The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Saturday, August 24, 2013

legends of the fall

Friday evening.
Emerging from a church full of the joys into a rainswept Dublin street.
I fancy my face must be shining with supernatural light.
I have just availed of the Catholic ritual of confession.
If the ancient Christians are right, and if I have confessed truly and with a sincere intention to reform, a padre from India, representing the son of the Hebrew God, has just wiped my soul of sin.
I betake myself to The Winding Stair bookshop café to celebrate.
A rather fetching blonde woman presents me with a coffee.
I look at her with careful respect.
Her magnificent silken clad thighs can be of no interest to a spiritual fellow like myself.
I sit down.
At my table my eye falls upon a courtesy copy of the Irish Independent newspaper.
I open it gingerly.
Having just confessed more hatred and resentment against more people and institutions than you could shake a stick at, I am not keen to start smearing my soul with new sins straight away.
Maybe I shouldn't even read this newspaper, whose contributors and management and owners, I have so wilfully sinned against in the not too distant past.
My eye falls on an article about Archbishop Diarmuid Martin.
On occasion, I have been a tad critical of Archbishop Martin too.
"Hmmm, this is interesting," I murmur with some restraint.
The article bears a certain coincidental similarity to items that have appeared on this website, although with a polar opposite conclusion.
A sinful man might think he was being plagiarised.
The article notes that Archbishop Martin is hugely popular with priests in the Dublin area and will shortly be called to Rome for promotion.
"Well, well, well," I muse softly. "And to think I may have been responsible for disseminating an alternative impression, ie that Archie was generally not appreciated by the priests. I suppose people will just have to make up their own minds between Independent Newspapers analysis of this and mine. Still. No foul, no fault."
And certainly no sin.
Not today.
With measured tread, I turn the page.
An article by the Independent's religious affairs correspondent David Quinn leaps up to meet me.
He's another one I may have been occasionally critical of.
Perhaps even vituperative.
I ask you folks.
What is it with this newspaper?
For the unwary saint, it's a positive minefield.
Get a grip Heelers.
Let's see what he has to say.
Treat it as a spiritual exercise.
Today David Quinn is with great passion and courage and originality, attempting to draw attention to church burnings in the Third World. He is highlighting the media's neglect of the issue.
The theme does seem vaguely familiar to me.
Where can I have read about this before?
Oh right.
I wrote about it three days ago.
I hurry on.
Best not to get hung up on the little stuff.
It can be an occasion for sin.
On the next page I behold a feature piece by Independent Newspapers most honourable, insightful, courageous, and dare I say noble, contributor, the perennially inspirational Ian O'Doherty.
Ian O'Doherty is a renaissance man, a modern journalistic genius touched by greatness.
It must be admitted that up to now, his contribution to Irish public life has been somewhat under appreciated.
Mainly by me.
His headline on the present article proclaims: No One Should Be Let Use Irish Passports As Get Out Of Jail Free Cards.
The main body of his argument focusses on four members of a Muslim family, the Halabjas, who have been detained in Egypt while apparently taking part in demonstrations to secure the release of an ousted Islamist President.
What a colourful phrase: Passports As Get Out Of Jail Free Cards.
I wonder where he got the idea for that.
And what an unusual take on the situation: To actually speak against the diplomatic efforts being made on behalf of the Halabjas.
It all rings oddly familiar.
Where can I have read such things before?
A little vein on my forehead pulses briefly.
Clearly this Christianity stuff does not come without its challenges.
Ho hum.
Here is the news.
Far be it from me to defend the Halabjas, but I cannot help wondering why the great O'Doherty hasn't spoken out against another Irish passport holder who is currently seeking diplomatic help to get released from jail in Peru after being caught smuggling drugs which she claims a Columbian cartel forced her to carry for them.
I've lost a few people to drugs and I tend to regard drug traffickers as the worst scum of all.
Far worse than Islamists.
Why no mention of the drug trafficking hoor with the Irish passport, Mr O'Doherty?
Is it because she has connections to organisations badder than the Muslim Brotherhood?
Why no mention of the drug mule who is trying to get off scott free in Peru using her Irish passport?
Why did you target just the Muslim family, Mr O'Doherty, in that article you ripped off from me?
Mr O'Doherty?
What's the matter?
Cat got your crotch?
That's torn it.

Friday, August 23, 2013

an open letter to something called martina devlin who writes for a bankrupt anti catholic abortionist newspaper styled the irish independent

You wrote today that the banks were treating Irish people with disrespect.
But surely the reason Ireland's banks collapsed is that those banks lent billions of dollars to the newspaper group for which you work, ie Independent Newspapers, and Independent Newspapers refused to repay the money. (I admit the banks also collapsed because their own senior managments were systematically burglarising their own banks through according themselves massive loans, salaries and bonuses which, in the case of the loans they never intended to repay and in the case of the salaries and bonuses, they never earned.)
Surely the real and more profound disrespect to the Irish People has come from Independent Newspapers criminal proprietors Tony O'Reilly (sponsor of Olympics Drugs Cheat Cian O'Connor, he of the famous and indeed risible "how was I supposed to know my horse was a junkie" defence), and Denis O'Brien (whose personal fortune was based on commercial advantanges obtained through bribes to politician Michael Lowry who in return for ye aforementioned criminal bribes gave him national mobile phone licences worth billions of dollars for a couple of million).
Surely the most odious and otiose disrespect of all to the Irish People comes from the refusal by your bosses Tony O'Reilly and Denis O'Brien to pay what Independent Newspapers owes to collapsed Irish banks from their own billion dollar fortunes preferring instead to compel the Irish People to pay it through the largesse of our corrupt abortionist Prime Minister Enda Kenny who has cancelled Independent Newspapers debts and signed us all up to meeting the tab.
Surely your pretence of solidarity with the Irish People is contemptible beyond belief.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013


Scene: Castle Rackrent. Irish Prime Minister Enda Kenny is seated at a banquet with selected lowlife from his Fine Gael and Labour Party government.

Enda Kenny: Drink up gentlemen. Tis meet we celebrate. We have seen off the evil Catholics and can now kill babies and call it icecream.

(Enter the ghost of Heelers, wailing and rattling chains.)

Lady Macbeth: My Lord. Why do you start so?

Enda Kenny: It's him. Here. Now. Yoikes.

Lady Macbeth: My Lord. Please. People will think you are a tit.

Enda Kenny: I am. But canst you not see it?

Lady Macbeth: There's nothing there you gonk.

Enda Kenny: See how he leers and jibes. Tis a satirical ghost.

Reichsmarschall Alan Shatter: My Lord, was ist?

Enda Kenny: Es ist f--ken scary.

Lady Macbeth: Hush.

Enda Kenny: (to ghost) Thou canst not say I did it, nor shake thy hairy man boobs at me.

Lady Macbeth: (hissing) My Lord, what exactly is this supposed ghost doing?

Enda Kenny: Trust me honey. You don't want to know. Oh for God's sake, not in the Minestrone.

(Enter a servant with a taper)

Servant: Majesty, there is someone to see you. I brought this in case you want to record what he says.

(Enda Kenny rises and makes his excuses.)

Enda Kenny: Excuse me gentlemen. I need to take a whizz,

(He walks to the side of the stage where the First Cut Throat, Ibrahim Buwisir, Al Qaeda's Operations Chief in Ireland, is waiting.)

Ibrahim Buwisir: It is done Your Highness.

Enda Kenny: Heelers is dead?

Ibrahim Buwisir: Yes.

Enda Kenny: I thought there was something strange about him.

Ibrahim Buwisir: He was always strange.

Enda Kenny: You're sure he's dead.

Ibrahim Buwisir: Well he's either dead or quaffing coffees in the Costa Café on Dawson Street.

Enda Kenny: You are the best of the cut throats to whom we sold Irish passports.

Ibrahim Buwisir: Thanks.

Lady Macbeth: My Lord you must return to the table. Your guests are beginning to wonder. You imperil everything with your strange manner, bad posture and generally goonish aspect. The Catholic Church has been defeated. Keep your hair on and stop talking b-llocks.

Enda Kenny: You're right. Why should I fear a clowning buffoon like Heelers. The truth cannot harm me. What is the truth? It has no currency here. Buwisir, show yourself out. Smithers release the hounds.

(Enda Kenny rejoins his guests)

Enda Kenny: Hey who ate all the pork chops? Oh right. Heelers ghost is here.

Herrless Ruairi Quinn: My Lord?

Enda Kenny: Nothing, nothing. Did he leave any of the apple tart. No, I don't want any Minestrone. No. really. I'm just not that into it. Never really liked it. Don't know why Chef put it on the menu.

Chef: Suck on my chocolate salty bawls.

Enda Kenny: Er. No thanks.

Lady Macbeth: (hissing again) My Lord you must eat or your guests will sense we're murderers.

Enda Kenny: But Heelers ghost pissed in it.

Archbishop Diarmuid Martin: Ha, ha, that sounds about right.

Lady Macbeth: My Lords and Ladies, your king is unwell. But he will be himself again presently. That is to say, not unwell exactly, merely mildly grotesquely amorally incompetent, the same weak, vapid hairstyle of a man you have all come to know and love. Particularly those of you in the journalistic profession since he cancelled Independent Newspapers half billion dollar debts to collapsed Irish banks and refused to take action against Independent Newspapers proprietor Denis O'Brien who was deemed by a Judicial Enquiry to have amassed a billion dollar fortune by bribing then Fine Gael Communications Minister Michael Lowry to give him mobile phone contract licences for the Republic of Ireland dirt cheap. I mean I don't want to go casting no aspoyshuns My Lords. But if we go down, you all go down.

Enda Kenny: (feverishly to himself) The weird sisters promised.

Lady Macbeth: This is no time to start harping on about hagerdotal Daily Mail contributors.

Enda Kenny: The weird sisters promised... The weird sisters promised.... How did they put it? Enda Kenny never destroyed shall be, until thug mafias take over every city, town and village in Ireland on behalf of a dark alliance between drug dealers, people traffickers, old style IRA terrorists, Italian gangsters, Chinese Triads, Russian and Nigerian hoodlums, and a little known combo called Al Qaeda, using teenage militias to pass under the radar of law enforcement, and inflicting mayhem and murder, harassment and intimidation on the citizenry with the connivance of a coterie of corrupt police officers.

Lady Macbeth: That's already happened.

Enda Kenny: Focque me pink. We're for the high jump. Let me know when MacDuff arrives. I'll be over by the punch bowl.

Heelers Ghost: (soliloquy) I love pork chops.

Bugs Bunny: That's all folks.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

the biggest story on the planet earth

This week Muslims in Egypt defended a Christian church which had been targeted for destruction by Islamists.
The Muslims physically prevented the Islamists from laying waste the Church and killing its occupants.
Their action was unprecedented.
Let us be quite clear.
Thousands of Muslims defended a Christian Church from other Muslims intent on destroying it.
This is the biggest news story since the fall of the Berlin Wall and the Russians decision not to nuke the world in order to maintain their jackboot domination over Germany, Poland, Czechoslovakia and the rest of Eastern Europe.
It may be even bigger.

Monday, August 19, 2013


David Fanshawe is dead.
He was famous among music aficionados for his recordings of ethnic folk music worldwide.
He also received kudos from the Pseud Brigade for an original work entitled African Sanctus.
None of this matters.
What matters is that he wrote the theme tune for a late 1970's piece of television hokum produced in Britain called Flambards.
Flambards was based on a children's book by one KM Peyton, a children's book whose television adaptation was geared towards adults.
The televisual adaptation had ambitions towards the sensibilities of Evelyn Waugh's supposed classic Brideshead Revisited.
Brideshead Revisited would be filmed for television a few years after Flambards with bigger stars and bigger money and bigger credibility, and would win a host of awards, be endlessly repeated and talked over, and became a sensation in the British Isles.
Flambards never managed that.
But Flambards, referentially imitative, silly, soap operatic Flambards, with its lesser known actors and childish storyline, and David Fanshawe's music, Flambards was pure poetry.
Flambards is the closest thing British television has ever produced to a work of high art.
And David Fanshawe's theme tune is a near perfect haunted eulogy to lost time.

the most astonishing political development i've seen in the past quarter of a century

Islamist supporters of the former President Of Egypt the Islamist Mohammed Morsi have been torching Christian churches in Egypt for the past month.
Yesterday they were preparing to torch a Christian church but they found the grounds occupied by thousands of Muslims who refused to let them go ahead.
The Muslims protected a Christian church from Islamist attackers.
Not since the fall of the Berlin wall have I seen anything so extraordinary.
I regard this as the first sign of the triumph of the glorious goodness of God amidst the satanic chaos that is engulfing us.

crescent moon rising over ireland

Hoodlums from the Black Jacket crime gang, a forward thinking and progressive Dublin branch of Al Qaeda, today jostled the Egyptian ambassador in the street outside his embassy in Ireland.
The Black Jackets were seeking the release of Islamists with Irish passports who have been arrested in Egypt.
They were also seeking the reinstatement of the Islamist Mohammed Morsi as President of Egypt.
Morsi was removed by the army after millions of Egyptians took to the streets in protest at his attempted imposition of a new Islamic dictatorship on Egypt.
So today Black Jacket Al Qaeda members were jostling the Egyptian ambassador in the streets of Dublin.
They threw a few punches at our police too.
I was not surprised.

an open letter to gary o'sullivan proprietor of the irish catholic

Dear Gary.
Kudos to you on your recent purchase of the Irish Catholic.
Well done.
Sincere congrats.
You dah man.
It's long overdue that the Irish Catholic, a magnificent and principled publication, should have an owner like you.
We need more of you rich bast--ds running things.
That's what Ireland's been missing up to now.
No offence.
I know you've just taken up the reins and will still be settling in but might I make an observation or two.
How shall I put this.
You see Gary, several of your contributors are double jobbing.
Mary Kenny is a token Catholic staffer with the atheistic abortionist neo feudalist Tony O'Reilly Denis O'Brien worshipping Independent Newspapers.
David Quinn is also a token Catholic staffer with the atheistic abortionist neo feudalist Tony O'Reilly Denis O'Brien worshipping Independent Newspapers.
Sarah Carey is also a token Catholic staffer with the atheistic abortionist neo feudalist Tony O'Reilly Denis O'Brien worshipping Independent Newspapers.
Meanwhile Miss Breda O'Brien is a token Catholic staffer with the atheistic abortionist Bolshevick bigotedly anti Catholic Irish Times.
John Waters is a token Catholic staffer with the atheistic abortionist Bolshevick bigotedly anti Catholic Irish Times.
And William Reville is yet another token Catholic staffer at the atheistic abortionist Bolshevick bigotedly anti Catholic Irish Times.
All of these make a living by allowing the most virulently anti Catholic newspapers in Europe to pose in plain sight as organisations with Catholic employees.
But that's not my point.
My point is the double jobbing.
Gary, you may have noticed occasionally (when you look down from Mount Olympus) that there are Catholic journalists, writers and contributors who have no paid employment.
They're hungry Gary.
And they have never caused any newspaper group to go bankrupt in the way Mary Kenny, David Quinn, Sarah Carey, Breda O'Brien, John Waters, and William Reville have done.
Indpendent Newspapers, in spite of corrupt abortionist Prime Minister Enda Kenny's cancellation of three hundred million dollars of their debts, still owe idiot banks half a billion dollars that they have no intention or ability to repay.
The Irish Times is similarly bankrupt and without readers.
Your dedication to ensuring that Mary Kenny, David Quinn, Sarah Carey, Breda O'Brien, William Reville, et al (particularly Al, I hate him) should have plush mansions, and a couple of extra BMW's and six overseas holidays a year each instead of only five, is of course commendable.
Kudos to you again.
You are a tremendous defender of the over privileged.
Wherever champagne socialists raise a toast to their latest abortion, your name is spoken in hushed tones of awe and reverance.
But Gary.
There are people who are starving.
Starving for food as well as for work.
Not in Africa Gar.
In this country.
And many of us are enduring the loss of our houses, our Ford Cortina's, our livelihoods and our very sanity.
We don't get holidays Gary.
Gary baby.
No one is asking you to stop paying for Mary Kenny, David Quinn, Sarah Carey, Breda O'Brien, John Waters, William Reville, et al, to live a life of ridiculous excess while pretending to be Catholics.
Like you, they're entitled.
You were all born with a silver spoon up your anus and I understand that is where you intend to keep it.
But Gary.
You once pretended to be a monk, didn't you.
Try to remember something of the Catholic Faith which you have so treacherously used to aggrandise yourself and other talentless scoundrels. (I mean Mary Kenny, David Quinn, Sarah Carey, Breda O'Brien, John Waters and William Reville.)
And do some good for a change.
Hire someone who isn't already in receipt of a hundred grand a year from corrupt nation bankrupting entities such as Tony O'Reilly, Denis O'Brien or the Irish Times Trust.
Do it for the God you once pretended to believe in Gary.
Hint: I don't mean the Almighty Dollar.
Fond regards.
James Healy
PS: Tell your brother Andrew, the one who's a close personal friend of former President Mary McAleese, that I was asking for him.
PPS: How about a few articles by Mary McAleese. I hear she's short of a crust at the moment.

an open letter to poor little rich ex monk gary o'sullivan proprietor of the left wing magazine falsely styled the irish catholic

Dear Gary O'Sullivan.
An article by yourself this week on the cover of your own magazine The Irish Catholic, features a contrived and baseless attack against Bishop Eamonn Walshe.
Your article is built around comments from several anonymous priests who you yourself claim are real people that you contacted seeking quotes about Bishop Eamonn Walshe's appointment to a new senior position in Dublin.
Hardly fair O'Sullivan.
You permitted a clandestine coterie of your supposed sources to openly slander Bishop Eamonn while remaining anonymous themselves.
It was slander by the way.
Slander by innuendo.
And it was sneering.
And it was oh so anonymous.
Let's get this straight.
On the cover of your own magazine, you trumpeted the sneers of these supposedly real priests selected by you and facilitated with the front page of the Irish Catholic to express their supposed doubts about Bishop Eamonn Walshe, and you didn't feel you had to name any of them or get any comment from the hundreds of thousands of people who love Bishop Eamonn Walshe and would be proud to set their name to their views.
Sneering O'Sullivan.
Now I sneer all the time.
But I do set my name to my sneers.
You O'Sullivan sneer by proxie.
Your front page attacks on Bishop Eamonn Walshe were cowardly, ignoble and dishonourable.
I mean I don't want to go casting no aspoyshuns.
Well actually I do.
What you did to Bishop Eamonn Walshe was a thoroughgoing disgrace O'Sullivan.
You sought once again to destroy the reputation of Eamonn Walshe, a decent, honourable, heroic, self effacing, self sacrificing Bishop.
And you didn't even have the courage to admit O'Sullivan that the views you expressed were your own.
Anonymous sources indeed.
You miserable plush bottomed poor little rich boy hound.
Fond regards.
James Healy
PS: Pass on your greetings to your brother Andrew who chopped down the hundred year old trees around Kilcullen Church for the crime of not being modern enough. Seriously though. He did a marvellous job. Still. At least Andrew just destroys trees. You destroy human beings. For your sport.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

archie deballed

Soviet era infiltrator of the Catholic Church, Archbishop Diarmuid Martin has had an interesting week.
I mean I don't want to go casting no aspoyshuns.
But the week was interesting.
The appointment of Bishop Eamon Walshe to a senior Church position within the area of Dublin represents the final defeat for Archie in his attempts to drive Eamon Walshe from office by labelling him a concealer of child abuse.
Poor old Archie.
He got so close.
So ve-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-y, so sovietty, close.
Why it only seems like yesterday that Arch had contrived to have every Bishop in Ireland summoned for a meeting with Pope Benedict.
And through his allies in the most anti Catholic newspaper in Europe, the Irish Independent, Archie had sought to create the illusion that the Pope backed Archie.
The Irish Independent even ran a picture article featuring commentary on the Pope shaking hands with each Bishop, but supposedly showing disdain for each one as he did so.
Hilariously the Irish Independent claimed that the photo of the Pope and Archie showed the Pope beaming with paternal fondness for his favourite son.
Only this was the only photo the Irish Independent actually didn't publish.
And it was Archie who flounced out of Rome early after Cardinal Sean Brady grew a pair and defied him in the presence of Benedict.
Afterwards Archie's media allies attempted to ruin Cardinal Brady the same way they sought to ruin Eamon Walshe.
It almost looked as though Archie had kept Cardinal Brady cowed up to that point with the threat of blackmail.
Suddenly there were inuendos about Cardinal Brady in every atheistic leftist pro Archie newspaper in Ireland.
But that's another story.
You lose Archie.
Now fudge off.

an open letter to mary kenny

Dear Mary.
Where did you get the idea for an open letter to the Irish Deputy Prime Minister?
I saw your letter printed as an article in the bankrupt left wing gazetter which falsely styles itself The Irish Catholic and is run rather incompetently for now hugely diminishing profits by poor little rich Ex Monk Gary O'Sullivan.
But that letter to the Deputy Prime Minister.
It was a very original idea although your treatment of it was as per usual a bit wishy washy.
Still, a brilliant idea.
Where did you get that idea from?
Mary? Mary? Where did you get the idea to write an open letter to Ireland's Deputy Prime Minister from?
Hmmm? Mary? What's the matter, cat got your crotch?
Fond regards and well done in getting left wing atheistic Marxian abortionist Michael D Higgins, your old flatmate or friend or whatever he was, elected as President of Ireland.
That was a marvellous contribution to protecting the life of the unborn.
And lo.
Six months later we have legalised abortion in Ireland.
Well done Mary.
Well done that girl.
And keep the brilliantly original though slightly wishy washy open letters coming.
Where do you get those wonderful ideas?
Fondly yours.
PS: I have a blog which you might like to read some time.

the most surprising thing i've ever heard

"Colonel Baines here."
"Just wanted to say you're probably right about the Egyptian situation."
"You seem surprised."
"Stunned is the word. I mean you've never admitted I was right about anything."
"Don't get me wrong. Your blog is still hideous. But you're probably right about El Sissi. I don't think the Egyptian army would have done any of this without being fairly sure the people were behind them."


"The Irish government must intervene. The Irish government must intervene."
The voice belonged to an Islamist who runs a Mosque in Dublin.
I have a vague acquaintance with some of his Black Jacket henchmen who have over the past few years developed a most curious penchant for filming me as I go about my daily business.
Ah the scum are on the streets indeed.
Thankfully there's a cure.
Today Big Daddy Islam is shouting on an Irish television programme about his Islamist family who clutching their Irish passports have been detained in Egypt by the Egyptian police, mainly because the Egyptians are getting kinda tired of the sort of murderous Islamist scum to which our useless Irish government have over the past few years developed such a curious penchant for giving passports to.
But I digress.
And I err grammatically.
big Daddy Islam is still crying out on Irish national television.
He wants Ireland to go to war to get his hideous Islamist thug family out of Egypt where they themselves had been fomenting war against a population that no longer buys their anti Western anti Israel bullsh-t.
And he's getting a hearing on our useless atheistic Marxian State funded television and radio stations.
No mention of the fact that 70 percent of Egyptians don't want him or his family or their Muslim Brotherhood President.
No mention of the fact that the Muslim Brotherhood has been once again torching Christian churches across Egypt.
No mention of the fact that the Egyptian people support the actions of General Fateh El Sissi in removing Mahommed Morsi the Muslim Brotherhood President of Egypt from office.
No mention of any of this because the truth has no currency in Irish television and radio stations.
And the Islamist who runs a Mosque in Dublin is weeping and whining on Irish television.
And his Islamist family members are being referred to as Irish.
And Churches across Egypt are burning as Morsi supporters like this man's family try to label the new government a Christian one while conveniently ignoring the fact that 60 percent of the new government's supporters are themselves Muslim.
And Al Qaeda is smiling malevolently in the wings. (In the wings of Cairo and the wings of Dublin.)
And it's all going pear shaped.
The buffoons of the media are once more struggling manfully to put us firmly on the wrong side of history.

the waiting

grey light upon sleeping fields
the stillness i have come to love
time and tide cease surcease
peace sits like a glove
shadow sifts like memory
the dog stirs at his chain
and whines and lifts his eyes
for the walk he knows we'll take
though storm clouds steal the skies
and grey light curtains into rain
so waits the world tonight
in darkness and in pain
the world waits for christ