The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Friday, September 25, 2015

at home with pope frank

(First episode of new Reality TV show featuring Pope Francis living with two refugee families from Syria whom he's invited to reside at the Vatican.)

Scene 1: The Pope and the Syrians getting to know each other over dinner.

FX: Some awkward tinkling of cutlery.

Pope Francis: "Pass the Muslims. I mean mustard."

(The Muslims behead Pope Francis.)

Muslim From Central Casting 1: Whoops.

poem and parody

Four Ducks On A Pond
By William Allingham

Four ducks on a pond
A blue sky beyond
What a strange thing to remember for years
To remember with tears


three kids in a garden
by James Healy

Me and Darragh Murphy both aged seven
In the back garden
Of the Healy house
In Main Street Tallaght
Looking over the garden wall
At Brian Kennedy
Who is racing up and down his own garden
Darragh Murphy picks up an old packet of budgie seed
From the ground
In our garden
Where such things were readily found
He reads the advertising slogan aloud from the package
"Trill will make your budgie bounce up and down with health"
And he nods meaningfully towards Brian Kennedy
Racing up and down his own garden
I thought it was unconscionably funny
I still do
The laugh we had illumines my whole childhood
What a strange thing to remember for years
To remember with tears

Thursday, September 24, 2015

today they said

Ben Carson (putative Republican Party American Presidential candidate): "... I believe Sharia Law is incompatible with The Constitution... I would not advocate having a Muslim as President."

Lindsay Graham (putative Republican Party American Presidential candidate): "Ben Carson should apologise."

Charles Krauthammer (Fox News Commentator): "It was a novice's mistake."

James Healy: "Ben Carson's refreshingly sincere, courageous and insightful comment is not a novice's mistake and he certainly should not apologise for it. Ben Carson's analysis re Islam is in fact overwhelmingly borne out by decades of contemporary comments from Islamic scholars themselves, among them university professors and supposedly moderate Muslims across the planet earth. These Muslims have openly insisted in public statement after public statement that Islam is not compatible with democracy and that all nations must one day submit to Sharia Law. Therefore saying that Islam or Sharia Law is not compatible with the Constitution of the United States is simply taking Muslims at their word. At another level saying what Ben Carson said, is merely pointing out what is now obvious to the broad majority of citizens of the Western World though not to our largely unaccountable political pseudo elites. I'm telling you folks, Lindsay Graham and Charles Krauthammer, both of whom I respect, are looking increasingly out of touch in the era of Donald Trump. If Lindsay Graham's and Charles Krauthammer's mindsets and views were to prevail we would continue to endure ye aforementioned unaccountable often unelected political establishment whose sole qualification for governance seems to be a capacity to say nothing when asked a question. I really am hoping the Trump era will finish them. I am hoping for a generation of politicians who actually believe in something and have some personal moral vision and commitment beyond personal ambition and pseudo intellectual conformism. That is all."

no truth in the rumour

There is no truth in the rumour that Al Qaeda's Nigerian wing is change its name from Boko Haram to Gussie Fink Nottle Haram. Although I do think Gussie Fink Nottle Haram would be a better name.

today they said

Irish Prime Minister Enda Kenny: "Some of the Traveller gangs are using night vision goggles to terrorise rural communities."

James Healy: "Well duhhhhh-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h."

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

live news feed from tonight's white house dinner party

The White House is full of sound and laughter.
President Obama sits at the top table.
His glamorous guests bask in the aura of elan.
Musical entertainment for the evening is being provided by Alannis Morissette, (In reality former President George W Bush in a fright wig trying to pass himself off as Alannis Morrisette.)
As the coiffeured diners dine, Alannis sings her most famous song:

"Did you forget about me President Duplicity
Did you betray America over dinner
Was it worth it to you
To do what you do
To destroy our country for an eight year career
And when the mafia are running the Teamsters
And filling the Judiciary with their shysters
Do you call my name
Call my name
Call my name
Well I'm here
To remind you 
Of the mess you made when you pulled our troops out of Iraq
It's only fair
When I find you
To say you just brought Al Qaeda back
You oughta know
You... are... a machine skank
From Chicago's federal bank
Of useless mafi-o-si
That's... all... you are to me
Pres-i-dent Du-plic-it--y
Did you feel the hush
As you criminalised President Bush
Did it make you feel like a winner
Did you care that your lies
Laid us low in the eyes
Of every worldwide Islamist skanger
Well I'm here
To remind you
Of the mess you made when you trahaised a good man
The truth
Will find you
You just gave nukes to Nazi Iran
You oughta know"

No one seems to notice the strange high poetry of the new lyrics
When the revel is at its height, President Obama stills the music and convsersation with a wave of his hair.
"Now Ahmed," he beams in his best trade mark mellifluous declamatory tone, "you can show me your clock."
Little Ahmed, a 14 year old Muslim schoolboy who last week brought a disassembled clock to his American high school packed into a metal box so that it looked like a bomb in order to frighten his classmates and teachers, steps forward.
After being arrested at his school he had falsely claimed that he had designed the fake bomb as a clock for his science class.
Apparently President Obama, ever a romantic in matters Muslim, believed him.
In the White House audience Little Ahmed's father thrones proudly.
He is a former Presidential candidate in the genocidal Islamist statelet styled Sudan.
No joke.
That's who Little Ahmed's father is.
The boy's Uncle is also present.
He is the owner of a trucking business named Twin Towers Trucking.
No joke.
That's what Little Ahmed's Uncle's trucking company is called, in homage to the Islamist attack on America and the rest of Humanity on Nine Eleven.
To put it in context, I ask you to imagine if we'd let Japanese people set up companies in our countries called Pearl Harbour Trucking in 1941.
Or imagine if we'd let Germans set up companies in our countries called Auschwitz Trucking or Anschluss Trucking or The Blitz Of London Trucking or Rape Of Poland Trucking or Fuhrer Trucking or Deutschlund Uber Alles Trucking in 1939.
Because that's what Little Ahmed's uncle is doing now.
There ya go.
That's the issue.
Little Ahmed proffers Barack Obama his clock, then self detonates.
As the smoke clears, we see Alannis Morissette, as always the consummate performer, moodily replacing her fright wig and picking her way through the rubble.
Alannis sings her second best song:

"Isn't it ironic
Dontchya think...
President Stylish
Asked to see a clock
But what he saw
Gave him quite a shock
And isn't it ironic
Dontchya think
It's like rai-i-i-i-i-i-n
On your wedding day
A free ride
When you're already late
A conversion to Islam
The religion of hate
An endless holiday
In the Caliphate
But who would have thought it matters
President Trendy
Gave atomic weapons to Iran
He wasn't thinking
He did it without a plan
And as the bombs fell
On New York and Japan
He turned to his wife
And said
Sorry Maam
And isn't it ironic
Dontchya think
It's like immigration
To a Muslim State
A forced conversion
When you're already in the Caliphate
It's a free ride
You just shouldn't take
But who would have thought it matters
Life has a funny way
Of giving you a root in the bawls
Life has a funny way
Of kicking you in the Town Halls
Life has a funny way
Of hitting you right in the family jewels
Life has a funny way
Babadap dap dabble lap"

greatest triumphs of the irish police force

1. Irish police have rescued eight foreign national teenagers who were being used as slaves in Ireland by mafia gangs.
Some of the teenagers have been sent back to Romania, no doubt to the custody of the very parents who sold them into slavery.
The Irish police have been trumpeting the action as a success.
The police have arrested a grand total of no one from among the mafia gangs who were using the children as slaves.

2. Irish police have arrested a woman on charges of claiming sick leave while not being sick. I kid you not. Yes. The useless mafia complicit Irish police force has arrested a woman for phoning in sick to work.

3. Irish police have arrested a man and our public prosecution service has pressed charges against him for sending a mildly pejorative email to famously corrupt Justice Minister Alan Shatter, who has since resigned. This case requires wisdom as there is a chance that the whole thing has been staged in order to create case law in Ireland for censoring internet commentary. Nonetheless while IRA Al Qaeda Triad devil worshipping Nigerian rackateer Russian mob mafia gangs are dividing Ireland into personal fiefdoms, the Irish Police have arrested and charged a man with the purely notional crime of telling Alan Shatter in an email to get lost.

Footnote: I always describe the Nigerian gangs as "devil worshipping" since clear annotated verifiable evidence emerged five years ago from Irish social workers that Nigerian gangstahs in Ireland routinely use black magic to cow their female prostitutes, and in addition that one of the mainstays of the Nigerian rackets in Ireland is the trafficking of children into London for sacrifice to satan. I would humbly suggest to those employees of Independent Newspapers and the Irish Times who have become accustomed to reading the Heelers Diaries for a few superior larfs, that they might do well to investigate that element of Nigerian rackateering which I have just revealed to them, and when they have established the absolute veracity of what I'm saying, that they bring it to public attention. What we make unsayable, we make very dangerous. Such evils as we name, lose much of their power and prestige. I am calling you to heroism my gentle Irish Times Independent Newspapers friends.