The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Saturday, August 20, 2011


Strolling through Stephen's Green.
The gentle light of evening is playing over the shrubs and greenery, lakes and flowers, of Dublin's most famous city centre parkland.
The ghost of Vincent Van Gogh is with me.
"The artist cannot stand at the poles and the equator," he murmurs. "You must choose a line, Heelers. For me it was colour."
I favour him with a queer look.
"For me it will be speaking the truth about the Muslim threat," I muse.
"The Muslim threat? What's that?" demands Van Gogh.
"Ask your grandson," I answer softly.

Friday, August 19, 2011

the last times

the kingdoms are torn
but we are not apart
we are born under the sun
and share its mark
in union
in estate
when hunger takes sudan
it takes me also
when war takes angola
the shellfire shakes my gate
nor is there distance yet
between death in punjab
and my own death
then again
the chinese girl with crushed feet
shrieks with my pain
the child they tore from her womb
is my child
she is mad with grief
i am insane
the one blood flows in our veins

Thursday, August 18, 2011

no sex please we're british i mean irish

"Why won't you come back to my apartment?" wondered Miss Brazil her eyes wide and round.
"Oh you know," I answered non commitally.
"Is it because you don't want to be alone with me?" she pouted.
"No not really," I hedged.
"Is it because you're Catholic?" she pressed.
Well bold readers!
There's hope for the ancient church yet.
If the young and the sexless are still mistaking my neurotic ditherings for deep spiritual principles, why then all is not lost.
My piercing blue eyes took on a diamond lustre.
"Yes," I told her. "Yes. That's what that is."
What else could I tell her gentle travellers of the internet?
The truth?
The truth about my incipient lunatical paranoiia?
The bims can't handle the truth.
(One of mine surely. - Jack Nicholson note.)
The truth is, it is well nigh impossible to get the noble Heelers on his own unless he knows you very well indeed.
You see I've badmouthed an awful lot of people on this here blog.
I never risk being alone with a woman unless I have first ascertained that she is:
(1) Not a member of Al Qaeda.
(2) Not a member of the Irish thug police force.
(3) Not a devil worshipper.
(4) Not Barack Obama.
Life is too short to wander home with some lissom lovely and only then to discover that she's trying to kill me.
And so I walked away from Miss Brazil.
As I bid her adieu, the ghost of a New York synth funk techno musician called Moby appeared beside me.
He sang:
"Oooh Lordy
My troubles with God
Oooh Lordy
My troubles with God
Don't nobody know my troubles with God
Ain't nobody know my troubles with God."
He sang quite soulfully too.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

minutes of the annual general meeting of allied irish bank

Board members applauded the recent government decision to take Allied Irish Bank into State ownership.
There was general agreement that the Fine Gael Labour purchase of Allied Irish Bank's worthless shares for a sum of five thousand million dollars in public money, represented a good deal for all concerned.
Mr Lochlainn Quinn, brother of Fine Gael Labour Education Minister Ruairi Quinn, informed the meeting that all was right with the world, and that the government bail out of Allied Irish Banks would not compel any Board Members to surrender any multi million dollar assets they had improperly accrued as remuneration during the period when the bank was claiming purely notional profits through the publication of false accounting statistics.
Mr Lochlainn Quinn then addressed the meeting in song, wearing nothing except a golden cone bra which the Irish government had earlier stolen from the luggage of pop singer Madonna and presented to him.
Mr Lochlainn Quinn sang as follows:
"Papa don't preach
I'm in trouble deep
Papa don't preach
I'm on losing streak
But I've made up my mind
I'm keeping me vineyard
Hoo yeah
Gonna keep my vineyard
Mama always told me right from wrong
She said Ruairi would be the political one
And I could make my way
As a billionaire banker
Oh yeah
Now I've busted the whole bank
There's no more cash in the tank
And we need a five thousand million dollar bail out
And I don't mean maybe
To keep us in the style we've become accustomed to
Oooh oooh
Papa don't preach
I'm in trouble deep
Papa don't preach
I'm on losing streak
But I've made up my mind
I'm keeping my vineyard
And six homes
And my luxury cars
And my twenty overseas holidays a year
Hooo yeeahhhhh"

the devils

In the recent general election Ireland thought it was voting for an alternative to the corrupt Fianna Fail kleptocracy.
We ended up with a coalition government composed of a faux centrist party called Fine Gael and a pseudo socialist party styling itself Labour.
There follows a brief exposition of how the Fine Gael Labour coalition has conducted itself.
1. Charlie Flangagan, a gombeen Fine Gael politician who inherited his parliamentary seat from his gombeen Fine Gael father, has called for the expulsion of the Vatican ambassador from Ireland.
2. Alan Shatter, the Fine Gael politician responsible twenty years ago for saddling Ireland with permissive divorce legislation, is at present attempting to introduce legislation compelling priests to reveal sins confessed to them in Confession. Yes. Little Alan Shatter, the destroyer of marriages, now wants to bug confession boxes. I call him the destroyer of marriages advisedly by the way. A pro divorce campaigner came to me a few years ago asking for my assistance in establishing a Help Group for woman who'd been dumped by their husbands following the introduction of Alan Shatter's original permissive divorce with remarriage bill. I asked her was it not a little ironic that having pressed for this legislation she was now being confronted with dozens of woman facing abandonment in their old age and coming to a vile evil repressed Catholic like me to try and turn back the clock. Without blinking an eye, the former divorce activist, informed me that this was why she was setting up the new group. Hoo baby. Alan Shatter and his friends have destroyed much and created nothing. Nor have they finished their work of destruction as evidenced by Shatter's latest attempts to usurp control on behalf of the atheistic State over the sacred sacrament of Confession.
3. Irish Prime Minister Enda Kenna of Fine Gael, a vacuous vapid hairstyle of a man, has vilified the Catholic Church and the Vatican in a parliamentary diatribe that would have embarassed an overt Nazi or Communist.
4. Labour Party Education Minister Ruairi Quinn, brother of Allied Irish Bank's Board Member Lochlainn Quinn, has announced his intention to seize control of Secondary Schools from the Catholic Church. Ruairi Quinn's putsch was perfectly timed to coincide with an announcement from Soviet era leftist infiltrator of the Catholic Church, Archbishop Diarmuid Martin, calling for just such a seizure.
5. Remember how the Irish electorate consigned our formerly corrupt kleptocratic Fianna Fail government to the rubbish heap? This happened following Fianna Fail's smash and grab on the nation in forcing the citizenry to pay the gambling losses and cover the asset stripping thefts of the Fianna Fail supporting Board Members of collapsed gangster financial institution Anglo Irish Bank. This single act of economic treason by Fianna Fail was the sole cause for the Fine Gael Labour election victory. Now. Two weeks ago Fine Gael and Labour themselves used five thousand million dollars of money borrowed against the Irish citiizenry to prop up failed gangster financial insitution Allied Irish Bank. Without consultation and without seeking any permission from the Irish people, Fine Gael and Labour signed us all up as the new owners of the worthless destitute and decrepit Allied Irish Bank. Note that Allied Irish is a different company to Anglo Irish. The only similarity being their shared gangsterism, excessively remunerated Board Members, and propensity for having ordinary Irish people pay for their most invidious incompetencies and corruptions. Another two thousand million of public money has since been poured into Allied Irish Bank by Fine Gael and Labour. It is interesting to note that one of Allied Irish Bank's most prominent Board Members is Ruairi Quinn's brother Lochlainn. Lochlainn Quinn had thirty million dollars in loose change in his back pocket a few years ago which he used to buy a vineyard in France. Under the Fine Gael Labour bailout of Ruairi Quinn's brother's bank, Lochlainn will of course be keeping his vineyard.
6. The Labour party wing of our government has nominated Michael D Higgins as its candidate for the Presidency of Ireland. Michael D Higgins is a career ultra radical leftist atheist most famous for stewarding his friend the dictator Danilo Ortega De Saavedra around Dublin during a visit to Ireland in the 1980's. Danilo Ortega De Saavedra was at the time routinely raping his daughter in law. This abuse continued throughout her childhood and young adulthood. That is to say if you believe her story. Higgins has never disowned his communist dictator child rapist friend although he has been to the fore in disseminating the most voluble pious cant about abuse cases he claims occurred in the Catholic Church. Higgins apparently is only exercised by abuse victims who haven't been repeatedly raped by his friend the communist dictator of Nicaragua.
7. The Fine Gael wing of our government has nominated Gay Mitchell for the Presidency. Gay Mitchell is a close relative of one of Dublin's most notorious crime lords. I won't be voting for him.
8. A Minister of State in the present Fine Gael Labour government called Kathleen Lynch has given her husband a job as her personal private secretary. The position is funded with public money. Still. That's socialism I suppose. The arrant nepotism implicit in this appointment is not the most egregious factor in the situation however. According to the Daily Mail, Kathleen Lynch's husband Snodgrass was convicted of murdering a man in 1973. Snodgrass was convicted of machine gunning the man to death. On appeal a certain Judge Liberal overturned the conviction. Judge Liberal's excuse for overturning the conviction was that when Snodgrass confessed to police that he had machine gunned a man to death, the police were nearing the end of the period during which they could legally detain him. There was supposedly only a half hour left to run on the legal detention period when Snodgrass began his confession. The confession wasn't finished for three hours. So Judge Liberal ruled the whole confession inadmissable. That's how you get away with murder in the Republic of Ireland. That's how you get a job in the Irish parliament. That's how you destroy the rule of law and betray the sacred traditions of our Republic. Well done Snodgrass. Well done Judge Liberal. And these are the people contriving guilt for Bishops for attempting to handle sex abuse cases discreetly. These are the people threatening to seize Catholic schools. These are the people introducing legislation to allow them to spy on the Confession Box. These are the people endeavouring to send home the Vatican ambassador. I gotta  tell you folks. Scum is too kind a word.
9. The wheel is rigged and it's the only game in town.

Monday, August 15, 2011

heelers fables

I removed Fur Ham from his cage.
He sat quite still in my hand.
He always does this.
Although he is a veritable Action Jack Hamster Perpetual Motion Machine, he holds quite still for a full minute.
Whenever I take him from his cage, for the first full minute of freedom, he sits quite still waiting for a cuddle and to hear the words: "I love you Fur Ham."
Then he's off like Danger Mouse.
Oh the dignity of it.
As I watch him now, an ancient truth sings in my ears.
I am being given a preview of a glorious fulfillment.
When man returns to God, nature will return to man.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

the deaths of 34 american soldiers in afghanistan

The reason thirty four of our soldiers were killed in Afghanistan last week is because Barack Obama has been trying to fight the entire Afghan conflict as a humanitarian war on hippy dippy principles.
In truth, it's a war he doesn't want to win.
And Barack has been repeating every error in the Bill Clinton playbook of history.
That is to say he's been trying to do exactly what Bill Clinton did in Somalia.
He's been compelling American special forces troops to abseil from helicopters into Taliban Al Qaeda terrorist compounds rather than missiling those compounds into nothing from orbit.
This is needless idiocy.
This is more.
This is reckless endangerment of American troops.
It's faux humanitarianism.
It levels the playing field for our enemies.
It means American soldiers are constantly risking their lives for absolutely no purpose other than to preserve the lives of Taliban Al Qaeda human shields, ie to preserve the lives of the sons and daugthers, mothers and sisters, of the Taliban Al Qaeda terrorists themselves.
This is pure arrant delusionism on Barack's part.
The Taliban and Al Qaeda only have to get lucky once and they kill a sack full of heroes.
It's woeful stuff.
Do you know how many Taliban Al Qaeda compounds American special forces have abseiled into under Barack's orders in recent years?
No less than 2,500.
That's 2500 unnecessary missions.
We cudda levelled the lot of them from thirty miles up.
Instead we sent our heroes into a charnel house.
Into charnel house after charnel house.
Sheer madness.
So it goes.
The Americans keep risking their troops in situations where there is no need.
Why has Barack opted for this Clinton era Somalia style strategy?
I'll tell you why.
Barack is using his special forces operatives in this way, in order to avoid inflicting casualties on the human shields used by the Talban Al Qaeda terror army.
That is to say, Barack is risking our soldiers lives in order to avoid killing any of the sons and daughters, wives and mothers of the Taliban Al Qaeda terrror army.
To invoke a most telling analogy, he's decided not to bomb Hitler's bunker in case he might kill some of the Goebbels children.
And so last week we lost thirty four of the bravest, brightest and best of American heroes.
And afterwards Barack did what he should have done earlier.
He nuked half the Afghan outback from orbit with zero losses to us in order to eliminate the same Taliban Al Qaeda terrorists whom a few days earlier he'd been compelling US special forces soldiers to wantonly hazard their lives to try and capture alive.
Truly he is a blithering idiot.
And his final strategy to ensure defeat in Afghanistan...
He has just promoted the one General who wants to win out of theatre.
General David Petraeus will now be head of the CIA.
Barack never liked him on the battlefield because General Petraeus was incarnate proof that President Bush was right about everything.

the heelenberg uncertainty principle

A beautiful woman is not beautiful unless someone thinks she is.