The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Thursday, March 15, 2012

break of day

leafen wood enwintered
by a soft ice surplice
fallen forth on timbers
in a fronded fretwork charabanc
that neath a network braided
steaming cattle breathed
earthen kingdoms frothed
into dying into life

on with the motley
rejoice rejoice

archie and the pap

The Archbishop of Dublin, Machiavelli Martin announced this week that the Pope would not be coming to Ireland for the forthcoming Eucharistic Congress.
Archie favoured the Pope with an audience during a recent visit to Rome.
Archie says he told the Pope that perhaps it would be more appropriate if the Pope sent greetings via a video link.
Archie's version of these events has been trumpetted in the anti Catholic Irish Times and in the anti Catholic Independent Newspapers.
Strange eh.
How the most virulently anti Catholic newspapers in Western Europe simply can't get enough of Archbishop Diarmuid Martin.
How they love him.
Ah.
Just once.
Just once I wish our venerable and serene Pope would address Archie thusly: "F--- off you Marxist cee word."
Now that would be fun.

kenny watch

The Irish Independent today printed a large photograph of Prime Minister Enda Kenny.
Enda Kenny was jovially slapping the hand of a school child in the greeting known as a high five.
The photograph was carried under a headline that read: "Kenny Calls On People To Give The Diaspora A Hand."
A particularly gormless article by something styling itself Lise Hand ran with the photograph.
Over at the pharmaceutically challenged Daily Mail (Well it must be a challenge disguising all those ads for pharmaceutical companies as news articles!) the same picture of Enda Kenny was run with a different headline and a different excuse for an article by a different excuse of a journalist.
The Daily Mail yesterday gained the world record for printing Enda Kenny photos by publishing no less than sixteen in one paper.
Why are the atheistic media so in love with Enda Kenny, who, let's face it, is a vapid, vascillatory, vacuous, hairstyle of a man?
Is it just his anti Catholic bona fides?
Or are the bankrupt atheistic media groups seeking to stave off imminent collapse by exacting a contribution from State coffers?
Do the anti Catholic Irish Times and Independent Newspapers groups have their eyes on the hundreds of millions of dollars which Enda Kenny's government is seeking to extort from Irish citizens via a new Stalinist household charge?
The enigmas endure.

an open letter to the nuns and priests of ireland

Dear sisters and brothers.
Tony O'Reilly, Ireland's richest man, will be shuffling off this mortal coil soon.
I mean he'll be dying.
He's getting old.
And he's due a rest.
As are we.
When O'Reilly finally goes croakies you will be contacted by your bishop.
Your Bishop will wheeze and blow, and spew a thousand abysmal cliches, before finally coming to his point. He will say something like this:
"Tony O'Reilly has gone to his eternal reward... Captain of industry... Ireland's richest man... Great ambassador for our country... Proprietor of Independent Newspapers... All a myth about him being anti Catholic... We want a big turnout at his funeral... Church must be well represented... I want you all to go along..."
Sisters and brothers when your bishop suggests you attend Tony O'Reilly's funeral I want you to reply to him thusly.
Look him in the eye.
Then gently but firmly, say...
"No."
Your bishop will wheeze and blow some more.
Speak your truth to him.
If you agree with me in my assessment of Tony O'Reilly and his newspaper group, say something akin to the following:

"Bishop, I will not be attending the funeral of Tony O'Reilly. I believe Tony O'Reilly's newspapers, especially the Irish Independent, the Evening Herald, the Sunday World and the Sunday Independent, are responsible for the single greatest coarsening of culture, public life, and private morals, in the history of the Irish nation. I believe Tony O'Reilly and his newspaper group, in conjunction with media groups O'Reilly doesn't own such as the Irish Times and the broadcaster RTE, I believe all of these, all of these cosmic mediocrities, I believe they have one and all colluded in trahaising Ireland and her 1500 year tradition of faith. I believe that Tony O'Reilly's newspapers and journalists are virulently anti Catholic and grotesquely anti Christian. In addition, I have been told that Tony O'Reilly has some sort of involvement with the production of several tabloid papers including the Daily Star whose editor Ger Colleran famously claimed on national television that children had been abused in every Catholic church presbytery in Ireland. What a brave fellow Colleran must be. And by brave I mean scum. Bishop, with all due respect, I am holding Tony O'Reilly accountable for the low rent cowardly sleazoid calumnies of his low rent cowardly sleazoid employees. I am holding him responsible for the phone sex lines published in the Daily Star which I believe contribute to the disruption of adolescent and adult sexualities in general, and the derangement of male sexualities in particular. I am suggesting to you Bishop that the phone sex lines published in the Daily Star are a direct link in the chain of evil which causes sex abuse. Let me be quite clear about my opinions on this point. What has the Catholic church done for Ireland? It is my opinion that for 1500 years the Catholic church has brought enlightenment, spirituality, civilisation and the truth to Ireland. What has the Daily Star done for Ireland? I would contend that the sum total of the Daily Star's contribution to Irish life has been to introduce us to the intellectual delights of Bossy Mistress, Wayward Teen, and Naughty Student. The great Ger Colleran should hang his head in shame... I am holding Tony O'Reilly responsible not just for this crud and Colleran's mendacious cretinism, but also for the arrant anti Catholic manipulation of the news that I believe his newspapers have perpetrated over the past thirty years. I am holding him accountable for everything his newspapers have done to our society. I am holding him responsible for the manner in which his newspapers reported sex abuse. No I'm not suggesting they told a single lie. I'm just suggesting they ignored ninety nine point nine nine percent of the truth. Sex abuse existed throughout modern society. But it seemed as if the cases involving clerical people were always reported while the vast majority of cases occurring in families at the hands of relatives, were simply ignored. It seems to me that an artificial notion was fostered by this style of reportage that sex abuse was caused by a dysfunction in Christian culture. Why on earth would any newspaper knowing full well that most sex abuse cases were happening in the domestic settting of family homes, knowing full well that sex abuse in non Catholic countries such as India and Thailand was off the scale, why I ask you, why would newspapers deliberately create the impression that the preponderence of sex abuse cases happened at the hands of clerical people? Were some sex abuse cases more important than others? Were some sex abuse victims more important than others? Were 0.01 percent of cases in Ireland more important than 99.99 percent of cases? Surely if we talk of more important victims, those would be the victims who suffered the most. The 99.99 percent of victims I mean. Surely the newspapers should have made it clear that the vast majority of cases of sex abuse in Ireland were occurring in the home, that is in the family setting. Surely by allowing the notion to be propagated that sex abuse was mainly carried out by religious people, surely they have committed the most appalling and egregious crime. The precise crime of which they continuously accuse the Bishops. That is to say, they have covered up sex abuse. By not reporting its true nature and extent, they were themselves effectively covering it up. If Tony O'Reilly's newspapers are guilty, as I believe they are, of pursuing a flagrantly anti Catholic agenda at the expense of the truth in these and other matters, then Bishop, I intend, without judging Tony O'Reilly's immortal soul, to nonetheless express my dissent, my distrust and my disdain for what he is and has been in Irish public life. You will understand the depths of my feelings in this matter. I am going to remain true to my own beliefs by not attending his funeral. Your Reverence, I am holding Tony O'Reilly responsible for the atheistic life styles and pornographic behaviours which I believe his hedonistic publications have fostered and promoted among young people. Yes. At a time when those same young people were never more desperately in need of the saving light of Jesus, I believe his newspapers have plunged them into the most appalling darkness. With all due respect to Your Reverence, I say again. I will not be attending this funeral. And no Bishop. Don't talk to me about Tony O'Reilly's ownership of the twee little magazine Ireland's Own. Ireland's Own is not really pro Catholic. In fact I consider its anodyne insincere insipidly inane attempts to pose as a pro Catholic magazine, I consider these impostures I tell you, to be more invidious than the bigoted stylings of his other publications. Thank you Bishop. Would you like a cup of tea?"That's the way to do it sisters and brothers.
Remind your bishop that Tony O'Reilly's employee Ian O'Doherty falsely malignly and maliciously claimed that the Catholic church was a paedophile ring in an article published in the Irish Independent.
Remind your bishop that Tony O'Reilly is in partnership with British porn baron Richard Desmond to publish The Star.
(Yes the same tabloid newspaper edited by Ger Colleran who crassly, dishonestly, deceitfully and opprobriously claimed on national television that children were screaming for help in every Catholic church presbytery in Ireland. That same Daily Star is half owned by a porn baron. Ger Collaran works for a porn baron. Tony O'Reilly is in partnership with a porn baron. You couldn't make it up.)
Remind your bishop that Tony O'Reilly's employee John Cooney recently called for a boycott of the sacraments.
Remind your bishop that when the numbers of men enrolling for the priesthood shot up in August, Tony O'Reilly's newspapers and the Irish Times suggested people were only joining the priesthood to escape the recession.
Remind your bishop of these things and then ask him does he seriously expect any believing Christian to attend the funeral of this odious anti Catholic bigot.
If your bishop issues you an instruction to attend Tony O'Reilly's funeral, you should then appeal directly to the Pope in Rome.
The Pope is a good man.
He will hear you out. I don't think that under any circumstances the Pope will permit your bishop to force you to attend Tony O'Reilly's funeral.
Hang in there sisters and brothers.
We're winning.
Sincerely.
James Healy
PS: You might politely suggest to your bishop that he himself should consider NOT attending Tony O'Reilly's funeral either. A lot of these bishops are beaten men. But who knows. Maybe an odd one is still a Christian.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

from the heelers phone texts

Heelers.
Since you're the all seeing oracle, what have you to say about the dollar being the currency for oil trading, and sole motivation for the American invasions of Iraq and Libya?
Mary.


The oracle says: Bushwhacker good. Saddam bad. Colonel Gadaffi bad. Barack well intentioned but an incompetent hippy and an abortionist. Govs in Syria and Iran very very bad. Putin, a psycho resovietising Russia and preventing freedom emerging in Syrian and Iran. Islamists threatening all Europe and the world. Anytime I can help, don't hesitate to call.
James

the nigger of the narcissus

It is a source of some amusement to me to see the liberal atheistic anti Catholic newspapers of the Republic of Ireland, printing a photograph every day of liberal atheistic anti Catholic Prime Minister Enda Kenny.
This is the sort of behaviour we normally expect from the American media when it's trying to promote Barack Obama or Jimmy Carter or some other flavour of the month abortionist leftist.
Enda Kenny is a weak, vapid, vacuous, hairstyle of a man.
He is of no interest to anyone.
But he is anti Catholic.
And that is why the bankrupt Irish media keep printing his picture.
Even the super soaraway phone tapping Irish edition of the Sun rarely lets a day go without a splash of the Kenny physog, brialliantly captioned "Enda Kenny."
Does anybody else find this too funny for words?
I mean we all know what he looks like and we all know why atheistic newspapers are printing his photograph.
They fell in love with him after he trumpetted in parliament his egregious, foul and untrue allegations against the Catholic Church.
Yes.
In the Irish parliament, no less, Enda Kenny falsely claimed that the Vatican had obstructed Irish government enquiries into child abuse.
When challenged to substantiate this false claim, Enda Kenny at first refused to comment at all.
Later a spokesman answered the demand that Enda Kenny substantiate his lies, by saying: "He wasn't talking about any specific case."
Yet he had told a very specific and very disgusting lie.
Since that parliamentary debacle, since that trahesion of truth, since that ignominious mendacity which so brought Irish public discourse into disrepute, after that, Enda Kenny could do no wrong as far as the bigoted atheistic bankrupt hoormaster Marxian shills of the Irish Times, Independent Newspapers and RTE were concerned.
But I write all this smiling.
Because today we have a new record holder.
As per usual, the anti Catholic Irish Times carries a smiling photo of Enda Kenny, ingeniously captioned Enda Kenny.
But it's not the standard uninspired manipulativeness of the Irish Times that has me smiling.
It's my old friends at the pharmaceutical company proxy styling itself The Daily Mail.
No articles today about pharmaceutical companies finding a cure for cancer, or pharmaceutical companies finding a cure for Alzheimers, or pharmaceutical companies inventing a new and tastier abortion pill.
Nay, nay and thrice nay.
But on page four, the Daily Mail carries a large photo of Enda Kenny looking radiant.
This is helpfully captioned: "Enda Kenny."
I appreciated the economy and precision of this caption.
Then I turned to the centre pages.
There was a two page spread.
The two pages contained - I am not joking - fifteen pictures of Enda Kenny.
Each one superbly captioned "Enda Kenny."
No newspaper in Ireland has yet surpassed the venal crassness of the Daily Mail when it comes to sycophancy towards this scrotumnal excuse for a Prime Minister.
Fifteen, no sixteen photos of Enda Kenny in one edition in one day.
Hoo baby.
Bold readers we are at war.
It is a cosmic battle.
The forces of Darkness are not invincible.
Though they are everywhere dense.
But sometimes you gorra larf.
You gorra gorra larf.
And let the tyrant beware.

much ado about something i'm not sure what

Miriam O'Callaghan, a broadcaster at Ireland's leftist atheistic State television station RTE, has this week warned of a drop in morale at the station.
Aw bless.
Did diddums get upset because diddums attempts to falsely frame a priest for child rape exploded in diddums face!
RTE is indeed experiencing some unaccustumed public criticism, due to its documentarians' recent attempts to destroy a priest with invented allegations of child rape.
RTE got off lightly in this matter.
A small fine was paid to the priest.
A few hundred grand.
Corrupt kleptocratic Fianna Fail scoundrels like Monica Leech and Donal Kinsella don't even get out of bed for a hundred grand. They got millions for libel courtesy of Judge Eamon De Valera, a descendent of the founder of Fianna Fail, in circumstances where no libel had been committed at all. No libel at all. Except by themselves.
But I digress.
The money paid by RTE to the priest it tried to destroy came from the tax payer.
As did the legal costs.
And the costs of filming the documentary which was intended to cause the priest's suicide.
The RTE journalists who conspired to murder this priest by the vitiation of his reputation, got off scot free.
One of em has been given a high profile job in CNN.
I kid you not.
Low morale indeed.
They're laughing all the way to the State funded bank.
But the great Miriam O'Callaghan says morale at RTE is low.
I suppose we must believe her.
Still the half million dollar salaries and half million dollar travelling expenses and half million dollar pension contributions that she and her atheistic anti Catholic friends draw every year from the public purse at RTE, will no doubt help this shower of Marxian scum to perk up a bit.
Low morale is such hardship isn't it.
But not half as serious as low morals which is something RTE staff also suffer from en mass.
Miriam O'Callaghan notes that morale at the station has dropped even further following criticisms of Presidential election coverage a few months ago.
Now here's the thing.
In its Presidential coverage I personally don't believe RTE did anything wrong.
Here's what happened.
The seven Presidential candidates were guests on a programme hosted by atheistic anti Catholic Pat Kenny.
One of the candidates Sean Gallagher was styling himself an Independent.
He was in fact a ringer, a sleeper candidate, for Ireland's near defunct kleptocratic Fianna Fail Party.
He had formerly been a bag man for Fianna Fail, channelling funds from corrupt donors to that quinessentially corrupt and corrupting Party.
During the programme Pat Kenny read out a comment from the internet.
The comment purported to have been written by a donor of funds to Fianna Fail.
The comment alleged that candidate Sean Gallagher had in the past received money for Fianna Fail from the supposed writer of the comment.
Pat Kenny later read out a statement from the internet that the person who had placed the comment would be appearing at a press conference the following day.
At this point in the programme Sean Gallagher admitted that he may at some stage have received a brown envelope from someone.
Sean Gallagher claimed he did not know what was in the envelope.
This exchange is now credited with costing Sean Gallagher the Presidency.
As indeed it should have.
A subsequent enquiry into the incident, decided that the internet comments had been planted and that Pat Kenny's presentation of them on air without verification was improper.
I do not agree that the odious Pat Kenny or his programme staff did anything wrong in the matter.
I do not agree that the trivial vicissitudes of a Fianna Fail bagman's political failure should be the source of any censure for RTE whatsoever.
I suggest that in this instance, Sean Gallagher should have been quite capable of saying to Pat Kenny: "I don't care if there's a press conference. I never received money from anyone. I am not a bagman for Fianna Fail."
He wasn't capable of saying this.
The internet comment was in my view a gambit by Sean Gallagher's political rivals in Sinn Fein, whose candidate I voted for in the Presidential election.
But the gambit could not have worked unless Sean Gallagher was himself a thoroughgoing scoundrel.
I say it again.
RTE did nothing wrong in the Gallagher affair.
The only scandal relating to RTE, that any of us should be worrying about, is RTE's forty year attempt to destroy the Catholic Church in Ireland.
I note that Eoin Harris, a former Marxist and sometime Senator, now more well known as an anti Catholic contributor at Independent Newspapers, has recently read this blog and has chosen to confirm my assertion that RTE's news output is tainted by Marxian control.
Mr Harris claims to have known several senior RTE news figures who he asserts were Marxists like he was in their youth.
Unlike him, they never renounced their atheistic creed.
This is the most high profile confirmation of what I have been saying about RTE for several decades.
It is the most enduring media scandal in Irish public life that the citizenry have been compelled by law to finance a television station which for forty years was attempting to subvert their Church, their Culture and their Nation.
Interestingly enough, ageing Maoist Vincent Brown, famous for riding menally ill pop singer Sinead O'Connor, has today claimed that RTE suffers from Right wing bias.
Right wing bias, Vincent.
Hoo baby.
We are dealing with the people of the lie.
That's what they are.
Brown et al.
(Particularly Al. I hate him.)
Several years ago, I sat beside an RTE producer on a flight from Italy.
I said to her: "You people are a shower of Bolshevicks."
She replied: "Ah James it was never that bad. One group had control of News. But another group had control of documentaries. And they couldn't stand each other."
You understand this bold readers!
She was openly admitting that Marxist Leninists were running News progammes in RTE and she was at the same time claiming that the public interest at RTE had been protected by a group of Trotskyite Maoists running documentaries.
I kid you not.
Scandals indeed.
Anyhoo noble travellers of the internet, I'm due for tea at the Archbishop of Dublin's Palace, so I've got to rush.
The ranting you've just read, ensued from seeing Miriam O'Callaghan showboating in public about the drop in journalistic morale over scandals at RTE.
But the scandal Miriam O'Callaghan should be most concerned about is the scandal directly pertaining to herself and her husband Snodgrass.
A few years ago, she was being paid hundreds of thousands of dollars a year as a permanent high profile presenter at RTE.
At one and the same time, she was receiving a salary from a private company which was making programmes for RTE starring her and which was being paid for those programmes by RTE.
The company which was making those programmes was run by her husband.
I ask the question.
Just how many wage packets does the O'Callaghan family need to gouge every week from public funds, ie from the money I am compelled by law to pay RTE for the privilege of daring to have a TV in my house?
The scandal doesn't end there.
Miriam O'Callaghan's husband has since been given a job at RTE as Programme Commissioner.
Bless.
Did diddums get a jobbums at wife-ums television station!
Bless.
Talking about the O'Callaghans multiple jobs at RTE is risky business.
The brace and courageous and discerning Alive Catholic newspaper tried to bring some of this into the public domain a few years ago and had to publish a retraction, after Miriam O'Callaghan insisted they had implied some wrong doing on the part of herself and her husband.
Alive had stated the facts but without stressing that the timeframe of her husbands hiring as Programme Commissioner left Miriam O'Callaghan with some plausible deniability in terms of the sneaking suspicion that I had entertained, that her indepenent programmes were being commissioned by her own husband.
Couldn't happen of course.
Such behaviour would be positively scandalous.
Ah the scum, the scum, scummy, scum,. scum.
I mean.
I don't want to go casting no aspoyshuns.
Keep well beautiful friends.
I'll let you know tomorrow how I got on with Archie.

triumph of a judge called liberal

(The Destruction Of Law In The Republic Of Ireland)

Judge Liberal struck again this week with a series of hammer blows against the rule of law.
Most egregious was the paltry six year sentence handed down to a Dublin bitch styling herself Claire Nolan who murdered a 66 year old neighbour by deliberately driving her car at him in his driveway and crushing him to death.
The cocaine addicted murdering bitch had been released a day prior to committing this murder by a Judge Liberal who didn't think possession of cocaine was all that serious a crime.
Lovely lovely people.
The Liberal hearing the murder case decided that the bitch's decision to crush a man to death with her car was something Liberal called manslaughter, and he imposed a sentence of six years on the murdering bitch in question.
She'll be out in two.
This ruling came shortly after another creative bit of sentencing from another Judge Liberal who sentenced a 19 year old thug to six years for murdering a 62 year old man. The 19 year old thug murdered the 62 year old man whom he had apparently chosen at random, by walking up to him in the street and punching him to death.
Liberal decided that the 62 year old man's death was caused by his head hitting the pavement. Liberal considered that this exonerated the 19 year thug who had punched the 62 year old man to death.
Liberal refused to call this murder murder. Liberal refused to call this murder manslaughter. Instead he referred to it as "causing the death of someone."
Hilarious no.
Liberal gave the 19 year old murderer a sentence of six years.
He'll be out in two.
Meanwhile a wife murderer called Eamon Lillis is about to exhibit two paintings at a forthcoming exhibition in Dublin.
He's still behind bars.
But guess what sentence he got for dismantling his wife with a brick.
Six years.
Oh Liberal, you loveable goon.
Similarly with a child rapist called Ray Mulvey who raped his daughter for over a decade and whose identity Judge Liberal tried to protect up until the moment his victim insisted on revealing it.
Whaddayathink Liberal gave Ray Mulvey for a decade of torturing and raping his own daughter?
Six years.
See the pattern.
Six six six.
The number of the beasts.
And by beasts I mean Judge Liberals.
Amidst this maelstrom of high octane violence and pathetic sentencing, we might wryly observe the most recent six year Judge Liberal sentence handed down. Just to keep us guessing Liberal incarcerated a thoroughly decent man for the same period he's incarcerated the murderers. This new and ever more grave insult to the people of Ireland came down just a few days ago when Judge Liberal sentenced a vegetable importer called Paul Begley to six years in jail for some minor tax irregularities in his importation of garlic.
Mr Begley who never broke the law in his life, got the same sentence for minor tax irregularities as the cocaine murderess, the wife killer and the child raping torturer got for crimes against humanity.
I kid you not.
Yes.
Liberal treated Mr Begley as though he were a wife killing child rapist serial killer.
Judge Liberal gave him the same sentence as Liberal gave to the most opprobrious of criminals.
Six years.
Six six six.
It's the number of the beasts.
By beasts, I mean Judge Liberal and his cohorts and accomplices in the courts service, and the police.
The Judges, the lawyers, and the cops.
That's some corrupt bunch of scummers right there folks.
By the way, the four cops who broke into a citizens house last year and beat the living sh-- out of him while imprisoning his mother in the bathroom of the house, have prevented any further investigation of their crimes through a High Court action.
Originally they beat the rap through a Jury which I consider was either criminally cretinous or frankly tainted.
But the police were naturally enough compelled to keep investigating their colleagues.
The initial crime hadn't been invisible you see.
There was corroborative testimony from honest police officers.
At a time when the four corrupt officers had broken into the man's house, the man had indeed had the living sh-- kicked out of him.
So the police undertook an internal investigation with a view to firing the four thugs.
Now even that cursory investigation has been abandoned.
Judge Liberal again.
And justice for all.
By which I mean justice for no one.
No one except wife murders, coke head psycho killers, and child rapists.
Judge Liberal always looks after them.
Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.
Corrupt cops walk free and make a mockery of the law by securing High Courts assistance in derailing any enquiries into what they've done.
And the only people in jail are vegetable importers and 7000 people who didn't pay parking fines or their TV licences last year.
Don't it make you weep.
The newly jailed hardworking vegetable importer Mr Begley had been steadily paying back the small sum he owed the tax authorities.
There was no conceivable reason to jail him.
And that sentence again.
Six years.
Six years for a minor irregularity in his importation tax affairs.
Six years for a man who employs 150 people in Dublin City alone and who I insist has never broken any law in his life and who has three teenage children.
I say it again.
He didn't break any law.
Having a run in with the VAT man isn't breaking the law.
The criminal law, I mean.
The law we all want to see upheld.
The law that says Thou Shalt Not Kill.
Six years.
Judge Liberal's favourite sentence.
He gives six years for murdering a man by crushing him to death with a car.
Six years for beating a randomly chosen senior citizen to death in the streets.
Six years for raping and torturing a child over a ten year period.
And six years for not paying VAT on garlic.
I kid you not.
Folks.
We have to take it back.
And it's not going to be easy.
All you people who've been jailed for non payment of a parking fine, all you people who have been bereaved by someone Judge Liberal chose to give a get of jail free car to, all of you I say, need to get together with me to set up a political party which will fire every Judge Liberal in the land.
This is a cosmic battle.
People have been saying to me that Ireland is completely different to Syria and the other Arab countries which are currently undergoing societal turmoil as their peoples seek a freer life.
It couldn't happen here, James, I am told when I warn darkly of the coming civil war in Ireland.
I smile at this comment.
Let's try firing the Liberal Judges.
And then try firing our corrupt police.
And then try forcing our extortionately overpaid army, nurses, teachers and Civil Service to take an 80 percent pay cut.
And then try repudiating Fianna Fail, Fine Gael and the Labour Party's theft of our nation through the looting of our treasury to bail out gangster banks run by Education Minister Ruairi Quinn's brother Lochlainn.
Let's try it.
And then you'll see just how alike we are unto the Syrians.
In fact, I daresay, we are in a wose situation than they are.
At least in Syria everyone knows the name of their oppressor.
Everyone knows the name of the beast.
Here the oppressors and the beasts hide in the shadows.

our television listings

RTE1
(The Irish National Fraudcaster. A television station of the liberal left wing atheists, by the liberal left wing atheists, for the liberal left wing atheists, but financed by a compulsory tax on the Catholic citizenry of this country who are not themselves permitted to set up a television station to compete with this manipulative pagan drivel. There will come a time when, blah blah blah, the Mayor will have my ass, blah blah blah, this is the last time, blah, by the book, blah, liberals grrrr, blah blah blah, meths lab on Malavista, blah blah etc etc.)
4.25 Murder She Wrote. Jessica deals with a phantom haunting an office building. After an hour of charming amateur detective work she concludes the phantom is actually the janitor Old Myers, who's been disguising himself as a ghost in order to scare people away while he digs in the basement for diamonds. These things happen. Usually in Scooby Doo.
5.20 Nuacht. No, still don't know what this is.
5.30 The Bill. Cor blimey, the kids are gonna love this week's episode when they cor blimey come in from cor blimey school. RTE's ongoing battle to turn the entire Republic of Ireland into a cockney enclave continues with the cor blimey coppers of Sun Hill once more tackling cor blimey crime with all the skill and dedication that modern social workers can bring to the cor blimey job. This afternoon's episode is specially geared towards children who are the only one's watching television at this time. Detective Inspector Neil Manson is under investigation by the National Crime Squad. The investigation takes a new turn when Manson is attacked and drugged. Mannix this ain't. If you find The Bill even momentarily entertaining, please write and tell me. I could do with a laugh. Cor blimey indeed.
6.00 The Angelus. Rung by Quasimodo.
6.01 The News and News For The Deaf. (They shout the second part.)
7.00 Nationwide. Yawn fest.
7.30 This Is Me. Maurice Corcoran talks about his battle with the sleep disorder narcolepsy. It is ironic that RTE should be showing this programme since scholars agree that RTE itself is one of the prime causes of narcolepsy.
8.00 Eastenders. Cor blimey where's me debased licence fee funded social pornograpy gone? Oh it's right here.
8.30 Customs. Documentary programme. Tonight a passenger makes a run for it at Dublin airport. I hope he's a peaceloving follower of the religion of Islam and that he escapes to make a new home for himself as a street sign holder working for the Black Jackets Arab Pakistani Muslim crime gang on Grafton Street. Yeah. We could do with a few more of those. I wonder would they like to have Sharia law introduced into Ireland. I'm sure they'll tell us eventually.
9.00 News. In case anything's happened since six o'clock.
9.30 Father And Son. New drama which dribbles on for four episodes. It's an RTE and UTV coproduction financed by me. Really just another cor blimey glorification of criminality and atheistic ideology masquerading as dramatic realism. Wait till you hear the fake working class accents. British and Irish ones mixed together this time. Cor blimey. Top o the morning to you Sorr. And of course begorrah and begob. Starring the abysmal Stephen Rea. I remember fifteen years ago when I starred with Stephen Rea in a Channel Four pro IRA film called A Further Gesture. Well, Stephen Rea starred in it. I was an extra. It flopped of course. But never mind. It was financed by the European Union. So only the citizens of Europe were getting gypped. I kid you not. Stephen Rea spent his days on the set glaring at me. I appeared in the prison scenes with him so we were in close proximity a lot. While filming I used to remain in character for the full sixteen hour day. I had an ambition to be an actor you see and still believed such things as merit could make a difference. Rea found this absolutely hilarious. Again I kid you not. Truly he was a tit. No not a tit. Tits are good things and occasionally have careers. Stephen Rea was a stage Irishman being paid tax payers' money to do a job no member of the public would ever willingly pay him to do if given a choice. Ah memories. Here's to you Rea. No hard feelings mate. Cor blimey. Oh pale Northie ham, how thou hast conquered. I wonder which of us, history will adjudge to have made the more lasting contribution to the arts. The funny thing is that when we extras were summoned to collect our pay checques, Channel Four had put a notice on the door telling us to come back tomorrow. About 15o of us had been told to be at the studio offices on a particular day at a particular time. Rather than phoning us to tell us they'd changed the plan, they let us all show up, find the notice, and come back another day. This from the brave humanitarian Channel Four who were so intent on heroic depictions of the IRA. Hilarious, no? I politely asked to speak to the producer about why the extras had not been paid at the appointed time and why no effort had been made to spare them an unnecessary journey to Dublin. An horrendous blonde harridan from the production staff at Irish Town films had the security men throw me off the set. Irish Town films were partners with Channel Four on the doomed project. Classy classy people.
10.30 Questions And Answers. A special valedictory episode. With emphasis on the dics. Celebrating thirteen years of the panel discussion programme. Can it really be just thirteen years since John Bowman and Olivia O'Leary began sneering at Catholic values in synchronised harmony at tax payers' expense? My, we have been privileged. Warning, warning. This programme may cause narcolepsy. Fire in the disco. Fire in the disco. Fire in the gates of hell. Fire in the documentaries department. Fire in the Director General's office. Fire in the taco bell. Danger, danger, high voltage. When we touch, when we kiss, when we touch. Danger, danger, high voltage, when we pseudo intellectualise. When we diss. When we diss. When we diss. Diss 1500 years of Irish Christianity and the faith of our fathers, that is... Sorry, I lost it there for a moment.
11.45 News. You gotta love the news department at RTE. You gotta love it or lump it.
11.50 Mad Men. I have no idea what this programme is about.
12.45 Hope And Glory. 1997 Film from Director John Boorman about his cosmically boring childhood in wartime Britain. Incidentally, Boorman is most famous for a line in his whining self pitying autobiography where he presumes to assert that the Irish people have been tragically oppressed by the Catholic church. I found it vaguely disturbing that a British piece of crap like Boorman should dare to allege Catholic oppression had occurred in Ireland. So Boorman, a British person, thinks the Catholic church oppressed Ireland. Ironic, eh? Any other oppressors spring to mind John? Here is the news. The Catholic church is the treasure of Ireland. The Catholic church has shaped, liberated and enlightened our nation and culture for more than 1500 years. The Catholic church has enabled the Irish people to see off 800 years of British oppression and to avoid the slavery of communism which has ravaged three quarters of the planet earth. The Catholic church is what we are. You anodyne atheistic left wing hipster doophus. Yes. Boorman is a cosmic dribbler. Of course RTE love him. They showed Excalibur again yesterday for some god awful unknown reason. Tripe and onions as with all Boorman films. The mayor will have my ass. Blah, blah, blah etc etc.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

limericks

The Archbishop of Dublin is in slavery
To a habit obscene and unsavoury
With maniacal howls
He deflowers young owls
Which he keeps in an underground aviary


The Limerick's an art form complex
Whose contents run chiefly to sex
It's famous for virgins
And masculine urgins
And vulgar erotic effects

Monday, March 12, 2012

archie's finest hour

Coffee with Baines in the White Water Centre.
He says: "So now that Archie is referencing you at his press conferences, does that mean you'll become one of his fans? I've never known you yet to continue an enmity with someone who reads your blog."
I reply: "Don't get me wrong Bainesy. But you're hitting the nail on the head. I do indeed admit a certain sneaking admiration for Archie's taste in blogs. In fact I'll go further. If Archbishop Diarmuid Martin continues to subvert the Catholic Church from within for the next thousand years, men will still say, this was his finest hour."

the monica leech laugh in

Question: What do you get if you cross Archbishop Diarmuid Martin with Amanda Knox?
Answer: Whatever the hell it is, don't turn your back on it.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

noises off

Live Coverage Of United Nations Envoy Kofi Annan's Consultations With Basher Assad President Of Syria
(Heelers Diaries exclusive)
******

Kofi: (In serene, warm, well modulated tones.) "The international community is concerned about the rising levels of violence in Syria."
(Sounds of explosions from the street.)
Basher Assad: "There is no violence here."
(Boom, boom. bathoom, Aieeeeeeeee.)
Kofi: "I accept your point. But there are concerns about the breakdown in relations between the Syrian government and its opposition."
Basher: "Any solution must be negotiated."
(Sounds of tanks firing into a crowd of people.)
Kofi: "There are fears that the country could descend into civil war."
(Sounds of machine gun fire. A woman screaming: "My babies, my babies.")
Basher Assad: "The sovereignty of Syria may not be tampered with by external powers. Except for Russia of course."
(Shrieks, rifle fire, missiles detonating in apartment buildings nearby.)
Kofi: "I recognise that your government has legitimate concerns about the interventionist aspirations of the Americans, the British and other Western countries."
(Sounds of flame throwers and the screams of the immolated. The window sashes in the plush office shake gently.)
Basher Assad: "The Syrian government favours peace. We have no intention of persecuting anyone. Vladimir Putin told me yesterday that he thinks I'm doing a splendid job."
(A tremendous series of explosions from outside.)
Kofi: (Sipping his tea.) "I am calling on the opposition and your own forces to stop the violence."
(Missile fire and the sound of collapsing buildings.)
Basher Assad: "I respect your call. There will be no further violence from the government as of this moment."
(For a moment Kofi's reply is inaudible over the machine guns, grendades, sniper fire, flame throwers, missiles, helicopter gunships, throat slittings, dismemberments, rapes, baby killings, and tankfire.)
Kofi: "... and I'd like to thank you for seeing me at such short notice Mr President. I will be urging the opposition to lay down their arms in recognition of the assurances you have given me."
(Basher pauses as sounds of soldiers raping women and children then slitting their throats infiltrate the room from the corridor outside. In spite of himself, Kofi raises a regal eyebrow imperceptibly. It is the most emotion he's shown since his visit began.)
Bashar: Thank you for your time. The people of Syria are in your debt.
(All further conversation is rendered impossible by a renewed cacophony of explosions, screams, and general mayhem. Kofi Annan and Basher Assad stand and embrace briefly. Then they walk arm in arm together to a sink in the corner of the office where they ritually attempt to wash the blood from their hands.)

die hard with a heelers

The story so far: Terrorist Hans Gruber (played by Archbishop Diarmuid Martin) has hijacked the Archbishop's Palace in Dublin. His henchmen are holding a group of token Catholic Journalists hostage in the lobby while extorting the Irish government into ever greater persectutions of ageing Bishops, Priests and Nuns. Archie's hostages, the Tokens, are fake Catholic journos who get paid to help anti Catholic media groups hide in plain sight while cheerleading the persecutions and pogroms. I'm talking about Mary Kenny, the bleeding heart professional handwringers Mark Dooley, Breda O'Brien, and  David Quinn, and even more ridiculously Katie Kerrigan, who says she's entitled to define herself as a Catholic because she sends one of her progeny to a Catholic School, and most ridiculously of all Fiona Looney, whose only god is whatever newspaper proprietor will pay her for her verbiage. I mean I don't want to go casting no aspoyshuns. Anyhoo. Archbishop Machiavelli Martin is holed up in the Palace with his hostages. The only problem is Bruce Willis (played by me) has been picking off Archie's allies, and occasionally his Tokens, one by one. Now Archie is in his office with John Waters, a well meaning Token from the Irish Times who after a lifetime attempting to destroy the Catholic Church and persuading women to kill their own unborn babies, had a romantic liaison with pop singer Sile DeValera details of which he's insisted on inflicting on the public ever since, and then, seeing which way the wind was blowing, promptly staged a Christian conversion. (Sile De Valera? Ah Heelers if you're going to say something so opprobriously un Christian, could you not at least get the name right? - Ed note.) (I couldn't be arsed. - Heelers note.) God only knows if it's genuine. I get weary of John Waters' defences of the Church which seem to draw on the vocabulary of this blog and yet still implicitly perpetuate every lie inserted in the public mind about the ancient Faith by his employers. I'm just saying is all. Okay. So John Waters is one of the Token Catholic hostages Archie is holding. And he's gone to Archie in his office claiming that he can talk Heelers into surrender. As we join them, John Waters is addressing Heelers through a walkie talkie with Archie looking on. Archie is played by that Brit actor. The good one. Alan Stanford. No. Not Alan Stanford. What's his face. Alan Baines. Alan Something. He played DeValera in that awful Neil Jordan film about the Irish civil war. Eamon De Valera. Not Sile. Rickman. That's it. Alan Rickman. Or Hans Gruber. Whatever his real name is.

John Waters: "Heelers. Heelers. You there Heelers?"
Bruce Willis: "Who is this?"
John Waters: "Oh come on Heelers. You haven't forgotten your old buddy from the Irish Times, John Waters, have you?"
Bruce Willis: "John what are you doing?"
John Waters: "I'm here with Archbishop Diarmuid Martin."
Bruce Willis: "John you crazy ass hole. Get out of there."
John Waters: "James you got Archie all wrong. He's not your enemy. He's a businessman. An operator. A negotiator. And so am I. Now I figure I can negotiate a solution to your little disagreement about the perfect model for Catholicism in Ireland. You don't see eye to eye. You need a go between. Am I right?"
Bruce Willis: "John so help me, get out of there. These are bad people. You don't know what they'll do."
John Waters: "Archie thinks he should be running the show. But you want a more collegial Church, one that doesn't turn upon the previous generations merely to please a bunch of liberal atheists in the modern era. I just gotta bring you guys together. Am I right?"
Bruce Willis: "John for God's sake..."
John Waters: "Now Archie has launched a hostile takeover of the Catholic Church in Ireland. You're leading a share holder revolt. Archie wants to buy out all the remaining shares. So you've refused Archie's initial offer. You've made a counter offer. You've told him to f--- off. Now Archie is going to respond to your counter offer with his counter counter offer. (Addressing Archie.) Am I right?"
Archie: (Addressing John Waters, while cocking a revolver, dripping evil, and sounding very like Alan Rickman at his most Alan Rickmanesque) You're very perceptive.
John Waters: "James, you gotta learn to play the game. Take Tony O'Reilly's shilling. Or the Irish Times shilling. Or RTE's. It's not such a bad way to live. You can still be a Catholic in your private life."
Bruce Willis: "Now listen to me John. Get the hell out of there."
John Waters: "James, nothing you can do will make a difference. Come on man. Join us. Stop taking it so personal every time Archie, Yvonne Murphy, and The Irish Times decide to ruin an ageing Bishop or a priest or a nun. Why should it matter to you if Archie framed Cardinal Sean Brady? Sure the tendentious untrue allegations of concealing child abuse against Cardinal Brady only emerged after Cardinal Brady failed to back Archie at the meeting with the Pope in Rome. And sure the allegations against the Pope for the same thing, emerged only when the Pope refused to back Archie in firing every Bishop in Ireland and letting Archie pick their successors. But James, this doesn't have to matter to you. There's a good life for you right here right now, in the new reformed Archie run Catholic Church. You just gotta learn to play ball. And forget about those people that Archie and his liberal atheistic friends need to ruin in order for Archie to conquer the Catholic Church in Ireland and remake it in his own image. Am I right?"
Bruce Willis: "John, I'm only going to say this once. These guys are not your friends. Get the f--- out of there."
John Waters: "Join us James. Join me and Mary Kenny and David Quinn and Breda O'Brien and all the other Tokens. You could have a good life. We get paid you know."
Bruce Willis: "You poor sonofabitch."
John Waters: (Thoroughly relaxed) James. Archie's pointing a gun at me. You gotta come in and surrender. Like I say. Join us. (Grinning and winking at Archie) Archbishop Martin promises he'll treat you well."
Bruce Willis: "For God's sake get the hell out."
(There is a gunshot. Archbishop Diarmuid Martin picks up the walkie talkie.)
Archie: "Are you still there?"
Bruce Willis: "Yeah, I'm here."
Archie: "You have me at a disadvantage. You know me but I don't know you."
Bruce Willis: "I'm just the regular fly in the ointment Archie, the monkey in the wrench, the kotuchoni in the dubzealyonee."
Archie: "Are you a priest?"
Bruce Willis: (Makes a buzzing sound as though Archie got a television game show question wrong.) Wrong answer Archie. You wanna go for Double Jeopardy? You could win a kick in the bawls.
Archie: (With sudden vehemence.) I know what you are. You're just another would be Ronald Reagan swaggering around in a cowboy hat trying to save the Catholic Church from those of us who have already conquered it from within and made it our creature. You think the Free World won the Cold War because of Reagan and Pope John Paul the Second. But I'll tell you something. We won it. We never went away. We, the enemy within. And now we shall reap the full fruits of our victory. Do you really think you can defeat me, and Yvonne Murphy, and the Irish Times, and RTE, and Independent Newspapers, and the Marxian Fine Gael Labour Party Combo? What chance have you against us, Mr Wannabe Ronald Reagan?"
Bruce Willis: "I was always more partial to Mrs Thatcher myself."
Archie: "I will destroy you. Nyah, ha, ha, Gee Force!"
Heelers: "Yipeekayay Reverend Motherf-----."
(And I meant it to sting.)