sensational exclusive preview of forthcoming tyson fury anthony joshua fight programme

Venue: Burj Al Arab entertainment centre.

8am: Weigh in and shoot out with Hutch gang IRA assassins disguised as Bedouin.

9am: Press conference with both fighters in attendance. Followed by revenge shoot out by the Kinahan IRA gang against the Hutch gang. The Kinahans will be disguised as hasidic Jews.

10am: Tyson Fury formally thanks mobster Daniel Kinahan for organising the fight. Reporters have been shown a preview of the thank you speech, the highligh of which goes: "I want to thank Daniel Kinahan for all he's done in organising this fight and in the fight for Irish freedom. Thanks to him IRA gangs are now free to sell drugs to children, teenagers and adults in Ireland. Thanks to him IRA gangs are free to traffic mobsters and Jihadis into Ireland. Thanks to him Kinahan gang and Hutch gang low life hold sway in towns, villages, and cities all over Ireland. Thanks to him the IRA child abuse division has created a worldwide industry through Eoin Eric Marques and his Daddy's website with torture murder, snuff, and rape movies distributed around the globe from Ireland. It's a top clas industry based in Ireland  and we owe it all to Daniel Kinahan."

11am: Shoot out involving other IRA splinter groups and IRA Tinker clan gangs who have been feeling left out these past few years during all the publicity the Kinahan gang and the Hutch gang have been getting for their (tame enough by IRA Tinker standards) feud.

12 midday: Tyson Fury will thank the Cali Cartel, the Zetas, MS 13, Cosa Nostra, Al Qaeda, Nigerian devil worship rings, Pablo Escobar, Legs Diamond, Big Jim Colosimo and Al Capone for helping make him what he is.

1pm. Promoter Eddie Hearn will have lunch with reporters and will thank all those junkies addicted to Kinahan's drugs who have financed this 200 million dollar sporting extravaganza.

2pm: Daniel Kinahan will thank the Irish police and IRA infiltrated Judiciary and courts service for not bothering to jail him. He will also thank the nation styling itself the United Arab Emirates for providing his drug dealing, people trafficking, chilld abusing, murder gang with an international headquarters and a place to have a swim.

2.pm: Tyson Fury thanks Bug Moran, Bugsy Siegal, Bugsy Malone and Bugs Bunny.

2.30pm: Tyson Fury retracts his thanks to Bugsy Malone, explaining himself thusly: "What was I thinking? Bugsy Malone is not a real mobster. He's an actor. Remember he played Scott Baio in the movie Scott Baio, the kiddies gangster film. It has a song. How did it go again? Oh yes. He's a sinner, candy coated. To all of his friends he always seems to be in Ohio. But they love him... Scott Baio... Hard talking Scott Baio makes his mind up. Don't mess with Scott Baio or you'll wind up, wishing you'd  left well enough alone. He's a man, he's a mountain, he's a rolling stone. And when you end up sad and lonely, I don't know why oh why oh why oh. Everybody loves that man. Scott Baio... Derdle der der derdle der der."

3pn. Undercard. First bout. Cock fight between Cluckers McGee and Roger Rooster for the undisputed WBC bantam weight title of the world. Classy.

4pm: Dog fight between a random Hutch and a random Kinahan dragged in off the street.

5pm: Mongoose versus a rattle snake.

6pm: Preying mantis versus an aphid.

7pm: Tyson Fury formally thanks satan for helping make this event happen.

8pm: Celebrity interviews. Woman's boxing champion Katie Taylor will announce formally that her father has no ties to the Hutch gang or to the Kinahan gang or to any other IRA skang gang currently dealing drugs, committing murder, trafficking muslims or abusing children in Ireland. The Irish national fraudcaster RTE will be filming the interview as part of another of their souful documentaries about how unconnected to mobsters Katie Taylor is.

8.30pm: The Big Build Up. Singer Sinead O'Connor will sing the new Irish national anthem, The Blood Spattered Banner, which goes:
"Oh say can you see
By the drug dealer's street light
A debauched generation
In the canabinoid's last gleaming.
And the terror we shared
The next generation ensnared
Confirming unto all
That the IRA is still there.
Oh say do those blood spattered killers
Still practice their extortions
In the land of the sex changes
And the home of the abortions."

9pm: The Main Event. Tyson Fury versus Anthony Joshua. Referee Gerry Adams. Judges: Don  King, Bob Arum, and Donald Trump.

11pm: Tyson Fury will thank Osama Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein and Muammur Qadaffi for giving him the inspiration to keep thanking mobsters when he's already made a complete goober of himself. (cf Goober And The Ghost Chasers.)

12 midnight: Party with music by a mafia houseband styling themselves The Fun Loving Criminals. The band's repertoire will consist solely of the song "La da dee la da da dee, free John Gotti, la, da, dee, la, da da dee, free John Gotti, he's the king of New York man, the king of New York," played over and over again, while Tyson Fury thanks Idi Amin, and the guests projectile vomit their way through an a la carte menu, all this vile celebration of evil just another glittering evening in the history of the beautiful sport of mobster controlled boxing.

avenue

"I'm devastated," she said. "There's nothing left. Everything is destroyed."
All the foliage of the avenue like a mantle about us could not hide the unbridgeable chasm of her grief.
"Here," I said. "Walk with me for a minute. I'll try not to give you the corona virus."
I led her through the garden.
We stood before the forked trunks of what had been a magnificent Mulberry tree.
Now just a little above the height of a man.
Like a giant hand beckoning.
"Look at this," I said. "It was forty feet tall. A most beautiful tree. I cut it down in September. I thought I'd killed it. I left the trunks as a kind of statue. Look, look. My dead dreams, My lost soul. My broken heart. My ruined hopes. Look at this. Look. Look at all the green shoots. Look as the green leavess sprouting where I thought everything was dead. Look at the green buds of new branches. Everywhere. Everywhere the tree is coming alive. New growth. Everywhere my dreams are stirring. Everywhere my lost hopes renew themselves. Everywhere my broken heart is healed. Everywhere my soul is restored again more vital, more glorious than before because this moment owns all moments and this moment is now. That's the way God made trees. It's the way he made souls. It's the way he made you."

an open letter to ireland's prime minister leo varadkar

Prime Minister.
Sorry for my contributions to public discourse during the recent corona virus kabookie.
In the heat of the moment harsh words were spoken.
I'm not even sure now who did what or who said what.
Which of us legalised the murder of unborn children?
Which of us called the corona virus the flu?
It's all gotten a bit mixed up.
Faults on both sides no doubt.
(Although I will never acquiesce to the murder of unborn children.)
I'm sending you Robert Whitaker's book Anatomy Of An Epidemic as a peace offering.
It's about the colonisation of the medical profession by pharmaceutical companies, and the wrongful dispensing of substances styled anti depressants on the false pretext that they rectify brain chemistry.
The book contains the best summary of the issues and evidence that I have encountered.
People are not mad Mr Varardkar.
We're just insufferable.
It's a different malady.
We need to recognise the dignity of mental pain and develop coherent modes of addressing it.
This will take effort, insight, wisdom and courage Prime Minister.
I think you can do it.
James Healy

creating job opportunities in irish broadcasting

Joe Duffy, presenter of the daily RTE radio programme Liveline or some such thing, spent the 1970s and 1980s running the Union of Students in Ireland on behalf of the drug dealing, people trafficking, child abusing, IRA terrorist mafia.
This fact should compel him to resign from RTE or should compel RTE to fire him and hire me.
Oh come on folks.
RTE, Ireland's national fraudcaster, financed by compulsory taxation on the citizenry, creates about one prime time broadcasting job every fifty years.
Sometimes they need a little push.
Sometimes you gotta give these atheistic abortionist Maoist Rahmen like Joe Duffy a little encouragement to get off the toilet.
Slander is the only thing they understand.
Back in 1970 (which was the last time RTE actually created a job) Sharon Ni Bheolain got the position as main evening news reader by slandering the incumbent newsreader Brian Dobson with vicious unsubstantiated claims that he's a man and that his retention of the job of main evening news reader which he was actually quite good at, was an affront to all women.
At least my slander about Joe Duffy working for the IRA for two decades subverting student politics in Ireland has the merit of being true.
I mean I don't want to go casting no aspoyshuns.
Sigh.

the eagle has landed deleted scene

Radl: "Who is that oddly likeable super tough Fallschirmjager Colonel?"

Dorfman: "Zat is ObersturmbannfuhrerMichael Caine."

Radl: "What do you know about him?"

Dorfman: "He is the son of  an American heiress and Michael Caine."

Radl: "Ah. Zat explains why he speaks perefect English."

Dorfman: "No. He speaks English like Michael Caine."

Radl: "Well, he'll have to do."

the story of my argument with shakespeare

Shakespeare: "Fame is the spur."

James Healy: "No. I'm nearly sure it's ridies."


(In conversation with Plavka Coleridge's first cousin Sheila Shakespeare.)

the eagle has landed director's cut

Hitler: Vere is Churchill?

Radle: Vee did not get him, Mein Fuhrer.

Hitler: Ach! Bawls!

Radl: Fallschirmjager Colonel Michael Caine failed to get him.

Hitler: Zat guy was useless. I kept expecting him to say: "You bloody fool George." Why was that?

Radl: It was a line in a little known Neil Jordan film.

Hitler: All Neil Jordan films are little known, are zey not?

Radl: Ha, ha. Good one Mein Fuhrer. But the Americanishcer imperialists did give Neil Jordan a big budget once for a film called High Spirits which had wide distribution.

Hitler: What happened?

Radl: He spent it.

Hitler: And ze film?

Radl: It waas a slaughter. Neil Jordan's sole accomplishment in that movie was to make the eminently likeable imperialst Americanishcher actor Steve Guttenberg unlikeable.

Hitler: Ah Steve Guttenberg. He was great as Mahoney in Police Academy.

Radl: Yes. Ze best bit was when he went to Commandant Lassard to ask for permission to withdraw from the course. And Commandant Lassarde opens his file and says: "You can't quit. There's a note on your file that says your father has requested you be compelled to complete the course." And Mahoney says: "So I'm a prisoner here?" And Commandant Lassarde says: "We all are."

Hitler: Yes, zat was a great bit.