The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Saturday, July 02, 2011

theme tune from the motion picture goutman

"Goutman, Goutman,
Does whatever a person with gout can.
Can he swing from a thread?
Not likely, he's barely able to walk.
Hey there.
Here comes the Goutman.
In the chill of night,
At the scene of a crime,
Like an old man hobblng on crutches,
He arrives just in time.
Goutman, Goutman,
Does whatever a person with gout can.
Is he strong?
Listen bud,
He's got a cocktail of pharmaceutical painkiller drugs in his blood.
Can he swing from a thread?
No, he'll more likely fall,
On your head.
Hey there,
Here comes the Goutman.


(With apologies to the writer of the theme tune to the old 1970's Spiderman cartoon. No really. I'm very sorry.)

Wednesday, June 29, 2011


Jim Hawkins approached in mellow mood
With cries of "Hey" and "Whassup Dude!"

He bid me sit and listen hence,
To his latest gems of intelligence.

With curious grins and giggles odd,
He haply proclaimed there is no God.

"There's no God quoth he, and we are free
Life is one long pagan orgy."

My gentle admonitions drew
A stern reproof: "Oh come on, you knew."

"We're genes and chemistry, that is all,
Richard dawkins is on the ball."

"He's spotted the con job, he's called God's bluff,
Religion's a lie! Fornication's the stuff!"

He continued thusly in manner crude
Before bidding me a merry: "See ya Dude."

And I was left to contemplate
The wilful hopelessness of the atheistic state

Orgies are made by fools like Jim Hawkins
But only God can make a Richard Dawkins

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

lies damned lies and sky news

Ken Kiley (Sky News reporter in Libya): "Other countries are reluctant to get involved in action against the Gadaffi regime because they see that the intervention in Iraq ten years ago is responsible for the chaos engulfing that country today."

James Healy: "The problem with Sky News relying on teenage lefties for their field reportage is that teenage lefties have no background knowledge of the countries from which they are reporting. So Ken Kiley says the chaos in Iraq stems from the American intervention there ten years ago. This is of course to ignore the fact that Iraq has been in worse chaos for more than forty years prior to the American intevention. During Saddam Hussein's rule, Iraq made war with Iran causing the deaths of at least a million people. During Saddam Hussein's rule, Iraq unleashed chemical and biological weapons on its own citizens slaughtering thousands of men, women and children, while at the same time murdering further hundreds of thousands by conventional means, ie by shooting them. During Saddam Hussein's rule, Iraq invaded Kuwait attempting a blatent land grab which cost the lives of untold hundreds of thousands people. (Untold because Sky News, CNN and their ilk never even trouble to mention them.) During Saddam Hussein's rule, Iraq sponsored continuous terrorist attacks on Israel through its financing of a suicide bomber compensation programme. (I kid you not.) During Saddam Hussein's rule, Iraq financed and ran the Ansar Al Islam branch of Al Qaeda. During Saddam Hussein's rule, Iraq was a threat to the entire world. The only thing that's changed in the last ten years after the American, British and allied internvention in Iraq, is that Iraq, for all the chaos bemoaned by pious hypocritical leftist Sky News hand wringers like Ken Kiley, is now in fact a safer more civilised place than at any time in the past fifty years. It's also less of a threat to the rest of humanity. As for the current chaos, such as it is, it has been caused by the Islamic Republic of Iran and Al Qaeda who have been emboldened by the likes of Ken Kiley in their efforts to label the American liberation a failure. The Islamists of Iran and Al Qaeda know that if Iraq becomes a successful free democracy in partnership with the world, then Islamism of both the Iranian and Al Qaeda variety is finished. The creeping defeatist Islamism of the Ken Kiley Sky News variety will be harder to kill."


Jeremy Thomspon (Sky News pseudo leftie reporting from Syria): "It is clear that the majority of Syrians still support the government of Bashar Al Assad."

James Healy: "And here I was thinking Ken Kiley had the monopoly on mendaciousness at Sky News. Jeremy Thompson leaves him standing. What can you say about Jeremy Thompson's statement? For sheer crassness and outright wrongness it would be difficult to beat. To come close, we have to go back three months to another of Sky's cosmic lefty goons masquerading as a journalist, Lisa Holland when she simperingly asked Colonel Gadaffi's psycho son Saif, whether he might just see his way to taking over Libya as a way out of the impasse. Here is the news. Anyone who's watched Syria for the past half century, knows that the people of Syria do not support Bashar Al Assad. The people of Syria have been held prisoner throughout that time by the most brutal police state on the planet. The Syrian government is a hideous relict of the Soviet era, a killing machne without honour or accountability or even the least vestiges of humanity. There is no Al Qaeda gang attacking the Syrian government. The Syrian government succours Al Qaeda and is an Al Qaeda ally. The Islamic Republic of Iran along with Iran's Lebanese proxy army Hezbollah and Al Qaeda itself, have been helping Bashar Al Assad's government of Syria in attempting to murder Syria's people's democracy movement out of existence. Anyone who's knows Syrians knows that the Syrian people did not at any time murder and dismember a hundred Syrian soldiers as uncritically, nay cretinously, reported on Sky News last week. Anyone who cares in the slightest about the fate of this great people and this great nation would never have pretended with such twisted arrogance as Jeremy Thompson did, that the Syrian people support the barbarian now seeking their permanent enslavement."


Lukwesa Burak (Sky News in house sexy): "Take me James. I'm yours."

James Healy: "I forgive Sky News everything. Sky News is a paragon of virtue and represents the gold standard of excellence in broadcasting journalism. Jeremy Thompson for Pope. Ken Kiley for President. Oh Lukwesa, take me to the drive in and swear that you love me.Yeah baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah! Etc etc."