The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Friday, August 17, 2018

heeler the peelers fashion tips for the modern girl

Say no to the bobble hat.

Thursday, August 16, 2018

star drekkk classics episode 96 the search for socks

Sulu: "Captain, a Veluchian ship is approaching in the Omega Quadrant."

Kirk: "Where?"

Sulu: "Right there. In front of us."

Kirk: "Veluchians are friendly types, what?"

Spock: "The Veluchians are feared as the most vicious warriors in the known universe, Captain."

Kirk: "Yoikes."

Vlaktar the Veluchian: "I am Vlaktar the Veluchian. You will surrender or die."

Kirk: "Tell him I'm on my Corbomite break."

Vlaktar: "I'm right here. On the viewing screen. I can see you. You can see me. That's the conceit. We can hear each other. That's what it says in the script."

Kirk: "Oh right. Vlaktar this is James T Kirk of the Starship Enterprise."

Vlaktar: "What does the T stand for?"

Kirk: "Tiberius."

Michael Caine: "Not many people know that."

Vlaktar: "Yoikes myself."

Kirk: "You are in Federation space."

Vlaktar: "I didn't see your name on it."

Spock: "Captain the Veluchians are scanning us."

Vlaktar: "Tell me, James T Kirk, why are you wearing a woman's girdle?"

Spock: "They can see our underwear."

Kirk: "It's a man's girdle. A mirdle. I wear it because this is for television."

Vlaktar: "And the wig?"

Kirk: "Same reason."

Vlaktar: "You are quite a good looking guy and they have you trussed up like a turkey to evoke some pseudo ideal notion of masculinity. You earthlings are going to end up having trouble with your young people starving themselves to death through anorexia nervosa if you keep imposing on them arbitrary televisual images which you consider indicative of attractiveness."

Kirk: "Tell us about it."

Vlaktar: "Could you ask Lieutentant Uhuru to spin around in her swivel chair towards our scanning device?"

Kirk: "Ah she'll do it herself in a minute. She's always doing it."

Vlaktar: "She's some babe."

Kirk: "The real wonder is we get any work done at all. The way Star Fleet women disport themselves. All magnificent glistening thighs, black boots and pointy gazungas. Still somehow we keep going. Federation starships fly around. Usually they don't bump into each other. Imagine it. With a dress code like this."

Vlaktar: (agreeably) "It's harder to believe than tractor beams, phasers, time travel and teleportation devices."

Dr McCoy: (rushing in to tie up loose endsily.) "Where's my socks?"

Kirk: "I got em. I like the little Garfields."

Vlaktar: "I bet the T really stands for Titbreath."

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

valorous idylls

Hero the blue heron sat on a branch of a fallen tree near a turn in the river.
A stray breeze touched riverbank reeds through the heat haze.
The heron seemed to savour existence.
Another heron flew into sight.
It was Leander.
She was under attack from a carrion crow.
The crow was much more manoeuvrable than the heron and was able to circle her in flight, darting in and out to harry her.
I don't think he was trying to hurt her.
He just wanted her to drop her fish.
She let a single plaintive cry.
Instantly Hero rose up from his branch.
Herons are big birds and can look unwieldy compared to the smaller ones
His take off was a thing of beauty, straight up and into the fray.
He flew at the crow who dodged him easily.
Now both were circling Leander, Hero doing his best to defend her, the crow still evading him easily while attacking her.
They three of them flew west tussling valorously above Kilcullen town square before vanishing into the wild blue yonder of evening.

Monday, August 13, 2018

to what serves mortal beauty well for a start it's nice to look at etc etc

Strolling through the town of Athy.
Suddenly fifty beauty queens appear ahead of me up the path bearing seven zero seven mark five Capteen.
Too late to put up the deflector shields.
I am engulfed.
They pass by.
But not before I've noted that Miss Longford, one Loren Katie Logan, has a certain je ne sais quoi.
If it's decided on looks Miss Longford is going to win the Rose of Tralee contest.

Sunday, August 12, 2018

how many nazis does it take to put in a light bulb

(or "How many Baineses does it take to completely screw a country out of its ancient respect for the sanctity of life?")

My cousin Hector ( known to scholars of my work as the Phantom of the Organ Loft for his maniacal playing in Kilcullen church) sailed up Main Street, his beige gaberdine cloak billowing dramatically behind him.
Spotting me he hove about and dropped anchor.
"Maisie Baines gave your Uncle some shellacking in the Bridge magazine last week," he opined. "Did you read it?"
My face was a study.
"I am familiar with the works of the great Baines," I said which was a cautious enough response by my usual standards.
Some background for you gentle readers.
Hector's obscure hail arose because one of my Uncles had written an article in the Bridge magazine, about the slew of constant media interviews featuring former residents of Catholic Church run orphanages slandering the Church for the supposedly poor standard of care it had given them at a time when no one else in Ireland gave a toss about such people. The Uncle had posed the question as to how many of the human beings soon to be aborted following the recent referendum to legalise the killing of unborn children in Ireland would be in a position in forty years time to complain about their treatment.
Maisie Baines wrote a reply the following month, criticising the Uncle for his tone or lack thereof and expressing dismay about his article on every conceivable ground.
The only thing she ignored was the whole point of the article, ie the question at the end.
Back to Main Street.
Me n Hector n the cloak billowing.
"It was a shellacking," crowed Hector with a good deal more relish than was required.
"But what did you think of the points raised?" I ventured still quite cautious.
"It was a shellacking," grinned Hector again and I realised this was as much as I would get from him.
He saluted jauntily, upped anchor and set off into the evening.
For some reason Turner's Fighting Temeraire flashed into my mind.
I watched him go.
The answer to the question at the end of the Uncle's article, to wit how many people being aborted today because of the referendum on abortion championed by Maisie Baines and her ilk, will be around in forty years time to complain about the way they were treated, is of course none of them. because they will all have been murdered by Maisie Baines and her ilk who have just voted by referendum to legalise their slaughter.

sherlock holmes and the voice of experience

Sherlock Holmes is staying at the Chateau De Healy for a few days.
Morning finds him in the kitchen pottering over the sink.
"Where's Watson?" he muses aloud.
"In the guest room with one of the Miss Koreas," replies the Mighty Heelers looking up from his atheistic abortionist Irish Times.
"Great Scott, what are they doing?" exclaims Holmes.
"Don't worry, they're only sleeping," says me.
"Are you sure?" quoth Holmes.
"I'm bloody ******* sure," answereth I grimly.