The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Saturday, October 02, 2010

a charter for the defeat of the muslim al qaeda terror armies currently infiltrating our countries

1. Expel them all.
2. Don't let them on aeroplanes.
3. Permit no further Muslim immigration in any form.
4. Er, that's it.

youngish doctors in trouble

My brother Doctor Barn and two of his friends, Doctor Gommie Farrell from Longford and Doctor David Bennett the Registrar at Kerry General Hospital, went to England last weekend.
Their destination was the dulcet city of Bermingham where a philanthropic organisation styling itself Sky Sports was hosting a boxing tournament.
After a busy few weeks of saving lives, the Irish doctors wanted nothing more in a holiday than to relax watching grown men trying to beat each other to a pulp.
As they made their way along the aisles of the Bermingham Arena, Doctor Bennet the Kerry doctor let out a cry.
"There's someone in my seat," he proclaimed, pushing his way ahead.
Arriving at the seat in question Doctor Bennet cleared his throat.
"I'm sorry, Sir," he said peremptorily, "But you appear to be in my seat."
The man in the seat shook his head.
"No mate," he said. "This is my seat."
The Kerryman saw red.
"Now listen," he said drawing himself up to his full five feet five inches of doctorly height. "I have my ticket right here and this is definitely my seat."
Somewhere due west of this discussion the other two doctors had paused in the aisle.
Doctor Gommie Farrell turned to my brother.
"This is about to get interesting," he mused.
"Why?" enquired Doctor Barn.
Doctor Gommie Farrell drew a deep breath.
"Because firstly that is not Bennet's seat," he explained. "And secondly the guy he's talking to is David Hay the WBO World Heavyweight Boxing Champion."

Friday, October 01, 2010

war on terror chortles

1. The much awaited 200th episode of South Park has been shelved by British television bosses over fears Muslims might use it as justification for a terrorist attack. The episode featured an animated version of the Muslim Prophet Muhammed. The decision was made after Muslims attempted to bomb Times Square when the episode was broadcast in the United States a few months ago. There has been no media commentary, either in newspapers or on televsision, about the decision by television bosses to appease Muslim terrorists by deliberately suppressing a cartoon. You couldn't make it up.
2. Yet another Al Qaeda panic sowing mission took place on a transatlantic flight from North America last week. A plane bound for Pakistan was diverted to Sweden after a Pakistani Al Qaeda agent told crew members that there was a bomb on board. This is now a standard tactic for Al Qaeda in seeking to spread disruption through commerical air travel while at the same time probing airline security procedures and response methodologies. Since panic sowing missions do not result in arrests, it is a no lose situation for Al Qaeda. Until we start arresting or shooting Al Qaeda agents on panic sowing missions, these incidents will continue to proliferate. Swedish police released the Al Qaeda agent without charge, insisting there was "insufficient evidence" to hold him. Hilarious no. Presumably they'd consider detaining him if he'd actually blown up the plane. But they've let him go without so much as a slap on the wrist. Must try harder next time, eh Swedes? You couldn't make it up.
3. The Muslim strategy of using spurious hate crimes laws to criminalise anyone who opposes the Muslim infiltration of Europe is gathering pace. The show trial of Dutch politician Geert Wilders in the Netherlands resumed this week even as his political party was on the verge of entering government. The charges are trumped up and purely notional. But the smear is real enough. Mr Wilders has been resoundingly elected to the Dutch parliament, promising to end Muslim immigration to the Netherlands. The court case is merely an underhand ploy by shadowy unelected terrorist activists to circumvent the public mandate he has been given and to render his point of view unspeakable. The liberal leftists of the Dutch Judiciary and Parliament are also implicated in the manoeuvre. For as their own popular mandate wanes, they have forged an insane alliance with Muslims in order to prevent the will of the people being recognised. It will all end in tears. Or at the very least conflagration. The use of the courts to advance Islamist agendas was previously seen in Canada when Muslims sought to criminalise the commentator Mark Steyn with a similar show trial. As it happened Steyn cleaned their clocks. But the stakes were high. They came within an ace of rendering the publication of Mark Steyn's writings, an illegal act. Remember folks. If the Muslims, and their ad hoc partners the Liberal Left, can control what we say, they can control what we think. Such show trials are a comparatively recent phenomenon in the Netherlands. Previously Muslims in the Netherlands simply butchered politicians they didn't like (ie Prime Minister in waiting Pym Fortyn), or else ran them out of the country, (ie Parliamentarian Ayaan Hirsi Ali). You couldn't make it up.
4. Muslim terrorist sympathisers in Britain have blocked access to The Heelers Diaries from libraries in the south of England. The website has also been blocked at Muslim run internet cafes on Grafton Street in Dublin. You couldn't make it up.
5. A Police Chief in Britain has apologised this evening to Muslim communities in Bermingham for daring to erect closed circuit television cameras in public areas near where they live. The cameras were erected because known terrorists were using safe houses in the area. And the Chief of Police has just issued an apology to the terrorists land ladies for spying on them. You couldn't make it up.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

the failed independent newspapers irish times rte sponsored boycott of the catholic church

A boycott of the Catholic Church, promoted by Independent Newspapers, the Irish Times and RTE, was roundly ignored by the citizenry all over Ireland last weekend.
Certainly churches in Newbridge where I attended mass had larger than usual congregations.
The adoration chapel in Newbridge where one can go to meet the Lord in the communion host, was actually full when I dropped by.
Adoration can be a somewhat neglected form of worship among the general public.
When I saw there there were no available seats in the Adoration Chapel, my eyes widened.
There are failed boycotts.
And then there are failllllllllllllllllllllled boycotts.
And then there's this one.
The Independent Newspapers, Irish Times, RTE boycott was an abject failure.
Not their first failed boycott, mind.
But their greatest failed boycott.
Independent Newspapers, the Irish Times and RTE have in recent years tried to talk up numerous boycotts of the Catholic Church.
John Cooney of Independent Newspapers attempted to promote a boycott of the sacraments last year.
He failed.
The Irish Times had also repeatedly suggested a boycott of the collection plate might be on the cards.
All three media groups recently gave massive prominence to a story about a website promoting resignations from the Catholic Church.
The website claimed to have received thousands of visitors the moment it was launched.
Ah yes.
Thousands of itchy Refresh Bar fingers on the hands of those running the website.
(cf: Visitor numbers to Johnston Press/Leinster Leader websites.)
Those of us involved with Internet media know that website figures are routinely falsified by their promoters.
All that is necessary is for the promoter to hit the Refresh Bar key on their computer and the website will record a visit.
No new website (or Youtube segment for that matter) gets thousands of visitors within a day.
It can't happen.
But their promoters can hit their Refresh Bars ten thousand times in a day.
That can happen alright.
Hoo baby.
Hilarious no.
So the Irish Times was maintaining that this unknown anti Catholic website had been visited by thousands of people.
And I'm Captain Kirk.
Independent Newspapers publicised similar claims.
RTE did likewise, featuring the website's supposed founders (Hint: we must postulate that the website was actually set up by the anti Catholic media groups themselves), featuring the supposed founders I say, a collection of smooth talking empty headed pseudo urbanites, parading them in reverent tones as though they'd actually made some contribution to our culture or our world, raising them high on the altars of prime time chat shows through the largesse of a television station financed by compulsory Stalinist taxation on... me.
What was it Joe Stalin and the old style commies used to say?
"James Healy will pay us the licence fee with which we will make programmes designed to callumniate the church he believes in so that we can ensure Ireland remains enslaved to Satan."
Something like that.
In any case the website failed.
Failed to make any real impression.
Failed to get thousands of people to download and submit its "application forms" for resignation from the Catholic Church.
Failed even when liberal leftist infiltrator Archbishop Diarmuid Martin with much fanfare issued a formal certificate of resignation to a person who submitted one such application form to him.
A formal certificate from the Archbishop no less.
A formal certificate noting that the Archbishop hoped the church as a whole could learn from this person who had just resigned from it.
Show me the way to the vomitorium.
All this even though a resignation form has never at any time in human history been necessary for anyone wishing to leave the Catholic Church.
You just leave.
And good luck to you.
All the Independent Newspapers, Irish Times and RTE sponsored boycotts and their attendant divide-and-conquer publicity campaigns.
But they don't give up, do they!
They learn.
Not the honest lessons of their wrongdoing.
No, they don't learn those.
That's not the sort of people they are.
They learn different lessons from each failed attentat against the ancient faith.
The only lessons they learn or seek to learn, relate to how they might perpetrate even greater wrongdoing in their next attack.
The latest boycott attempt was more subtle than the previous blatently bigoted ones.
Let me be clear at the risk of repeating myself.
It's not that the anti Catholic media groups are learning from their mistakes.
At least not in the sense that they have become capable of admitting their own virulent evil.
They have merely been honing their bigotries.
Just a little more subtle every time.
For this time Independent Newspapers, the Irish Times and RTE had a stalking horse whom they used to call for their boycott.
The stalking horse was an 82 year old woman called Jennifer Sleeman.
Jennifer Sleeman is a supposed convert to Catholicism whose son is a monk.
The perfect Trojan Horse.
This time the atheistic media groups didn't allow their boycott to be a nebulous suggestion floating on the wind as they had done in the past.
This time a specific date was announced for the boycott from the word go, with Jennifer Sleeman making her impassioned plea on the cover of the Irish Times a full two months in advance.
During the two months a steady stream of promotional articles and reports were disseminated to maximise public support.
Nor was the cause left unspecific.
Not just a general repudiation of Catholicism.
This cleverly manipulated and staged boycott was to be in support of the ordination of women priests.
Clever eh?
Divide and conquer!
I think that's the motto of the Irish Times, isn't it?
By the way, Independent Newspapers motto is: "We are Tony O'Reilly worshipping coke heads."
And RTE's is: "You pay for us regardless of whether you watch us or endorse our bigotries or not. Nyah, ha, ha, G Force."
So for two months Independent Newspapers, the Irish Times and RTE fed us every manner of lies about Jennifer Sleeman's boycott.
Their first lie being that they maintained it was Jennifer Sleeman's boycott and not their own.
Their second lie, just as crassly and insistently proclaimed, was that the boycott call had received widespread popular support.
They lied, and they lied, and just when you thought they could lie no more, they lied again.
The lies proliferated.
It did no good.
A week before the boycott was due to take place they got scared.
No popular movement had coalesced around their stalking horse, Jennifer Sleeman.
More and more Catholics were deriding the boycott as yet another piece of media sponsored anti Catholic bigotry.
The game was all but up.
Independent Newspapers, the Irish Times and RTE shifted tack.
Rather than admit that their boycott had failed, they began to place news stories suggesting that some Catholics would support the boycott by wearing green ribbons to mass.
This was a perfect piece of snivelling evil.
Because it would allow Independent Newspapers/Irish Times/RTE activists who wouldn't normally be within an asses roar of a Church, to go along and showboat themselves as supporting the now near non existent boycott which they themselves had been striving unsuccessfully to orchestrate, and which they themselves otherwise could never have meaningfully supported since they're not mass goers anyway, allow them to take part in their own simulacrum of a boycott of a religious ceremony, allow them to support a boycott of the Church by actually attending Church, attending it of course without actually believing in anything so arcane as, er, God.
Still no groundswell of public opinion arose around the latest manoeuvre.
The green ribbons looked to be attracting no takers.
There was one more card left to play for Independent Newspapers, the Irish Times and RTE as their boycott collapsed around them.
They claimed that members of the public were about to begin a letter writing campaign to their Bishops in support of the boycott.
Letter writing campaigns are yet another perfect tool for the atheistic left wing.
Because there's no way of knowing if the letters they contrive were written by real people.
And then Sunday arrived.
And time was up.
And the boycott was upon us.
And the boycott didn't happen.
There was no boycott.
No green ribbons.
No empty churches.
Oh maybe Jennifer Sleeman and a few Irish Times fembos who don't attend mass anyway, stayed home and indulged themselves in their fantasy that the country had risen at their behest to boycott our beautiful and true religion.
And RTE did find one prearranged green ribbon wearing feminist waiting for their prearranged camera at Lucan church.
But that was it.
I'm telling you folks.
I was there at the weekend.
The churches were full.
Lovely young people.
Lovely old people.
Lovely unemployed.
Lovely workers.
Lovely families.
Lovely unmarrieds.
Lovely Africans.
Lovely filippinos.
Lovely travelling people.
Lovely stay at home types.
Lovely athletes.
Lovely cripples.
All God's children.
Apparently word of the Independent Newspapers, Irish Times, RTE boycott of the Catholic Church hadn't quite reached heaven.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

al qaeda at play

Osama Bin Laden looked up from his lunch.
"These United Nations food rations aren't bad," he expectorated through a mouthful of pretzels. "The UN is really getting their act together for Pakistan flood relief. A big improvement I'd say and not before time. Pity we didn't have a flood nine years ago."
His men laughed heartily.
They were well fed on UN relief aid.
They were well wrapped in clothes supplied by UN approved charities.
They were well sheltered in tents presented courtesy of the UN High Commissioner for Refugees.
"Anybody feel like torturing a British aid worker?" grinned Osama.
His men cheered.
Osama stood up.
"I never like to torture on an empty stomach," he deadpanned.
The happy throng walked from the campfire towards the trussed aid worker whom they'd kidnapped in Afghanistan and brought to Pakistan last week.
What happened next was unspeakable.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010


footballers cheer a score
pat carroll shoots rabbits in the gloom
children steal crab apples
and farmer byrne calls the cattle home
perhaps this chaotic place
is not kilcullen in the present time
but a dusty frontier town
at the heart of ancient palestine
the sounds dissolve
into a muted half felt bliss
fluted by fond memory
and a strange provincial holiness

Monday, September 27, 2010

just once

Just once I'd like Captain Kirk to turn to Mr Spock and say: "We are stardust. We are golden. And we've got to get back to the garden."

the contessa returns

Evgenia is back in Ireland after a few months on the French Riviera.
We're quaffing tea in the Insomnia Cafe near Trinity College.
She looks like an angel.
It's Autumn in the street outside.
"Did you listen to the CD player I gave you?" quoth she.
"No," sez me.
"Why not?"
"Because I thought maybe you'd impregnated it with Polonium 90."
"You still think I'm trying to kill you?"
I favour her with a rueful version of my famous Paddington Bear stare.
"Are you an agent of the KBG?" I challenge.
"Can you look me in the eyes and say that?"
"I am looking you in the eyes."
"Would you kill me if Vladimir Putin asked you to kill me?"
"I don't even know Vladimir Putin."
"That wasn't the question."
"Okay, no I wouldn't kill you even if Vladimir Putin rang me up  out of the blue and asked me very nicely to do so."
I sit back in my chair with a sigh.
"I suppose they'd hardly let you have access to the Polonium 90 cupboard just to kill a lowly Irish blogger," I muse.
"Of course they wouldn't," says she.
I find the way she says it curiously disconcerting.
I change the subject.
"Did you meet Prince Albert while you were in Monaco?" I ask with a mischievous grin.
"He played golf with us at the weekends," sez she.
"You're kidding."
"I'm serious. It's not so surprising. Monaco is really small. If you go there for any length of time, you end up meeting everyone."
"You weren't playing golf with Prince Albert!"
"I was."
"And what do you call him?"
"And what language do you speak with him?"
"When he's with me he speaks English."
"And what's he like? I bet he's a big snob."
"No, he's a nice guy."
"Did you meet Princess Caroline or Stephanie?"
"I don't know them."
Ireland's greatest living poet looks at her suspiciously.
"And you're sure you're not trying to kill me?"
"James! For crying out loud. I will kill you if you ever ask me that question again."

Sunday, September 26, 2010

september at the chateau

The Admiral drops by.