The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Saturday, April 28, 2018

does richard dawkins dream of electric trousers

The atheistic biologist Richard Dawkins is claiming that human beings are the purposeless creations of their jeans.
Could this mean that I disagree with Richard Dawkins because my jeans are telling me to?
I think I feel a Levis ad coming on.
Perhaps we'll film it to raise money for charity.
How about a long reveal in black and white of exquisite American wilderness.
Two Mormon women, bubbling with not very repressed sensuality make their way through prairie grass to a secluded stream.
If these two are anything to go by, the Mormons are going to have to try harder.
I mean Whoarghhhh.
From among a few sparse trees, the girls spy on Richard Dawkins who is bathing while wearing his jeans which he wishes to shrink to fit according to a manufacturer's blurb and the jeans' own desire to hug him more closely.
A rather epic soundtrack from a music combo styling themselves Stiltskin kicks in.
It goes:

"Ring low on the turning fire
Pern in a gyre
Fat man starts to fall
Here in the waters placid
Deoxyribonucleic acid
Starts to call
And if you think that I've been losing my way
I have no idea what that means
Because I can't think for myself
I'm a purposeless creature of my jeans
Ner ner ner ner ner ner ner
Nerdle ner nerdle nerdle ner
Thungle thungle thungle thung thung thung
Ner ner ner ner ner
Keep it all inside
If you believe it
You keep it all inside
Oh oh
Ner ner ner ner ner ner"

The guitar orchestrations are marvellous even though the lyric's a bit forced.
I quite like this song.
(Genes ya bollix - Richard Dawkins note.)

Monday, April 23, 2018

if the deity had a dublin accent

The Deity calls Saint Peter to the window and points earthwards.
"Look right there Peter. Do you see Heelers waving his hands in the air in church? He's at it again. He's always doing it. I mean, last week he did it during the Doxology. I was scarlet. I didn't know where to look. It's like my house, ree. Everyone is having a nice time. And your man starts undulating. He thinks he's at a football match. You know yourself. loike. He thinks he's a Mexican wave, ree. All me friends are watching and he's doing dis ting. I didn't know where to look. And I'm omnipotent. Omnipotent is where you can pronounce omnipotent with a Dublin accent. You know yourself, loike. I thought I'd pass peacefully out. What's he thinking of? He was waving his arms about like Magnus Pike on dhrugs. And I'm saying to meself: what's he so happy about? Maybe he thinks he's an Evanjellybaby. I don't know what the Evanjellybabies are so happy about either, moind you. Where they're going. My accent's good isn't it? Contrary to popular perceptions, the old accent of working Dublin is the most refined accent in the universe. Because I say so, ree. You know yourself, loike. And you've got to sass it or you don't get in. Ask Cookie is me coddle ready yet."

Sunday, April 22, 2018

star drekkk

Scene opens with Captain Jean Nose Picard on the bridge of the Starship Snurdlebaum.

Picard: "Computer, where is Commander Worf?"

Computer: "Commander Worf is down the boozer."

Picard: "What? Again?"

(Sliding door shickoks open)

Worf: "What can you do with a drunken Klingon? What can you do with a drunken Klingon? What can you do with a drunken Klingon? Earl-eye in the morning. Way ho and up she rises. Way ho and up she rises. Way ho and up she rises. Earl- eye in the morning. Reporting for duty Captain. Hic."

Picard: "I'm Captain Picard you Dip. Captain Hic commands a completely different Starship. One I can't be bothered thinking up a name for."

Ryker: "Captain, sensors are reading a strange anomaly in the Vroons system."

Picard: "It's going to be one of those days."

Ryker: "It appears to be some sort of signal."

Picard: "Enhance and play back."

Anderson Cooper: "I'm Anderson Cooper and this is CNN."

Picard: "Nooooooo. Get us out of here. Mr Sulu or whatever your name is. Warp factor seven and a half. Why couldn't it have been a Yogi Bear cartoon. They're beating CNN in the ratings, you know."

Ryker: "The signal is fading."

Picard: "Not a moment too soon. Thank heavens it wasn't RTE."

Ryker: "Captain there's an Irish Times floating past the starboard bow. Will we pick it up using the ship's extensible retractor arm?"

Picard: "Nah."

Data The Android: "It has some interesting articles on how wonderful abortions are."

Picard: "So no change there. Even bankruptcy hasn't altered the Irish Times' fundamentally depraved moral outlook."

Ryker: "Why aren't there any women in this week's episode?"

Data: "It's 5am in Ireland where Heelers is writing this and he can't remember their names. Oh here comes Deana Troy. She's one. Hi Deanna."

Troy: "Hi."

Ryker: "We're picking up more anomalous readings. This time from somewhere else."

Picard: "On the screen."

Kim Wilde: "Set me free why don't you babe. Get out of my life why don't you babe? Because you don't really love me. You just keep me Klinging on."

Worf: "I met her in the pub."

Gates McFadden (the woman who plays Doctor Thingummy): Did I miss anything.

Picard: No it's over.