The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Saturday, December 19, 2015

i say it here it comes out there

Today They Said

Paul Williams (writing in the Irish Independent newspaper): "... the nexus between the IRA, Sinn Fein and gangland in Ireland..."

James Healy: "You're arriving a bit late at this party Paul. If you find time you might look into the death this week of an Independent local councillor in a supposed hit and run incident in the town of Newbridge near where I live. Ask yourself, are the IRA, Sinn Fein and gangland bumping off people with staged hit and run incidents? I'll help you Paul. Yes, they are. Standard mode of operation: Use a foreign national junkie or a local junkie to do the hit."

Friday, December 18, 2015

ooh ahh up the supposedly independentant parliamentarians

Three nominally independent Irish parliamentarians attended the bail application of a suspected IRA terrorist styling himself Donal O'Coisdealbha at the Special Criminal Court in Dublin this week.
That's three elected members of parliament showing up in court to help an IRA terrorist get out for Crimbo.
I say they are nominally independent in that they have no official links to any of Ireland's three major constitutional political parties Fine Gael, Labour or Fianna Fail, nor to the fourth major party in Ireland, the one poised to take power at the next election, ie the IRA's parliamentary proxies Sinn Fein.
The three court attending parliamentarians comprised one Mick Wallace (two Mick Wallaces would have been excessive) one Claire Daly, (who is having an affair with one Mick Wallace) and one Maureen O'Sullivan (whom nobody knows from Adam). (Adams surely? - Ed note)
Did I mention that the IRA's parliamentary proxies Sinn Fein are poised to take power in Ireland at the next election.
I have previously postulated on this website that many supposedly independent candidates in parliament are actually ringers for Sinn Fein.
I cannot help wondering where Mick Wallace, Claire Daly and Maureen O'Sullivan stand on this highly contentious issue.
Mick Wallace is famous in Ireland for having been elected to the rotten borough of Wexford, rotten in that the people of Wexford elected an anti corruption candidate with debts to gangster banks totalling in excess of fifty millon dollars.
Clarie Daly is famous for her firebrand love making (Socialism surely?- Ed note) and for allowing Mick Wallace the ongoing use of a car parking space at one of Ireland's airports which she was formerly entitled to use herself as an airport employee, but had absolutely no right to use or give the use of to her current lover, as a socialist wooooooorker parliamentarian.
Maureen O'Sullivan is just a pair of glasses and a smile. (Harold Lloyd surely? - Ed note)
(I don't wear glasses - Maureen O'Sullivan note)

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

ireland under the nazis

Fine Gael and the Labour Party in government...

1. Fine Gael's solution to Ireland's off the scale suicide rate... Fine Gael is seeking to abolish the concept of suicide from the coroner's courts. This would mean that coroners would not be permitted to conclude that someone had committed suicide. Under new legislation coroner courts would be restricted to describing medical causes of death. As far as the Gaelers are concerned, by abolishing the concept of suicide, the problem of suicide has been solved. It will be invisible. The perfect blagg.

2. Fine Gael's solution to drug use... Fine Gael is establishing injection centres for addicts which will effectively legalise drug use. By abolishing the concept of criminality, the Gaelers think they're dealing with the heroin epidemic.

3. Fine Gael's solution to teen hoodlums (foot soldiers for Ireland's IRA and associated mafias).... Fine Gael have passed legislation closing the major prison facility dealing with thugs aged from sixteen to twenty. By abolishing the prison, the Gaelers think they're dealing with crime.

4. Fine Gael's pre election promise not to legalise abortion... Fine Gael has legalised abortion. By abolishing the concept of the sanctity of life, the Gaelers think they're being all round humanitarians.

Monday, December 14, 2015

the crunch question

Question: What is the difference between broccoli and snot?
Answer: Children can be persuaded to eat snot.

Sunday, December 13, 2015

the eagle has landed i mean written a book of short stories

"You promised you were going to review Brian Byrne's latest book of short stories?" said my cousin Yankee Joe over tiffin.
The mighty Heelers groaned like a Heffalump in pain but remained silent.
"I bet you didn't even read it," persisted the Yank.
"I read it alright," sez me with a trace of bitterness.
"So why no review?" quoth he.
I sighed deeply.
"Well this is embarassing," I explained, "but I kind of liked it."
"Aw Heelers give credit where it's due," said the cousin who is a bit of a fan of the above mentioned scribe. "If you liked it you gotta review it."
"You know I've spent years trying to alert humanity to two threats," I mused as if he hadn't spoken, "the sheer awfulness of Brian Byrne's writing and the existential menace from international Jihad. Now I've lost one of the props of my existence. I mean what happens if I read the Quran and start liking the Prophet Muhammed too? Where will it all end!"
"You've got to hand it to him," said the Yank, "he's really put Kilcullen on the map with his website and he's a master of all the social media tools. Facebook, Twitter and so on. He was ahead of everyone else with those."
"The Prophet Muhammed has a Kilcullen website?" exclaimed me.
"Brian Byrne," said the cousin.
"Ah," sez me.
"I wonder why he writes his books under the pseudonym William Trapman," pondered the Yank.
"Von Trapman I think you'll find," sez me serenely.