The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Friday, October 28, 2016

a working class hero is something to be

Driving through the County Kildare town of Newbridge.
Outside the girls secondary school I behold a picket line of teachers with placards announcing their strike action.
There are four teachers there.
Apparently the rest couldn't be bothered showing up for the strike, let alone work.
I pull over to them and wind down the window.
Heelers looks at picketers.
Picketers look at Heelers.
Then I say slowly and without rancour: "You should be ashamed of yourselves. You will break the country."
There is a pause.
I say again: "You should be ashamed of yourselves. You will break the country."
The striking teachers look into the middle distance.
I repeat my simple message a third time, slow and steady and still without rancour.
"You should be ashamed of yourselves. You will break the country."
I drive on.
As I drive away one of the teacher's finds her voice.
"Thanks for that," she calls.
Fifty yards up the street I come upon another picket line of striking teachers outside the Patrician school.
I pull up in the middle of the street.
This picket has a grand total of five teachers.
I wind down the window and allow a little time for eye contact each to each, them to me, the world to all of us.
Then with strange muted dignity I announce:
"You should be ashamed of yourselves... You are breaking the country..."
The teachers study their shoes.
I elaborate: "What you are doing is worse than what the banks did. You are breaking the country. You should be ashamed of yourselves."
Still no response.
I begin to drive away.
A teacher, a man this time, finds his courage.
"You obviously don't understand the issues," he shouts as I move off.
He's right about that anyway.

Thursday, October 27, 2016

return of the native

The noble Heelers, tanned and swarthy, having returned to the green Republic after a month ogling women round the world, encountered Shamie Brortigern on Main Street, hailed him, and repaired to the Tearman Cafe to catch up on events.
"So how has Ireland managed without me?" I enquired.
"The police are on strike," said Brortigern cautiously.
"They probably need the money," I mused. "Anything else."
"The teachers are going on strike too. For seven days."
"Ah, the helpless little lambs. They probably need something to spend on their six months holidays a year. Is that all?"
"The government is going to bail out the Irish Times and the Independent Newspaper group."
"Well what's good for the cops and the teachers is good for the journos," I smiled. "Anything else?"
"The Civil Servants are threatening strike action next month," said Brortigern.
"They'd be fools not to," I purred. "Anything else?"
"Your old pal Judge Desmond Zaidan issued a bench warrant for the arrest of a member of Ireland's parliament who was accused of exceeding the speed limit by five miles an hour in a 30 mile an hour zone."
"Good old Judge Zaidan," I chuckled. "He's such a scamp. Anything else."
"Wow, Heelers, you've mellowed. There was a time when you'd have gotten upset about things like that. Nothing else really. Oh. One thing. John Coleman bought a greyhound while you were away and it's won seven races. He's got a real champion on his hands."
I stared at him aghast.
"Colers with a champion greyhound," I breathed. "Great Scott. I've wandered into a parallel universe."

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

the barack obama sex tapes

(Following the release of a ten year old tape featuring supposedly Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump making lewd vaguely sexualised remarks, the Heelers Diaries is proud to announce the discovery of a purely imaginary such tape featuring President Barack Obama in his university days long before the beginning of his political career. The Obama sex tape purports to record the future President driving around Palm Beach in his "choom wagon," the car he and his frat boy friends used for their day time drug taking activities. By the way, the bit about the drug taking in the car is true. The sledge hammer subtle sex tape satire starts now.)

Barack Obama: "Gimme that joint. Hoo yeah."

Unidentified Friend: "You see that Mama over there?"

Barack:  "I see her. I sure would love to respect her mind."

Unidentified Friend: "She's got it going on."

Barack: "If I was with her, I'd respect her mind all night long. I bet she'd let me too. I'd play the race card. I'd say: Let me respect your mind or you're a racist. They'll let you when you put it like that. You just have to call them racist and they'll let you respect any part of them you want to."

Unidentified Friend: "Hey guys, there's another one. You see her? In the red bikini."

Barack: "I bet her IQ is through the roof. She's the sort of girl who'll be a Supreme Court Judge one day. I'd give anything to see her give a closing statement in court."

Unidentified Friend: "Look, look, there's another."

Barack: "Mercy. I'll bet she has a primary psychology degree from Yale at least. Maybe even Harvard. I'd love to work with her for the betterment of the human race. Whoarghhhh."