QUAVER: What you do in Kilcullen Choir when Mrs Von Horst the choir mistress screams at you.
STAFF: Mrs Von Horst's henchmen Tillie Hewson and Mollie Baines. Usually seen wearing sinister trenchcoats. Also known as Mrs Von Horst's bootboys. (Cf: Gestapo.)
BREVE: Dialect term. You will have difficulting doing this (breving) if Mrs Von Horst's bootboys kick you in the bawls.
SEMI BREVE: Result of two kicks to the b's from Mrs Von Horst's bootboys.
GESTAPO: New choir established as rival powerbrokerage within the Reich by my cousin Hector, known to his troops as the phantom of the Organ Loft.
THE EASTERN FONT: Forward interior area of Kilcullen Church on the right hand side, strategic dominance of which was sought after by Cousin Hector during the Winter War of 2018. The military significance of this part of the church has never been clear since real power lies in the Organ Loft. Who controls the Organ Loft, controls the world.
TENOR: The general atmosphere of fear at rehearsals of the choir in Kilcullen.
CLEF: Montgomery Clef, the only member of Kilcullen Choir who can actually sing/
DOUBLE CLEF: Montgomery Clef's chin/
TREBLE CLEF: Montgomery Clef's chin after a blancmange.
CLASSICAL MUSIC: Hotel California by the Eagles, the Steve Stevens guitar solo in Rebel Yell, Mean Man and The Real Me by Wasp, Ready To Go by Republicca and Cowboy by The Grid.
THE BAROQUE PERIOD: A term of reference for music recorded between 2008 and 2016 when Baroque Obama was President of the United States. The best of it was Now You're Just Somebody That I Used To Know by Gotie and a girl styling herself Kimbra, and I'm Coming Up Thing by the Pink woman.
VIOLINS: A problem plagueing society for many years. The police are regularly accused of the excessive use of violins while interrogating suspects. Parents are continually confronted by increasing levels of violins in schools with children as young as five caught using them. Gangland violins are a huge problem worldwide but particularly in Ireland where IRA skang gangs like the Hutch gang and the Kinanahan gang have unleashed atrocious violins against each other in a turf war over who gets to poison the next generation of Irish people with drugs.
JAZZ: No one knows what this is exactly. A precise definition is impossible. Atheistic Biologist Richard Dawkins claims it doesn't exist. I'm nearly sure I heard it once on the soundtrack of the Woody Allen film Sleeper which incidentally was a brilliant film in spite of the awful Jazz soundtrack not because of it.
