The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Saturday, June 25, 2016

the crunch question

Question: Why did the people of Great Britain vote to leave the European Union?

Answer: Jih-a-a-a-a--a-a-a-a--a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-d.

Friday, June 24, 2016

the irish police force's delicate penchant for conveniently dead suspects in cases involving the kidnap rape torture and murder of missing persons

Irish police announced last week that they were investigating a tip off which implicated a possible suspect in the disappearance thirty years ago of schoolboy Philip Cairns.
The possible suspect, an IRA member with convictions for child abuse offences, called Eamon Cooke is of course conveniently dead. He had died a week before the police announcement.
I would ask you to bear in mind certain matters.
There is some evidence of gangland running pass defence for itself by feeding the police nonsense tips in such cases.
Even the IRA seems quite happy to implicate supposed IRA members who are conveniently dead or out of the country, or perhaps don't exist.
A few years ago a jailed murderer confessed to several of the high profile disappearances of women in the midlands area.
The mother of Fiona Pender, one of the missing women, was made of stern stuff and instantly headed off the false confession with the blunt statement: "I know who killed my daughter. And it wasn't him."
Fiona Pender, unlike most of the other midlands disappearances, was not murdered by a serial killer or a coven.
Fiona Pender and her unborn child are believed by investigators and by her family to have been murdered by her boyfriend. He was reported by the Sunday Independent newspaper more than a decade ago to have confessed the crime to an aunt of another missing girl from the town of Newbridge. He had called to the aunt requesting the aunt to identify the suspect in the Newbridge girl's disappearance and the Sunday Independent claimed he said to the girl's aunt: "I killed Fiona when I was hopped up on tablets." This piece of information has been quietly let die and no conviction has ever been secured against the boyfriend for his murder of Fiona Pender and her unborn child.
In the disappearance of Annie McCarrick a supposed IRA member has been the subject of what I call more "pass defence" nonsense tips.
The police officer who was for a long time in charge of investigating these cases at one stage claimed that he had information that an IRA assassin on the run in America had killed Annie McCarrick.
The theory propagated by this police officer was that the IRA man had gotten drunk and told Annie McCarrick about some of his killings. This indiscretion according to the police officer who never solved any of the missing persons cases he was dealing with, led the IRA man to murder Annie McCarrick.
I consider this theory to be balderdash.
This is the sort of tip the police officer should have been compelled to clarify.
If the IRA man is more than a myth, he should of course be extradited without delay and compelled to talk.
One of the most vexatious aspects with deliberately misleading tips (aside from those that emanate from police officers themselves) is that Irish police take no action against those they discover impeding investigations in this way.
A phone caller who impeded the investigation into the disappearance of the girl from Newbridge was never prosecuted even though the police identified him.
Incidentally the jailed murderer who attempted to impede the Fiona Pender investigation by frivolously confessing to killing her, also confessed to killing the missing Newbridge girl.
There are few people who believe there was ever any truth in his confessions.
The main suspect vis a vis missing persons cases of this type in the midlands area remains in the opinion of more respected Irish police officers, and in the view of FBI profilers, one Larry Murphy and his connections.
Murphy has been convicted in a case which involved him kidnapping, raping, torturing and attempting to kill a woman, (He tortured her by showing her pictures of his family so that she would know in advance he intended to kill her.)
He had hunted the woman as human prey, stalking her for months in advance of his attacks upon her.
A liberal Judge gave him a pattycake sentence and in spite of recommendations from law enforcement professionals against ever releasing him, the Irish government has given Murphy a passport and set him loose on the people of Europe.
Murphy's cousin also has a conviction for murder.
The concerns about the Murphy family's predilections for kidnappings, rape and murder, are particularly germaine because within a week of announcing their nonsense tip off about a conveniently deceased IRA man in the Philip Cairns case, the Irish police have announced another such tenuous tip off in several other missing persons cases in the midlands.
Again the possible suspect is conveniently dead.
Again the tip off is of an indirect sort, coming from someone who claims to have been abused by a man who she then claims confessed several of the midlands killings to her.
Again the whole thing reeks of pass defence.

great moments in sport

Today they said...

James Healy: "David Cameron will not resign as Prime Minister of Great Britain."

David Cameron: "I resign."

great britain

The people of Britain have voted in a referendum to leave the European Union.
Behind closed doors, the faceless unelected nation manipulating pseudo elites of Europe are shaking in their plush armchairs.
The results have come through this morning.
Some thoughts.

1 This is a great day for Britain.

2. This is a great day for the sovereignty of peoples across Europe.

3. The people of Britain voted to leave the European Union because the European Union has been usurping powers to itself from member States through shadowy unelected cabals in the backrooms of European institutions.

4. The people of Britain voted to leave the European Union because the invisible pseudo elites who govern Europe have been systematically collapsing immigration law.

5. The people of Britain voted to leave the European Union because they grew tired of being labelled racist for opposing the collapse of immigration law in their country.

6. The people of  Britain voted to leave the European Union because they grew tired of being labelled racist whenever they expressed concerns about Muslim immigration in particular.

7. I do not think the Prime Minister of Britain, David Cameron, will resign. He promised a referendum and provided one even though he advocated staying in Europe. I predict he will stay in office and will honorably uphold the decision of the people. Contrary to what the mischief makers on television are saying, his reputation has not suffered. Nor has his mandate to lead the country.

8. The out of touch quality of telev,ision coverage throughout this night, particularly on the ITV, Euronews and France 24 networks which I was watching most of the time, gives an extraordinary insight into the dysfunctional arrogance of the media arm, of the pseudo elites of both Britain and Europe. The main presenter and commentators on ITV continually warned that the decision to leave Europe would mean disaster for Britain. There was an unwholesome absence of any appreciation whatsoever of the dignity, courage, integrity and intellectual vitality of the people of Britain who had voted to leave Europe. The disregard of ITV's presenters for those they disagreed with, ie the tens of millions who voted Leave, was palpable and shameful.

9. The claim that the vote divides Britain is the usual nonsense claim that accompanies any electoral result which the media pseudo elites disapprove of. I've been listening to them calling Britain divided all my life. Britain does okay for herself whatever her people decide in whatever election.

10. ITV began the night suggesting that Scotland would win the referendum on behalf of those who favoured staying in Europe. By the end of the night ITV was touting the failure of Scotland's pro Europe faction to sway the popular vote as a reason for Scotland to leave the United Kingdom. I predict Scotland will not lead the United Kingdom. By the way, forty percent of those who voted in Scotland voted to Leave Europe. Another thirty five percent of Scots didn't vote at all. ITV is suggesting those figures mean Britain is facing the imminent secession of Scotland. I'd say the dissolution of ITV is much more likely.

11. Even after it was clear that the people of Britain had voted to leave Europe, ITV continued to present the decision as a disaster. There was no respect for the 18 million voters who had prevailed in the most momentous political development in Britain of the past half century. Only a continuing litany of dire predictions. This is why ITV and most media groups in Europe are bankrupt. They do not report events. They tell us what to think based on their own pseudo elite predispositions.The last straw came when ITV handed over its coverage to a presenter styled Piers Morgan at 6am. That finished them with me. Piers Morgan is the individual who as editor of the Daily Mirror published fake photos during the War On Terror purporting to show British soldiers urinating on Iraqis. His tenure at the Daily Mirror ended over a different scandal I think. It was the one where he published stock market tips for companies he'd already bought shares in. That was the one that did for him. But obviously he was never short of a good scandal. The fact that ITV is once more championing him as a presenter shows more than anything else the taste gap and the integrity gap which characterises everything they do.

12. From 3am ITV was claiming that the British currency Sterling is in free fall. What free fall means is that the notional value of the Pound (notional in the sense that the price is being determined by what some stock brokers and hedge fund managers are willing to pay for it) has dropped a few cents against the Dollar. So this is only going to matter to you if you're exchanging large amounts of Pounds for Dollar today. Most of us do not need to change a hundred million pounds into dollars before the weekend. So in all probability the supposed collapse of Sterling is not going to matter at all.

13. From 3am last night when the vote began clearly to swing towards Britain's exit from Europe, an increasingly resentful ITV reporting team were also predicting stock market collapses worldwide. I suggest that these too have been crudely exaggerated and will rectify over time.

14. ITV, France 24 and Euronews are also now predicting that Northern Ireland may vote to leave the United Kingdom. I'm predicting it won't.

15. Far from showing Britain as a divided country, I suggest the vote shows Britain united in a way unprecedented in recent history. The man who perhaps did more than anyone else to create the opportunity for this referendum Nigel Farage of the United Kingdom Independence Party spoke as follows: "Many of you worked together for this result, conservatives, Labour, Ukip and members of no party." In the hour of victory, he quite legitimately attributed the triumph as much to his political protagonists as to his own party. When have we seen that sort of unity before? A Labour Party member of parliament who was part of the Leave campaign, laughed as she recounted: "The most fun for me was campaigning across party lines. A young conservative came with me into my constituency and he was really surprised to get such a warm welcome from people who nornally don't like conservatives." This is not a divided Britain. This is a Britain more united than ever before. Except among the media and conformist political pseudo elites. They're as out of touch as they always were.

16. The European Union's collapsing of our boarders through the Schengen Agreement (from which Britain was officially exempt) and through failing to enforce even a vestige of immigration law, has served only to facilitate drug dealing people trafficking mafias such as the IRA, Cosa Nostra, Chinese Triads, Al Qaeda, Muslim gangs generally, the Farc, the Zetas, the Russian mob. and Nigerian devil worship rings, in dividing Ireland and other European countries into their own personal fiefdoms. I mention the Nigerian gangs because they traffic children through my country Ireland for ritual slaughter in London. Even notoriously reticent Irish social workers have written tracts about the Nigerian gangs' use of black magic in their prostitution and child trafficking activities. The public remain unaware of these matters because our bankrupt pro European Union, State funded, pseudo elite media groups (the Irish Times, Independent Newspapers, and RTE) do not choose the report them. The Stalinist RTE is funded by compulsory taxation on the citizenry. Independent Newspapers is funded by a Byzantine process whereby AIB bank which went bust lending Independent Newspapers a billion dollars which Independent Newspapers refused to repay, was nationalised by the government of Prime Minister Enda Kenny and promptly cancelled the debts of Independent Newspapers. That's some finance operation right there. By the way Independent Newspapers is owned by a billionaire white collar criminal called Denis O'Brien who made his billions according to an Irish Judicial Enquiry by bribing a corrupt government Minister called Michael Lowry some decades ago to give him mobile phone service provision contracts for the Republic of Ireland dirt cheap. Prime Minister Enda Kenny (who was not Prime Minister during Michael Lowry's hay day) has refused to take any action to implement the findings of the Judicial Enquiry into super thief Denis O'Brien's malfeasance. We should also note that the AIB bank which Enda Kenny nationalised in order to cancel the debts of Denis O'Brien's bankrupt newspaper group, had as one of its principal Board members one Lochlainn Quinn, who is a billionaire himself, and who also happens to be a brother of one Ruairi Quinn, at the time a Minister for Education in Enda Kenny's government. As for the Irish Times... It is so bankrupt (financially and morally) that its shadowy cabal of owners are now lobbying our government to tax internet users and give the money to... the Irish Times.

17. Maybe it's time for us to set up an Irish version of Ukip.

no truth in the rumour

There is absolutely no truth in the rumour that German Chancellor Angela Merkel intends to compensate for the loss of Great Britain from the European Union by immediately awarding citizenship to the first hundred million Muslims who show up on our borders. No hang on. That is true.

Thursday, June 23, 2016

live update from the european football champtionships

Soccer is dying.
It's nearly gone.
Reform it.

1. Increase the space between the goal posts so that there will be more goals.
2. Reduce the teams to eight a side instead of eleven.
3. End the off side rule.
4. End hack and slash fouler football.
5. End the formulaic methodologies which have prevailed in the game over the past fifty years whereby the principal strategy is to prevent the other team being able to play rather than playing oneself.
6. Reintroduce sporting values, fraternal courtesy, honour and integrity to the way the game is played.

sex scene

The bedroom.
A waif like voice floats upwards.
"Oh James."
Then the door explodes inwards off its hinges.
I sit bolt upright,
Old man Culligan is standing in the doorway with an AK47 assault rifle.
"Nobody," he snarls, "but nobody ----s... with the Rah."

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

subtle incongrueties of existence

Coffee with Uncle Throg.
"I have found just the girl for you," sez he.
"Oh yeah. Who?"
"Yvette who?"
"Yvette. Gerry Culligan's daughter."
The Uncle and I have a frank relationship.
"Are you f--king mad?" I wondered reasonably.
"What's wrong with her?" quoth he.
"She's a f--king Rah man's daughter, that's what" quoth me.
"She's the nicest girl you'll ever meet," sez he persuasively.
"Why don't you just set me up with Osama's Bin Laden's f--king daughter? I hear she's a nice girl too." I answered still reasonable.
"This one's a really beautiful girl."
"Ah you Christians think everyone's beautiful. Unfortunately you're looking for different things to me. Souls and such like. Your conception of beauty is up your holes. A f--king Rah man's daughter. I ask you."
"Yvette doesn't care about politics," persisted Uncle Throg.
"Wanna bet she doesn't care during a bout of love making when I call out Mrs Thatcher's name?" I parried.
"She's rich," said the Uncle aiming for the bawls.
"How rich?"
"Culligan owns all those hotels."
"Rah hotels. You can check out any time you want, But you can never leave."
"She's got more money than the Widow Quinn."
I had passed some time with the Widow Quinn about a year ago.
The Uncle's argument was percipient.
The Widow Quinn was rich by Irish standards, possessing ample cash, ample acreage and ample bosoms indeed.
But compared to Culligan she was a pauper.
That is to say she did not possess anything like the limitless buckets of newly laundered IRA mafia cash that Culligan and, presumably to a slightly lesser extent, his daughter, might be expected to harbour from the vast sums they launder through their front operation hotel chain.
I mean I don't want to go casting no aspoyshuns.
"I'll wager,"sez I thoughtfully, "Yvette Culligan's got a sounder hold on reality than the Widow Quinn too, even if her father is an IRA psychopath. But where would we be going? I mean, if things work out. What kind of a wedding would it be? Most weddings you've to worry about seating arrangements along the lines of Boy, Girl, Boy, Girl, Boy Girl. At a Rah wedding with all the IRA skang gangs you have to invite, our seating arrangements are going to be: Psycho, Maniac, Assassin, Kinahan, Tinker, Hutch, INLA, Tinker, Kinahan, Rhattigan, Tinker, INLA, Hutch, Kinahan, Psycho, Assassin, Tinker, Kinahan, INLA, Hutch, Rhattigan, INLA, Tinker, Kinahan, Rhattigan, INLA, Psycho, Assassin, Tinker, Hutch and if we've room, a couple of McCarthy Dundons just to spice things up. And you can never seat two from the same IRA cell group together or they'll massacre everybody else. And they'll all want to make maudlin speeches about knowing the bride since before her first drug run (at the age of five). And they'll all want to kill someone to make the night complete. Probably me, I'm not doing it."
The ghost of PG Wodehouse appeared at my shoulder.
"Think of the betrothal scene," he murmured pleadingly.
I paused.
In my mind's eye I could see myself going to old man Culligan and sitting in his hotel office surrounded by Rah paraphenalia. (Dead bodies, piano wire, wodges of cash, amphetamines, old H Block posters etc etc.)
I could see myself as being something like Bertie Wooster asking Sir Watkyn Basset for the hand of his niece Stiffie Byng.
My lines went: "Don't think of it as losing a daughter Mr Culligan. Think of it as gaining an anti abortion pro Brit pro American pro Israeli advocate of all out war with the Rah and its allied mafias."
And Culligan slams his hand down on a paper fastener and says: "Grnngghhhh," while his daughter kisses him delightedly.
Uncle Throg was looking at me expectantly as I played the above scene in my mind.
"Alright then, give me her number" said I at last. "I shall aboard this belle of the Rah and give her at least an option on joining the forces of good. I've never dazzled an IRA waif before. At least not knowingly. At the very least she should make an interesting study."

Monday, June 20, 2016

come back allannis morissette all is forgiven

Flicking through the channels on the sexevision.
I land on a music channel.
Allannis Morissette is singing a new version of one of her nearly good songs.
The song has been retitled Isn't It Islamic.
The new version goes:

"Little Ahmed
Build a clock bomb for school
President Obama
Said the clock bomb was cool
And as they shook hands
In the White House Rose Room
Little Ahmed
Pushed the detonator down
And isn't it Islamic
Dontchya think
It's like Jiha-a-a-a-a-d
In the Caliphate
It's a free ride
To Islamic State
It's a suicide vest
On your wedding cake
But who would have thought it matters
Pope Francis
Collapsed immigration law
Chancellor Merkel
Liked what she saw
And as the doors of Europe
Were flung open wide
Two hundred million Jihadis
Stepped inside
And isn't it Islamic
Dontchya think
It's like a plane hijacking
When you're already late
It's when your beard won't grow
In the Caliphate
It's the Sharia law
You just had to break
But who would have thought it matters
Tim Cooke 
Wouldn't help the FBI
Unlock a Jihadi's Apple phone
He didn't want to pry
And as the Jihadis
Killed fifty more at Orlando
Tim Cooke CEO of Apple Computers said
Gee guys how was I supposed to know
And isn't it Islamic
Dontchya think
It's like giveaway coffee
During Ramadan
It's a verse about peace
In the holy Quran
It's an all expenses paid trip
To the Islamic Republic of Iran
But who would have thought it matters
Life has a funny way
Of giving you a root in the bawls
And life has a funny way
Of giving you a kick in the Town Halls
And life has a funny way
Of giving you a punch in the Family Jewels
And life has a funny way
Of giving you a thump in the testy cules
Yap dapp dappa dap dap

I quite like this song.

Sunday, June 19, 2016

the enigma variations

"Hey James look at this."
The words were Fortescue's.
He approached across the cafe brandishing an Irish Times.
I shrank away. Not a big fan of the Irish Times. If you've read one maundering anti Catholic pro abortion propaganda rag, you've read them all. That's my view.
"Read it,"said Fortescue indicating an arteekle.
I read.
The gist of what I read was that a member of management at a company once used by IRA capo Sean Quinn to bankrupt Ireland through illegal billion dollar loans from an IRA controlled financial institution styled Anglo Irish Bank, had been intimidated by an IRA assassin with a gun.
The gunman had suggested to the manager while waving his gun ever so politely in his face, that it might be a good idea to put IRA capo Sean Quinn back in charge of what he'd once run as a proxy company for the IRA.
According to the Irish Times article the young manager had replied: "Either pull the trigger or f--- off."
I put down the Irish Times.
I didn't laugh.
A once famous fleeting grin played about my lips.
"I like it," I said. "It has great pith. It's the sort of thing I'd love to say. My trouble is that I wouldn't be able to stop there. I'd have said: F--- off you f---ing low life IRA bollocks, you're all a bunch of f---ing w-nking b--------s, leeching off our history for your f---ing drug cult. Go on you people trafficking c---s. Go on. Go terrorise a little old lady, or hook some more children on your drug poisons, or get another corrupt f---ing cop to run the town for you, or bring in a few more Morroccan Pie Eye Steen Yun drug gangs as part of your Muslim outreach, or install another drug dealer in a house at my gate, you f---ing lice, that's more your f---ing speed. Go f--- yourself and your f---ing Rah gangs in your f---ing Rah housing estates, you f---ing Rah c---s, go on, pull the f---ing trigger or f--- off you useless f---ing skanger IRA f---ing c---t. Pull the f--king trigger you skang. Pull the f--king trigger. With my luck he'd probably have shot me."
"I suppose he would," said Fortescue soberly.