The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

My Photo
Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Friday, May 13, 2016


(celebrating the 1916 Rising with the Heelers Diaries)

Phonecall to the diva.
She is in typical maddeningly abstract form.
Whilst I wonder why I ever ring her, she maudlins merrily about the heroes of 1916.
"Think of their courage," she says. "We all owe them for what they did in giving their lives for Ireland."
I am nonplussed.
"Are you from an IRA family?" I ask.
"Well James," quoth she, "I'd be happy if we had the full 26 counties."
"What?" says I dangerously.
"I'm just saying I'd be happy if we had the 26 counties," quoth she.
"We do have 26 counties you daft bint," I tell her patiently, "you can get drummed out of the Rah for not knowing that."
The diva corrected course.
"Slip of the tongue," she proclaimed, "of course I knew that. I meant to say the full 32 counties. I'd prefer if we had the full 32 counties."
This seemed an ideal moment to quote Des Egan's famous poem written admidst the early bombing campaigns of the 1970's.
I didn't quote it because the diva is a gibbon, but I'll quote it to you gentle travellers of the internet:
"two wee children were playing tig near a parked car
how many counties would you say
are worth their scattered fingers"

Thursday, May 12, 2016

idea for a political cartoon to be drawn by bolshie leftist atheist abortionist cartoonist martyn turner of the irish times indeed it is a long road that knows no turning when i am passing on ideas to this fellow

Gerry Adams, the leader of the IRA terrorist mafia and also parliamentary leader of the IRA's proxy political party Sinn Fein, is alone watching television in an armchair with his feet on a pouffe.
A family photo on the wall shows a happy group of adults and children all wearing balaclavas and clutching Kalashnikovs.
Gerry Adams looks enthused by what he is watching.
A speech balloon has him saying:
"Go on Jango, cut him, that's it, cut him good. Ah this brings back happy memories."
A little hen in the bottom corner of the cartoon addresses us thusly: "I wonder what he thought of The Godfather."

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

a letter to the future

there are those who will tell you it all happened quite suddenly
rationalising and prevaricating with academic disdain
as once they rationalised to euthanise the elderly
our societies fell before the jihadis cam

as once they rationalised their pornogrification of the peasantry
with drugs and abortions and a cult of the inane
oh how they applauded themselves for their cultured highmindedness in repudiating christianity
our societies fell before the jihadis came

in the end most of us were too narcoticised to notice hell
mohommedan monstrousness blended somewhat with our own shame
after all the hell of islam is just another hell
our societies fell before the jihadis came

donald trump's hostile takeover of the republican party in america

My predictions...
Various respected and some not so respected Republican party members will never support Donald Trump in any way.
Mr Trump calls them elites but they are people who have submitted to the electorate at election time and therefore they are not elites.
They are honorable servants of the people appointed by the people.
Here is the news.
Mr Trump's former rival for the Republican presidential nomination Ted Cruz will never support Donald Trump. Mr Trump's insults to Mr Cruz' wife, his additional libels against Mr Cruz father, and his association with those systematically slandering Mr Cruz via media, mean Mr Cruz would not spit on Trump if he was on fire.
Marco Rubio will never support Donald Trump for similar reasons.
Jeb Bush will never support Donald Trump, nor will any member of the Bush family or the town former Presidents George Bush for similar reasons.
Former Presidential candidate Mitt Romney will never support Donald Trump.
Republican leader Paul Ryan will never support Donald Trump.
These are decent people.
Trump has burnt his bridges with them.
How much more will he burn to get his hands on the Presidency?
There is a broad constituency of decency in America which often but not always votes Republican.
This constituency will never vote for Donald Trump.
That is all.


Er, that's it...

descant of man

My feminist cousin Pauline negotiating with a passing Middle Eastern man who wishes her to stock his range of honeys in her Mannah vegetable shop.
She agrees to give the honeys a trial run.
"Let's shake on it," she says, extending her hand.
"I cannot touch you," says the man recoiling.
"You see it's his culture," she explained when she told the story to me.
"I know." I said, "but you're a f---ing feminist for f---'s sake, if an unborn f---ing baby did that to you, you'd have wrung his f---ing neck."


if I should die and you have wish to please my soul
say a prayer for me on some night of rain and wild wind
or visit kilcullen and wink at some comely girl in the tearman cafe
or give some IRA skanger a root in the bawls as he saunters down main street as if he owns it

providence and protestants

I regard Protestantism as one of God's greatest gifts to the Catholic Church.
Even early in our 500 year old quarrel, the critique of Protestants helped Catholics towards self reflection and reform.
Much later the Protestants of Britain have given beautiful example in knowledge of the Bible.
They have led us to the scriptures.
In America in many cases it is Protestants who have shown us how to defend the sanctity of life of the unborn child.
On the mystical front, the cool assessment of Protestant thinking regarding some Catholics enthusiasms for saints, can help Catholics in adopting a measured stewardship of our ancient traditions of faith, particularly vis a vis the supernatural reality of the Blessed Virgin Mary.
We should be aware that certain adventurist or even evil minded participants in our Church would willingly deem Mary a person of the godhead, thereby quite possibly disrupting the central tenet of all our faith regarding the immutability of God, and leading us in a welter of warm fuzzy feelings into goddess worship.
The Protestants have been a blessing to Christianity.
An enemy who points out my failings is not my enemy for so doing.
We are an act of friendship from being as one.


if i should die
think only this of me
i don't want a death notice going in the irish times or the irish independent newspapers
the tradition whereby irish people
pay a tax of 500 quid
to the most anti catholic newspaper groups in europe
for the privilege of dying
is one i do not approve of