the monica leech laugh in
The bar man is Judge Eamon DeValera.
"What'll it be, Gents?" says Judge DeValera all jovial bonhomie.
"Well," sez Monica Leech, "I feel Independent Newspapers libelled me when they attempted to report on the circumstances in which I received government contracts to design internet sites. I felt their attempts at reportage implied I was having a sexual laision with a government Minister."
"Okay," says Judge DeValera. "I'll award you two million dollars in damages for that. Is that enough?"
"It'll do for now," replies Monica coolly.
"How about you?" Judge DeValera directs his question to Donal Kinsella.
"Well," says Donal Kinsella, "I was overseas at my company's annual conference and I tried to gain entry to a female employee of my company's bedroom three times in one night while stark buck naked and having earlier in the day suggested she might like to have sex with me. I felt libelled when my company released a damage limitation press release which implied I'd done something wrong."
"Will ten million be enough?" muses Judge DeValera.
"That will do nicely, Sir," says Donal Kinsella in a voice like the man from the old American Express ad.
"And yourself?" says Judge DeValera turning to James Healy.
"Well," says James Healy, "it's about an Independent Newspapers journalist called Paedophile Ian O'Doherty, so called because he once falsely maliciously and malignly claimed in the Irish Independent that the Catholic Church is itself a paedophile ring. A few weeks ago Paedophile Ian O'Doherty attempted to identify me to his readers in his column which is supposedly read by a million people a day. In his column, he falsely maliciously and malignly claimed that I was an anonymous blogger, and then falsely maliciously and malignly likened my writings to those of racists and other propagators of hate speech on the internet who are anonymous. In the same column he threatened me with what he called an interesting surprise."
"Anything else?" asked Judge DeValera grimly.
"Well," said James Healy, "yesterday someone purporting to be Paedophile Ian O'Doherty left a message on my voicemail threatening to, as he put it, take everything I have and break my fingers if I ever wrote about him again."
"Good Lord," breathed Judge DeValera. "Anything else?"
"Well," said James Healy, "a year ago on the morning of my mother's funeral, a similar message was left from someone purporting to be Paedophile Ian O'Doherty on my answering machine threatening to kill me."
"Do you think he knew your mother was being buried?" rapped Judge DeValera.
"I think he did," answered James Healy.
For a moment Judge DeValera was lost for words.
"Great Scott," he exclaimed finally. "Has Independent Newspapers completely lost the run of itself? Do they just hire any drug scruff looking for cash to finance his habit? I mean are they completely out of control? Do these young thugs think that because Independent Newspapers has been leading a forty year free for all against the Catholic Church, that they can now threaten individuals in their own homes with violence and death? I mean do they think the law has ceased to apply to staff at Independent Newspapers? And by staff I obviously mean staphilococcusses. I mean are these people crazy? What a shower of cosmic lowlife? I mean what is going on here?"
Overcome by emotion Judge DeValera stepped back from the counter and began wiping out his beer glasses.
For long moments you could hear him muttering to himself.
Oddly elegiac, curiously creative and impassioned phrases like: "Penile dements," "Bastorial drug scruff," and "Unutterble scumbags."
Chuck Norris who was also in the bar wandered over.
"Heelers," he said. "If Paedophile Ian O'Doherty so much as looks at you, I'll kick his bawls through the roof of his mouth. That's if he has any."
"He has a mouth alright, Chuck" replied Heelers. "He just doesn't have any bawls."