The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Friday, June 26, 2015

the crunch question

Well this is a rum one. For the first time in 2000 years if someone asks you with rhetorical whimsy: "Is the Pope a Catholic?" you can now answer: "No. No he isn't."

Thursday, June 25, 2015

great political predictions of our time

Bobby Jindal has just announced his intention to stand for President of the United States of America.
He will win.

pope francis omen 3

His hat just blew off.
Well it scared the hell out of me.

pope francis omen 2

When Pope Francis released a dove into Saint Peter's Square last year, carrion birds attacked the dove and began to tear her to pieces. It never happened to John Paul or Benedict's doves. I'm just saying is all.

pope francis omen 1

When Benedict was ousted and Francis was installed, lightning struck the Vatican.

confucius he say

Beware the Greeks when they come looking for hundred thousand million dollar loans merely in order to pay off a little bit of the thousand thousand million dollar loans they already owe you.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

no truth in the rumour

There is absolutely no truth in the rumour that the Vatican has approved the Wasp song Mean Man as an official hymn following Pope Francis' threat to punch out the lights of anyone who insults his mother. No hang on. That is true.

Monday, June 22, 2015

the secret life of pope francis the first

Pope Francis is greeting a row of special guests at the Vatican.
He comes to one distinguished looking gentleman in a black suit.
The Pope: "And who are you?"
Gentleman: "Yo Yo Ma."
Pope Francis leaps at the gentleman. The two go over. There is much scuffling and kerfuffling.
Several dark suited aides intervene and separate them.
Pope Francis is still trying to get at his guest who looks nonplussed.
As the Pope struggles he mutters things like: "Y tu mama tambien," "I keel you gringo," and so on.
Among the dark suits, the Pope's personal secretary pleads with him to desist.
Personal Secretary: "What is it your Holiness? Why are you doing this?"
The Pope: "He insulted my mother. He did. He really did. He said: Your Mama."
Personal Secretary: "He said Yo Yo Ma, your Holiness. It's his name. He's a famous musician."
Pope Francis calms down.
But as he walks away he looks back at Yo Yo Ma who mouths "Your Mama," and the Pope runs back to him and the two go over again.
(Cut to music segment with Wasp singing Mean Man.)

today they said


President Francois Hollande of France: "The massacre of Armenians by the Turks in 1915 was genocide."

James Healy: "It was. But the massacre of the unborn by France and the export of abortion culture to the world from France through the RU486 abortion pill is a worse genocide against many many many more innocent victims. The Turks haven't attempted genocide against the Armenians in a hundred years. But Francois, your genocide against the unborn continues and grows exponentially year on year. I tell you the Jihadis will stand in judgement on us on Judgement Day for our killing of the unborn, and for our fornication, and for our sacrifices to satan, and for our euthanasias, and for our assisted suicides. Right this moment in Belgium and Luxembourg, teenagers are being suicided by doctors supposedly because the teenagers have requested such a thing. Come on Francois. Come on. If we do not stop this barbarity, God will no longer uphold our societies. The Muslims are a judgement on us now Francois. There are cosmic consequences for murdering the innocent. Eternal damnation Francois, will be far harsher than Sharia Law."

Pope Francis: "Climate Change is established science, blah, blah, blah..."

James Healy: "My analysis is that climate change is not established science. I have concerns about Pope Francis bona fides on this and other matters. For a start the manner of his election as Pope looked to me like a coup d'etat complete with interesting portents of doom, viz lightning striking the Vatican on the day, and some time later carrion birds devouring a dove which Francis had just released, blah, blah, blah. Seriously though.

Una Mullally of the Irish Times: "The passage of the Same Sex marriage referendum in Ireland represented the first time that young people took on the status quo and won."

James Healy: "The Same Sex marriage referendum was promoted, instituted and financed by atheistic pseudo elites in Ireland, none of them particularly accountable or particularly young, most notably the ageing brilliantine American IRA mafia capo billionaire Chuck Feeney along with the hagerdotal tricoteuses of the Board of the Irish Times and the decrepit residents of that clapped out somnolent conformist vomitorium known as the Irish parliament. Come on Una. We both know you love the culture of death. But at least you can admit that neither you nor Irish parliamentarians nor Chuck Feeney are focquing young. For focque sake."

Mark Steyn: (Re the murders in a church in America) "... some dweeb with a pudding bowl haircut..."

James Healy: "Always the haircut never the guns eh Steiny? I would ask you to consider that there is a possibility that this type of killing is murder by proxy. I mean that the young man was deliberately disrupted by evil people to induce him to kill."

Pope Francis: "The massacre of Armenians was the first of three genocides in the twentieth century, the others being Stalin's massacres in Russia, and Hitler's holocaust against the Jews."

James Healy: "Ah Frank, you're just trying to distract attention from your injudicious remarks last January which appeared to justify the Jihadi attacks in Paris that same month. You remember? The Jihadis murdered a bunch of people they didn't like. At the time you said that if someone pronounced a curse word against your mother, then a punch would await him. And having murdered a group of cartoonists, and then some policemen, and then some deli shoppers, the Jihadis took your words as encouragement, as a veritable endorsement of Jihad no less. From a Pope. Sorry. I should say: From a focquing Pope. Ho hum. Words fail me. Okay Frank. Granted re the Armenians. And Stalin. And Hitler. But your enumeration of genocides falls a bit short. What about the Abortion Genocide? Does it count. Remember you're Pope now. Or posing as one if my analysis is correct. What about the euthanasia genocide in the Netherlands? What about the legalisation of assisted suicide for children in Belgium and Luxembourg? How about Pol Pot in Cambodia? A quarter of the population of Cambodia dead. Is that a genocide? How about Chairman Mao's tally? Sixty to a hundred million? Not a genocide in your book? What about the communist induced famines, fascist tribal wars and Islamist slaughters throughout Africa that have continued unabated since 1945? Not genocide? Caused by climate change eh? Frank, you're starting to bring the Christian religion into disrepute. I can't help wondering are you doing it on purpose. Tell me Frank. Why are the most anti Catholic media groups in Europe, to wit the bankrupt Irish Times, the bankrupt Independent Newspapers group, and the bankrupt Irish broadcaster RTE, so very very very fond of you? If I don't find out soon, the mayor will have my ass on this one. Corrupt cops. The Rah. Mayor. Ass. Blah, blah, blah, etc etc."