masque of the suggestible gulpens

 

Gout ridden, arthritic, haggard, I hobbled into Kilcullen church for morning mass.

I cut a strangely dashing figure.

Sort of like that characterful statue of Winston Churchill outside the British parliament where he's careworn, bloody but unbowed.

I hobbled in.

Late of course.

Glanced around.

A sea of face masks.

Oh for heaven's sake.

They're not still at this rubbish.

The masks have been discredited.

Why on earth are people still going along with such nonsense.

Still, best not to attract the attention of the gauleiter, I mean sacristan, who  as a personal vocation has taken it on herself to police mask wearing in Kilcullen church.

Today I would not be able to outrun her.

I hobble into a side aisle.

I am in time for that part of the celebration known as the consecration so I sit and savour the ancient mystery.

After mass outside the church once more, a masked but othewise stylishly accoutred matronly woman breezes up alongside me, eyes my characterful walking stick and exuding concern exclaims: "What happened to you?"

"I had an allergic reaction to eejits wearing facemasks just because the government told them to," I respond warmly.

Another lady drives up alongside us.

"James do you need a lift?" she enquires all concern.

I thank her and decline.

But think.

This haggard beaten routine with the walking stick is a good way to meet the chicks.

Chicks d'un certain age of course.

But still.

They count.

Strolling from the precincts of the church another lady of auld acquaintance takes my arm.

Not for the first time I am touched by the glories which attend upon the church.

People I mean.

"Is it your hip?" the auld acquaintance asks.

"No, it's just stuff in my legs," I explain. "And why are you wearing that silly mask? They don't even work."

"I know," says she, "but Nancy the sacristan gives out to you if you don't wear one."

"She shouldn't be doing that," I answer grimly and then a la Churchill: "If our civilisation lasts for a thousand years men will still say this was our most ridiculous hour."