The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Saturday, January 21, 2012

the menagerie

Evening at the Chateau de Healy.
I am ensconced in an armchair in the front room.
Various members of the animal kingdom are helping me eat dinner.
Mr Blue the budgie is on my shoulder cheering my every munch with a cacophony of bells and whistles.
Fur Ham the hamster is on the coffee table, alternately chewing and pouching his turnip.
Beaky the parrot is on the couch pecking a piece of mashed potato.
Jess the sheepdog is at my feet eyeballing the budgie.
She's not allowed eat budgies and she knows it.
I munch my pork chops with moderate relish.
Jess occasionally allows herself an absent minded thump of the tail to register her interest in the pork chops.
"Stop staring at the budgie Jess," I murmur between mouthfuls.
"A cat can look at a king," says Jess. "Why can't I look at a budgie? It doesn't mean I'm going to eat him."
"You're upsetting me and the budgie," I tell her.
"You'll both get used to it," woofs Jess.
"You don't like budgies do you?" I ask her.
"They're okay in their place," says Jess.
"Where's that?" sez me.
"In a cage," answers Jess with an air of finality.

Friday, January 20, 2012

explore your cultural sensitivities with uncle jayums and damned be he who mentions my erstwhile attitude to muslims

Mrs Ukraine is telling me about Ukrainian nativity plays.
"We have all the traditional elements you have here," she explains. "Joseph, Mary, the birth in a stable. And we have an evil character called Zed. He is a Jew. With you know. The traditional style of hair in ringlets. Do you know what I mean?"
I allow myself a sharp intake of breath.
"Are you telling me that Ukrainian nativity plays feature racist depictions of Jewish people?" I enquire sweetly.
"No, no, it's just the villain," she answers.
"Well why don't you feature Mary the mother of God with her hair in traditional Jewish ringlets, or Joseph, or the baby Jesus? Or Matthew, Mark, Luke and John? Because I've got news for you. They're all Jews."
"I know James. But it's not racist. It's just our tradition."
"So what does Zed do?"
"He tips off Herod as to where the baby Jesus is hiding."
"But this is a complete lie. This never happened. If you pretend you believe in the Bible you must admit this never happened."
"Yes but this is a very old nativity play in Ukraine. It's performed in different versions all over our country. And we always have this character in the play. We can't change it."
I favour her with my famous Paddington Bear stare.
"You've got to stop having this character in your play," I cry. "Have you thought that this single act of evil against the Jewish people might be what is opening the door for Satan to continually enslave Ukraine through the Russian dictatorships? First through communist Russia. Now through Putin. You are opening the door to the devil. You are bringing down hell on your own country. Take it from a sinful man. I'd change that nativity play if I were you."
"James it's two hundred years old."
"Where on earth did this nonsense come from? You people need to read what Jesus said to the woman at the well: Salvation comes from the Jews. And you need to read what Saint Paul wrote: Never look down on the Jews, for by some of them refusing the gospel, the gospel has come to you. You owe them. And if their refusal has meant salvation for all mankind. What will their acceptance mean? Nothing less than life from the dead. That's not me. That's Saint Paul."
"But James this tradition started because in Ukraine everyone was very poor. And in every town in Ukraine there was one person with a shop making money out of us. And that person was always a Jew."
"Are you telling me no Ukrainians were capable of running shops themselves?"
"That is the way it was."
"No it wasn't. And I'll tell you. The Irish are worse than the Ukrainians. We had no Jews. But we resented anyone who owned a shop just as much. So I'm not judging you. I'm just saying: Change your nativity play."
"We can't change a two hundred year old tradition."
"You'd change it in the morning if Jesus came back and told you to."

Thursday, January 19, 2012

through a starbucks darkly

Starbucks, Dawson Street, at evening.
The plain people of Ireland are quaffing coffees.
Not a single good looking one among them.
I cast an unquiet glance through the salon.
No sign of Miss Boo Tease.
"Yesterday it was the land of milk and honeys," I mutter acerbically. "And today it's the land of farts and shite."

an open letter to judge yvonne murphy

Judge Yvonne Murphy.
A report compiled by you into selected child abuse cases involving priests, has been used by the Irish media to force the resignation of a Bishop.
The media, mired in declining sales and moral irrelevancy, are seeking more scalps.
The Bishop of Limerick committed no crime beyond the purely notional crimes contrived in your report, the purely notional crimes of not handling sex abuse cases thirty years ago in the way in which you maintain they should be handled today. 
The arbitrary standard by which you impute guilt could of course be used to convict every single human being in the Irish Republic of covering up child abuse.
No family in Ireland is untouched by child abuse.
No institution is untouched by child abuse.
No profession Murphy is untouched by it.
I put it to you that your report is a base attempt to distract public attention from the current break down in law and order sweeping Ireland, a break down which has been caused by liberal members of the Judiciary such as yourself through your repeated release of violent and murderous and psychotisised and drug dealing offenders into the community.
There's just 150 Judges in the Republic of Ireland.
My God you have done a lot of damage, haven't you.
In a few short years.
You have destroyed everything you've touched.
I put it to you that your report is an attempt to distract the general public from the Gerald Barry case, Gerald Barry being the man who various Judge Liberals and Defence Lawyer Liberals kept free no matter how many times he killed, raped or assaulted, kept him free I say, through legalistic manoeuvres, faux humanitarianism, and your own criminal incompetence.
Can you hear me Murphy?
You Judges kept Gerald Barry free to kill, kill, rape, rape, blind a pensioner, kill and rape again.
Congratulations Murphy.
Seriously though.
You're doing a brilliant job.
I put it to you that your report into the church's handling of child sex abuse is an arrant misrepresentation of the reality of child abuse in Ireland and of the methods in which the situation was dealt with in the past.
I put it to you that your failure (and the media's failure) to make clear to the general public that 99.99 percent of sex abuse cases do not involve churchmen, amounts to nothing loss than a grotesque concealment of the true situation.
You have committed the worst crime of which you have accused any Bishop.
By failing to make the true extent of sex abuse clear in your report, by contenting yourself with feigned outrage towards Bishops, you have arrogantly, arrantly and malignly concealed sex abuse.
You and your friends in the Irish Times, and Independent Newspapers, and the Daily Mail, and RTE.
You should hang your heads in shame.
I put it to you Murphy, that the motivation of Judges like yourself is not above board and should not be above question.
Are you a feminist?
Are you an atheist?
Are you a communist?
Are you an abortionist?
Are you part of any wide ranging conspiracy within Irish society to dechristianise our country?
Do you regard the Catholic church as the enemy of all women?
I'm fishing here Murphy.
Am I getting close on any of these?
Tell me Murphy.
If I don't think you're fit to be a Judge, is there anything I can do about it?
I mean as a citizen.
It's okay Murphy.
We all know the answer.
Tell me again Murphy.
Is there one standard for child sex abuse relating to the church and another relating to Judges?
You know who I'm talking about Murphy.
You know I'm talking about the Judge whose house was searched after an Interpol tip off that he was accessing child pornography, and whose computer was found to have images of extreme child pornography stored on it, and yet whose trial was rendered impossible because, surprise surprise, a "careless" Irish police officer enacted the search warrant a day late and a "dedicated" Judge decided that the crucial one day of lateness meant the images of child sex abuse violations stored on his computer for his delectation and enjoyment, were not admissable in a court of law.
Amazing wasn't it Murphy?
Do you remember?
His name was Judge Brian Curtin.
You and your fellow Judges and the courts service and the police and the government contrived to conceal his crime and disregard his culpability.
Together and separately you ensured he never faced a court of law for his crimes and was permitted to quietly retire from the bench.
You and your ilk cut him loose and set him free.
I guess we can all take our chances that Judge Brian Curtin will himself personally limit his predilection for seeing children violated to remote viewing.
No role for law enforcement there, eh.
I ask again.
Do you think a Judge who pays to see children raped on the internet is guilty of sexually abusing children?
It's okay Murphy.
Don't bother answering.
Such complicated moral issues might distress you.
You who are so clear thinking when it comes to blaming Bishops for sex abuse committed by priests in their employ.
You know what Murphy.
I don't care what you think.
You've given me no reason to respect any opinion you might hold.
I'll tell you what I think.
I put it to you that anyone viewing child pornography on the internet is financing the violation, enslavement, degradation, kidnapping, rape and murder of children.
Such people are themselves sexually abusing children.
Tell me.
Knowing that a Judge has viewed this material, and knowing which Judge has done so, what steps do you intend to take to protect children from this Judge in the future?
That was your method of imputing guilt to Bishops who had committed no crimes, wasn't it?
You suggested that the Bishops hadn't taken sufficient steps to protect children from their abusing priest colleagues.
One law for the liberals and one law for the Christians who built our country, our nation and our culture.
Murphy you make me sick.
Now how about the case of a police officer who enacts a search warrant a day late on the premises of a Judge who likes to watch videos of children being raped?
What's he guilty of?
Is he guilty of anything Murphy?
What are you going to do about him?
And what about the police officer who was himself accessing child pornography from Police Head Quarters in Dublin?
What about him Murphy?
Was he committing child abuse?
The Deputy of Public Prosecutions dithered for a year and a half before announcing no charges were being pressed.
How very consistent of him.
Tell me Murphy.
Did those police and Judges accessing child pornography websites, did those additional police and Judges who decided to search their premises a day late and then not to charge them with any crime, did any of these people commit child abuse?
I've got news for you Murphy.
All of them did.
All of them committed crimes far worse than the notional crimes you and your liberal friends have devised in order to persecute the Catholic Church.
The children on those computer screens are being raped and murdered right now Murphy.
Tell me Murphy.
Are you accountable to anyone?
Will you ever have to give an explanation for your behaviour and the behaviour of the other bumpkin millionaire child abusing Judges of the Republic of Ireland whose compassion for criminals has given us the violent society and whose misrepresentation of child abuse issues is being used as a Trojan Horse to erase 1500 years of Christianity in this country?
Do you answer to anyone Murphy?
I'll see you in hell.
James Healy

(First published December 2009)

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

uncle jayums shows you how to deal with these harsh recessionary times while retaining your spiritual equilibrium in tense situations

I enter the Spar supermarket attached to the Topaz garage on the Sallins road in the town of Naas.
I am loathe to buy fuel at Topaz garages, because the one ten miles up the road on the Dublin dual carriageway, carries porn magazines, and its petrol pumps charge you fifty pence before they give you any petrol.
But up to today, I've been willing to shop in Spar outlets.
I am buying in bulk for the Dad.
Four cartons of orange juice, four vegetable soups, a packet of buns, biscuits, fruit and veg.
A female manager approaches me.
Her manner is polite enough.
"Are you shopping?" she asks.
"I am," sez I.
She indicates the Lidl supermarket bag which I am using to hold my purchases.
"We'd prefer if you'd use one of our own baskets," she tells me.
"Oh," I say.
"I'll get you one," she says.
"No, don't do that," sez I, beginning to replace items on the shelves.
"I will, they're just over here."
"No," I say a bit more firmly, "don't do that."
She desists.
I replace the last item from my Lidl bag and leave the Naas Spar supermarket on the Sallins Road for the last time.

Monday, January 16, 2012

name day

people like years in the city streets
throng in the rain it falls like centuries
the fall of man is never so complete
the fall of night never such a certainty
clocks are striking somewhere down the quays

as i am struck my 40th hour done
takes wing like a soul circles and is gone
alone amid the crowd i hear the rain
drum the outright tragedy of man
birth is death divided by a span

heelers confessio

I expect the public to come to my work with a critical eye. The most profound achievement for any writer is to so enable his readers with intellectual empowerment, critical insight and moral vocabulary, that if need be, they can not only advocate, but reject, the man who so enabled them.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

our television listings

(The Irish national fraudcaster, financed by compulsory taxation on the citizenry but run by the Marxists for the Marxists of the Marxists.)
09.00 Murder She Wrote. Jessica is arrested after Sheriff Snurdlebaum realises that an average of one murder a week has taken place wherever she's residing for the past ten years.
10.00 Hawaii Five, Oh! Violent remake of the orginal violent cop series from the seventies. The casting is abysmal. Very hard to root for leading characters who look like the guys from my town who get into fights at the local boozer every Friday. Also whoever made the present version doesn't seem to understand that the best thing about Hawaii Five Oh was the music. The original score has been retained but it's much truncated.
11.00 Friends. Trendy sitcom. Chandler gives Monica three hundred grand for a blow job. (To design a website surely - Ed note.) Ross sets up an alternative government and closes down the Irish embassy to the Vatican while purchasing yet another worthless gangster bank for the nation using ten thousand million dollars he borrowed against unborn generations. Joey moves to Boston with a thousand million dollars he stole from the Irish people, and changes his name to David Drumm.
12.00 The News. Read by Mao Tse Tung.
1.00 Cretinously Delicious. Cookery programme. This week: How to cook a steinervorzel in fried zorgabongs.
2.00 Everybody Loves Raymond. A sitcom that's actually entertaining. Particularly when Stefania is in it.
3.00 Farming With Snodgrass. Programme for the mentally unhinged.
4.00 Blockbusters. Islamic edition presented by the Ayatollah Beheshti. Winners get an all expenses paid pilgrimage to Meccah. Losers are beheaded.
6.00 Dusty's Trail. People would watch this if RTE showed it.
7.00 The Mary Tyler Moore Show. See Dusty's Trail.
8.00 News And Weather. Ready by Vladimir Ilyich Lenin.
10.00 The Late Late Show. Ryan Tubridy's homage to himself.
11.00 States Of Fear. The late Mary Raftery's most famous and most invidious attack on the Catholic Church. Invidious in that I was forced to finance her bigoted propaganda. Yes Mary Raftery's vision was financed to the hilt by Catholic people like me who are forced by legislation to contribute funds to RTE which in turn insists on disbursing our money to dessicated atheistic humanists like Mary Raftery in order to facilitate Mary Raftery's hatred for the Christian faith. Don't get me wrong. Mary Raftery wasn't an atheist in the sense that someone might be called atheist who honestly doesn't believe in the existence of the Deity. Mary Raftery was an atheist in the sense that she was part of an organised political project to eradicate Christianity from the Republic of Ireland. She and her ilk openly vaunt themselves as atheistic humanists which is more or less the rebranding of choice favoured by former advocates of the more murderous forms of international communist dictatorship. Personally I've always quibbled with their hijacking of the word humanist. I don't see what's so humane about denying the dignity and sanctity of human life or the glory of the creator. Atheistic gormlessness would be a more accurate term for this most deluded of ideologies.
12.00 Closedown. I wish they would close the bloody thing down. Or failing that, finance it themselves. I'm tired of atheistic humanists conspiring for the destruction of my nation and the world while dining out on my dime.