The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Saturday, October 16, 2010

what the doctor prescribes

The noble Heelers wanders through the hall of the old chateau groaning like a heffalump in pain.
His back is hunched.
His face is contorted.
One of his eyes bulges rather oddly.
All that's missing is a mob of peasants carrying pitch forks and blazing torches, for the poignant scene to pass as a remake of Frankenstein.
Entering the kitchen he espies his brother Doctor Barn who is hatching a coffee.
"Whassup?" says Doctor Barn mobile phonily.
"My eye," groans Baron Frankenstein.
The Doc peers.
"Interesting," he proclaims.
"I'm glad my discomfiture is good for something," sez me with some bitterness.
"You've got a Bonymian cyst on your eyelid," muses the Doc dispassionately.
"Bohemian rhapsody?" enquireth me.
"A Bonymian cyst," insists the Doc.
Like a young Marcus Welby he produces a prescription pad from under his cornflakes bowl and scribbles briefly.
He proffers it.
"Bring this to the chemist," he advises. "It should clear up your cyst in a day or two. If not we'll have another look."
"Another look? You don't mean I might need surgery?"
"Shouldn't think so. You'd have to be very unlucky."
The noble Heelers is momentarily more distrait than any of you have ever seen him.
"Unlucky?" I cry. "But I am unlucky. I'm cosmically unlucky. Two grand on John McCain to win the American presidency remember? And what happens? The entire banking system of the free world and the stock exchanges of the free world and the large corporations of the free world, are suddenly exposed on the eve of the election as a bunch of atheistic evil scruff thieving gypsy b-st-rds. The perfect storm for Barack. And then I put another five hundred quid on David Cameron to win the Brit elections and what do the Brits do? For the first time in their history they opt for an honorable draw. Oh I'm doomed. Doooooomed."
"Nah, you'll probably be alright."
"Probably?"
The Doc does not trouble to answer, preferring to resume negotiations with his cornflakes.
I glance at the prescription.
"What's this?" I exclaim suspiciously.
"It's an antibiotic," quoth he without looking up.
"An antibiotic called Fukkythalmic?" I enquire.
There is scepticism writ large across those of my  gentle preraphaelite features which are still handsome.
The scepticism doesn't quite reach my eyes.
"The antibiotic is called Fucithalmic, pronounced Foosie, Foosie, you're reading it wrong," quoth the Doc.
"Are you making up antibiotics just for a larf with Uncle Scutch?" I demand hotly.
Our Uncle Scutch runs a pharmacy.
He and Doctor Barn are well capable of contriving the sort of jollies which would involve me running back and forth from one to the other with prescriptions for Fukkythalmic, Dikaheadron, Shitfaceadrine, and such like.
"No it's the real deal," insists Doctor Barn.
"Why are there scribbles acoss the bottom of the prescription?" I persist.
"Doctors put those on prescriptions in case a patient loses one and some drug adict finds it and uses it to get illegal substances," explains the Doc.
"Did you give me a prescription that your kids had already scribbled on?" I challenge.
The Doc stands and leaves the room without another word.
He does not return.

Friday, October 15, 2010

obitcheries

The author Henry James is dead.
The man was a crushing bore.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

the monica leech laugh in

A novice monk rushes up to the Abbot at a Dominican monastery.
"Father I have a dilemma," exclaims the novice monk breathlessly.
The Abbot beckons him to speak further.
"I'm wondering is it okay to smoke while meditating," says the monk.
"Certainly not," responds the Abbot tartly.
"Well then," says the monk, "is it okay to meditate while smoking?"

publishing news

The Leinster Leader, an Irish provincial newspaper owned by failing British company The Johnston Press, has announced the publication of an online edition of itself, available for the nifty price of 75 Euros per year.
Thrilling, no!
A copy of the Leinster Leader in the shops presently costs 114 Euros over the course of a year.
The new online edition gives you the same product over the same time period for about 40 Euros less.
Ah.
Dear oh dear.
Here's what I think.
The effect of this new online edition will not be to expand Leinster Leader sales, as the geniuses at the Johnston Press believe.
The effect of the new online edition will in fact be to collapse further the already collapsing figures for copies sold in the shops.
Not because people will change over and buy the online edition, mind you.
But because people will ask themselves why the hell are we paying 114 Euros down the shops for something the Johnston Press can't give away for 75 Euros over the internet.
Let me be clear.
The online edition will not sell but it will undermine the already plummeting sales figures in the shops.
Back in my days at the Leinster Leader, we watched while idiot newspapers (ie The Irish Times and Independent Newspapers) lost hundreds of millions of dollars setting up online editions which the public never paid to buy.
Back in my days, we at the Leinster Leader were creaming the internet.
We cleaned their clocks.
I'm telling you folks, the internet had to struggle to compete with us.
And then they fired me.
And the wheels came off the wagon.
Ha, ha, ha.
Seriously though.
They're doing a brilliant job.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

the blue neuro

It has taken me eleven months to get this budgie to land on my hand outside her cage.

the ghosts

Evening at the Chateau de Healy.
I am alone in the front room.
My gentle preraphaelite features have a sombre quality.
The door opens quietly.
The ghosts of Buddy Holly, Richie Valens and someone called The Big Bopper enter.
They are followed by the ghost of Don McClean.
The ghosts begin setting up their instruments.
"Heelers," says Buddy Holly, "we wrote this one for you."
Don McClean steps forward and begins to sing.
His voice is strangely whiney but also strangely appealing.
Don McClean sings:
"I remember how I cried,
When I heard that Heelers' hamster died,
Something touched me deep inside,
The day,
The hamster,
Died.
And I was singing,
Bye bye
Pro American Pie
Oh I wrote a blog article
Saying Al Qaeda must die
And there were some good old Irish Times journos
Drinking whiskey and rhye
Singing
Let's put George Bush on trial
Let's put George Bush on trial
*** 
Oh do you believe in God above
The God Stephen Hawking says you cannot prove,
Maybe Richard Dawkins
Was once a Christian for a while,
And Philip Pullman
Is sneering at Saint Thomas Moore,
As Nelson Mandela flirts
With his British whore
And Nelson's friend Charles Taylor
Sends children to mine diamonds for her.
***
Osama be nimble,
Osama be quick,
Jumpin Jack Bin Laden
Jumped over the Pakistani candlestick
But he doesn't care much for any fight
That doesn't involve air hostesses
On civilian flights
He thinks maybe there's another way
To make this Jihad business pay
Then Barack Obama kicked off his shoes,
And Bin Laden really dug those Guantanamo blues.
***
Oh a hundred misty teenage nights
The Hutton Enquiry switched out the lights
And brought Britain into the Caliphate
For a dime
And Sky News was on the scene
Reporting where Old Hammy had been
They said Hammy is the terrorist
Number one on the most wanted list
***
And the Johnston Press were going down
Like a sinking ship full of clowns
It made me think that maybe we need an A-Bomb
To make it all a little more humane
I can't bear the thought that they might drown
Surely something must be done
Couldn't we just shoot them in the bawls for a while?
***
A hundred banks in Ireland fail
As Cian O'Connor's horse busts out of jail
And Tony O'Reilly gets a job as a motorcycle courier
Ferrying dope-test specimens to test labs, nothing groovier
***
Bye Bye
Pro American Pie
Oh I drove to Grafton Steet
But Grafton Street was dry
And there were some Black Jacket Al Qaeda gangsters
Holding up street advertising signs
Singing
This'll be the day that you all die
This'll be the day that you all die
***
And the Mussies sued for damages
When their bombs blew up the wrong carriages
They'd missed their scheduled fate
Because British Rail was running late
And Michael Mansfield QC
Put Britain on trial
To keep Jihadis free
He reckons he'll be dead before they take over anyway.
***
It all kicked off with aplomb
Dig those Jihadi bombs
And a hundred crazy football yobs
Taught the Mussies how to sob
It made me think of Dunkirk for a while
***
And the Irish Times was through the floor
It's editor walking out the door
The journos kicked off their shoes
Dig those abortions and blues
The Irish economy now in the mire
With liberal atheists catching fire
They're gonna shut down the Catholic Church after two thousand years,
And replace it with something Karl Marx would approve...
***
Bye Bye
Pro American Pie
Oh I drove to the levy but the levy was dry
And those good old liberal atheists were drinking whiskey and rhye
Singing this'll be the day that the Free World dies."

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

tilting at windmills

It's kinda funny seeing the near defunct Anti Catholic Indpendent Newspapers (net debts $2 billion) and the nearer defunct Anti Catholic Irish Times (annual losses $100 million) writing about Ireland's corrupt collapsed banks as if Independent Newspapers and the Irish Times are not themselves a party to much of the financial wrong doing that went on in Ireland during the past ten years.
Party to our financial collapse?
These bastions of integrity?
Could it be true?
Nay, nay and thrice nay.
Not party to our economic collapse.
Responsible for it.
As responsible as any failed Fianna Fail property developer.
Let me be clear.
I mean they are responsible for it by virtue of the fact that for the past decade Independent Newspapers and the Irish Times were themselves borrowing billions of dollars which they could never hope to repay from idiot banks in order to declare purely fictional profits.
While doing so the same senior editors and Boards of Management at Independent Newspapers and the Irish Times were paying themselves astonomical salaries from the same bank borrowings for doing the same old jobs, now effectively sinecures that weren't creating revenue and which shouldn't have attracted a lifetime's wages for a year's work even if the crooks concerned had actually had a clue how to run an ephin newspapers.
Listen folks.
It's not just corrupt businessmen we're bailing out by taking on the debts of Ireland's collapsed banks.
It's also Ireland's readerless and heavily indebted newspapers.
They've done more than their share in creating this mess.
Sins of commission, and sins of omission, and in the case of Tony O'Reilly proprietor of Independent Newspapers, sins of emission. (He's an awful wanker.)
Perhaps the greatest crime of Independent Newspapers and the Irish Times was that they were paramount in popularising the use of Alice In Wonderland terminology to convince Irish people that our country was wealthy.
I say it again.
Independent Newspapers and the Irish Times did more than any other media entities to foster the delusion that limitless payrises to extortionate trade unions could ever be a feasible economic policy.
Most tellingly it was Independent Newspapers and the Irish Times who championed the use of the nonesense phrase The Celtic Tiger.
All our employment was in the non producing State Sector.
All our trade unions were running rampantly out of control obtaining pay rises of thirty and forty percent from a corrupt kleptocratic Fianna Fail government.
All our large corporations were using accountancy tricks to declare profits that didn't exist.
It was all there before our eyes.
And Independent Newspapers and the Irish Times were telling people we were a Celtic Tiger.
Of course Independent Newspapers and the Irish Times were also themselves declaring massive non existent annual profits during those halcyon days.
Difficult to know where any of that magnificent phantom money has gone.
Declaring hundred million dollar profits for twenty years and suddenly they're all broke after one bad year?
How does that work?
Where is the imaginary money?
Tony O'Reilly and his board of management will have asset stripped any of the real stull in inflated wages, bonuses and golden parachutes at the Independent.
The rest of it really was imaginary.
Irish Times editor Geraldine Kennedy and Managing Director Medbh Something Or Other during their stewardship of the $100 million a year loss making Irish Times will have absorbed a goodly portion of any genuine readies floating around their abortionist rag, through their salaries which both come in around the half million dollar mark and through their bonuses that no one has a notion about.
Half a million dollars in return for losing a hundred million year.
You couldn't make it up.
And we wonder why the economy collapsed.
Here is the news.
The economy has collapsed because our idiot government has forced all of us to pay the gambling losses of idiot banks who were lending limitless sums of money to idiot newspapers with no readers who could never have been in a position to pay any of that idiot money back.
Independent Newspapers and the Irish Times existed for the past thirty years and continue to exist now without readers, only because our collapsed banks still extend them a credit line.
It's enough to make you weep.
And finally Esther...
Even now Independent Newspapers and the Irish Times are writing about the banking collapse in terms of pure fiction.
One protestor against banking bail outs has been dubbed The Toxic Avenger, as if he's some kind of hero.
But this particular protestor is no hero.
He is someone who can't pay the banks the millions he owes them and which they should never have lent him.
He's not like us.
He's protesting because he blames the banks for his inability to pay back the limitless wodge of cash they gave him.
Toxic Avenger indeed.
Memo to Independent Newspapers and the Irish Times: He's a bankrupt property developer who should never have been given those millions of pounds by those idiot banks and whose debts are now going to be paid by the nation.
What the hell has he got to protest about?
Bankrupt.
That's what he is and that's all he is.
Not by any stretch of the imagination an Avenger.
And he snow job continues.
Independent Newspapers published a picture last week of Gillian Bowler the Chairman of a financial insitution called Irish Life and Permanent.
Bowler was all smiles.
As well she might be.
The Independent Newspapers caption informed the unwary passer by (no readers, remember) that Gillian Bowler was head of a bank that didn't cost the Irish tax payer a single penny.
Interesting spin to put on things.
Because Gillian Bowler is head of a bank that engaged in an the most outrageous illegal scam to conceal the losses of Ireland's most outrageously corrupt collapsed bank, an entity known as Anglo Irish Bank.
Anglo Irish Bank, although a niche bank of little importance to Ireland, not even in the top three Irish banks, yeah that Anglo Irish Bank, that's the one, Anglo Irish Bank, I tells ee, still managed to be the largest banking failure in the world.
Do you get this?
Anglo lost more money than the largest American loss maker Citibank.
Anglo was an unimportant niche bank in Ireland not even in the top three.
And Fianna Fail signed us all up to pay Anglo's losses.
And Anglo's losses exceed the losses of every other bank on the planet.
And Gillian Bowler's bank deposited more than seven billion dollars in Anglo Irish Bank's accounts in order to help Anglo Irish Bank conceal its imminent collapse from the auditors, the regulators and the government.
And now Independent Newspapers is telling us that Gillian Bowler's bank is the only bank that hasn't cost the Irish tax payer a penny.
They've cost us alright.
Just how much will become clear after the currency collapse.

nihil de mortui bonum

Afternoon tea with Mother in the Cafe Des Beaux Parvenus at Newbridge Silverware.
"I didn't like that obituary you wrote about Maurice Nelligan," quoth she.
"Why" sez me.
"Because I felt I knew him," quoth she.
"Knew him in the sense of never having met him, never having talked to him, never having corresponded with him in any way?" wondereth me.
The Mammy considered this.
"I felt I knew him," she said, "like in that scene where Hamlet picks up the skull and says: Alas poor Yorick."
I nodded sagely.
"Alas poor Nelligan," I pronounced, "I never met him, never spoke to him, never had any contact with him whatsoever, but I felt I knew him."
"You're missing the point," quoth the Lildebeest.
"Enlighten me," sez me.
"I really didn't like the article," persisted she.
I considered this before replying.
"But did I say anything untrue?" I ventured. "When I called him plush bottomed, was that untrue? When I called him smug, was that untrue? When I said that he had failed to criticise the rampant trade unionisation of nurses in the health service or even mention the grotesque overpayment of all health service workers, was that untrue? When I said that his every solution to every incompetence among health service staff was to advocate that our bankrupt government should just throw more money at them, was that untrue? When I said he was rich, was that untrue?"
"What's wrong with being rich?" challenged the Mammy.
"If there's nothing wrong with it, there should be nothing wrong with me pointing it out," I shot back.
The aged P sat up suddenly.
"What are you writing now?" she rapped.
"Nothing."
"Are you writing down what I just said?"
"No."
"I don't want this to go on your blog."
"Okay."
"Ah f---."

obitcheries

WB Yeats is dead.
He died in 1937 but I've only just noticed.
He wrote some quite catchy lyric poems.
One of his poems has an elegaic refrain that goes: "Never give all the heart."
The poem ends by telling the reader that the poet himself... "gave all the heart and lost."
Georgiana Yeats, his wife, is believed to have had a canniptian when she saw it.
WB Yeats is known to have been involved with devil worship at various stages of his life.
I asked Des Egan one of Ireland's leading modern poets and an authority on Yeats, could he confirm whether Yeats was involved with devil worship.
Mr Egan replied: "Ah, he wasn't really."
I had always believed devil worship was an either/or proposition.
Either you're doing it, or you're not.
In Ireland apparently there's a third option for the young diabolist about town.
You're doing it, but not really.
In one respect, Yeats' wife needn't have worried overmuch about his poem proclaiming he had given all his heart and lost.
It wasn't about her.
It was about a woman called Maud Gonne who had rejected Yeats after he gave all his heart to her.
Yeats also gave all his heart to Maud Gonne's daughter Iseult, asking her to marry him after her mother had declined.
Iseult likewise rejected him.
And finally he gave his heart to the Gonne family cat Tiddles.
Clearly, he considered everything in the Gonne household to be fair game.
Tiddles also rejected him.

On First Looking Into Groening's Homer

Much have I wandered on television's roads.
Many cowboy and detective serials and sitcoms have I seen.
Round many reruns of Cannon have I been,
Which the late night channels in fealty to Quinn Martin Productions hold.
But never did I breathe the pure serene,
Until Matt Groening began merchandising The Simpsons loud and bold.
Then felt I like some watcher of Desperate Housewives,
When a new piece of salacious titilation masquerading as a plot twist swims into his ken;
Or like stout Eastwood when with eagle eye,
He looks at a street punk with a wild surmise,
And shoots him, over and over again.

Monday, October 11, 2010

the results of the heelers enquiry into the death of linda norgrove

Every time Al Qaeda kidnaps someone, Al Qaeda becomes responsible for whatever happens to that person after the kidnapping.
If the person starves to death, Al Qaeda is responsible.
If the person falls and breaks her neck, Al Qaeda is responsible.
If the person has her head hacked off by the Jihadis, Al Qaeda is responsible.
If the person is killed in a valiant rescue attempt by our soldiers, Al Qaeda is responsible.
You never casually ascribe guilt to our soldiers, as Sky News is doing this evening, when our soldiers have just risked their lives trying to rescue someone from Al Qaeda.
You never call the rescue mission a "botched raid" as Sky News is doing this evening, when our soldiers have just displayed uncommon valour in entering the mouth of hell to try and save the hostage.
You never under any circumstances crow about the fate of an Al Qaeda kidnap victim, as Sky news is doing this evening in deliberately manipulating reportage of her death to invalidate the entire struggle against Muslim terror.
You don't put anyone on trial for the death of  a hostage seized by Al Qaeda except the Muslim murderers who took her.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

the difference between hitler's nazi armies and muslim terror armies

Hitler had an army that was invincible. There was no single army on the planet that could touch it. His mistake was to take on too many countries at the one time.
*** 
The Muslim terror armies currently threatening the world are not invincible. On the battlefield they tend to just keel over and die.
*** 
That's the major difference between Hitler's armies of yesteryear and today's Muslim terror armies.
***
Unfortunately though there is one circumstance when Muslim terror armies do actually become invincible. Muslim terror armies become invincible if people refuse to fight them.
***
And while being very different in terms of battlefield capability, the Muslims do share a certain hubris with Hitler. They have in fact attacked more countries than Hitler ever did.  Al Qaeda is currently waging secessionist wars in Russia, China, India, Thailand and the Philippines. Al Qaeda is waging unrestricted terrorist war with America and Western Europe. Al Qaeda has successfully detached regions from Cyprus, from Bosnia, and from Serbia, creating Muslim dictatorships in Europe where none existed before. Al Qaeda is waging imperialist Islamic warfare throughout Africa turning the entire continent into a charnel house of death. (And we all thought Africa was a charnel house before the Muslims got moving!) Al Qaeda is inflicting civil war on countries where Muslims make up the majority of the population. Al Qaeda is continuing with its plans to plunge the State Of Israel into nuclear conflagration. The exact same hubris as Hitler alright. They are at war with all of us. Unfortunately most of us haven't noticed.
***
(Copy to Michael Mansfield QC, chief Al Qaeda lawyer in the City of London.)

kid about to get pecked

Tom and Greeny explore each other's limits.

brennt derbyshire?

Berlin 1945.
A fire storm rings the city.
The Russians are closing in on all sides.
Hell follows with them.
It is all but over.
In the Fuhrer bunker, Adolf Hitler holds his daily conference.
His generals and high officials attend.
This is the Gotterdamerung.
The twilight of the gods.
Hitler is saying:
"Vere did it all go wrong? Ze share price of ze Third Reich is going zru ze floor. Vie oh vie did vee fire Heelers? What sort of foching clown recommended we fire him? What sort of mickeyless cowardly schweinhund presumed to dare to tzink foch witted toe rags like us could fire some vun of hiss calibre. Vot sort of foch faced schtink veasel came up vith ziss verdammte idea zat vee could fire a genius like Heelers and escape all ze consequences. I'm just asking you guys. Who vas ze foching genius who came up with zat one? Who was the deleterious fokker who came up with ze foching cretinous scheme to foch around in such a foching abysmally low rent way with Ireland's greatest living poet? Who? Who ze foch? Who ze foch put ziss whole verdammte business in motion? What fochin clype? Vitch of you fochin clowns was it?"
"It was General Foch," murmured Reichsminister Hermann Goering through a mouthful of wienerschnitzel.
Hitler grimaced as though in pain.
"You know vot?" he murmured grimly. "I'll bet zere's no one in ze foching Johnston Press or ze Leinster Leader who can even spell parallels."

and now this (by Irina Kuksova)

He's making a list...
He's checking it twice...
He knows every one who's been naughty or nice...

the day is going down

Mackintosh looked up from his newspaper.
"You told me Al Qaeda is preparing attacks on Berlin, Paris, and London," he said. "Why not Dublin?"
I thought for a moment.
The cafe seemed to have gone awfully quiet.
"Why would they bomb what they already own?" I answered softly.

war on terror chortles

Tonight...
1. Pakistani Taliban Al Qaeda Jihadis have just murdered Linda Norgrove the English aid worker they kidnapped a few weeks ago from Afghanistan. Her murderous Muslim kidnappers are the fattest Jihadis in the Caliphate owing to the free food, clothes and money, which UN supporting idiots have been sending to them in Pakistan after a recent flood there.
2. A ship in the Baltic is on fire after an explosion on board. As usual news reports are claiming the fire started by accident. It is the second major ship borne accident in European waters to occur in the last 24 hours. Yesterday a Turkish owned vessel came close to sinking after a collision with a larger ship. The Turkish vessel was carrying toxic chemicals. The collision was an attempt to spill the chemical cargo into the English channel. These "accidents" are Al Qaeda attacks. (cf The recent devastation of forty square miles of central Europe by a chemical factory leak in Hungary.)
3. A near riot situation developed in Bermingham this evening after Muslims faced off against anti Muslim immigration protestors. The Muslims style themselves the Anti Fascist League. The anti Muslim immigration protestors are made up largely of football hooligans and black street toughs. It's ironic. The first ones to oppose the Muslims' hijacking of our laws, were our own lawless ones. Yes. Let it always be remembered that the first ones to stand up to the Muslims were football hooligans and black street toughs. They were the first ones to decide that Muslims were not going to be allowed to tell us what streets we could walk down in our own cities and towns. The rest of us had no stomach for the fight.
4. A Sky News report tonight referred to an incident last week in which Pakistani soldiers fired on American helicopters and were sent home to Allah for their trouble. That is to say the helicopters fired back and killed two or three of them. Of course tonight's Sky News report omitted to mention the fact that the Pakistani soldiers had fired first on the helicopters before the helicopters retaliated. Why on earth would Sky News omit such a salient piece of information? Is it possible that Sky News is now so anxious to preserve its revenue stream from the Royal Family Of Qatar (who also finance the Nazi channel Al Jazeera) that rather than risk the Royal Family Of Qatar pulling their Qatar Air advertisements, Sky News is now actively rooting for Al Qaeda?
5. As we go to press Muslim Jihadis are continuing their secessionist wars against Thailand, the Philippines, Putin's Russia, Communist China, and Democratic India.  Muslim wars of colonial expansion continue against Nigeria, Kenya, Uganda and all across Africa. Muslim race wars continue in Somalia and Sudan. Muslim internal civil wars continue in Arabia and in every other majority Muslim country. Muslim wars of terrorist infiltration continue in America, Australia and Western Europe. The Muslims' ultimate war of would be extermination continues against the State Of Israel. Since the Muslims are at war with every country on earth, why on earth are we letting them move en masse into our countries? More immediately, why on earth are we still letting them onto aeroplanes?