Sitting in a cafe about 5pm as the shades of evening engulf Main Street.
A thought strikes me.
What day is this?
It can't be Christmas day.
That was a few weeks ago and I distinctly remember shouting "bah humbug" at a passing Clarke to mark the occasion.
But there's something.
I check the date on my mobile phone.
Good heavens.
It's my birthday.
"No one remembered my birthday," I murmur, "not even me."
I find the elegaic self pity so delightful that I cannot help smiling.
The ghost of Frank Sinatra appears by my table and begins singing his classic version of Evin Drake's classic song thusly:
"When I was 17
It was a very good year
A very good year for small town girls
And soft Summer nights
We'd hide from the lights
On village greens
When I was 17
Ner ner ner ner ner
Ner ner nerdle nerdle ner
When I was 21
It was a very good year
A very good year for city girls
Who lived up the stairs
With all that perfumed hair
And it came undone
When I was 21
Ner ner ner ner ner ner
Ner ner nerdle nerdle ner
When I was 35
It was a very good year
A very good year for blue blooded girls of independent means
We'd ride in limousines
Their chauffeurs would drive
When I was 35
Ner ner ner ner ner ner
Ner ner nerdle nerdle ner
But now the days are short
I'm in the Autumn of the year
And now I think of my life as fine old wine
From vintage kegs
From the brim to the dregs
It poured sweet and clear
It was a very good year
Ner ner ner ner ner
Ner ner nerdle nerdle ner."
It's an evocative song by anyone's lights really.
Poignancy that's what it's got.
Particularly the nerdle ner bits.
And Frank Sinatra sings it like no one else could.
Still I couldn't resist making a few wry comments to the ghost of that same Frank Sinatra.
"Thanks for the thought but it's not really a great song for my birthday," I said tongue in cheek. "For a start you seem to have spent every period of your life womanising. Mine was a bit less action packed. By the way, what did Mia Farrow, Ava Gardner, Barbara Marx and Nancy Barbato, your wives I mean, think of all those girls? Or were your wives the girls? Anyway the song could do with a few larfs. I thought you should have put in a lyric to rhyme with the blue blooded girls in limousines along the lines of 'this bit gets obscene.' And I can't help feeling sorry for the poor chauffeurs. Also the part about dregs you could have had a rhyme there with something like 'she had magnificent legs.' Don't get me wrong. These are mere quibbles. To be honest I liked it a lot."
"You think you could do better?" asked Frank Sinatra sharpish.
"Well if I was doing a novelty music video in aid of charity," I mused thoughtfully, "I'd play it for laughs. I'd dress as Frank Sinatra. So it's intended to reference your life rather than mine. Let's see. How would it go."
I sang to the ghost of Frank Sinatra in the cafe as follows.
"When I was 17
I joined a very good mafia
We'd shoot ya or beat ya
Just to have a laugh at ya
Dealing drugs, controlling prostitutes and all manner of evil things
We called it Cosa Nostra
And we wore diamond rings
When I was 17
Ner ner ner ner ner
Ner ner nerdle nerdle ner
When I was 21
We assassinated a very good American President
On behalf of a Don
Who was working for the Russians
The commies wanted it done
When I was 21
Ner ner ner ner ner
Ner ner nerdle nerdle ner
When I was 35
Our gang really began to thrive
Shipping heroin all over the world
Like ants in a bee hive
We were men of means
We rode in limousines
It was all so obscene
And all the junkies died
When I was 35
Ner ner ner ner ner
Ner ner nerdle nerdle ner
Frank Frank hey Frank where are you going?"
But the ghost of Frank Sinatra had left the building
Alone once more amid the crowd of evening cafe quaffers, I crooned a little ditty just for myself.
It went:
"When I was oh about 10
I had a very good hen
Her name was Mildred
And she came with a bunch of her kindred
To lay eggs by the hundred
We'd have to search in the hay to find them
When I was in or around 10
Ner ner ner ner ner
Ner ner nerdle nerdle ner
When I was 17
I had a sheepdog called Jess
She had one foible which I must confess
She liked to bite my cousin Vinnie
Because she thought he was a ninnie
The dog biting my cousin was a regularly recurring comic scene
When I was 17
Ner ner ner ner ner
Ner ner nerdle nerdle ner
When I was 33
I found a wild dog called Glen
Who was all but unreachable for other men
But he became my friend
And gilded my life
We'd visit lonely people at night
The wild old wolf had become so kind
And he'd bring joy to me
When I was 33
Ner ner ner ner ner
Ner ner nerdle nerdle ner
When I was 42
I had a hamster called Hammy
She would never bite
Even if my fingers were jammy
Love in a species of rat was an unexpected feature
But there was such dignity in the creature
And once she helped a sad child discover the goodness of life too
I saw it happen
It's really true
When I was 42
Ner ner ner ner ner
Ner ner nerdle nerdle ner
Now as Winter gets near
Let's not go crazy here
I insist it's still as much Summer
As any other time of year
For every season has Summer in it
Since God put us here
And Spring Summer Autumn Winter
Mystically understood
Every year is good
Yes every year is a very good year
A very good year"
