the crunch question

 

QUESTION: The great European nations of Germany, France and Italy continue to buy oil and gas from Vladimir Putin's Russia presenting Mr Putin with no less than a billion dollars a day to finance his ongoing invasion of Ukraine. So for eighty six days and counting since Putin launched his smash and grab on Ukraine, the nations of Germany, France and Italy have continued with their misguided Green Party inspired policies of buying so called clean energy from Vladimir Putin's dictatorship, thereby providing Vladdie the Pute with unlimited financing for his attempted subjugation of Ukraine. The nations of Germany, France and Italy have stated that they will need a year to restructure their economies to do without Putin's oil and gas. Ukraine doesn't have a year. The Ukrainian cities which are being reduced to rubble at this moment by Putin's bombs and missiles do not have a year. The people who will die or be maimed in the fields and on the streets of Ukraine today do not have a year. My question is this: How long would it take Germany, France and Italy to retructure their economies so that they could stop buying oil and gas from Vladimir Putin to the tune of a billion dollars a day if Mr Putin's armies tonight rolled into Germany, France and Italy?

ANSWER: Oh about a full five seconds.

the renee parent enigma

Flicking through the channels on the sexevision.

And lo!

What light through yonder window breaks?

It is MTV and Richard Marx has re released Hazard his greatest hit.

He's updated the lyrics too.

The whole thing seems to be aimed at cashing in on current claims in the media that Richard Marx has been threatening Senator Rand Paul via internet postings.

It's still a classic.

The song goes:

"Four years ago I moved to Washington DC

Even then the folks on Fox New said with prejudiced eyes

That boy ain't right

Ner ner ner

No one ever thought that I was a tough guy

People said: Hey there goes David Cass-i-dy

They were talking 'bout me

Ner ner ner ner ner

Nerdle ner

I used to go down to the river

I loved to watch the sun go down

I need to get back to the river

And dream a way out of this town

Ner ner ner

No one ever knew how I felt for Senator Rand Paul

No one cared until the night he went out a mowing of his lawn

And never came home

Man with a badge came knocking at my door

He was in quite a towering rage

Said I broke the senator's rib cage

Ner ner ner ner

No one understood what I felt for Senator Rand Paul

He wouldn't take the corona virus seriously at all

The sheer gall

Ner ner ner ner ner

I swear I left him by the lawn mower

I swear I left him safe and sound

I need to make it back to the lawn mower

And mow my way out of this town

Ner ner nerdle ner ner ner

Nerrrr Nerr Nerrrrrrr

I think about my life gone by

How it's done me wrong

One admittedly very splendid hit in a thirty year career

All my other songs are gone

Long gone

Oooh long gone

Ner ner ner nerdle ner

Ner ner ner nerdle

VIDEO INSERT Spoken dialogue:

Sheriff: Answer the question fancy boy.

Richard: What question?

Sheriff: Who was the girl in the orginal version of this video?

Richard: She's an actress called Renee Parent.

Sheriff: Would she date me?

Richard: Oh. I don't know. I think she's married now with kids.

Sheriff: You broke his ribs didn't you fancy boy?

Richard: Whose ribs?

Sheriff: Senator Paul's.

Richard: Oh, right, you're still on about that. Would you believe I was a tough guy if I told you I broke his ribs? I thought people might believe I was a tough guy if I was in a video with Renee Parent but it didn't really work. People just ogled her and barely noticed me at all. I suppose breaking Rand Paul's ribs might give me a last shot at some street cred.

Sheriff: That's why we think you did it fancy boy.

Richard: Stop calling me fancy boy. It's really emasculating.

Jerry Seinfeld: Hey. That's one of mine.

Heelers: Homage.

Sheriff: Who let Heelers and Seinfeld in here? I'm trying to find out where Renee Parent lives, I mean do an interrogation.)

VIDEO INSERT ENDS AND SONG RESUMES

I swear I left him by the lawn mower

He loved to watch the grass grow green

He used to drive all over DC in his lawn mower

Being a libertarian I mean

Ner ner ner ner

No one understood what I felt for Senator Rand Paul

Refusing to endorse compulsory use of a vaccine that I think everyone should use

Even if its made out of aborted foetuseroos

Ner nerr nerrrr nerdle ner

I swear I left him by the lawn mower

I swear I left him safe and sound

I need to make it to the lawn mower

And mow my way out of this town

Ner ner nerdle nerrr nerrr nerrr"

***************************

If The Joke Needs An Explanation It's Not A Good Joke Footnote: Senator Rand Paul had actually been beaten up and left with broken ribs while mowing his lawn in 2017. The assault is said to have been carried out by a neighbour who hated President Trump. Fans of Richard Marx know different. Incidentally my initial theory about the assault on Senator Paul was that it was actually done on behalf of President Trump and that the neighbour's avowed hatred for Mr Trump was simply a front to create plausible deniability for the President. Richard Marx' involvement now lays that theory to rest. In 2021 Richard Marx appeared to condone violence towards Senator Paul on the Twitter website hence the sledge hammer subtle parody above. Jerry Seinfeld is a comedian. Heelers is me. Renee Parent is an actress who came to prominence in the early 1990s when there was a vogue for goony guys putting strikingly beautiful women in their music videos. Chris Isaak tried the same thing with Helena Christiansen in the song Wicked Game.