The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Saturday, September 10, 2011

mike bloomberg's latest warning about a terrorist attack on the anniversary of nine eleven

Press Release, for the attention of CNN, NBC, CBS, ABC, Sky, the BBC and all other appeasers.
Re: New potential attacks on New York.
Mayor Bloomberg has announced: "There is a real and present threat of a terrorist attack on the anniversary of Nine Eleven. I have instructed all elements of our security apparatus to be on the alert for blond haired blue eyed good ole boys with deep south accents toting Bibles."

provincial poets

this morning i read through the works of sean o'brien
scorned the words and music he had drawn
and after wondered as to what degree
his musings held in the rank halls of poetry
i scorned the traipsing meters and the mind
which brought them to this world i became
a defiler in the temple of the muse
now in broken spirit i start again

let the works of o'brien shine thus
no greater and no less
than the darkness glistening in homer's verse
no more high or low
than keats first clear clarion call
which whispered in the timbrels of its gleaming
even a savage has feeling
even the gods must fall

Friday, September 09, 2011

from our sports desk

Latest Davis Cup tennis commentary streaming live from the USA...
Caroline Wozniacki for the sex.
Serena Williams for the tennis.

Thursday, September 08, 2011

how corrupt is the irish police force

Coffee with Doctor Barn.
I am fulminating about the corruption of the Irish Police Force.
He interrupts.
"Heelers!" he exclaims. "I never thought I'd see the day. You were also calling on people to support the police. Now you've become a civil libertarian."
I take a deep breath.
"I'm surprised you're surprised," I tell him. "Once I found out that the Irish Police was institutionally and individually corrupt, I'd have thought you'd have bet on me to say it loud regardless of how inconvenient these facts are to my prior advocacy on law and order. Once I found out that the cops were killing people in the cells, arrantly and repeatedly concealing the deaths which occurred in their custody, colluding with drug dealers in Athy and other towns, inflicting a notoriously psychotic sergeant on my own home town and other towns, gerrymandering crime figures and road deaths figures downwards, allowing a corrupt thug like Sergeant James D O'Mara of the Naas traffic division to operate with impunity in attempting to terrorise me at the side of the road forcing me to stand in a downpour in a teeshirt while he threw a photograph on the ground from my wallet and sneeringly claiming to suspect I'd stolen my own car, assaulting countless members of the public at the side of the road, inducing heart attacks in people at the side of the road particularly on one memorable occasion just before Christmas when Naas traffic cops killed a citizen at the side of the road in front of a child, threatening to rape young women, committing violence against the public on a daily basis at the Shell To Sea protests, beating the living daylights out of citizens on the streets and in their own homes, covering up for each other no matter what how great or how small the violation of law, blooding new recruits to the police force by bringing them in on their latest assaults against the general public, once I had confirmed the veracity of any one of those things yet alone all of them, there could be no question of my keeping silent merely because in the past I'd called on the public to support the cops. I always think it's a sign of weakness and/or laziness to use the word scum. But let me this way put it: These people are scummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm."

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

going quackers with the spaniola

Me and Cristina the Spanish Loon having a coffee at the Cafe Insomnia on her last night in Ireland.
"Come on," I say draining my cup.
"Where are we going?" sez she.
"To feed the ducks on Stephens Green," sez I.
She looks at me suspiciously.
"Are you trying to be romantic?"
"Why would I try to be romantic after five years?"
"Are you?"
"What's romantic about asking you to come feed the ducks?"
"Feeding the ducks together is romantic in Spain."
"In Ireland it just means you want to feed ducks."
"Are you sure?"
"It's about the great harmony of life. Living things in God's kingdom being close to each other. Getting in touch with the universe and nature and all of that. God has put glory in every living thing. He touches you with the glory when you feed his creatures. I feed the ducks all the time. I rarely have sex with them."
"You're not coming on to me?"
"Do I look like I'm coming on to you?"
"I don't know. You look kind of funny."
"You mean the way I always look."
"Listen to me. In this country feeding the ducks is a completely meaningless activity without any sexual undertones or overtones whatsoever. I assure you, we almost never date ducks in Ireland. And the ducks aren't into dating us either. You daft Spanish bim."
Presently me and Cristina are beside the pond in Stephens Green.
I am feeding the ducks.
"This getting you hot?" I ask.
"Yes James," ses she wearily. "You're very sexy."
"Still got it," I reply with grim satisfaction handing a crust to a mallard.

Tuesday, September 06, 2011

how corrupt is the irish police force

Night fall on Grafton Street, Dublin.
The quickening of September coldness in the air.
I love this.
Even though the city has an atmosphere of vaguely repressed threat.
I love this Autumn coldness, the glistening shopfronts and the early dark.
A police car noses its way gently among the passers by.
This is a pedestrianised street.
Normally no traffic is allowed.
I glance at the cops.
Two young fellows.
They look bored.
The one in the passenger seat is manfully engaged in picking his nose.
He is going at it with gusto.
Completely oblvious and indifferent to the many witnesses.
I stare.
In Ireland, there is a strong cultural taboo against picking one's nose in front of fellow citizens.
I shake my head.
If the cops no longer care if we see them running down snots on Main Street, what other transgressions will they not be capable of?
If they're yanking detritus from their honkers in plain view, what limit can there be to their evil?
Still I watch.
The police officer continues probing his proboscis for percies.
He is like Sherlock Holmes desperately hunting for a particularly elusive clue.
The cop driving the car is apparently unconcerned that his partner is now up to his wrist in his own sron.
Yes indeed.
If the cops are openly flaunting their schnoz violations with closed circuit television cameras recording every contortion, we really are in a lot of trouble.
At last I glimpse the putrescent depths of their corruption.
"My God," I breathe aghast. "It's unholy. They're completely and utterly out of control."
If you had been on Grafton Street this evening you might have seen me.
A strikingly handsome man walking towards Stephens Green muttering to himself:
"The horror, the horror."

Monday, September 05, 2011

heelenberg's chaos theory

(The Dynamics Of Positive And Negative Attractors, or: "Pardon Me But Your Breasts Are In My Soup.")

Theory: For a male of the human species contemplating a heavenly body, a get lost creep look is indistinguishable from a come hither look.

Corollorary 1: The phrases "Drop dead," and "Come up and see me big boy," are synonyms.

Corollary 2: The person who formulated the dictum No Means No was not a preraphaelite.

i know why the caged hamster spends all his time rattling around on a hamster wheel

September rain through the universe.
The noble Heelers wandered into one of the garages in Newbridge.
Purchased a thick black marker pen.
"Are you going to do some drawing?" asked the pretty Polish counter assistant who knows me tolerably well.
"I'm going to draw Hitler moustaches on Enda Kenny posters," I responded honestly.
"Are you sure it's not too big a marker for a small man like you," chanced she with a coquettish grin, obviously not having troubled to listen to my words.
"All the better for drawing swastikas on Fine Gael headquarters," I answered, still honestly.
This time she heard.
She laughed nervously.
I wandered up Main Street towards Fine Gael's local party offices.
Outside I halted.
And lo!
The party apparatchiks had removed their external posters of chief Nazi Enda Kenny and his regional gauleiter Tony Redmond.
A little bird must have told them their posters are no longer welcome in our town, our county or our country.
So no taches today then.
"That's a big marker Heelers," called out Ron Baines, one of Newbridge Town Council's litter wardens.
He was standing on the footpath behind me.
I had unsheathed the marker and was in the process of drawing a swastika on the wall.
I stopped.
I'm somewhat new to this Robin Hood game.
Perhaps Newbridge Main Street at three o'clock in the afternoon in broad daylight with a litter warden watching is not the place to begin the revolution.
The wall of Fine Gael headquarters still pristine and unmarked, I returned my marker to its holster.
"How ya goin Ron?" I enquired pleasantly.

Sunday, September 04, 2011

archy has risen from the grave

You could be forgiven for thinking that various national newspapers in the Republic of Ireland have come down with schizophrenia in their reportage of the most recent cosmically variegated public posturings of Archbishop Diarmuid Martin.
First up, I ask you to consider the Archy reportage in the Daily Mail, whose Irish edition has debts to idiot banks of around a hundred million dollars (Not to be confused with its British edition whose debts are above a billion dollars).
The Daily Mail today described Archbishop Diarmuid Martin as speaking out in defence of the Vatican's robust response to Irish Prime Minister Enda Kenny's criticisms and to criticisms contained in the recently released Judicial investigation of the Catholic Church's handling of child abuse cases, styled by its authors the Cloyne report.
By the way you should know that I believe Enda Kenny's criticisms of the Vatican were the most shameful Nazified faux popularist ranting in the history of our country.
I consider the Cloyne report to be a tendentiously malign manipulation of the truth put together by atheistic Judges intended solely to contrive, manufacture and inflict spurious blame on the Church for its handling of sex abuse cases where a fair minded person would conclude no such blame exists.
Just so's you know where I stand.
But here's the rub.
Archy has made a speech in which once again he accorded himself the status of leader of the Catholic Church in Ireland.
Archy isn't the leader of the Catholic Church in Ireland.
The leader of the Catholic Church in Ireland is Cardinal Sean Brady and he is the only man here entitled to speak for us.
Archy is a regional Bishop with no authority to speak for the whole Church whatsover.
Archy's apparent challenge to our bigoted Prime Minister Enda Kenny was merely a statement of the bleedin obvious.
When Enda Kenny claimed the Vatican had impeded sex abuse investigations in Ireland, Kenny was telling a massive falsehood.
A falsehood that Kenny cannot even begin to substantiate.
Archy's enumeration of this fact was not in fact a defence of the Vatican.
It was in fact nothing more than a blatent attempt to promote Archy's own profile, to ingratiate himself among Bishops and priests and a growing number of the faithful, who openly despise him as a liberal leftist infiltrating traitor intent on remaking the Church in his own image.
Hilarious no!
Yet the Anti Catholic Daily Mail was so incensed by Archy's faux loyalty to the ancient Church that it ran a blazing editorial excoriating him headlined: "What Would Jesus Do!"
I suppose folks when the Daily Mail pretends to know the mind of the Messiah, we must genuinely be close to the end of the world.
In any case I have my doubts that Archy has ever in his life spoken out in defence of our ancient, beautiful and true religion without an ulterior motive.
The present speech included.
That's not his bag.
I'd say the Daily Mail were seeing what they wanted to see and coming up with total fiction as per usual.
And lo.
Archy's anti Catholic allies in Independent Newspapers had a completely different take on exactly the same speech.
For also earlier today, the Sunday Independent (Independent Newspapers' net indebtedness to idiot banking creditors is above two billion dollars by the by) reported that Archbishop Diarmuid Martin has been "speaking out against a secret cabal in the Catholic Church which refuses to protect children from child abusers."
Now that sounds more like the Archy we know.
Of the two anti Catholic newspaper groups, my money is on the Sunday Independent to have come closer than the Daily Mail to reporting the tone and import of what Archy actually said.
After all the Sunday Independent and its associated titles have been working closely with Archy to try and force a generation of Bishops from office through the contrivance of arbitrary and false claims against them, to wit that by attempting to handle sex abuse cases discreetly or in accordance with best practice pyschiatric and legal advice at the time, they had been deliberately concealing and facilitating sex abuse.
Let's be clear.
The Anti Catholic Daily Mail claims Archbishop Diarmuid Martin is defending the church and the Anti Catholic Daily Mail then sneers at him for doing so.
And the Anti Catholic Sunday Independent, reporting precisely the same speech by Archy, claims Archbishop Diarmuid Martin is heroically defying institutional Catholicism to warn of an evil cabal lurking within the Church which needs to be driven out, conveniently enough, in accordance with the Sunday Independent and Archy's own wishes.
I'd say the cabal business is closer to Archy's style.
Hear me gentle travellers of the internet.
Having considered the assessments of Archy emanating from the Anti Catholic Daily Mail which this evening is pretending to despise him, and from the Anti Catholic Sunday Independent which continues to be his greatest cheerleader, finally I say, you may like to consider my own humble assessment of the great man.
It goes something like this.
Archbishop Diarmuid Martin is a soviet era infiltrator of the Catholic Church seeking to remake the Church in his own image.
As the son of radical Northern Ireland parents he was born into a vestigially culturally Catholic millieu.
His upbringing was nonetheless Marxian.
His brother Seamus, former political editor of the ultra leftist Anti Catholic Irish Times, was a KGB agent who spent the Cold War rooting for the Russians.
Seamus is spending his retirement in palatial splendour in Paris.
Archbishop Diarmuid Martin's infiltration of the Church began with, and was a part of, a major Soviet infiltration operation directed against the Catholic Church in Poland, Austria, France, Italy and other countries.
Soviet era infiltrators working as Bishops have been publicly exposed in many of those countries following the collapse of the Soviet Union.
Archbishop Diarmuid Martin has attempted to ruin any Bishop or Cardinal who dared to resist his attempted hijacking of the Irish Catholic Church.
Archbishop Diarmuid Martin has attempted to blackmail Cardinal Sean Brady into assisting him with the enforced ouster of a generation of Bishops.
When Cardinal Brady jumped ship and refused to back Arcbishop Diarmuid Martin at a meeting with the Pope in Rome, Archbishop Diarmuid Martin's Media allies unleashed an immediate newspaper campaign claiming falsely that Cardinal Brady had covered up a sex abuse case while a young priest.
This attempt to ruin Cardinal Brady was based on the malign and manipulative interpretation of the fact that as a young priest Cardinal Brady had been clerk at a meeting where evidence was taken from two sex abuse victims and as part of the procedures at that meeting he had sworn the two victims to secrecy.
Archbishop Diarmuid Martin's Media allies also targeted the Pope following Archbishop Diarmuid Martin's failed attempt to stampede the Pope into firing twenty Irish Bishops.
Archbishop Diarmuid Martin's Media allies targeted the Pope by focussing on the handling of an old sex abuse case that had occurred in the German jurisdiction where the Pope had once been a Bishop.
Both the Media campaign against Cardinal Brady and the Media campaign against the Pope, had been prepared by Archbishop Diarmuid Martin's Media allies well in advance of the Papal meeting at which Archbishop Diarmuid Martin blatently and maliciously attempted and failed to contrive and promulgate guilt about their handling of sex abuse cases for a generation of decent, noble, honorable, self sacrificing Bishops who had never done anything wrong in their lives except get in the way of Archbishop Diarmuid Martin's dark vision for our ancient Church.
All this is sovietism writ large.
I ask you folks.
If Archbishop Diarmuid Martin is not what I say he is, why on earth would the most virulently anti Catholic Media organisations, RTE, Independent Newspapers, and the Irish Times, so consistently sing his praises?
These people have spent forty years trying to erase the Catholic Church from our nation.
Yet they love Archy.
There's a clue there somewhere.
Get this.
Archbishop Diarmuid Martin has been colluding with atheistic (pseudo)humanist power brokers lurking in the shadows of the upper echolons of Irish society.
Archbishop Diarmuid has been colluding with ultra leftist Media figures who propagandise their Anti Catholic agendas in plain view in the Irish Times and Independent Newspapers and in the State run Stalinist broadcaster RTE.
Archbishop Diarmuid Martin has attempted to preempt the modest criticisms arising from this blog by using those very criticisms to describe his own critics.
Archbishop Diarmuid Martin lifted the phrase "there are people trying to remake the Catholic Church in their own image," from this blog where I had applied it to him.
Archbishop Diarmuid Martin lifted the notion of "secret cabals" from this blog where I had suggested he was colluding with shadowy atheistic (pseudo)humanist elements within the Civil Service, the Judiciary, Parliament and the Media, in an attempt to destroy the Catholic Church.
Archbishop Diarmuid Martin's attempt to turn the truth on its head and use it as a cudgel on his enemies is also an old soviet tactic.
Archbishop Diarmuid Martin's attempt to throw twenty bishops under the bus so that he could then control the Church by appointing their successors is yet another old soviet trick.
Archbishop Diarmuid Martin's use of the Irish Times and Independent Newspapers to discredit both the Pope and Cardinal Sean Brady by falsely labelling them concealers of child abuse is an old soviet trick.
Archbishop Diarmuid Martin's attempt to remove from Bishops the right to speak for themselves in their own defence is an old soviet trick.
Archbishop Diarmuid Martin's most recent speech in which he poses as someone defending the Church while at the same time giving his Media accolytes new ammunition to undermine it, is an old soviet trick.
Well folks.
Who do you believe?
The Irish Times?
The Daily Mail?
The Sunday Independent?
Or James Healy?
The bankrupt Bolshevicks?
The bankrupt whoremasters?
The bankrupt idolators of Tony O'Reilly?
Or me?