The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Friday, October 21, 2011

the satanic rites of the labour party

Scarcely a couple of months since the Irish Labour Party's press supremo Ron R Testicle (Dermot O'Gara surely - Ed note) warned me to cease my non existent attempts to contact any of the grots (Grotesque atheistic abortionists - Ed note) in his office, the collossal boobies of Irish socialism are back in action. That is to say the Labour Party is once more clogging up the in box on my computer with their light hearted comic stylings, sexual inuendos (Chance would be a fine thing - Ed note) and unsought contact details. I think they may live to regret their persecution of me. I have never encouraged these people. For those of you who thrilled to our earlier exchanges, I'm reprinting the latest missives here, and further down, you can read the correspondence from two months ago.

Labour Party to Heelers.
----- Forwarded Message -----
From: Labour Party <>
To: press <>
Sent: Fri, 21 Oct 2011 18:21:31 +0100 (IST)
Michael D Higgins will tomorrow, Saturday 22nd attend a number of events in
Dublin, Kildare, Laois and Westmeath.
Michael D Higgins will be accompanied on Saturday by Tanaiste and Minister
for Foreign Affairs and Trade, Eamon Gilmore TD.
*10.15 am* - RTE Radio One Presidential debate with Charlie Bird, Helix,
*12.15 pm* - Walkabout on Henry Street with Eamon Gilmore (starting at
GPO). Two of the Three Tenors, David Martin and Morgan Crawley will also
join in on the walkabout.
*1.30 pm* - Accompanied by Emmet Stagg, and Eamon Gilmore, Michael D Higgins
will visit Naas, starting at Tesco Monread and onto the Main Street (weather
*2.45 pm* - Accompanied by Jack Wall and Eamon Gilmore, Michael D Higgins
will visit Athy, and stop by the Shinty Match, Geraldine Park, Athy.
*3.45 pm* - Accompanied by Senator John Whelan and Eamon Gilmore, Michael D
Higgins will visit Portlaoise. Starting at Lyster Square, Michael D will
meet with locals.
*5.15 pm* – Labour Party Councillors, Eamon Gilmore and Michael D Higgins
will visit Athlone.
For further details:
Tony Heffernan 087 2399 508
Nora Maguire 085 737 8075


From Heelers to the Labour Party
Dear Nora.
Ah my lost treacle haired love.
I had thought from recent Labour Party correspondence that you were truly lost to me.
Apparently no such luck.
Love finds a way, eh?
You will remember that after your prior harassment of me, one of your senior Labour Party snurds, whatsisface, presumptious bloke, you know him, I don't know him because he's beneath my social class, but a sort of Mr Smithers of socialism, yes that guy, that's the one, Jack Wall's bumboy, that guy, that anonymous anodyne excresence, you couldn't miss him at a press conference or a Labour Party encounter group, never had an original thought in his life, yeah him, oh, Ron R Testicle, that's it, well that guy (Are you sure that's his name? I really think it's Dermot O'Gara - Ed note) that guy whatever his name is even had the gall to issue a frivolous contrived pseudo legalistic instruction to me that I was to cease what he fallaciously, indeed maliciously, dared to call my attempts to contact YOU.
As if such had ever existed Nora.
The traffic has all been one way.
Hasn't it?
I mean: Hasn't it bitch?
I have spent the past five years responding to your and the Labour Party's repeated emails by telling each and every one one of you to f--k off.
I may once have inadvertently texted you about the possibility of a tumble in the hay after you forced your mobile phone number on me.
Do you remember Nora?
Do you remember how you bounded up the mountain path like a startled atheistic abortionist fawn into the arms of that manly Labour Party press officer Dermot O'Gara (Ron R Testicle surely - Ed note) who promptly and peremptorily and ridiculously and unnecessarily emailed me telling me to leave you alone.
Ah memories.
But we were younger men then Nora darling.
Now listen cee word.
You are a persistent little atheistic abortionist dickens, aren't you?
But listen.
Even a damned dessicated dirty Maoist ape like Michael D Higgins can't be anxious for the sort of publicity, he'll get from me.
Stop contacting me, bitch.
I don't want to hear from you, bitch.
I don't want to hear about the public appearance schedules for your walking corpse of a Presidential candidate Michael D Higgins, bitch.
I don't want to hear from you or any of your fellow atheistic abortionist bitches in the Labour Party about any topic whatsoever.
You're going to have to abort Ireland without my assistance.
For the last time.
Delete my address from your computers you despicable incompetent Marxian pieces of shite.
Respectfully yours,
James Healy
PS: You're starting to annoy me.

dances with lefties

Attention: James Healy, journalist.
From: Michael D Higgins public relations officer, Irish Parliament (Dail Eireann).
Michael D will be attending a reception at Newbridge College where he will recite some his latest poems this afternoon from 2pm.
Please contact me if you have any questions.
Heelers to Nora Maguire.
Nora please stop informing me of diary arrangements for you and your coterie of atheistic abortionist anti Catholic bastards.
My only interest in Michael D Higgins is how he will conduct himself on Judgement Day.
Hint: Not the Judgement Day with Arnold Schwarzeneggar in it.
Pro Catholic Smiles from
James Healy
PS: You evil Nazi bitch.
----- Forwarded Message -----
From: Nora Maguire <>
Sent: Tue, 26 Jul 2011 10:11:45 +0100 (IST)
Subject: Re: attention Nora
Dear James,
Thank you for your kind email.
Best wishes,
Attention Nora
Nora Maguire <>
May you burn in hell Nora.
You and Michael D Higgins and all who sail in your dessicated atheistic abortionist contrareceiving divorcenik life in test tubes ship.
You shower of useless c--ts.
Pro Catholic Smiles.
James Healy
PS: Did I already call you an evil Nazi bitch?
PPS: Am I really the sort of person the Labour Party should be inviting to its press conferences?
PPPS: You evil Nazi bitch. (Just in case I forgot before.)
Heelers to Nora.
On checking my files I have just discovered that Nora is a girl's name. Please disregard my former boorishness. Hurray for abortions. Kill all the test tube babies you like. Come on the Labour Party. And are you free for coffee on Saturday at 3pm. I'll see you at Starbucks on Dawson Street, for tea, crumpets and a cunning twist in the plot.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

all the president's kleptocrats

The falsified opinion polls being used by anti Catholic media groups to reduce the Irish people to farm animals in the selection of Ireland's next President, have taken a new turn.
The media are no longer pretending that the worn out abortionist Marxist atheist Michael D Higgins is the front runner.
It was too ridiculous a claim.
No one believed it.
Instead they've come up with a new lie.
One they think will be more credible.
They now put the kleptocratic Fianna Fail super thief Sean Gallagher as the runaway front runner.
The media reckon we're all itching to vote for a Fianna Fail member who used his position on State Boards to give State grants to his own worthless inevitably doomed business ventures.
Hoo baby.
We're all just queueing up to vote for one of those.
Come back Denis O'Brien all is forgiven.
By the by, Denis O'Brien is the invidiously corrupt businessman who bribed the invidiously corrupt former Fine Gael government Minister Michael Lowry to give him a mobile phone licence for a few millon quid when the licence was actually worth around a billion.
But I digress.
Sean Gallagher, late of Fianna Fail, claims to be an Independent candidate.
Apparently he resigned from the National Executive of Fianna Fail a full five minutes ago.
Ireland will not vote for him.
We deserve better.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

what's at stake

Anti Catholic media groups, namely Independent Newspapers, the Irish Times and RTE have been telling the Irish people that the lifelong atheistic abortionist Maoist Communist anti Catholic Michael D Higgins is the front runner in our country's Presidential race.
I believe their opinion polls have been frankly faked.
In their desperation to sabotage the political campaigns of the Christian Dana Rosemary Scallon and the non establishment candidate Martin McGuinness, they are perpetrating the most ridiculous lies.
Their initial poll which had Michael D Higgins just three points clear of Martin McGuinness would in any case be a statistical dead heat if you believed even for a moment that the pollsters hadn't exaggerated Michael D Higgins' support by a factor of ten percent.
Let me put aside my distaste for Michael D Higgins' despicable moral values.
Let me forget for a moment his unrepentant lifetime spent trying to secure the victory of Atheistic Communism in Ireland and worldwide.
Let me speak solely to his Presidentiality, ie how he looks.
He just doesn't look like he's going to win.
He already looks like a beaten man.
Resentful, washed out, and ever sneering.
Ironic, eh?
After a lifetime of hatred for the beautiful truths of Christianity, he stands before us seeking the votes of Christians for the highest office in the land.
If I know anything about politcs, there is no way the Irish people will vote for him.
He will get a bare ten percent of the vote.
I say more.
If Michael D Higgins is elected President of the Republic of Ireland, I will make a personal donation of ten thousand dollars to a charity to be chosen by the readers of the Heelers Diaries.
And you know what else folks.
I'm never wrong.


Footnote 1: A few years ago Heelers bet several thousand dollars on John McCain to win the American Presidency. Last year he bet a similar amount on ephin David Cameron to win the British general election with a clear outright majority. When Heelers says he is never wrong, he means it in the egomaniacal megalomaniac blofeldian sense of that term. Sort of like Zoltar in Battle Of The Planets making his last minute getaway in an escape pod as yet another of his robotic giant octopusses comes within an ace of destroying the earth for the fiftieth week in a row, and shouting back at his enemies: "Nyah ha ha G-Force. I have defied you again. Soon I will destroy you all."
Footnote 2: Why didn't Zoltar ever take a week off and then come back the following week with TWO giant octopusses? Or how about a month off and then attacking the earth with four octopusses?
Footnote 3: Damned be he who first cries octopie.
Footnote 4: Why didn't G-Force just laugh in Zoltar's face when he was making his weekly getways? Why didn't Mark shout after him: "We've just beaten you for the fiftieth week in a row you f--ken gobbaloon."

an autumn storm at kilcullen

the evening concerto has begun
sweeping through twilight from the fields
a masterwork of music at random
rain drums on windowsill and eaves
its off note lyric rhapsody in grey
as squalls lust gustily in sprays
a bullocks bells forlorn out of sight
light sound shadow harmonise
at once a dreary monotone of night
at once a heady gloriole of praise
that says it all about this place
it's torn me in my love and hate for it
village prison earthly paradise
small town insensate to my spirit
oh universe in me and i in it