The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Saturday, April 27, 2013

the road to wellville

Ireland's greatest living poet wanders into the Mannah health food store in Kilcullen.
His feminist cousin Pauline who runs the place is absent mindedly battering a cash register to death.
Heelers browses in the asparagus.
"What's up cuz?" quoth the feminist still hammering the cash register mercilessly.
"I'm trying to wean myself off sylphs," sez me.
"Wotchya mean?" sez Pauline.
"Those young Kraut sylphs working in the cafe," I explain. "I've gotta develop a sort o spiritual detachment to thm. I mean, what greater curse than to want that which you cannot have. Oh lumme. What an utterly depressing thing to fancy someone like that. Them and their ethereal sensual sexual luminosity. They just hang around that cafe luminousing all day and it doesn't cost them a thought. Them and their youthful beauty. To what serves youthful beauty Pauline? What has youthful beauty done for us lately? I ask you! Bah. Youthful beauty! Let's have done with it, I say."
Pauline releases the cash register and eyes me keenly.
She takes a deep breath.
She seems to be labouring under the weight of a great pression.
Finally she can restrain herself no longer.
"Are you mad?" she exclaims. "Have you completely lost the use of your mind? Youthful beauty is the business. I don't care what anyone says. Bring it on. There's a guy who comes in here called Philip and I nearly lose it when I see him. Siodhna who works with me says: What about your marriage? But this has nothing to do with marriage. I'm telling you, youthful beauty is the way to go. There's nothing like it in the world. Let's hear it for youthful beauty. It's amazing. I mean it's, it's, it's..."
For long moments my feminist cousin enthuses variously on the ineffable qualities of human beauty in general and on what she'd like to do to someone called Philip in particular.
Her intonation is a bit like that of the actress Meg Ryan in a famously juvenile fake orgasm scene from the fembo attempt at a comedy film When Harry Met Sally.
As she finishes my handsome preraphaelite features take on an unusually poignant look.
"Pauline," I murmur, " I'm trying to achieve spiritual detachment from the sylphs. You're not helping."

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

timeline to the boston bombings

November 2012: Resovietising Russian President Vladimir Putin warns the Americans that the Tsarnaev brothers, Dzokhar and Tamerlan, are Muslim Jihadis looking for a chance to bomb people to death wherever they can. The Americans ignore Putin's warnings.

February 2013: James Healy contacts the FBI's Boston Station Chief, a man publically styled Richard Deslauriers, via email warning of an uptick in Islamist activity on the streets of Boston where Healy is resident. Healy notes that having been routinely followed by Jihadis and their associates in the Chinese Triads in Dublin, he has noticed a similar monitoring of his activities by similar people in Boston. He suggests that there is ample opportunity for a sting operation whereby the FBI might follow the followers and interdict them from any Jihad murders they may be about to commit. He sends a copy of his nutty email to the CIA. Both agencies ignore it.

April 2013: The Tsarnaev brothers and their Al Qaeda unit bomb the Boston Marathon.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

are you a googlebot or a jihadi

(According to Steinvervortzel Krug Internet Monitoring Agency, the readership of this website consists entirely of googlebots and Jihadis. Which are you? Take this fun Heelers Diaries quiz and find out. Warning: Do not have sex while taking this quiz.)

1. When you read a Heelers poem, do you
(a) Immediately take an electronic photocopy of it for possible future use by the Google corporation.
(b) Scream Allah U Akbar and kill someone.

How to Rate Your Answers...
If you answered mostly a's, you are googlebot.
If you answered b's, you are a Jihadi.


Flicking through the channels on the sexavision.
I alight on MTV.
MTV is a corporate entity whose sole purpose in life is to pornogrify children into damnation.
A rather catchy song is playing.
The performance is being given by the genuinely talented Mr Huey Lewis and some of his friends who style themselves The News. They are singing their most famous hit.
The song goes as follows:

"The power of Muslims
Is a curious thing
Make a one man weep
Make another man sing
Change Sky News commentators into little white doves
That's the power
That's the power of Muslims
Nern ner ner  ner ner
Ner ner ner
First time they bomb you
It might make you mad
Second time they bomb you
It'll just make you sad
Make a bad one good
Make a wrong one right
Power of Muslims
Keeps you home at night
Don't need money
Don't need fame
Don't need no credit card to bomb this plane
All my expenses are paid for by a Saudi Princess
And an Iranian Ayatollah
And I might just take your life
That's the power of Muslims
Ner ner ner ner ner ner
Ner ne
You know they say
That all is fair in Jihad
But that's too bad
And with a little help from above
You'll feel the power of Muslims
Can you feel it
The power of Muslims
Don't need money
Don't need fame
Don't need no credit card to bomb this plane
It's vile and it's evil
And it can be cruel sometimes
And it might just take your life
That's the power of Muslims"