The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Friday, August 02, 2019

dingbats dictionary

Biccans: Followers of Bicca, devotees of Bitchcraft, sometimes known as Bitches, and normally to be found working in cafes frequented by James Healy.

Death Penalty: Law introduced in Ireland in the year 2018 by Prime Minister Leo Varadkar targetting unborn children who have committed the High Crime and Misdemeanour of daring to exist.

Fons Et Origo: Initiating source of a continuing trend, ie Happy Days was the Fonz Et Origo of television comedy.

Slander: Method of historical criticism used by Catherine Corless to incite hatred against the Catholic Church. Her entire contribution to the study of Irish history is contained in a single mendacious baseless proposition falsely alleging without any evidence whatsoever that nuns put dead babies in sewerage tanks in 1920s era orphanages. This form of Slander has become the keynote of successive Fine Gael governments in Ireland led by Enda Kenny and Leo Varadkar,as well as the lynchpin analytic of the most anti Catholic media groups in Europe all based in Ireland, to wit the Irish Times, Independent Newspapers and RTE. Government and its attendant media groups in Ireland use catchall slanders a la Corless, of past generations to prevent present generations from noticing the charnel house of promiscuity, condom culture, abortion, suicide, elder abuse, child abuse, drug use, murder, gangsterism, torture, satanism and er, slander, which these same governments and their attendant media groups have transformed Ireland into today. The institutionalisation of Slander (slander of the past in general and the Catholic Church in particular) as a formal instrument of public policy, has been copper fastened and given a veneer of what passes for respectability in our narco mafia State, by the former air hostess now Labour Party apparatchik, Judge Yvonne Murphy (the Roland Freisler of the Irish Republic) whose repeated show trial style reports purporting to investigate the Catholic Church represent nothing so much as an indictment of herself and all those who have acquiesced to her bigoted manipulations in order to stampede the peasantry away from the ancient faith and into quiescent atheistic pornographeyed servitude.

The Number Of The Beast: Biblically derived cipher indicating limitless evil concentrated in a personnage to wit "Let him who hath knowledge calculate the number of the beast for the number of the beast is the number of a man and that number is (045) 897302. Anybody calling from outside Ireland should add the international access prefix (00353) before dialling."

Thursday, August 01, 2019

from a brief history of popular music


The pace of reform within the music industry seemed unstoppable.
Everywhere respect for the person was blooming regardless of looks or shapeliness.
The biggest star to join the revolution was perhaps Michael Jackson who outdid all others in non judgemental casting policies by hiring fairly decrepit members of streetgangs for his Beat It video and dead people for Thriller.
This was the final straw for the ageing perverts of the record companies politbureau.
They sent in the tanks.
Or more precisely, they sent in a new pop group called the Bangles which featured as its line up Susannah Hoffs and three main battle tanks, an Abrams, a Sherman and a T34.
Some historians claim that there were no actual tanks in the Bangles, that they didn't massacre anybody, and that the line up was Susannah Hoffs, a war hammer, the back of a bus, and Lars Ulrich respectively.
The point is moot.
As more and more recording artists had begun making non sexy videos. the politbureau unleashed the Bangles and soon the tide of human dignity within performance art was reversed.
Susannah Hoffs' bum wiggle devastated the whole nascent idea of respect for  the person as a keynote in popular music video culture.
Bum wiggles from sensually arrayed performers were once more the order of the day.
The ingeniousness of the policy was that the Bangles were also accomplished musicians and a superlative performing group.
The sex kittenish qualities of Susannah Hoffs were of course just the vanguard of the politbureau backlash.
In Albania a louche sensualist styling herself Madonna Ciccone was appointed President for life.
(LA surely? - Ed note)
Ordinary looking people all but disappeared overnight from pop music videos though there is no proof that the Bangles or Madonna actually killed them.
The Hag Spring was over.
As Cyndi Lauper was led away in chains to begin a new career managing wrestling tournaments, she turned to the camera and delivered a short message to her fans.
"Do not fear," she said. "The not so good looking people will come out again."
That was thirty long years ago and it still hasn't happened.

Wednesday, July 31, 2019

from a brief history of popular music


The Hag Spring quickly caught on, spreading like wild fire through the up to now dessicatingly sleazoid ranks of the record industry.
Pat Benatar was the first major artist to join Cyndi Lauper's revolution, insisting on casting plain people in her videos regardless of the perceived commercial risk.
Here was a particularly notable convert to the idea of not objectifying the human form for profit, since Pat Benatar herself was tolerably good looking, in fact an Aroogah, and didn't share the possible underhand motive which cynics attributed to Cyndia Lauper in using plain people simply to make herself look good.
Critics of Pat Benatar pointed out that her video for Stop Using Sex As A Weapon was itself paradoxically quite a sexy video while that her deeply felt principles about not exploiting the female form didn't prevent her from looking a million dollars in every performance.
But Pat Benatar had taken the revolution a step further. She not only cast plain women in her videos, she also hired men who were not conventionally good looking.
The ratty faced guy bossing the prozzers in We Are Young was a masterstroke and kudos flowed in.  Those nay sayers who argued that Pat Benatar was casting unattractive males because she was inherently feministically hostile to the male gender, were drowned out in the furore of approval.
Meanwhile the sleazoid record company politbureau were watching from the shadows.
They hadn't gone anywhere.
They were merely biding their time for a crackdown.

new verses for an old carol

The classc first verse with some suggested additions. It's meant to be a teaching carol but also fun to sing...

God rest ye merry gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay
Remember Christ our saviour
Was born on Christmas day
To save us all from satan's power
When we had gone astray
Oh tidings of comfort and joy
Comfort and joy
Oh tidings of comfort and joy.

God bless ye mischievous little boys
Your joy is in the morn
This is the day when Christ the Lord
Our saviour was born
Your lives will sing in praise of him
Your hopes, your tears, your play
Oh tidings of valour and faith
Valour and faith
Oh tidings of valour and faith

God grace ye village maidens
You are a joy of life
The holy one of Israel
Is with us here tonight
You are the crown of his creation
On this holy day
Oh tidings of spirit and grace
Spirit and grace
Oh tidings of spirit and grace

God pat ye woolly cats and dogs
Let no man pull your tails
A Christmas with the animals
Is joyous without fail
The Lord has made you cuddly so
All creation sings in praise
Oh tidings of woofs and meyows
Woofs and meyows
Oh tidings of woofs and meyows