The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Friday, February 20, 2015

confucius he say

Beware the Greeks... when they come requesting loans of 250 billion dollars which they promise to repay in four months time if they can. I'm just saying is all.

the poetic manifesto

half heard melodies at dawn
dreams or the traces of dreaming
a woman's name said soft like breathing
memories of faces gone
footsteps in the hall on winter's nights
sadness in the heart where love has been
softness on the fields after a storm
shadows bright with remembering

we will go
through cowardice to bravery
into the timeless eye of mind
across the ungovernable sea
to where all poems have their end
and their beginnings naturally
come with me

the music of the teshticles i mean spheres

"If I'm dying I don't want you bringing any groups of strange Christians to sing for me," quoth my feminist cousin Pauline.
"If you were dying I'd probably try for Led Zeppelin," I reassured her.

the bloggers lament (a meditation on discovering two visits to this website from Bulgaria)

How am I supposed to change the world...
I have more Bulgars reading me than Russians.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

poem and parody

I' m Nobody! Who Are You?
by Emily Dickinson

I'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody too?
Then there's a pair of us - don't tell!
They'd banish us you know.

How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog.
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!


I'm Irish Prime Minister Enda Kenny! Who the hell Are You?
by James Healy

I'm Irish Prime Minister Enda Kenny, who the hell are you
Are you Irish Prime Minister Enda Kenny too
Then there's a pair of us - don't tell!
They'd elect us you know
Or banish us for legalising abortion when we promised we wouldn't
right after we attempted to price gouge our way through the recession by paying the public sector wage bill via the invention of new taxes on water and houses and parking and televisions and whatever else popped into our heads to newly tax

How dreary to be IRA mafia godfather Gerry Adams
How public like a frog
To tell your life the livelong day
To an admiring Peace And Reconciliation Commission

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

the credit where credit is due column

Strolling the aisles at Lidl supermarket.
I gotta tell ya folks.
Lidl is the little supermarket that saved Ireland.
While the nurses, teachers, cops, mafia Judgies (big shout out to Judge Martin Nolan, great to see you're still in action there with that one year sentence for the Junkie who burnt down the city centre property so that its mafia owners could collect the insurance, clever aren't you, a year for the Junkie mafia hireling, while you jailed an innocent man for six years for mislabelling garlic as apples, hilarious no), indolent soldiery and even more indolent civil servants have continued to extort farcical banana republic pay rises from government via their IRA run trade unions, effectively gouging their way through the recession at all our expense, (I mean I don't want to go casting no aspoyshuns), yes, while the coiffered hoodlums of the State sector have been mugging us all I say, the people of Ireland have survived courtesy of the value for money, professionalism, genuine work ethic and employment opportunities provided at Lidl.
I'm sure Lidl will appreciate my endorsement.
The approval of the anti Jihad demographic is very much sought after in corporate circles these days.
So here I am walking down the aisles seeking a tasty crunchy snack at low low prices.
I start singing Marlene Dietrich's most famous song:
"Where have all the Hula Hoops gone?
Long time passing.
Gone, gone.
All the Hula Hoops are gone."
As it becomes clear that for once there are no Hula Hoops to be had, I approach a lissom blonde Lidl staff member of the Polish persuasion, preening in front of the milk shelves.
She turns and her uniform tugs intriguingly in various directions.
(One of mine Heelers? - George Lucas note)
(Homage - Heelers note)
I have a strange urge to sing to her.
I sing:
"Vere are all ze Hula Hoops gone?
Long time passing.
Gone, gone.
All ze Hula Hoops are gone."
This time I'm doing it with the full Marlene Dietrich accent.
The lissom blonde looks up from her world.
She appears genuinely amused.
(Bemused surely? - Ed note)
In the glimmering half light of the milk counter, I saw no shadow of another parting.

the crunch question

Question: Is there any weapon the Jihadi's fear?

Answer: They fear expulsion.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

late flowering memory

Ted f---ing Turner.

from our sports desk

Item 1: The Greeks have decided to deal with the fact that they are bankrupt and can't repay their debts by electing as Prime Minister an atheistic Marxist whose policies may be summed up as: "We are not going to pay our debts. We are going to keep spending money we don't have. And we want everyone else in Europe to keep giving us money to live this way." I am not optimistic about the policies of the new Greek government.

Item 2: Ireland have defeated the West Indies in the preliminary stages of the Cricket World Cup. I refer you to my previous writings about match fixing at the Cricket World Cup. The word Fixxxxxxxxxxxxx doesn't quite capture my depth of emotion on the matter. Still it would have been worse if I'd had a bet. (I'd have backed the Windies.) Pakistan have a good team this year. May go all the way. Pakistan have been improving ever since they abandoned their policy of slaughtering their coaches after a game. See my previous writings about the Al Haq murder of Bob Woolmer.

Item 3: The news broadcaster CNN's corporate editorial management team seem to have finally broken on through to the other side and now broadcast to us from a parallel universe. After a week of worldwide Al Qaeda attacks, CNN are running an article suggesting that Religion itself is the cause of mankind's problems. Not the Muslim religion you understand. Not the religion of Islam. But religion itself. According to CNN all religious people are to blame when Muslim Jihadis carry out a new spate of murders. According to CNN everytime the Jihadis kill people, the rest of us are to blame. Hoo baby. By the way CNN centres its argument only on the mayhem occurring this past week and CNN bolsters its thesis by including in its list of attacks, the shooting by an avowed atheist of three Muslims in America. So apparently religious people are responsible for atheist attacks too. The other attacks cited by CNN as discrediting Religion generally over the past week, are all Al Qaeda attacks. So let's recap. CNN thinks every time a world wide Muslim terror army kills more people, Religion itself is discredited. I gotta demur a little from that one. Ho hum. I suppose we could all worship Delusion like the heroes of CNN do. Or that other demi God in the CNN pantheon, Ted Whatsisname. I couldn't be arsed looking it up. He went out with Jane Fonda and founded CNN as a way to meet women when he wanted to cheat on Jane Fonda. Ted. Ted. Ted something. Not Ted Ward. Ted Bear. No. Ted Coppel. No. But that's on the right lines. Something Ted. Ted Something. This will drive me berserk till I remember. Just let it go. Don't even try to remember. It's not important. Say to your mind. It's okay. I don't need to know. Come on. Come onnnnnnnnnnnn. Ted Urglenblitzenbergerson. Noooo. Oh, I give up. Ted Little Tache On His Face. Ted who said Christianity Was A Religion For Losers. Ted oh this is awful. Ted. Little Millionaire. Ted who set up CNN in Atlanta in the 1980s. Ted who used to host something he called The Friendship Games as a way to sell out the West to the Soviets but mothballed the venture when the Russians tried to democratise. Ted who presided over the billion dollar pointless merger of three bankrupt companies styling themselves CNN, Time Magazine, and Warner Brothers, at the time all declaring non existent billion dollar profits, all paying Ted and Friends hundreds of millions in unjustifiable salaries, the whole con job financed by billion dollar loans from gangster banks which then went bust and were refinanced by compulsory taxation on the citizenry, and not only the banks went bust, but Ted's new mega company Time Warner CNN went bust too, and oh Ted, how I know youuuuu. Tedddddddddddddd Whatttttttttttt. This is killing me. Ted I don't care what your name is. Honest to goodness I could write a biography of you right now if I was allowed leave out your last name. Ted Brokaw. No. Ted the film by the salacious creator of the cartoon Family Guy. No. Not those Teds. Not any Ted in the phonebook. Just the one who founded CNN. Ted Nauseous. No. Ted from Mary Tyler Moore. Nooooo. Come on. Ted. Thou hast it all. King, Cawdor, Glamis, all and I fear thou paidst most foully for it. But what is your last name? Ted. Ted. Ted. Forgive me Ted. You're a better man than I am Ted. Ted Gungadin. Ted High Achiever. Ted Accomplished fellow. Ted Dead. But come on. Oh. I die. I die not pronouncing it because I can't remember it. Ted Mannerism. Ted thin shthrip of a lad. Ted suits. Ted you can't bring your money into the afterlife. Tedddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd.