish government
The citizens being rackrented
To bail out idiot gangster banks
And when Ian O'Doherty sneers
That the Catholic Church is a a paedophile ring
He thinks he's unaccountable
That there's no law for him
Paedophile Ian O'Doherty
You can see his sneering smile
Paedophile Ian O'Doherty
Across the southern sky
A new religion
That'll bring Independent Newspapers to its knees
Paedophile Ian O'Doherty
If you please
Ner ner ner
Ner ner ner
Doodle dee doodle doo
Up in Independent House
The drugs are like a heatwave
Someone purporting to be Ian O'Doherty
Is leaving threats on my answering machine
He's already threatened me
In the pages of the newspaper
Classy guy
By which I mean worthless and obscene
And when he slanders us so cool
Oh me or you
He thinks there's no law for us
That we can't kick up a fuss
Paedophile Ian O'Doherty
You can see his sneering smile
Paedophile Ian O'Doherty
It fills the southern sky
A new religion
That'll bring Independent Newspapers to its knees
Paedophile Ian O'Doherty
If you ple-e-e-ase
Ner, ner ner
Ner ner ner
If you ple-e-e-e-ease
If you ple-e-e-e-e-e-ease"

Well gentle travellers of the internet.
Allanah Miles is a talented and individualistic singer, and I normally support her in everything she does.
But this time I can't help wishing she'd restricted herself to singing about Elvis, and not keep bringing lads into her songs who are threatening to break my fingers.

yet another scintillating letter to gavin o'reilly chief executive (operating) independent newspapers

Somebody purporting to be one your employees has left a message on my voicemail threatening to break my fingers.
Now you know I hold the O'Reilly family in scant regard.
I could never come to terms with your father's attempts to hijack the Fine Gael party.
Or with the rumours that the O'Reilly fortune was founded on the theft of secrets by your father from the Irish Food Company which he was then alleged to have parlayed into a career with HJ Heinz.
Nor was I too impressed a few years ago when a horse sponsored at the Olympics by your father was tested positive for dope, and afterwards the dope samples were stolen, one from a secure premises and another from a hijacked motorcycle courier.
But all this is neither here nor there.
I am normally too busy Mr O'Reilly, to concern myself with the doings of you or your ilk or your family's ilk.
Today on my voicemail, I received the following message:

"You f--king pr--k. You write one more thing about me, I am going to take everything you have. I am personally going to break every f--king finger in your f--king body."

You will be aware that one of your columnists Paedophile Ian O'Doherty last week attempted to identify me to his readers in your newspaper the anti Catholic Irish Independent.
You will be aware that I have styled him Paedophile Ian O'Doherty since the day he falsely maliciously and malignly claimed in the anti Catholic Irish Independent that the Catholic Church is itself a paedophile ring.
You will be aware that last week in your newspaper he falsely maliciously and malignly claimed that I am an anonymour blogger engaging in something he called "internet trolling."
In your newspaper he falsely maliciously and malignly attempted to liken my behaviour to that of an anonymour 21 year old man who had recently been imprisoned for writing anonymous racist comments about a heart attack victim.
In your newspaper Mr O'Reilly, he threatened me with an unspecified "surprise."
Do you really think that allowing your staffers to publish threatening messages against members of the public in your flagship title and then allowing them to leave personal threats of violence against those same members of the public on their voicemail machines, is somehow going to rebound to the credit of Independent Newspapers?
Naughty, naughty, very naughty.
James Healy
PS: The last time I got an anonymous voicemail from an individual purporting to be Paedophile Ian O'Doherty who believed his caller ID phone number had been disguised and who threatened to kill me, was on the morning of my mother's funeral. Classy, eh!

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

clash of the tittans

Today's edition of the bankrupt anti Catholic Irish Independent newspaper carried its first column by Paedophile Ian O'Doherty in ten days.
The column has been missing presumed dead for more than a week.
By the way Paedophile Ian O'Doherty is so called since his false malicious and malign assertion a few years ago in the pages of the anti Catholic Irish Independent wherein he falsely maliciously and malignly claimed that the Catholic Church is itself a paedophile ring.
Ten days ago he attacked me in his column for pointing out this history of casual incitement to hatred against the Catholic Church. His column supposedly has a million readers a day. My blog might have ten, if you exclude the Jihadis and the googlebots.
In his column Paedophile Ian O'Doherty falsely maliciously and malignly claimed I was an anonymous blogger.
He also printed sufficient information for his supposed one million readers a day to identify me.
He also threatened me with an unspecified "surprise."
Naughty, naughty, very naughty.
I responded on this blog with some good humoured quips of my own, wryly warning the owners of Independent Newspapers that there might be consequences for them should the Paedophile Ian O'Doherty attacks on me continue.
The horrendous O'Reilly family who own Independent Newspapers appear to have been somewhat unsettled by the use of their newspapers in a personal vendetta against me.
The Paedophile Ian O'Doherty column disappeared.
It was back today though.
And I didn't even get a mention.
Aw shucks.
Imagine my surprise this evening when flicking through the programmes on the Sexevision, I came across a new pop video with Elton John reprising his 1983 hit I'm Still Standing on MTV, complete with updated lyrics clearly referring to Paedophile Ian O'Doherty and his latest run in with greatness (ie me). Elton's new version of an old favourite pays fulsome homage to the return of Paedophile Ian O'Doherty's column to the anti Catholic Irish Independent.
Obviously Elton is a bit of a philistine because he nowhere mentions paedophiles.
Maybe he's afraid of getting sued.
Elton, dressed as Paedophile Ian O'Doherty sings most fulsomly:

"I'm still plagiarising better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor
Although still a tad bigoted
I'm still slandering the Catholic Church
Even though for a moment there
I thought I was in the lurch
I'm still standing
Yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing
Yeah yeah yeah
I must admit I was a bit taken aback
When Gavin O'Reilly threatened me with the sack
Demanding why I'd dared to attack
James Healy in his flagship title with a million readers a day-y-y
He told me never to mention James Healy again
Or he'd hack my bollocks off and feed em to the hens
Which would be very cruel to me
And also downright cruel to the poultry-y-y
But I'm still standing after all this time
Looking like a Carlow drug scruff
Smelling like putrescent slime
I'm still standing don't it make you glow
And if Independent Newspapers was just a circus
I'd be a clown by now
I'm still standing
Yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing
Yeah yeah yeah"

the moral equivalence of kofi annan


Kofi Annan: "I am calling on the Assad government to lay down their arms. I am also calling on the rebel opposition to lay down their arms. The rebels, including men, women and children, must immediately stop raising their arms and screaming when the Assad government psycho army is machine gunning them from the air with helicopter gunships. Lay down your arms indeed. The opposition must also stop opening fire with rifles on tanks which are shelling their towns, villages, shops and homes into the ground. My son Kojo, who formerly worked for Saddam Hussein, is very confident that my latest proposals will bring peace to Syria. I am giving the Syrian government another week before they must cease operations. So they can kill as many people as possible within the space of a week but after that if they continue the slaughter, as they have done for over a year now, I will be very very cross indeed. It's funny. I saved Robert Mugabe's dictatorship from the threat of democratisation in Zimbabwe last year and people still doubt my bona fides. We must avoid the perils of American intervention at all cost. Long live the Soviet Union. Death to the honkies. (Except the Russians.)"

Monday, April 09, 2012

an open letter to archbishop diarmuid martin

Hey Arch.
Just been reading John Koehler's book about Soviet spies infiltrating the Catholic Church after World War Two.
It's a spiffing read.
High octane stuff.
Apparently the Russians spent fifty years trying to infiltrate and subvert the Catholic Church throughout Europe.
My God, Archie.
It couldn't happen here, could it!
Do you think it's possible that the Russians spent the years from 1940 to 1988, inserting spies into Catholic Churches across Europe, and that for some arcane reason, they didn't bother with Ireland?
We know that the Russian KGB was running spies in the IRA, the Irish Times, the Irish Union of Students and within the upper echelons of the Irish Civil Service and the Irish parliament.
Is it reasonable to assume they drew the line there and didn't bother with the Irish Catholic Church?
But who among our esteemed Bishops could have been a Russian spy?
Who would have had motive, opportunity and the will?
Who has acted like a Soviet spy?
Who Archie?
Who among our Bishops has ever colluded with atheistic anti Catholic media groups and with shadowy figures at the upper reaches of the Judiciary and Civil Service in a blatent attempt to criminalise an entire generation of Bishops, priests and nuns?
Who has attempted at a stroke to compel an entire generation of Bishops to resign so that he could replace them with hangpicked liberals graven in his own image?
(Craven surely? - Ed note)
Who was was a brother of the famously pro Soviet former political editor of the Irish Times?
I say it again.
Motive, opportunity and the will.
Get out Archie.
I want you gone.
James Healy


Sitting in Kilcullen church waiting for the Easter vigil.
This is a midnight mass which as per the usual zany tradition in my home town takes place at 9pm.
I am sitting in a pew near the front.
My thoughts range wide.
For some reason I start to think of the nuns who served Kilcullen over the years.
In retirement they've been bundled off to Dublin.
After they'd raised our kids, cultured our hoodlums, enlightened our lives, we abandoned them.
I am thinking that the nuns should be here right now, sitting on the altar as our honoured and beloved guests.
Even the bitchy ones.
My thoughts run on.
Sure the nuns would be too old to come back now.
What if I started inviting the nuns back for special ceremonies and then crashed the car.
I could end up with a car full of dead nuns.
And from this thought my mind goes to a shipwreck event in the late nineteenth century.
The shipwreck was immortalised in a poem by Gerard Manley Hopkins.
But it really happened.
Some nuns were being expelled from Germany under the Falck Laws, on board a ship called The Deutschland.
The ship sank.
The nuns died.
As I sit in Kilcullen church tonight I wonder did the nuns keep faith as they died.
What sort of deaths did they endure.
Were their deaths pathetic hopeless miserable ones.
Was it quick.
My thoughts are brought to a halt as Father Michael and the other priests enter and stand on the altar.
The prayers begin.
In the middle of the ceremonies Father Michael gives his sermon.
Father Michael says the following word for word:

"Late in the nineteenth century in the year 1875 a ship called The Deutschland sank off the coast of England. On board were an order of nuns who were being exiled under the Falck Laws. Some accounts remain of how the nuns died. According to one report the nuns refused the opportunity to escape, preferring instead to give up their places to allow others the opportunity to survive. Another report indicates that the nuns stayed below decks together praying aloud over and over: Come quickly Jesus. Gerard Manley Hopkins wrote a famous poem about them called The Wreck Of The Deutschland. The last verse contains a line invoking Our Lord: Let him easter in us, be a dayspring to the dimness of us, be a crimson cresseted east."
Father Michael went on with some elegaically evocative prayers of his own using the word Easter as a verb.
And I sat there in the pews wondering what had just happened.
Some sort of telepathy with me picking up brainwaves from the Padre before his broadcast.
Or something more.


(First published April 2010)