The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Saturday, July 18, 2009

chateau life

Evening at the Chateau De Healy.
Ireland's greatest living poet is in the kitchen making coffee.
Enter Doctor Barn stage left.
He slaps me on the back jovially.
"Ha Heelers," he cries. "I'm starting to enjoy that blog of yours."
The noble Heelers motions him to be careful.
"Watch out," I warn, "you nearly killed Ireland's greatest living hamster when you slapped me there."
"What are you talking about?"
"What about her?"
"She's up my jumper. Another inch to the left and you'd have splotched her."
The goodish Doctor rolled his eyes.
I brought the conversation back to more salient realms.
"What do you mean you like the blog?" sez I.
Daktari grinned.
"I liked that comment the lad left asking do you wear a silver tin foil hat," quoth he.
"You like the pejorative comments?" enquireth me.
The Doc nodded.
"Yeah," sez he. "You should print more of those. They give me something to cheer for."

a rum one

Uncle Jim called to the house to bring the Mammy communion.
I sat in the front room with them.
As they prayed I imagined I could see the lamb of God elevated between them.
This was imagination.
The lamb had a banner which trailed down around the Mammy and Uncle Jim.
I imagined I could hear the phrase: "My banner over you is love."
The phrase comes from The Song Of Songs.
After the prayers were finished we talked for a few hours about God.
All this time the phrase "My banner over you is love," kept popping into my head.
I kept imagining I could see the lamb of God between them.
Eventually Uncle Jim left and the Mammy went to bed.
I opened the Bible at random.
Immediately my eye fell on the words:
"My banner over you is love."


(Our weekly chess puzzle.)
*************************Adolf Schweinhund versus Iosef Visarionivich.
Berlin 1939.
Black thinks he's coasting on his extra piece. But White found a way to spoil the expected outcome. Can you spot it?
Solution: Schweinhund invaded Poland, and the game had to be abandoned. In fact there were no more chess games for the next six years. After the war the International Chess Federation formally outlawed the strategy of invading Poland which it deemed to be unfair.

Friday, July 17, 2009

our television listings

(The Irish national fraudcaster.)
4.25 Murder She Wrote. Jessica retires from crime solving and takes up gardening. Unfortunately there's a murder while she's attending a gardening convention. I don't know. Either that woman is jinxed or she's doing the murders herself.
5.20 Hachuant. I mean Nuacht.
5.30 The Bill. Officer Okarno has to be restrained by Tony and Roger after a violent outburst. Who are these people?
6.00 The Angelus. RTE's bell ringing sop to believing Christians.
6.01 News And Weather. Hint: The news will be from an anti Catholic atheistic left wing perspective, and the weather will be raining.
7.00 Nationwide. Also known as The Daily Blah.
7.30 The Reel Deal. Traditional music for masochists.
8.00 Eastenders. Corrrrrr blimey. So many cor blimeys. The only thing missing is Andrea Corr. Cor blimey.
8.30 Rachel Allen: Bake! Half baked more like. This week, yoghurt cake.
9.00 News. More from those lovable atheistic abortionist fembo commie pinko divorcenik contrareceiving condom culturist newsreaders. In case you missed it two hours ago.
9.30 The Boys And Girl From County Clare. Unwatchable comedy film from 2003 made with National Lottery and tax payers funding. Meaning I financed it, against my will. Andrea Corr stars. She should be in Eastenders. See above.
11.05 Sinatra: A Song For The FBI. Documentary about Led Zeppelin's darker side.
12.05 Head In The Clouds. Film drama from 2004. Recommended viewing by the Irish Times television critic. Do you need to hear more? It's time we all started watching the BBC instead. You get a better class of left wing atheist abortionist fembo commie pinko divorcenik contrareceiving condom culturist at the Beeb.
2.05 Monk. Monk pits his wits against a psychotic chess grand master. I kid you not. That's the plot. He only solves the crime minutes from the end when Jessica Fletcher returns from her gardening convention and helps him out.
3.00 Telly Bingo. RTE's weighted hint that it's time for bed.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

facile insolence towards the famous

i was reading WH Auden
writing about the death of WB Yeats
not bad said i with a weary smile
for i was in the mood to disparage the dead greats
it hurts them not
but it helps to pass the time

not bad said i with a short laugh
and it seemed a strange and fitting epitaph
for two considered king of the road
when knickerbockers were considered
a la mode

perhaps i should temper my vain exultancy
with some dull reference to their immortality
but i don't think that applies
the great poet strives and self promotes and dies
his flesh his verse his bones
consign to ground
i'm not a great poet
but i'm still around

primera air's statement

The Irish Times has been playing catch up on the Primera Air story.
A day after the incident was fully reported in the Daily Mail, the Irish Times finally got around to mentioning it.
Well done there Bolshevicks.
The story concerns a Primera Air passenger jet whose pilot inexplicably and without warning plunged his aircraft from 38,000 feet to 20,000 feet and buzzed restricted airspace over the G8 summit.
Although his flying pattern was inconsistent he appeared to be making for Rome.
At Rome, President Barack Obama's plane was preparing to take off.
I suggest that the Primera Air pilot was fully aware of the presence of Air Force One at Rome and wished at the very least to create a security scare.
At the worst he intended to ram it.
He failed to respond to all initial air traffic control attempts to contact him.
This b-st-rd should never be let fly again.
The Irish Times found a woman passenger who was on the flight and who claimed she only got worried when someone seated behind her started praying.
Ah yes, Irish Times.
Those evil Catholics are at it again.
Scaring everyone with their superstitious prayers.
I believe the woman quoted by the Irish Times is an absolute miserable lying hound and is in no way representative of the mood among passengers on the Primera Air flight.
I believe anyone who says they were not terrified to the point of death by being in a jet plane which suddenly inexplicably and without warning plunged from 38,000 feet to 20,000 feet and then pursued an erratic course towards the city of Rome while ignoring air traffic control warnings and being pursued by Typhoon fighter jets, anybody who claims they weren't worried in those circumstances, anyone at all, is being mendacious in the extreme.
The Irish Times reportage did not once mention Al Qaeda, Muslim terrorists, or the peace loving religion of Islam.
Bloody marvellous cultural sensitivity there.
Doesn't do to upset the punters.
Might affect their attitude to the Hijab.
Or the Jilbab.
Or the Burka.
Or whatever item of personal attire the Irish Times believes Muslims are entitled to force women to wear.
It's all about Hijabs isn't it Irish Times?
But I digress.
The Irish Times is going out of business and we will have less to worry about their slanted anti American pro Islamist snivelling terrorist appeasing Bolshevised Bolshite reporting in the future.
And Primera Air has issued a statement on its pilot's inexplicably erratic flying which is of course reported in the same Irish Times.
The statement does not answer any of the important questions about the terror incident.
The Primera Air statement claims that its pilot was instructed by air traffic controllers to land at Naples. (Presumably after his inexplicable plunge from 38,000 feet to 20,000 feet, and presumably after he started answering his radio again.)
The Primera Air statement claims that the pilot insisted on landing at Rome because the runway at Naples airport wasn't long enough. (The runway at Naples airport isn't long enough? Really? That will be news to the Neapolitans and to anyone who has ever flown to Naples for a holiday. But then maybe the unspecified, indeed legendary, technical fault on this Primera jet necessitated a very very very long runway which just happened to have Air Force One parked nearby.)
The Primera Air statement does not make clear whether its pilot intended to ram Air Force One or not.
The Primera Air statement does not make clear whether Allah U Akbar is company policy or not.
The Primera Air statement claims that "maintenance" was carried out on the plane at Rome.
I find this statement unsatisfactory for the reasons stated in my previous article about this matter.
As an Irish citizen I want Primera Air prevented from using any Irish airport again.
As a citizen of Europe I want Primera Air excluded from Europe.
As a citizen of the planet earth I want Primera Air excluded from flying anywhere over the planet earth.
And I want the captain of this plane to do jail time for his inexplicable, and thus far unexplained, act of terrorism against his own passengers.
Hey Primera Air.
What... Is.... His... Name...


There is no swine flu epidemic.
The UN has declared a swine flu epidemic because UN staffers like declaring epidemics.
In Britain the authorities now claim 16 people have died of swine flu.
The figure is hugely deceptive.
Of the 16, at least 13 were already near death due to other unspecified conditions.
Yes, the authorities actually admit that the 13 had serious underlying conditions before they got swine flu.
It is a mystery why the authorities are not revealing exactly what underlying conditions those 13 people were suffering from.
But clearly they were very very sick.
The same 13 people who those same authorities claim died of swine flu were already on the edge of death before they got swine flu.
Even the most recent three deaths may also have been caused by other factor not entirely related to swine flu.
In the absence of complete disclosure we simply have no way of knowing.
Here is the news.
Vested interests are trying to convince the general public that there is a flu epidemic and that flu vaccinations are a necessity.
By vested interests I mean pharmaceutical companies and their allies in the political and administrative (UN) spheres.
If these vested interests fail to convince people to get vaccinated and to take flu remedy medication, then the profits on those vaccinations and flu remedy products will simply collapse.
It's time for the pharmaceutical companies to start working for a living instead of pursuing a business model based on convincing us we need medications for every aspect of daily life from the common cold to feeling a bit depressed.

Listen folks.
If you're worried about getting the flu...
Wrap up well.
Get a full night's sleep.
Eat proper meals.
Switch off the television.
Develop a hobby.
Get some exercise.
Write an email.
Set up a blog.
Visit Rome.
And go to church.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

the gatherer in the garden

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

darkness visible

The following story was brought into the public domain by The Daily Mail.
At the weekend the pilot of a Dublin bound Primera Air passenger jet flying over Italy suddenly altered height, plunging his plane from 38,000 feet to 20,000.
On board were 148 Irish passengers who were returning from a holiday on a Greek island.
They had booked the holiday with Irish firm Budget Travel.
The pilot of the passenger jet having inexplicably and without warning changed alititude, now drastically altered his course direction and flew towards the site of the G8 meeting in the town of Aquila.
The pilot did not respond to air traffic control communications.
The pilot continued to alter his course at regular intervals, performing what Italian authorities called "erratic manoeuvres," making the plane's height and its direction totally unpredictable for air traffic control.
The Italian authorities initiated a terror alert, fearing an Al Qaeda strike on the world leaders taking part in the G8 meeting.
A jet fighter was scrambled to escort the passenger jet into Rome.
The pilot of the passenger jet in mocking tones told his terrified passengers to wave to the jet fighter.
The crew of the passenger jet also mocked the passengers.
The passenger jet was escorted towards Rome by the Italian jet fighter.
At Rome airport the American Presidential Plane Air Force One was about to take off carrying President Barack Obama.
The Primera Air passenger jet landed at Rome.
On arrival at Rome airport the plane was surrounded by security forces, emergency fire crews and anti terror police.
In Dublin a spokesman for Budget Travel who had sold tickets for the flight, claimed that the plane had been diverted for what he called "technical reasons."
The spokesman for Budget Travel is quoted in The Daily Mail as saying: "Health and safety is the priority. If we have a technical issue we have to land. It wasn't due to the G8 at all. They had to get a new part."
I believe this statement to be disingenuous in the extreme.
I believe this statement cannot by any stretch of the imagination be a true representation of what happened.
I believe this statement is in fact a grotesque lie.
I would suggest that this statement amounts to a damage limitation exercise on the part of Budget Travel.
We should not tolerate it.
This puerile, formulaic and massively frivolous statement does not explain the passenger jet's plunge from 38,000 feet to 20,000, the erratic flying pattern, the pilot's failure to answer standard air traffic control communications, the pilot's failure to follow any approved procedures in the event of an emergency, the crew's mockery of the passengers, the pilot's mocking instructions to passengers that they should wave to the jet fighter which was shepherding them away from the G8 zone.
There are questions that need to be answered.
I don't think we should accept answers that have been devised by legal professionals as part of a commercial damage limitation exercise and which bear no relationship to the truth whatsoever.
The answers should not come from a Budget Travel apologist.
The answers should come from a full scale hard target anti terror investigation.
Here are my questions.
What is the name of the pilot of the Primera Air passenger jet?
What is the religion of the pilot of the Primera Air passenger jet?
Is the pilot of the Primera Airlines passenger jet a Muslim?
Has the pilot now or at any time in the past been engaged in Jihad on behalf of the peaceloving religion of Islam?
Has the pilot now or in the past had any associations with members of Al Qaeda?
Was the pilot drunk?
Were any traces of cannabis, cocaine, heroin or any other drug found in the pilot's bloodstream?
Was the pilot's blood tested at all after the plane's forced landing in Rome?
If not, why not?
What part was so urgently needed for the plane that Budget Travel claims the plane diverted solely to obtain this part?
Was the part found at Rome airport?
Was the part fitted at Rome airport before the plane was permitted to fly on to Dublin?
Why wasn't the part fitted if the part was the reason for the whole diversion in the first place?
Who owns Primera Airlines?
Does the pilot of the Primera Air passenger jet have any associations, friendships or other interactions with anti globalisation protestors or any other political grouping?
Was the pilot of the Primera Air passenger jet engaged in activities on behalf of Al Qaeda when he inexplicably brought his jet down from 38,000 feet to 20,000 while pursuing erratic flying patterns in the vicinity of the G8 summit, refusing to respond to air traffic control communications, and telling his terrified passengers to wave at the jet fighter which was at that stage threatening to shoot down his plane?
Did Al Qaeda launch a probing attack on the G8 summit through the Primera Air passenger jet flying to Dublin?
Was Al Qaeda hoping to use the Primera Air passenger jet bound for Dublin to ram Air Force One and kill President Barack Obama?
Was the pilot of the Primera Air passenger jet interviewed by anti terror officers at Rome airport?
Was the pilot of the Primera Air passenger jet then unbelievably incredibly and insanely actually permitted to take off again and fly into Dublin?
The same piece of crap Al Qaeda loving b-st-rd who'd just buzzed the G8 summit while terrorising 148 innocent people on his plane?
Someone actually allowed him to fly again?
Allowed him to complete the trip to Dublin after what he'd done?
I mean why don't you just put all our heads on a chopping block?
Al Qaeda are going to win this war.
Al Qaeda are going to conquer the world if people in Civil Aviation and Law Enforcement persist in treating them as though they are mischievous schoolboys.
Will this Primera Air pilot be allowed to continue flying passenger jets into Dublin airport?
Will this Primera Air pilot be allowed to fly passenger jet planes anywhere in the world?
Will Primera Air itself be permitted to continue to fly into Ireland?
Does the airline industry seriously believe that a statement such as the one from Budget Travel will actually help protect business?
Are they f---ing dreaming?
Why exactly did the pilot inform the passengers he had terrorised that they were flying to Rome simply because they had too much fuel on board to return to the Greek island from which the flight had originated?
Why did the pilot fail to inform his passengers that the plane had been instructed to land in Rome or be shot down?
Why did the crew mock passengers by telling them the fighter jet was merely checking their wings for ice?
Why did the pilot say they were flying to Rome because they had too much fuel while afterwards a spokesperson for Budget Travel claimed they flew to Rome to collect a spare part?
I ask again.
Is the pilot an agent of Al Qaeda?
Or was he just a gratuitously evil little swine entertaining himself by terrorising his passengers because he wanted to cause a security alert at the G8 summit?
Either way, why isn't the pilot in jail?
How long do the Judge Liberals of Western Europe think they can get away with frivolously risking the lives of the law abiding citizenry of Western Europe by releasing bastards like this pilot after he has shown his true intent?
What exactly has happened here?
Why exactly has there not been full and frank reportage of the event?
Why exactly are we tolerating Budget Travel telling the public that all these things happened because the plane needed a new part?

Monday, July 13, 2009

The Photographer's Eye (with Enrica Cecchini)

Jai Hind!
************* I encountered these boys during a brief sojourn with Mother Teresa's nuns in Calcutta. The children here sometimes seem luminous with joy in spite of everything they are dealing with. The boy who has spotted me taking his photo is so sweet. I can see such hope in him. His big eyes are open to the future. Jai Hind is a Hindu cry of approbation for the nation, much like Viva Italia. Enrica


two lovers walk the claddagh
ruffed and ragged by the winter breeze
they're as much a part of galway
as the wildern wintern seas
they're laughter echoes gleaming
like the verses of a song
their voices held and bade me
scorn the wealth of solomon

war on terror chortles

1. The Canadian government has just reported that one of its government jets was almost blown out of the sky when an Air Emirates jet suddenly flew at it bald headed. The incident happened in April. The Canadian government has only released details of it now. The Canadian government denies that the Prime Minister of Canada was on board the government jet. The Canadian government is refusing to say exactly who was on board the government jet. Which of course means the Prime Minister of Canada was on board the government jet. None of the admittedly meagre reporting of this incident has mentioned little known comedy improv group Al Qaeda. There has been no media speculation as to whether one of the pilots on the Air Emirates jet thought he'd get in a little Jihad at the end of a long tiring trans Atlantic flight. There has been no speculation as to whether an Al Qaeda operative working in Canadian air traffic control deliberately put the two planes on a collision course. No speculation at all. Best not to worry. It'll all sort itself out eventually. Sharia law anyone?

2. The Irish Times has just reported the conviction of a member of an Islamist gang who tortured and murdered a Jewish man in France. The Irish Times report gave very scant details of the torture. They obviously don't want to distress people. The Irish Times managed to get through its report on the torture and murder of this Jewish man without once mentioning Muslims, Islam or Al Qaeda. The Jewish man was tortured and murdered by a gang of twenty people all of whom were Muslims. Probably a coincidence. Here is the news. What happened to that Jewish man was murder. But the real crime happened after. Eh Irish Times?

3. A British Airways jet had to be evacuated yesterday after the cabin filled with smoke. No one was hurt. Reports of the incident have made no mention of possible Al Qaeda infiltration of airline maintenance crews. Reports of the incident have made no corelation with ten similar incidents of varying serverity from smoke in the cabin to explosions in the cargo bay, at Qantas airlines in Australia. Reports of the incident have made no corelation with similar incidents on Air France plance. Reports of the incident haven't so much as mentioned the destruction of an Air France plane and its passengers and crew over the Atlantic recently. At this stage I wouldn't be surprised to hear that the police want to interview President Bush about the incidents. Spokesperson for the Civial Aviation Authority Mr Osama Bin Laden commented: "There's no story here. Move along quickly now. President Bush bad. Barack gooooodddddd. Go back to sleeeeppppppp my prettieeeeeees."

4. And finally Esther. Sky News billed its broadcast interview with the current American President as Obama Versus Bolton. This was a rather dramatic title. I am referring to the use of the word Versus which implies a certain adversarial quality to the proceedings. In truth President Obama was in little danger from Sky's interviewer Tim Bolton. Unless of course we include the danger of being fawned to death.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

there's something about mary

Evening at the Chateau de Healy.
My mobile phone beeps imperiously.
A text message has winged its way through on the ether.
I cast my eyes on it.
And lo!

Greetings Ireland's greatest living poet.
I hope you won't mind the intrusion.
Will you be in Dublin tomorrow for The March For Life?
If so I'd like to buy you a coffee.
It would be fun to spend some time on the 4th of July with someone who actually appreciates America.
It's quite hard to find such people on this island.
(Female. 30 years.)

I looked at the message closely.
It seemed almost too good to be true.
Could it be a trap?
At spy school they taught us that anything that looks too good to be true probably is too good to be true.
I could see the baited hooks.
She'd called me Ireland's greatest living poet.
That's a hook.
She'd mentioned The March For Life.
That's a hook.
She'd mentioned America.
That's a hook.
She'd offered to pay for the coffees.
Hoo boy, for a tight wad like me that's definitely a hook.
She'd inadvertently mentioned she was of the womanly sexual gender persuasion orientation type of thing and 30 years of age.
No need to labour the point.
Truly my cup runneth over.
Hook, line and sinker.
But what if it is a trap?
The classic double cross.
Maybe she's a beautiful woman but also a bootboy for Independent Newspapers intent on revenge.
Or what if it's a triple cross?
What if she's a beautiful woman, a bootboy for Independent Newspapers, and also a member of Al Qaeda?
Or how about if it's a quadruple cross?
Beautiful woman, bootboy for Independent Newspapers, member of Al Qaeda and in her spare time freelancing for the Johnston Press?
Or maybe a quintuple cross?
Beautiful woman, bootboy for the Indo, member of AQ, freelancing for the Jonners, but also a former employee of the Irish nursy, teacher, cop, civil servant, bus driver, free loading no working State Sector, who have extorted ridiculous pay rises from our corrupt kleptocratic Fianna Fail government causing a calamitous economic collapse, (no it wasn't the banks, the senior bankers should be in jail, but it was the nice middle of the road people who sowed the seeds of our present absolute economic devastation with their extortion racket pay claims, and you know what, their kids for whom they pretend to care so much, are gonna pay the most dearly because there will be a civil war before long and this one will be hell on earth) the exposure of which thievery she somehow blamed on me.
Or a sextuple cross.
All of the above, but she wants to have sex with me as well.
Ah if only we could have our druthers.

The ghost of Sigmund Frood appeared at my shoulder.
"Sometimes Heelers," he murmured, "ze innocuous text message is just ze innocuous text message."

a rooskie in dublin

Romantic Breakdowns!
By Irina Kuksova
Remember back in the days when you first had a soft spot for someone, and you had to attend not-your-cuppatee events in order to just spend more time with this potential love of your life. The situation applies equally to men and women. A man could spend hours in the purgatory of shopping, or plonked outside some changing room holding dresses for the desired one to choose from. The girl for her part would often find herself sitting through yet another endless football match, yearning for it to be over so that she might finally get some attention.
If you do get hitched you will thank God those days are ever. Now you can finally do what you really like because your significant other has been successfully lured into your den and at last occupies truly more than half your heart and wardrobe. The only problem is that, although enjoying your married bliss, you may no longer get out as much as a couple.
Turns out there's a simple solution. I found this out quite by chance recently. Go somewhere with your spouse and have your car battery go flat. But not just anywhere. It has to be a strategically sound place and time. In my case it happened around 8pm (just the right lighting you know) and ten minutes away from a friend's house. The friend didn't have jump leads to start the car but she had tea which helped sustain me and my guy on a scenic and romantic walk hand in hand through suburban Dublin. Our walk took us to another friend who actually could give us a lift. We realised that having driven the same route by car thousands of times, we'd never actually walked it, never mind walked it together and in twilight. A whole new experience!
We had another flat battery breakdown in Dublin city centre a week later. It happened in a car park at 9pm. Knowing that we had at least an hour to wait before our white knight friend would once more come to the rescue (he rides a white Ford Fiesta rather than a horse by the way), we decided to have an improvised student style date. A street arts festival was underway in the area. We purchased a pizza and sat munching happily on a little wall. The city at dusk seemed even more alive than usual. We watched the local artists as they endeavoured to sell all manner of things Oirish to unwary passers by. It made an interesting change from a standard night at home cooking dinner and watching TV.
I am thinking now of trying to find some way to arrange the time and place of our next flat battery. If I could just make it happen in front of a cinema during the premiere of Harry Potter And The Half Blood Prince. I'm going to have to have a word with my car.